A Slave Girls- Elysian Reveries

Faces of Pain 5 by POPF

2012-01-14T23:00:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time...

2011-10-25T06:12:00.000-07:00

It's been a really long time since I've written. I really don't know where to start.

My man had another heart attack in April the day after I returned home from a 3 day trip to Georgia to see my ill mom. My daughters accompanied me on the flight as I would not have made it on my own otherwise.

This was his second heart attack. He was 38 when he had the first one. He already had 2 stents in his heart when he had this second one. They had to replace one stent entirely and repair the other.

He returned to work 9 days later. Just like the first time he returned within 2 weeks. He's 43 now.

Last month I spent 9 days in the hospital with our 14 year old son. 6 days in PICU. He was intibated for nearly 3 days as a result of a skull fracture and 3 areas of bleeds including his frontal lobe. He's doing well considering but will be a long road to recovery.

He had just started high school less than 2 weeks before. Now he's on Home Hospital. We're home schooling him until at least Jan 1st, 2012. He's in the Police Explorers program. Am really proud of him. He was honored by the state Senator on the steps of the Sacramento State Capital over the summer. He was one of 2 children in his district to receive such recognition. He's going to the Tsunami Convention 2 days after Christmas and has become active in the Baptist Church.

My plate has been so full that I haven't co hosted the Living with Hope radio show in some time.
Hoping to do so again soon.

I am still working at MDJ and now I have my own support group on Facebook. A few years ago I had a popular one at MySpace, but eventually moved some members to MDJ while others went elsewhere. MySpace was doing so many changes and finally Groups went bye bye.

My Group on Facebook is relatively new still. Perhaps 3-4 months old. It was created and then stalled the first 2 months due to other priorities.

Still doing all I can to promote awareness for CRPS/RSD, offer resources, info and support.
I try to make it online every other day. The days of everyday, all day are in the past. Just can't manage it all as I once did. I use to do all niter's when I couldn't sleep, now I just toss and turn waiting and waiting for sleep to come. I often flip the clock without sleeping and then finally crash repeating the same thing with each new day.

I haven't been in a chat room for years. Way back when .. I use to frequent them. Just don't have the energy or time for it anymore.

If I could find a fun one.... maybe.

We had our grandson over the weekend. It was a planned occasion. Took him to the Pumpkin patch. When we got home his uncle (our son) helped him carve his pumpkin. 'Tai spent the night with us and I rode with the man Sunday evening to take him home. Got some pictures at the Pumpkin Patch too. It's hard to believe our grand baby boy is heading on 6.

It was great! Like a fair of sorts. Rides, bounce houses, ponies, lots of hay, mazes, face painting, games, ball tosses, wow, if only we knew.

We had taken the girls there when they were little, our son also. But back then it was nothing like this.

Now we know for next year! I walked it the best I could. Had the wheelchair, but the ground was too rough, so I used it as a walker then carried the pumpkins in it. lol

Tomorrow's my bday, not doing anything, just staying home. I would love a single pain free day. That's it!

Not much else to talk about right now, but I hope all is well with everyone.

Until next time...

Past Years in Review

2010-12-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

Hope is much more than wishful thinking. It's feeling. A feeling, it's emotion. It's something to look forward to and something to believe in. There's no magic Jeanie to grant our wishes. One thing hope and wishing have in common is desire. We can hope against hope or wish upon a star.

I meditate on hope, I've never meditated on a wish.

I've been so busy continuing on in the path that was laid out for me nearly 10 years ago. A path I had not yet seen coming but had broadened quickly. It took on it's twists and turns and bumpy roads. There were ditches to fall into and muddy waters to crawl out of. There were times I began to sink and I felt as if I was drowning in my own misery.

So many times I gasped for air, I couldn't breath. Fear of the unknown overwhelmed me. Suicidal ideations came and went. I self medicated in bottles of whiskey (2002-2004). I hurt so badly. I truly thought I wasn't strong enough to survive the painful, progressive and debilitating disease that was taking over my body. I suffered. I was scared. I would dwell on the future.

How could I serve. How could I keep a good home. How would I care for my Master, my husband. How would I attend school events, how would I walk our kindergartner son to the bus stop (2003). He wasn't able to go to preschool.

I did 8.5 months of intense physical therapy 3 days a week for 2 hours a session (2001-2002) just to learn to weight bare again. My husband whom I've belong to since I was 17 got me ready each day, loaded up the wheelchair and got me to each and every appointment despite the fact he had to work as well.

Our daughters were 11 and 12 (2oo1) when I was first injured. They had to take on the responsibility of caring for the home and our oldest daughter Kharisma became her little brothers second mom. Our girls are 12 months and 4 days apart. Our son came 9 years after our first.

I lost a baby while in physical therapy (not during a session), a long ugly story. (Jan 8, 2003).

As years passed I never did heal instead I developed other illnesses both physical and emotional. Finally in 2006 I received treatment other than pain medications and pain management appointments. I was given a series of 3 Lumbar Sympathetic Blocks scheduled 1 week apart and then a trial Spinal Cord Stimulator and within a couple of months the permanent was implanted.

I had another LSB on the second of this month. A total of 14 now. Originally I had a single lead/wire on my spine. I've had 2 since 2009.

I attended a 6 week long, 5 day a week, 8 hour a day Functional Restoration program. (2009)

I'm suppose to begin a trial study for Cold Laser Therapy beginning early next month. Within weeks. While the protocol isn't absolute as of now, when I picked up the contract to sign I was told it could be as much as every other day for 4 weeks. I'll gladly be a guinea pig to provide hope for the future. Not only in myself, but for millions of others also.

I'm nearly finished with the current study I'm doing on Inflexxion on Neuropathic pain.

I'm still work for MDJunction.com as a Group Leader in the RSD support forum.
http://www.mdjunction.com/reflex-sympathetic-dystrophy (ID- rsdcrpsfire)

In 2005 I turned my dark world around. It became my passion and purpose to make a difference. I work daily promoting awareness, offering resources, support and information in regards to Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy Syndrome/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome.

My website is still at http://www.crpsadvisory.com

My Facebook is http://www.facebook.com/rsdcrpsfire
It's used for both work and pleasure. I feel no need anymore to segregate me from me.

Living with RSD Radio which I've appeared on both as a guest twice and a co host previously is now called...

Living with Hope Radio Show with Host Trudy Thomas (until further notice, I am your co host)
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thematrix777

I am privileged and honored to be apart of the show. I expect nothing in return. I'm happy to work for Trudy and am thrilled to learn even more from the guests who come on to her show.

(It also makes me happy to know that members (in various venues), listeners, readers and viewers learn from me)

If someone feels I'm in the wrong place, I have permission to be the judge of that. There seems to be a bit of drama everywhere. Those who know me well know very well I'm not swayed by gossip.

The show has spread it's wings and broadened it's episodes beyond RSD/CRPS. While RSD/CRPS is still a focus chronic pain, depression and other illnesses are aired.

The show airs live Monday's 5:00 p.m PST and Friday's 9:00 a.m PST.

A chat room is available during the show. Listeners can call in and ask questions of the hosts or guests.

Lots of new things coming soon.

The show circles around hope because it takes hope and inner strength to over come the obstacles that life sometimes puts in our way.

Hope to see you there!

Once a sufferer, forever a survivor,

Until next time,

As the year comes to an end

2010-12-11T21:09:00.000-08:00

Been a while since I've written. Don't really know where to start.

I had another Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve block on the 2nd of December, a bit over a week ago.
My pain decreased decently and I was blessed to have such a breather. When it came back it came back hard and strong, depression started to set in, but I was keeping good humor and making sure I laughed and giggled at all that I found humorous. That's one of the things the psych doctor stresses the most in for those like me.

I fell asleep Friday morning after making a post to the Gorean Forum at CM that in parts weren't very nice. I didn't see it that way at first and not until cmailed by a FW. It was the fact that I had giggled at a Free man that got me scolded at. I really didn't mean to say what I did the way that I said it.

Was told I sounded or conducted myself more as a Free woman. Many people still see me as they did yesterday. The passive slave girl who would not ever dare do such a thing.

I wasn't thinking about online, I was thinking about living and not being ashamed of it. No excuses, but there are reasons.

It's just that I am free. No.. not in the manner in which you might think.

I guess you have to have a chronic disease or be dying of or surviving cancer or similar illnesses to understand.

I'm part way through with the Neuropathic Pain Study conducted by Inflexxion.

In January I'll begin a clinical trial, a study on cold laser therapy as a treatment for CRPS.
It's not a one time treatment, I'll need to be available through out the week and up coming weeks until completed.

My dad finally got out of the hospital after returning several times where his life was on the line in several circumstances. He's finally home and I'm happy for that. Mom's kidneys aren't well, but not bad enough for dialysis as of yet. Thank God!

I'll be on the air again live with Host Trudy Thomas on the Living with RSD radio show beginning this Monday.

http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thematrix777

This episodes guest is Seth David Chernoff, facing death as a two time cancer survivor.

Again the shows are live for 1 hour. Guests can call into the radio station to ask questions of the guest or host. You can join the chat room during the show to participate.

You can friend yourself to receive show reminders directly to your email.

I'm still a Group Leader for MDJunction's RSD Support forum.

Looking into more clinical trials.

Had a good Thanksgiving. Had my brother and kids over.

We're changing our own Christmas day since our oldest daughter works Christmas eve and day.

Not too sure what else to say right now.

Oh after the cold laser therapy we'll being doing a radio show on it. Will let you know when the time comes.

Wishing everyone a happy end to this year...

Until next time...

An Emotional Wreck

2010-09-17T10:51:00.000-07:00

My blog title seems accurate, but I have to keep it together some how. I've haven't been well the last couple of weeks, in a daze most of the time.

On top of the constant burning in my legs, having missed my (cover your ears guys) period for 2 months but still feeling it coming just added to the over all aches and pains my body has been going through. I kept having panic attacks, one minute I was there, the next I wasn't. A frightening feeling of jumping out of ones own skin and hopping back in just as quick.

I finally started my girl time and ... Ugh!

Spacing out when being spoken to, my mind was on something else, sensing something coming. A feeling of discontentment and then it happened.

The man lost his job 2 days ago.

He's just as emotional but I am his calm. I have to be. I am his security to feel it will be okay instead of that it won't be.

Prior to finding this out, I've gone days without sleep, other days I sleep too much, and I have become burn out on doing anything. I'm behind in housework, I haven't fed anyone more than once or twice in more than a week or so. Last evening I made pork chops and even that seemed to be a major accomplishment.

If I thought I could work outside the home I would be already doing it. I've been promoting my adult toy stores the best that I can without purchasing advertising packages. It's not easy when competing against top businesses in the same category. I won't spam people. I'm not the type to send or spam the links off to people in my address books. I continue to hold back on that one.
Nor have I ever entered a chat room and tossed the links out there. I can remember the days back when I chatted myself in Yahoo and was so annoyed by the amount of spam.
Spam took over! I, like many others I'm sure got tired of putting people on ignore. I quit going.

My dad is finally home from the recovery center/hospital after a 2 month stay of surgeries and infections. I haven't even called. I sent mom a text message to say I was so glad he was better finally.

I don't feel content to discuss my pain and emotions with others. I'm use to and happy being the shoulder others need to express theirs. I haven't even written in my journals or blogs for some time.

My blogs are available to more than just my contacts. Family, friends and any can read it. I've held back for that purpose. Ah well that's what this is for... to babble on my thoughts or business.

I woke early this morning. Saw our son off to school. I took 2 Neurontin/Gabapentin just a bit ago and now I'm spaced to the hilt and extremely tired.

Think I'll try to sleep again now...

Until next time...

A New Beginning: My Life with RSD: Functional Restoration Programs

2010-09-11T10:58:00.000-07:00

A New Beginning: My Life with RSD: Functional Restoration Programs

Always Tired

2010-08-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

I'm always so very tired.

Being busy poops me out, doing nothing poops me out.

I was chosen to participate in a Neuropathic Pain Study. Originally I sent my fax in to late via the man and having to rely on him. I was put on the waiting list. After replying that I was still interested if a spot opened, I was emailed back within days that there was an opening.

This is a 6 week study. I'm hoping it helps me as well as the millions who suffer or struggle with neuropathic pain and similar conditions or disorders.

The last radio show went great! I was low in the beginning and went from head set to hand set mid show. It did go well after all. You may have to turn me up in the beginning. The show was on Mirror Therapy and Desensitization.

Here it is nearly 4:00 a.m and while I'm sleepy, I'm awake sitting up in bed in the dark. I'm often like this. Even fall asleep sitting up.

Our son started the 8th grade on Monday. The girls are doing well.

The man has been back to work for a month now. A bit of separation anxiety still exists, but unlike my friend who recently lost her Master without warning, mine is coming home for as long as the good Lord allows.

I think about my friend and how she's coping. It brings back memories of my own Master's heart attack at his age of 38 at the time. Fear has continued to run through me ever since. He still has 2 stents in his heart. But I have him and I'm grateful.

I pray my friend has a bright and happy future ahead of her.

I haven't done too much more with my other xxx blog or any of them really.

Keeping dishes washed and man toilet clean is chore enough most days. Cooking meals are exhausting my limbs. Pain over flows and I have a hard time catching up.

I've lost a few pounds, but worry the return to taking Neurontin will put it back on.

In June we celebrated 24 years together, on the 14th (a few days ago) we quietly celebrated 23 married. It's sometimes hard to believe we're heading on 25 years.

I've belonged to him 7 years longer than I ever belonged my parents.

One thing I have become some what addicted to is the series Lost. Been watching it on Netflix starting from 2004 finally up to 2006. A few episodes an evening when able. Yep, I'm stuck!

Wishing you all well

Until next time..

Mirror Therapy (on the air live tomorrow morning)

2010-08-05T11:54:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone

Please join me tomorrow morning August 6th, 2010 at 9:00 a.m PST, 11:00 a.m Central and 12:00 p.m noon EST

For a show on Mirror Therapy and desensitization. I'll be your guest with Host Trudy Thomas http://www.blogtalkradio.com/thematrix777

A chat room is also available during the show.

The show is a live one hour segment (but can be downloaded after the show airs or played directly from the site) You can call in and ask questions too Call in number 347-884-9691

We ask that you bring a mirror, full length for lower extremity or a table top for upper extremity RSD. Bring cotton or silk for desensitization. This is not a requirement, but helpful.

Privileged once again to be the guest speaker on the Living with RSD radio show tomorrow morning discussing/teaching Mirror Therapy and desensitization. My 2nd time on the air as a guest, the last time as co host. The targeted audience is for those with disabilities, in chronic pain or who've lost the use of their limbs or ROM.

Until next time...

New Adult Blog

2010-07-24T20:51:00.000-07:00

Adult related. Add if you like. Not intended for the weak. Explicit links included. salacioussurrender.blogspot.com

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Keeping as busy as able. Working various venues, and then pooping out again. The mans new work schedule will take a lot of getting use to and difficult to keep up on anything besides him and the home.

On days I couldn't manage being up and about, he would help with some dinners at times. This isn't going to happen any more, nor should it, so there may be more nights the rest of the home are on their own. I don't like that. I don't even like knowing that. It makes me feel terrible. Still not sure how it's going to work out. Pushing myself too much, puts me down for days. There isn't any balance.

We did go to the lake a week or so ago for a few hours. Had a great time. I eased myself into the water as most of us do to get use to it. I finally fully submerged a couple of times. But my knee to my toes on the right side still feel like it's in ice water. A painful feeling. The fire and ice burning is awful.

My dad's had even more surgeries since his motor cycle accident a couple of months ago, staph infections run through him and he's just not well at all. He's now going back to a rehab facility for another 5-7 weeks. Mom continued to work and stay with him at the hospital. I don't think she can stay with him at the rehab. All we can do is keep praying.

I'm not sure how often I'll check into this blog, I'm overloaded, but there's a reason to the other. I'm leaving the domain of same name pointed to my toy store for now and where it's been for over a year or more, the new blog is for what I had prior to losing a site/directory I had a few years ago. If I get it back to what it was, if ever, I'll make the blog the domain and list the toy store instead.

Warm wishes

Until next time...

Medical (Medicinal) Marijuana Defense Trial

2010-06-26T03:53:00.000-07:00

Jeffrey's Story- Medical (Medicinal) Marijuana Defense Trial

http://www.crpsadvisory.com/jeffreysstory_introduction.html

For more information click on the related tabs via the link above.

A video presentation is coming soon.

If you support Jeffrey please sign the guest book and let him know.

Any further comments and thoughts are welcomed also.

We are much safer in California, we can get legal prescriptions for cannabis to purchase through various smoke shops. possess eight ounces of dried cannabis, six mature plants, or up to twelve immature plants minimally. Some counties allow even more.

Jeffrey is from Florida and the laws are so tight that 1 plant is too much. From my source at: http://norml.org/index.cfm?wtm_view=&Group_ID=4530.It he's looking at 5-15 easy.

Harsh for trying to be a survivor rather than a sufferer.

Some might say he should have known better, but drastic times call for drastic measures...

As I've said before..

It really hurts to hurt.

Until next time...

Exhaustion Runs Through Me

2010-06-10T01:59:00.000-07:00

I've been so tired. I have no energy. The pain drains me entirely. I'm often in a daze. I hear voices, but they seem so far away, even when they're just a whisper away. Conversations, television, etc.

I've been asked to co host the Living with RSD radio show beginning Friday June 18 @ 9:00 a.m. PST Guest is a pain management physician with further specialties from NV. while the current co host takes some medical leave days. I'm excited. A little nervous, of course. The shows are live and not scripted. The show I was on last month turned out well. After a few shows I should be fine. The host takes care of nearly all the interviewing, I'll chime in as necessary. I'll be managing the chat room as well. The host is wonderful. She's done well to bring so much information to the masses. Couldn't be happier to be apart of it.

I'm helping a man promote awareness for his "first medical (marijuana) defense trial". Advocating the medicinal use for chronic pain. He's the one facing trial. His story can be found here http://www.CRPSAdvisory.com/JeffreysStory There will be more to come.

I've been really busy. Major tool for chronic pain is distraction.

Been trying to take care of the men of the home, but it's getting harder and harder. My body is so weak. I can get dinner's prepared, cooked and served 3-4 days a week at best. For every day up, it's still the next down. Sometimes I can go 2-3 days in a row, but then a hard crash. Just wish it was a crash that came with sleep. Solid, undisturbed sleep. Never the case. It's a cycle I just can't break. My body can't take it. I have so much guilt for not being able to do more physically. While I know it's not my fault it doesn't make it easier. I care a lot.

I want to do more, I want to jump and up and down, dance, or ski, It hurts like hell to just stand, and when I do, I have to raise my spine slowly up into proper standing position, or my back and spine seizes. Taking just a few steps is sometimes unbearable.

I try to smile often. I love all that I do to help others and all that I advocate for. I wish I had more left in me to do even more. It makes me happy and gives me a sense of purpose. My calling must be in here somewhere. I have to pace my time and effort carefully.

I may need to return to one of the medications I gave up last summer. I made it a year! It's been a really hard year. I did it!

My pain feels like a blow torch has been set to my flesh and the iciest of ice picks have been thrust through me. Continuous, an intense constant ache right down to the bones. Body seizures, jerking hard with no warning, just to cease as quickly as they occur.

Having to tell the one you love to stop a tender caress is as painful emotionally as it is physically. It's really sad.

I can feel myself slipping faster and faster, but there's no rock bottom to crash into, I have to catch myself before I fall. Me! I have to have the will fly upward and so much more than that the determination to go on.

I keep telling myself "pain can't break me". Oh but it tries. I no longer pray for a cure. I pray for calm and ease. Inner peace. I'm really not a sufferer, I am a survivor.

It's all so bittersweet

Until next time...

On the Air Live May 28th 12:00 p.m EST

2010-05-27T15:50:00.000-07:00

It's the evening before my live radio event. I'll be on the air tomorrow morning at 12:00 p.m EST, 'course it will be 9:00 a.m for me (PST).

I'll surely be waking up with Folgers in my cup. I'm really excited about doing the show. I've already been asked to do another and am working on making that happen. It will be a how-to on Mirror Therapy. Listener's will be asked to have a mirror handy. Fun and informative all at once.

Tomorrow's show is on Functional Restoration and the pain patient. I couldn't be more happy to have been chosen as guest speaker.

I'm not listening the stations name here as not to contribute to speculation being that this specific blog is both adult related and health related. Though it has been posted several other places and of course will be given out if asked for.

In conjunction with the station I wrote a preview of the show and what will be discussed. At first I thought I wouldn't make it through an hour, yet there's so much information, an hour may not be enough.

Functional Restoration and the Pain Patient
by Twinkle VanFleet
written for Living With RSD Radio
And Compass Center for Restoration

We all seek pain relief. Aside from a cure, maintaining our pain levels to a tolerable degree is the next best thing. Medications assist and can cause additional problems. After awhile we can become immune needing a higher and higher dose just to get the same relief as when we started. If a medication isn't working, there is no benefit to taking it and one should discontinue. Medication should only be used if it actually eases and manages the pain.

There are several other things we can do to minimize our pain and lessen the intensity for as long as a pain pill might. And maybe even feel much better doing it.

Biofeedback, breathing, meditation, relaxation, yoga, pacing, changing the way we think, self-talk. pacing activities, shifting focus, visual imagery, expressing emotions, practicing appreciation, nutrition, having a flare-up protocol (duration, frequency, intensity), exercise, modalities, distraction, coping beliefs, desensitization, yoga, mirror therapy and more.

Goal Setting.
Choose a "directional goal" for the day.
Choose a "physical goal" for the day.
Choose a "memory goal" for the day.

Record both Physical and emotional responses to pain (0-10)

When setting a goal, never say "I'll try", but instead, "I will"
Don't say "I'll try to do the dishes", instead, I will do the dishes".
Thinking positive keeps us in a positive state of mind.

When we learn to get our emotional responses to our pain down it will decrease our physical response. Stress, fatigue and depression adds to our pain. We can learn to alter the way we feel.

Crucial to a CRPS patient is the ability to pace oneself throughout the day. It's not good for a CRPS patient to have a mindset of "I use to spend an hour at the gym 3 times a week. If I do the same now, I'll get better. This type of thinking is asking for a flare up. Instead, set your mind at "I will practice several routines for small times but over the course of the day". This will help prevent flare ups.

We can't dwell on who we use to be, all those things we use to do. Many of us remain locked in the bubble of our past. We feel we lost everything, nothing is the same, our lives are over.

We can learn to live a fulfilling life despite the pain. We have to learn to embrace our new selves and find happiness. Focus on the good and let go of the bad. Continuing to remain focused on all that was is stressful. Stress invites additional pain.

Practicing appreciation

Due to our beliefs we develop a pattern of "automatic thoughts" which often occur outside our conscious awareness. The only way we know "why we are thinking what we are thinking" is to develop awareness about our cognitive (thinking) process.

Research has shown that people are more successful at comping with chronic pain when they have clear goals and direct there attention and efforts toward "what to do" or "what is possible" instead of "what not to do" or "what is possible". This does not suggest a person should be in denial about one's limitations. Good awareness and the development of realistic and measurable goals are critical to success.

Appreciation- Recognition of the quality, value, significance, or magnitude of people and things.

Optimism-- Tendency to expect the best possible outcome or dwell on the mot hopeful aspects of the situation. Optimism has been associated with an enhanced immune system. A pessimistic attitude has been associated with depression and generally poor health. Pessimists tend to view events that happens to them as stable (this always happens to me). Optimists view events a temporal (just because it happened once does not mean it will happen again), specific (I am having problems learning to pace myself) and external (other people are responsible for their behaviors, I'm responsible for mine).

Pain--->Guarding or Protecting: Pattern/Less Use--->Fewer Normal movement signals to spinal cord and brain--->Tissues begin to redesign themselves including: muscle wasting/shortening, out of control swelling, increased sensitivity of local temperature and touch receptors--->Decreased movement/use, decreased socialization, decreased psychological coping.

This pattern created several changes to the body that ultimately serves to make the disease worse, in a never ending cycle of pain.

Experience reflects our Beliefs, our beliefs reflect our Thoughts, our thoughts reflect our Emotions and our emotions reflect our Behavior.

Changing the way we think (if negative) is imperative to becoming survivors, rather than sufferers.

Exercise and Physical Therapy- This doesn't need to be a workout, again pacing is our friend. We will not hurt ourselves worse. CRPS patients have to exercise. Unless there is other damage unrelated to CRPS, we will not damage ourselves further.
Example- If someone has guarded their ankle to the point of losing use, attempting 3 ankle raises is good for us. If CRPS is in our fingers, wiggling them is okay. Same with our toes or any other part of the body. This is not to say it isn't going to hurt. We have to move it or lose it.

Basic Yoga positions can help and bring a calm and peaceful state of mind at the same time.

Having a routine is important. It takes 3 weeks to make or break a habit.
Pain patients often have a terrible time sleeping. Sleeping days, and awake nights, no pattern. Our internal clocks stop working. It can be reset by waking at sunrise and settling down to sleep with the sunset.

Don't isolate, be around other's as much as possible. We all need our quiet time, yet let it be just that. Our bedroom's are for sleep. If we spend all day in our room it can cause us sleeping problems even if we already have them.

Some of us wait and wait for a cure and then look back 10 years to find it hasn't come yet just to realize 10 years has past them by.

Frustrations, Worker's Compensation, insurance companies, denials and delays, lack of answers, the feeling of an uncertain future all cause our emotions to be unsettling.

We have to take primary responsibility for our own pain. We have to want to break the cycles that keep us from moving forward. Happiness is found in accomplishment. Success come from commitment.

Breathe!

All things are possible.

Until next time...

A song, Please listen- RSD A Mystery

2010-05-14T10:17:00.000-07:00

"RSD A Mystery"
By KJ Reimensnyder-Wagner

Listen to "RSD A Mystery"

Download Windows Media player (free)

No one knows the pain I feel
No one knows, it seems unreal
Sometimes I hope, I want to believe
That life goes on without disease

Oh, not so very long ago
I hurt my leg and did not know
Until my body refused to mend
And turned instead to the hell I'm in

(Chorus)

RSD - that dystophy
Can change your life, oh it did for me
Let's find a cure, so we'll be free
From RSD, RSD

Skin will swell, appearing tight
And blister sores, some hide with fright
Five million souls and more feel pain
Like pokers hot, you go insane.

(Chorus)

RSD - that dystophy
Can change your life, oh it did for me
Let's find a cure, so we'll be free
From RSD, RSD

(Bridge)

I want a hug, but please stay away
I want you close but it hurts that way
Tender moments are what I miss
But RSD's robbed me of this

Many colors have adorned my skin
When breezes blow, I hide within
But if I stay focused on what is right
I beat depression; I win this fight

(Chorus)

Oh RSD - that dystophy
Can change your life, oh it did for me
Let's find a cure, so we'll be free
From RSD, RSD

I wonder why this was meant to be
Was I put here so I could speak?
Oh, put yourself inside my shoes
Let's work to find insightful news

(Final Chorus)

Yes, RSD's a mystery
But I'm not looking for sympathy
Let's set our sights, yes, you and me
Let's find that cure for RSD

(repeat)

Yes, we'll have the cure for RSD!

---

Until next time....

Pain Pain Go Away...

2010-05-04T23:39:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I've written. Been having terrible pain in my back/spine/hip and butt.

It was so bad I upped my last pain management appointment to bypass going to the ER. They gave me a shot of Toradol which barely took the edge off. A couple of days later they prescribed me a Medrol pack. A medicine one takes 6 of the first day, then 5, 4, 3 and down until completed.

During this time the man went out of town for 2 days on a previous commitment. He would have stayed home but I didn't want him to cancel.

I was watched over by the other man of the house and our son.

I was forced to resort to the use of my walker... and for days I needed assistance just getting to my feet. I couldn't stand straight or raise my back up to it's proper position. I could only walk slouched over for days. Finally I was able to raise, but oh my did it hurt. It began to ease and within a day or so it was back.

I've been stressing over the fact that I haven't been able to do dinners and chores like I want to. A couple of nights a week the men fend for themselves. It really hurts my feelings. I feel worthless. I know they understand. If they didn't I would be forced, but forcing me wouldn't get the job done either. I'm just grateful I'm not put down over it.. I put myself down enough.

Dad finally got out of the hospital just days ago. He beat a staff infection from the first hospital. He was in a second for rehab, spent time there and was able to go home. He has a long road of recovery ahead of him. Am thankful he made it home.

I was asked to be a guest on an online radio show... Living with RSD.. and I'll be speaking about functional restoration.. will let those interested know when my show date will be. I may not post it here, instead privately for privacy reasons and to protect the station from any spam or unwanted advertising since my blog is all of me. Some things should be separated.

I was honored to be asked and chosen for this. It's an hour long segment and live. People can call in and ask questions during the show. For those who can't listen live, it will be archived and downloadable.

I don't have any other doctor other than my pain manager. Not even a primary physician. More must be going on... and part of me doesn't want to know while the other part tells me to find out or else.

Pain is a sign of something wrong.. it's our warning that there is.

I know my body enough to distinguish Fibromyalgia pain from CRPS pain. Fibro pain is a result of fatigue and stress, muscle pain. CRPS pain burns and never lets up.

Some think Fibro and CRPS are the same. They are not. Similarities exist, but major differences.

My left side has been hurting even more trying to compensate for the lack of my right.

My last block did help the pain in my knee.. phew! It's still helping it, but gradually wearing off. It returned to the rest of the right side soon after. I did get a decent week. I know for sure I was blocked at L2 and L4, but not entirely sure the other areas.

Blocks are taking a chance...sometimes they help a little, sometimes not.

After the 5 day Medrol pack, I got a break in pain for a time being enough to clean both bathrooms, the kitchen is rarely dirty and even though I stressed over it, its' been kept up.
The man or son vacuums and everyone takes care of their personal areas which is of a great help. Plus it's there own areas which is not by business to mess with anyhow.

The garbage is our sons job though I often pull it up and replace the bag. He gets behind on it. I don't like nagging and end up doing it at times and so I do it myself except for taking it out.

Ugh summer is near. I can't handle the heat. It makes my skin feel like it's being bitten. I'm not able to wear too much clothing as is.. I worry about the heat and not wanting to wear any.

But I have to. (mostly)

I am looking forward to not feeling the added pain from winters barometric changes.

All I can do is make it from day to day.. moment by moment really, nothing is consistent but pain.

I try to keep smiling.. and often do.

I may have to go back on previous meds and am trying not to go backwards.. in many ways it's inevitable. I can't stay in bed all day. Getting up is harder and harder plus I miss out on living and seeing the sun shine or the rain pour.

I have absolutely no energy and it can't be my meds, I don't take enough to keep me sleepy.

I feel so behind...

but I haven't let go of hope.

Until next time...

Dad's Motorcycle Accident

2010-04-19T16:29:00.000-07:00

On April 14th I was awoken to a call from my mom. She said "Hi, honey" and right away I knew there was something wrong. In my half awake, partially comatose state, I could sense something different in her voice and in just those two words.

My dad (step) had been in a bad motorcycle accident. He was in critical condition. They thought he had punctured his Aorta, kidneys and so forth. He has a sliver fracture at his spine.

It was his birthday.

On Saturday, the 17th, he was fitted for outer braces the second option to allow him to heal so the fracture doesn't move and paralyze him. The other option was surgery where a steel brace would be implanted on both sides.

I was so scared. Mom married this man, who happened to be her high school sweet heart 7 years after I closed my own dad's eyes who died of lung cancer in my husband's home in 1991. I took care of my dad while he passed. He came to our home to pass on, instead of remaining in the hospital to do it.

I took on all the responsibilities at 22, married 5 years, 2 daughters and mom came with. My husband and his father took care of the funeral and the military salutes. Bless my father in law who passed on a year after, an mom in law who passed on a year after that.

Our children had one grandparent left and that was my mom. I continued to care for her for years until we got her an apartment of her own a block down the street to try to live again independently.

They were married 25 years.

A few years after, she had a dream one night about the old days and woke with a name on her mind. Her old boyfriend, Don. She contacted his mother who was in Sacramento and from there she met up wit him again.

To make a long story shorter they were married in 1998. Yesterday was their anniversary.

When I first found out of the accident, I was so fearful. I worried about mom needing support, I prayed he wouldn't die, I couldn't even get there.

My immediate family other than my man, and children are in Georgia.

Not only would there have been an issue with monies, but of traveling. Scraping up the funds for 1 round trip ticket to Atlanta would be one thing, transporting myself would be another. I would be wheelchair bound.. all I could think of was.... how? The next thought was to take my son with as he grew up with my disabilities and could care for me even at 13. But then... more $$$.

I was so relieved to find dad's been alert and even playful at times, ornery too.

Mom and dad both work. At the same store. Dad retired years ago and has that income, but now may be forced to retire again.

He's still in the hospital and it will be a long recovery and life will be different.

The Harley's been destroyed. A freak accident. He avoided hitting a critter in the road which was the cause of losing control of the bike.

I just hope all stays the same or gets better... it's still a critical time of knowing all for sure.

Until next time...

3 Weeks Post Pain Block

2010-04-12T08:23:00.000-07:00

I had a really good 4 days of pain relief. The pain crept back up so quickly and I think the change in the barometric pressure added to it again.

My body tells me when it's about to rain. It goes crazy days before. I've been pushing myself to have some sort of routine. At best it's dinner for the men each night. I'm not very active at all, my legs only have so much time in a day to keep me up. I plan that up time for preparing supper. I serve them their plates, wash up the dishes and I'm down again. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't.

This illness continues to suck the life out of me. It's not just the pain, no energy at all.

I'm often back in bed right after dinner is taken care of. Try to relax to a little tv. Wait and hope to fall asleep and stay asleep, but I'm lucky to get 2 hours at a time.

Sometimes I try to knock myself out with OTC pm meds. (Tylenol PM, etc) I just don't stay asleep. I can never get comfortable.

My body seizers often, myoclonic jerks partially due to Dystonia which I ended up with secondary to CRPS. It's like some one pushed me hard, jerked me violently. I've hit myself in the face before when my shoulders and arms jerked. It's scary.

They are completely uncontrollable. Never know when it's coming. It's all night long and only recently starting when I'm upright or trying to walk. It's usually always been in a laying position.

Every so often, I'm found sitting up in bed in indian style, but asleep. It's the only way to ease the jerking. I assume that's why I do it. They'll let me know to lay back down and I do, but sometimes I do it again not knowing I'm doing it. I find myself sitting up all the time.

I worry over it, but what can a girl do?

I don't use my wheel chair in the home. I use my legs. But it's getting harder and harder. I have to pace myself.

Really that's the only reason they get dinner... pacing. If I over do it, we all lose out.

Our daughters have been moved out for about 6 weeks now I think. I'm the sole female here. 2 men, the son and I.

I may be having 2 more blocks set up at my next pain management appointment. A few days of eased pain isn't much and some mind think not even worth the risk, but in my situation it is worth the breather I get when pain decreases enough for me to smile and mean it.

I'm reconsidering having the nerves severed permanetly. If I do it, I may never walk again. I wouldn't feel my foot/leg.

There are no good options with this illness. Learning to manage ones own pain with the assistance of a pain management clinic is all we can do.

Visual imagery, meditation, distraction, mobilities, meds, spinal cord stimulation and physical therapy.

Move it or lose it.

Until next time

Friday Night @ The River's Edge

2010-03-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

It was a great time in many ways and in a few others not so good. Me, I had a blast! I danced with others on the dance floor, I flirted, teased, just had lots of fun. I was hoping I would since I had to be in the surgery center yesterday for a LSNB (pain block). We'll get back to that in a minute.

Back to the bar.. they had a live DJ, quite a few people I know were there, including a man I've known for about 20 years. He's getting married. First marriage for both him and his girl. I'm really happy about that and happy for him.

It was suppose to be a belated birthday gathering as one daughter turned 22 on the 11th and the other 21 on the 15th.

All the couples they grew up with came, we must have had 20 people there not including ourselves. It turned out to be more of a party for the oldest than the youngest and I felt really bad.

One daughter let all her friends know to be there, the other didn't. sighs

Something happened later and 2nd daughter and 1st daughters baby daddy split and walked home. sigh sigh sigh

We spent the night in West Sac that night at their apt and took a cab there. No drinking and driving!

Came home the next morning.

As for my time at the pain and diagnostics surgery center yesterday morning. I came home and slept like I haven't in months. I'm sore from the injections and have some pain from my illnesses, but I'm happy with the results, just worried it won't last long. I go back to pain management tomorrow to either change my meds or set up additional blocks. Those are my only options at this time.

In photo- Jessica, Ebony, Me, Kharisma and Leslie

Until next time...

Comedian John Caparulo

2010-03-03T23:10:00.000-08:00

It was a great show at the Punch Line in Downtown Sacramento they said. Sadly I wasn't able to make it, but the man and his daughters did.

I really wish I could have attended but I'm afraid I'd have ended up a party pooper that day.

I'm soooo glad they enjoyed it.

Until next time...

They Left the Nest

2010-02-25T08:51:00.001-08:00

The girls moved out already. It came really fast. Originally when it was sprung on us, it would have been around the first. Not! It was Tuesday! Up and out! They still have much to move out of here. Everything really. Only took a few items. Haven't seen them since.

We had a few appointments on Tuesday. Prior to heading out, we were told they may get the apartment that day.

While we were out and about we got another call that they did in fact get it and the keys to move in as well.

After the appointments we went and bought them major necessities like toiletries, silverware, hand towels, kitchen stove mittens, food, broom, mop, cleaning supplies and so forth.

The girls turn 22 and 21 next month. While they both already got their birthday gifts early, in a way they got even more.

They are suppose to return this weekend to continue moving out their belongings.

I really didn't think it would come so fast. I am glad though that they had a plan of action and executed it.

Soon we'll be re painting and cleaning the carpets. Yay.

Our son has 2 rooms now. One for his bedroom and another for his Studio. (He writes and mixes music)

We'll soon have a new addition to the home. One who will use the 2 room addition. Double yay!!!

I'll now be the only female in the home. Eeeps!

Quite a change.

It's much more peaceful already. I don't have to worry about asking them to get their own chores done, clean up their own messes, watch the grandson, etc.

Now we can visit one another, they can come home for holidays or us go with them. It should be nice.

Until next time...

When Children Move On.. and Out

2010-02-21T04:24:00.000-08:00

A few days ago we were informed our daughter's are moving out. While this is a good thing, their dad wasn't pleased at the abruptness.

We just don't see how they will make it, however, gotta let them go and see if they can fly.

They often try to take advantage of us as is. In the last months this has been in question more than once. Adults pay rent, adults living in parents home do chores. No one gets a free ride. They can't pay rent here, but can elsewhere?

There was the main issue.

Army girl had just switched rooms with her brother. She took the second largest room and he took the smaller. Actually her bedroom might be larger than ours, but ours has the master bath.

We knew something was up, but didn't know it was a double doozie.

The oldest and grandson leaving will open up the 2 room addition to the home with private entrance. Similar to a living room with seperate bedroom. A door which leads into the home and another out front and a few feet from our own front door. It could also be considered a den with an extra bedroom.

One of my major goals was to one day use that addition for a support group meetings.

There are no support groups for RSD/CRPS in the Sacramento area. People need real time support. Online is a good alternative, but it will never replace actual flesh and blood contact. I could start a non profit. I have options.

We can also rent it out.

I could start a day care. The bedroom would fit 2 bunk beds, the front room/den area a play area.

I highly doubt I would ever do this. I don't have the energy for rug rats.

Our oldest daughter often helped me during surgeries etc. A care giver of sorts. But am thinking with all the extra house work that comes from her family, that once they are moved out and army girl as well, there won't be as much to do.

I may eventually, a little at a time, get the home the way I will like it. Get the baby prints off the walls, by painting, all the toys, but a few will be gone. The kitchen will be better kept in order. Electricity bills will decrease.

It's too much with a house full. Especially of adult children who don't care to even clean up their own messes. That's hard on us.

They're moving back to the apartments we moved from prior to buying our home. Back to West Sacramento, where we lived since it became it's own city separate from Sacramento in 1987.

We lived in those apartments since the fire in 2000 where we lost everything. No renters insurance. (any one who rents, please get insurance).

A year later, I was injured. I know all their memories lie within and around those apartments.

Now we'll just have our son to care for on a daily basis. And too it will give him a place to spend time away from home on occasion. And our grandson can come home to visit us as well.

They just have to realize that we won't be paying their way. One has a child, the other has been in the Army... they can do it, but responsibility comes with it.

It's going to go from full noisy house to nearly empty around the first of March.

A good birthday present for the both of them in a way. One turns 22 March 11th and the other 21 March 15.

And not to leave our son out.. he'll be 13 March 31st.

See how I couldn't leave him out? All March babies. ~grins

I'm beginning to get excited for them. I know we'll help them gather items of need. Kitchen and toilet necessities. Help find them furniture or pass them things from here. Just wont be putting out a lot of money. We're tight on funds ourselves and will now lose the little rent we do get from them.

One thing is for sure the empty rooms will need to be painted and carpets cleaned and they'll have to come back and take care of that. The oldest already agreed to come back and help paint the entire home since her boy marked some of the walls and such.

Just hoping it all turns out to be a good thing all around...

Until next time

Life's Purpose

2010-02-19T05:28:00.000-08:00

I just finished reading a friends blog titled "What Gives Life Purpose" and I began to reflect on my own life as I've done so many times before. I might close my eyes and travel the path of what use to be. My life and my past.

I think about the many times I've been caught up in pain of one sort or other. From molestation, losing babies, fires, death of friends and family and so much more. I also think on the good, those things I've accomplished, chosen for either by man or God, maybe both.

My twin died 3 months before I was born. I myself wasn't to survive. I remember the stories of my possible birth. A few of them. After my twin died, my mom was encouraged to have a late term abortion. An ugly type of abortion that would kill me, but also have me pass through the birth canal and be born. Just still born.

My moms life was at stake through this entire ordeal.

The second option, after my mom refused to have this done was for my parents to accept that if I survived being born, I would be mentally and physically retarded and that they need to begin arrangements to have me placed in a long term care facility.

I still have the scars of the forceps on my head. Like a horse shoe, a lucky horse shoe.

There's two reasons I was named Twinkle, one my eyes twinkled with life, I'm often told that to this day. My dark brown eyes dance and twinkle especially when in laughter, mischief and so forth. The second.. I brought a twinkle to my dads eyes.

"course most think I was named from a couple hippies. I was born at the height of the Vietnam war. 1968. Another story exists with in this also, but I won't be speaking of it now.

When I was 22 I lost my own twins. Neither survived. One was ectopic, the other in uterus. If I had known then when I learned later, I might have been able to save the second. No one knew. For such tiny things, I carry an enormous scar. Not just an emotional scar, a physical one.

My belly was cut far from the left to far to the right and is quite apparent to this day. The result of the surgery and it being an exploratory left me with the reminder all my days. From that time on I was not supposed to be able to have children. Both our girls were born by the time I was 20. To imagine 4 children at 22... wow. I left it with being God's choice.

My Master was the last to carry on his family name.

I prayed and prayed.

Nearly 9 years after are oldest daughter was born, I gave birth to a son. It's odd how life works. I had already signed for a tubaligation prior to being wheeled in for that surgery where those babies were lost. Prior to being rolled in, my doctor, who was also my moms doctor and who delivered me, ask me one last time if I was sure, together we all tore up the signed documents.

Had I done that, our son would have never been. After all, he already shouldn't have been.

I went on to lose another child 2003. January 8th. I'll never forget it.

A few other things tried to get the best of me over the years. I learned to just move on.

The 9 year anniversary of my injury was January 26th of last month. And since then it's been a hard road.

What's my purpose?

I do know that had I not been injured and ending up with these various illnesses, debilitating ones, I would have never met so many wonderful people.

1000's of people in pain.

There's no doubt some would have crossed my path or mine theirs, but not to this extent.

Now I'm a guinea pig for medication research, therapy programs and so forth. An advocate for those suffering and those trying to live with the little they've got.

I'm taking a medication intended for Opiate addiction and instead using it for pain control. The nastiest stuff imaginable that is taken under the tongue until completely dissolved usually 10 minutes each time.

Last week I was having suicidal ideations again. I hadn't felt that way for awhile. Thinking of ways out, a break, and end to it all. I didn't act on my thoughts, instead I secluded myself for days. Turned off the comp and waited for the ugly emotions to leave me.

I wasn't thinking that way because I really wanted to die, on the contrary, I want to live.

...But not like this.

Continuous pain distorts perception. There are moments of insanity when the painful peak is so high it seems it will never ease down. It's easy to lose ones mind, even for a moment. Reality pushes forth and the right mind, knowing right from wrong, shows it self once more. The ability to reason becomes present long enough to tell myself "Are you crazy?"

My purpose surely wasn't home schooling our son,

but I experienced it.

Maybe my purpose is "experiencing".

I'm nearly certain part of it is the ability to understand. Walk many shoes. Remain compassionate, loyal, devoted and all be able to retain the playful spirit I once shared with people on a regular basis, either through work or association.

I've never turned hateful through any of it.. Even parts I haven't mentioned...

Sure I've been hurt, or at times felt punished some how, but I'd also have to believe I've done something to be punished for and.. I haven't. It could be the demons of dark trying to sway me from the goodness of light and if that could be true...

I could have the devil on me for not turning the other way and into it's darkness..

My ultimate purpose could be remaining in the light of love and forgiveness and if that's all there is to it...

I can be happy with it..

If there's more to it..

Much is left to be seen

.. and learned.

Until next time..

Woot! Home From Casino

2010-02-09T17:53:00.000-08:00

... And brought it all home (The entire $250.00). Woot Woot!!!!

A little over $100.00 more.

Sometimes it's so hard to walk away... but..

I did! He praised me.. he knows how I can get wanting to play it back.

On the way home, he bought me Valentines presents. As I said before.. I don't often ask for anything, he let me pick something out in a monetary range.

I got 2 new irons. A Straighten (with curling ability) and a curling iron I've never seen before. It's like 3 irons all connected for spiral or horizontal curling.

Hm.. will be fun to play with.

Gotta do something with my long tresses other than braiding. ~grins

Until next time...

p.s.

Happy Birthday... Master .. ~smiles

Californina Lottory Woot Woot

2010-02-07T20:40:00.000-08:00

A few days ago my Master brought home 14 lottery tickets. An odd number but the left over of a $6.00 purchase. He kept 2, gave our son 2 to scratch off and gave me the rest.

I won a $50 dollar scratcher and a couple of free tickets. Yay! ( a 1 dollar ticket from the game Make Me a Millionare)

The next day I asked if I can have more with the winnings. He said sure, I won it.

I was tickled. He bought 20 and again we split it.

I won a $200 dollar ticket. Woot Woot!!!! (A 2.00 dollar from the game Diamonds)
It's a game that has 10 slots and one is to match your numbers to space/slot numbers to win that prize or uncover a 4X to auto win 4X the amount.

I won, 20, 20, 10- 4X, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20. ~big smile

Also one 3, $10 dollar tickets, 2, $2.00 tickets and 3 tickets.

Soooo out of the $36.00 dollar winnings and putting the 200.00 away, he got me more. lol

Won 30 back, lost the 6.00 and ...

Have been wanting to get away from here. So he booked us a room at Jackson Indian Casino which was going to be for today until tomorrow, but pain got the best of me even under happy circumstances.

We're going tomorrow. Taking the $230.00 with us.

I won our mini vacation and am sooooo happy!

If we lose it, it's okay because there's nothing out of pocket.

I feel lucky and blessed. Hopefully my winning streak isn't over.

Kept winning 10's on the lottery tickets. ~grins

So we're heading out around noontime tomorrow, maybe earlier and returning home on Tuesday the 9th. If we win anything, we may stay an extra day.

Hopefully that day will bring some good luck since... not only is it my dad (who's passed on) and my moms wedding anniversary, but also someone birthday whom I'm close to.

Mom has been re married several years, but I still make note of their day together. Dad and mom were married 25 years when he passed in 1991, when I was 22.

I'm glad to get a way before my next pain block, probably sure have waited to do so ... after, in case in relieved me enough.. I could have had less pain going, but...

The man needs a break too and is happy to take me, so tomorrow is it.

If I need to I can go back to the room and rest. When we went last year that's exactly what I did. Pain escalated and he took me back to the room, had some vroom vroom, fell asleep and when it was time to go back down (he set an alarm) I still wasn't well enough and he went instead. I wished him much luck and went back to sleep.

I poop out too fast even in fun.

Casino's aren't good places to use walkers or wheelchairs. So I'll wear lidocaine beneath my ankle brace. I have a cane that's always kept in the van, so will have it if I need it.

Being there is really a lot of sitting also and since my butt is broken lol.. I have to stand as able to relieve it as well.

I'm determined to have as much fun as I can. For both of us.

Until next time...

Another Pain Block

2010-01-28T03:21:00.000-08:00

I went to my PMD (Pain Management Doctor) on Tuesday. Due to the new damage to my right foot he's seeking authorization to do another Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve Block to try to keep damage where it is.

I'm not sure if I already mentioned it but I biffed it about 3 weeks ago. Lost balance from my leg giving out and fell to the side slamming that same foot into the side of the bed post near the ground. Ouch! The bruising is just now beginning to ease up.

I spent 8 hours in the ER last weekend when our daughter was hit by a car, actually drug by it. We left out of here in a hurry and all I thought about was getting to her. We didn't know yet the extent of her injuries. I didn't have my wheelchair which is usually in the van. It had been removed to move furniture and we didn't realize it wasn't there in the commotion. I used my feet. It was complicated. But she was worth it.

Thank God there was no broken bones, just severe contusions and road rash from the vehicle pulling our daughter.

Our son may be able to return to school next week. He's doing much better on the Adderall.

I have mixed thoughts about the pain block. Of course I'm praying it will ease my pain, but I'm not looking forward to the needles. They do put me to sleep for the procedure and I'm usually home within 4 hours.

I got a letter today from the insurance company who's trying to get me to do a compromise and release of my future medical. I know it would get a lot of money. At least a quarter mil. But I'm not signing it away. I need the future medical and I know their game from before. They want me to see dollar signs. I mean ... most would jump at that offer.
Especially now... the economy, shortage... and so forth. We could definitely use it. But that's just it...

And soon enough we wouldn't be able to afford my medical.

So no deal. $250.000 would only pay for 2 years of medical at most. My SCS alone to maintain would eat that right up, not counting meds or procedures.

Just can't do it. My Master said so.

If this next block works... I'll get a couple of weeks of ease. If it doesn't... ugh. Been there done that too. The second to last one that I had caused more pain and I couldn't weight bare at all for 3 days. I couldn't put any pressure on my leg.

Hopefully things will get back to a more normal living soon. Home schooling a child isn't as easy as it seems. Haven't had time for anything... not even my groups.

I did assist an attorney with a claim for his client to present in court. I felt good about that.

Until next time...

What Color Am I?

2010-01-22T03:53:00.000-08:00

Our grandson will be 4 on the 2nd of February. He joined me in my den area (The dining room converted to a den of sorts) for some conversation. He talks a lot, exceptionally bright for his age and a sponge for information.

He said "Nana, my other grandma is black!" My Momma just told me. He has seen his other Grandma before. He calls her grandma and me nana. He never recognized color before in people though I'm sure he wondered of it in some way.

He was looking to me for affirmation that his mother was right. I told him it was true.

He said "momma told me I'm black and white". I said yes baby, you are. He seemed a little confused, but accepted it as the truth.

He began looking at his arms and legs. He didn't quite understand.

He bounced on the sofa a little as he became even more curious, but unsure.

He said "nana!!! "I can't find by black". I wanted to laugh at the way he said it. Quick, blunt and most serious.

He began comparing my skin to his and I rested my arm touching his. Not much of a color difference this way.

He bounces over to me and excitedly said he found "my black" (nana's black), he pointed to my eyes and said your black is on top your white, nana! He looked into the mirror and again excited showed me that he found "his black". Both of our eyes are dark brown.

No one else in the home has brown eyes. Not his mom, not his grandpa, not his aunt or his uncle..

I attempted to tell him that other people will call him black. Other people won't "see his white". He wanted to know why. That was hard on me. I knew the day would come.

He's never ever been alienated from black people or family. He's been brought up with both in his life.

I stressed to him that no matter what others said.. He is white! And he is black! He is both equally.

Growing up myself it was often assumed I was one color or another. The fact of the matter is that I am like a coat of many colors. A bit of nearly everything runs through my veins.

Which one am I?

I'm just me!

My grandson isn't African American as he didn't come from Africa, nor did his father, or grandparents...

They are Black Americans.

So while my grand son has yet to understand "where his black is", I can only hope to teach him that one is no better than the other and when the time comes for all the other questions, those questions I'm not much looking forward to, the questions of race, discrimination, prejudice...

I can help him walk both shoes, understand controversy from both sides, have faith in both cultures, take some things to heart and dismiss other things.

We've come far as a people, but I'm afraid not far enough...

Once he "finds his black", he will lose his white by societies standards. No one will see him as white. And I don't like that.

He will always be both regardless and he can define himself as one, or the other, or both.

Until next time...

Feeling PAIN of Others

2010-01-18T22:00:00.000-08:00

How many times have we heard over the years or claimed to feel the pain of other's? My mom has claimed to feel my pain, my Master feels pain in the same area's as I do and when he had his heart attack when he was 38 (He's 42 now) I swore I felt his.

Usually it's passed off as coincidence or that we are experiencing it from our minds. Just the thought of it makes us hurt.

An article in my monthly Pain Monitor from the American Pain Foundation piqued my interest further.

The article from Reuter's is located here: The Brain May Feel Other People's Pain

I'm left to wonder if we really feel some one elses pain or if our brains imagine the pain, therefore, we feel it.

It's been said twins especially identical feel each other's pain and perceptions.

Is this a connection of closeness?

In the article people are stimulated by images of pain. This would mean no closeness or physical connection.

Interesting all the same.

Until next time...

Lingering Pain

2010-01-17T01:01:00.000-08:00

For days now, weeks even, pain has been lingering harshly. Partly due to the fact I slammed my foot somewhere at the side of the bed causing a small cut, I stumbled and rolled on my toes. I knew it was giving me troubles and when it happened I even screamed out something to the effect I broke it again. As the initial pain from the slam eased down, I quit thinking about it. Going to the ER wouldn't have done me any good 'cept caused us a medical bill. Not like I could have gone to get a shot of morphine or something for that pain.. I can't take Opiates while on Suboxone.

One thing I learned in the FRP is not to focus on pain. In prior years I did. I think many of us do.

An example of focus would be that I would often look at my foot, and dwell on the 3 scars there, the discoloration and so on.

Days later when I took a really good look at it, wow. No wonder. When in the shower I hadn't looked down at all, soaking in a epson bath I did. There's a dark bruise from the beginning of my third toe to the side of my baby and at least the size of a half dollar moving upward toward right mid foot with a small cut from the impact.

But that's not where it hurts the most from this recent injury... it's hurts above my ankle on the right. Stabbing and deep.

I took pics in case my PMD wants to see or just to keep in my home file.

It's not easy to not focus on what hurts. Distraction is the best.

I've been using my Light Relief System for my right hip and thigh... it helps while it's on me, but not much after its not. It's the heat source that works best I think. Course the lights may have something to do with it.

It was a costly modality when my Master purchased it for me a year ago.

I'm thinking of trying aspercream again. I used all those products years and years ago. Salonpas, aspercream, icey hot.. capsaisen? etc.

But anything with that icey stuff in it makes me scream. Am serious. Not a good thing at all. It doesn't help, it worsens it.

I slept with 6 Lidocaine patches on last night and continued to wear through out the day. Usually one is to wear them 12 hours on 12 off I believe, but mine are prescribed for 20 on, 4 off.

I had them stuck from my right butt cheek to beneath my leg and my hip and thigh..

It just doesn't penetrate deep enough for relief. I can't recall the ingredients of the asper cream but if I do recall correctly... it's just an aspirin pain relieving cream without all that other crap.

You'd think the others including bengay for arthritis might help me for my arthritis, osteo etc... but I guess because my CRPS overlaps it with the nerve damage it's why it doesn't.

I'm just glad I didn't biff it again, my knees have taken on much damage from falling. Ugh.

Each time I fall I'm reminded of the original fall that caused all this. I guess that's the PTSD messing with me. Remember specifically tripping and having my hands out to break the fall, and tripping and tripping because there was nothing to grab onto. Needless to say I really did fly. lol Until I landed on the back of my head, my ass, and my back on a hard cement floor..

I never was xrayed for any of that. And I never did push it.

Looking back maybe I should have. On the other hand, sometimes it's just better to leave things be. Dunno.

It'll be 9 years on the 26th of this month.

Nothing has stopped hurting since. But in it all I've been able to walk many shoes I may have otherwise never done.

My knowledge, compassion and understanding keeps me going.

Until next time...

Order of Nature, Natural Order

2010-01-15T19:34:00.000-08:00

In regards to a discussion on the CM GP Forum arguing the terms order of nature and natural order from the books themselves it seems there's some controversy.

I know for many years it was said the Gorean Philosophy was based on Natural Order, later came Order of Nature which bumped Natural Order away as a boo boo.

The current controversy is a FW claiming "natural order" was never used in the book series. Others are unsure and one or two claim otherwise.

So here I've been flipping through Explorers (the New for 1979 edition, first printing March 1979) where I haven't come across the words as of yet, but .... going out on a limb here.. I believe I do recall the words natural order before and if not more than once in the series, too. I'll lick the lash if I'm not recalling properly.

The FW claims not so.

I think the thread is called-- So I've discovered this thing called "Gorean".

In any event, I'm not posting anything in regards to it. Well, 'less I find the discrepancy for certain.

Perhaps the problem is different publications of same book title.

The quoted text and page number on the thread listed is not in my book.

I do love puzzles..

And I really would do the work...

but...

hehe,

Until next time...

Edit to add- I couldn't stop looking.... sheesh

One reference found and verified.

Health Insurance

2010-01-03T01:38:00.000-08:00

Time are hard for many of us and lack of health insurance doesn't help any. We lost our health insurance a year ago.

Since our son had been sent away from school to be home schooled through the Independent Study Program pending his doctor's release to return due to ADHD it's been even rougher.

The school didn't like the fact that we didn't want Medi-cal, instead we opted for a program called Healthy Families. Instead of a free handout, we pay something for this. Granted a very small amount and I had no idea what that amount would until I opened the letter of approval this evening. All we wanted was to pay something and not feel as if we were free loading. I suppose even if it was medi cal we shouldn't feel so low about it, we've paid our taxes, we donate to charities when we can, we give, but still.

Our sons insurance becomes effective on the 8th of the month. Will be able to get him into his pediatrician, evaluated (and medicated if necessary, though am not looking forward to that) and back into school.

This could take a couple of months, but finally we can move forward.

We're looking into health care for ourselves. I'm pretty sure my knees are torn from my legs giving out the times they have. My Pain Management doesn't cover that really. The meds help out, but xrays etc on body parts not covered in my settlement aren't. Not even anything that's secondary to the original incident. That time has come and gone.

It'll be 9 years on the 26th of this month.

The man needs to be seen as he hasn't been on meds for his heart attack since we lost our insurance either. He and our son comes first. Me, it already is what it is.

They can be helped. Keeping a positive outlook...

Until next time...

Feelin' The Love

2010-01-01T11:37:00.000-08:00

The following video is a collab of our son Kurtis V/Lil O-z (of Cashboyclick) and his buddy Tryumph. Our son wrote the lyrics, you can find his solo at 1:32 in the Video. The cover is our son also.

Hope you like...

Until next time..

Gorean Forum Rambings, Xmas Vaca.

2009-12-28T03:58:00.000-08:00

The last 2 weeks I've found a little more time in the Gorean Forum I once spent much more time at. For one some of the threads titles didn't interest me enough to even read, much of it was repeats of previous threads.

One thread in particular I originally posted questions to a girl and tries to offer insight in a sincere manner. Later, I couldn't help but laugh with others. After 50+ pages it's like the song that never ends.

Another thread I offered knowledge about ice and walking boots. Got tore up on that one and ended up defending self back. Won't get into too many details other than one wouldn't have offered inaccurate information in the first place. If I didn't know I wouldn't have said so, ironically a health/injury post suddenly turn into..."I know you don't like that I know the slavery...." by the person who came at me with passive-aggressive remarks. Where that came from have no idea since it had absolutely nothing to do with the topic at hand.

Aside from that the dozen + cmails I received suggested I not speak to that person at all.
For the sake of the moment... I did just that.

So I wished her a Merry Christmas and left it at that. ~smiles

Being that it was Christmas time our group slowed down enough to read up and participate elsewhere. I've also tried to catch up on a few blogs.

I have a hard time squeezing enough time in the day to get to each on any kind of regular basis and for this I apologize. Sometimes bi-weekly at best.

I need to come up with more marketing, advertising and promotion techniques for the newer group that was handed to me. Still a small group. It was created some time ago, but when there's no one to oversee them, members often go to groups or forums that continue to stay active. So I understand it's demise prior to me taking it over. It could take an entire year at this point. Because it involves children I have to be more subtle and protect anonymity. Of course this is done in the other groups if necessary, but I have other peoples kids in my hands. I will take extra precautions. Additionally write so that they understand meaning. I need to set aside words above 10 year olds understanding.

There aren't many groups of the same out there. Even in doing a google/etc search my group comes up first...

I published another girl a couple of weeks ago and gave her her own web page on my site. I'll assist her in exposing her writings and link to other sites and so forth. I was happy to hear that she included it on a college application. These are RSD related essays and articles.

We had a really good Christmas. Presents and food. Everyone was happy.

Colored my hair back to bottle natural and streaked it with fuchsia. Can't see the fuchsia unless in the sun or light then wowies. I trimmed it a few days prior. 2 inches or about.

I see my PMD later this afternoon and am not sure if I'm staying for the Monday evening Phase 2 as of yet.

Happy New Year!

Until next time...

ADHD, etc

2009-12-12T17:29:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought life couldn't get harder.. it is. As some of you may know, I've been home schooling our son for the last 4 weeks. Yesterday school officials informed us that he would not be allowed back in school without a doctors release and being medicated.

He's been deemed severely ADHC by the Connor scales which 3 teachers and the principal filled out. I've seen changed in our son this last year, but I honestly believe that too many people are being given diagnosis' just to add meaning to problems. In our sons earlier school grades he was quite smart, his grades and SATS above average.

My son just can't sit still, he's bored easily, unlike some kids he takes extra initiative to answer questions (a few of his teachers praised him and us for this) the others found it disrespectful. When an adult is negative to him or tries to scold him, he will lash back out. He's very dominant. He won't stand down especially when he is right.

"course I've looked up all the symptoms and he has them all. It's just that I believe kids are affected by lifes circumstances. Heck, adults are affected by same and lash out.

Kurt was 3 when I was injured. He's gone through much and lost much. I believe that people possess inner strength to over come most all things. I've been teaching him deep breathing, things that I've learned for my own illnesses to learn how to be calm during the worse of it.

Needless to say since we've received that phone call, I've been... I dunno..

Only know our son is everything to me and I don't see how someone can force us to medicate him. I would do anything including medication to help him, but I'm not sure that's the right way to go.

We lost our health insurance nearly a year ago and the man has been refusing medi cal and similar since. We have never applied for things like this. But now, he say's for his sons sake, we have no choice. He's say's he's been helpless to help me all these years and I assure him it's okay because there's nothing he can do. Keeping me is helping me. He does have a chance to help our son and so last evening we opted to find out how to apply for health assistance. See if it was the man and I, we would not ask for assistance, we raised our daughters up and now need to do what we need to for our son or this will get even more out of control.

I'm just going to keep smiling, and smiling, and when I'm sad.. look at him, our son, grand son daughter's and smile again...

Because when they see me smile, they don't see my pain, and they smile...

I go back into surgery in the next 6 months.. it's all this crap that remains in our sons mind and heart, I know it.

The man and son exchange words often and it's because there's 2 strong dominants under the same roof, strong alpha males and everyone knows put to alpha's together, one of them will usually back down or defer.. these two don't.

Our son knows more about Gorean ideals and gorean living more than most 30 years old. It's been his up bringing and when it comes to taking charge, he's right on top of it.

Surprisingly it's the male teachers that have little to no problem with him except one from time to time and it's the female's that do. We've tried to tell him that once labeled the bad kid, often he will not be given another chance even when he's doing good. We've tested this and we were right.

There were days when he did well in class and still one of those females would find something, anything to put him down for..

I realize it wasn't quite nice to tell his teacher to "Be silent, woman" or "stop yelling at me, woman", but I also realize there was lots more he could have said. I really didn't think it was all that bad. At least he didn't say.. Be silent, slut! lol

Other females like counselor's, passerby's in the stores, or else where, adore him. He holds doors open for elderly, is compassionate to those with my own illness and even others. He cares.

Kurt joined 2 support groups with me at MDJ and was eager to do so. The ADHD group has 467 members, but the ADHD-Teens only 42 and no leader.. I bypassed the application form and notified the owner of the entire site to ask if he would give me a chance in leading this kids.

Being that I'm already a Group Leader there in the RSD Forum and second in charge of 5 leaders, as well as an Advocate, my Master gave me his permission, but warned me to be careful of overload. I told him if it became too overwhelming, I would seek out another leader for the kids and either remain as a back up or step down entirely.

I've been struggling with this in my first group, but the thing is is everyday is overwhelming for me. I have an idea of how to help these kids.. I'm good at things like that. Even in my RSD group, I run games and other things for distraction. Not every thread is technical.

I'm a leader, I'm just not dominant. I defer to the man above me. Even if appointed leader to the ADHD-Teens (as the first and only leader) I would still defer to a man. The owner himself.

So far both are pleased with my work there. I'm allowed to take initiative (that is important to the owner) and I do. I don't wait for someone to give me permission, but I do accept consequences.

Just as a slave, I do not need to be told every moment of the day what is expected of me. I know what is expected of me.

Well phew.. I know I babbled on a lot tonight...

My life has been full of challenges, some extreme, I'll get through this one too...

For my sons sake..

Until next time..

RSD/CRPS Flare-ups and Flare up protocols

2009-11-22T08:37:00.000-08:00

RSD/CRPS Flare-ups and Flare up protocols

We often talk about Flare-ups, but what does it mean exactly? Some are unaware of the meaning or feeling, others aren't sure how to use the word to describe the hard, fast, usually short term inflated pain. When I say short term I'm meaning the pain you already endure hassuddenly jumped up, spiked, heightened.

The definition of a Flare-up is defined as as sudden outbreak of flame or light: a flare-up of
the embers. An outburst or eruption: a flare-up of anger.

A recurrence or an intensification: a flare-up of rheumatism (RSD/CRPS)

A Medical Dictionary would define it as a sudden outburst or worsening of a disease or an
area on the skin surrounding the primary site of infection (injury) or irritation.

I've altered some of the words to include RSD for better understanding for those unsure of
it's meaning. The precise definitions are located here
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/flare+up

Most of us undoubtedly know what a Flare is though there are a few that are unsure of how
to associate the word with the meaning or their pain. I've had a handful of people ask me
what it is and so I wanted to take this time to help them understand the meaning and ways
of possibly easing them.

A young boy may have a flare up, we usually call these growing pains. Those with arthritis
may flare by intense cold. Asthma patients might flare because of allergies.

RSD patients might flare for a number of reasons from light to moderate activity, weather
changes, cooking dinner, playing with their children or grandchildren to nothing at all. It's
important to make every moment count despite the pain or be faced with bitterness, anger
and frustration all our days.

A flare for me is the fire which already burns steadily (7+) on a daily basis to a raging
inferno (10) and isn't limited to a single sensation.

For others it may be a pain level of 2 that springs to a 5 or a 6 that becomes a seemingly
unstoppable 10. These flare-ups might last an hour, can last a week, and some have been
known to last much longer. I am blessed to feel moments of 4/6.

I've been through several flares that was either one very long flare or one rolling right into
another with minimal break in duration or intensity. It becomes hard to tell if it ever ceased
at all until it eases enough that I know I'm through it for the time being.

I've learned to help myself during these times. Duration, frequency and intensity is
something that I have to take control of. We all have to. We truly have to. The tools I use
during these times are called my "Flare-up Protocol". My flare up protocol includes the 3,
20's.

The 3, 20's are:

Exercise (ie, Yoga, stretching, walking, if able, light weights, activity, etc)

Modalities (ie, anything that can be placed on the body for pain relief, such as a tens, heat,
hands, etc)

Distraction (ie, Memory master system, games, meditation, relaxation, fun, etc.

These can also be considered coping strategies.

My favorite is laughing.

The 3, 20's mean 20 minutes of exercise, 20 minutes using modalities and 20 minutes of
distraction.

These should be done whether or not one is experiencing a flare, but especially during. And
up to 3 times a day.

While it's easier said than done, the worse thing to do for a flare-up is to do nothing at all.
Bringing us back to the use it or lose it theory which is quite accurate. Doing nothing can
cripple us just as much as the pain itself.

I imagine a few of you might be thinking "You've got to be kidding me?! You want me to
exercise when I'm hurting this bad? You must not understand" Oh but I do, I've said it and
thought it a hundred times over myself.

While some will not want to take this to heart, we have to take responsibility for our own
pain, everyone has to learn to and implement their own Flare-up protocols to get through
these extra overwhelming, overbearing, debilitating flares.

As people we expect our doctors to take our pain away and we become discouraged when
there aren't any answers to satisfy our questions. We become depressed and insecure, yet
We have to remember that RSD/CRPS is an incurable illness. Classified incurable because
there isn't a cure to it. There really isn't anything the doctors can do to fix it. If the injury is
correctable, it probably isn't RSD. Our health care professionals can help us with
medications and procedures, and that's it really... just help us along.

We're usually directed to pain management when our other doctors are at a loss. Pain
management is just that, management. Again, not a cure. An area of practice that helps us
manage our pain, not make it disappear. They are intended to help us live some sort of
fulfilling life when nothing else can be done. Pain management is usually a last resort and the rest is up to us.

We might not like it but we have to take primary responsibility for managing our own pain
because there isn't enough knowledge or medical and scientific certainties out there to do it
for us.

Flare ups are apart of having RSD/CRPS or a chronic pain condition. They'll never go away,
we have to learn to accept this. But, with practice, we can better learn to control them.

Do you have a Flare-up protocol? If so, would you share it with us? For those who do not,
it's our hope that through this thread the sharing of idea's and coping strategies become
helpful to one another.

Please feel free to offer your thoughts and comments on the above written as well.

©2009 Twinkle V./rsdcrpsfire

Feel free to link to: http://www.crpsadvisory.com/rsdcrps_flareups_and_flareup_protocol.html

2 Days Down and Up Again

2009-11-22T07:04:00.000-08:00

I've been down for 2 days. The price I pay for activity, even a few hours up and about in the home. Sometime yesterday the man brought me in 2 pillows that were suppose to be xmas gifts, we propped one between my legs. I was laying on my left side, we slid it in close to my crotch so that my right leg was elevated as well as part of my butt cheek. I've had butt damage since my original injury but when RSD spread to my butt after my last SCS surgery, I've had a new struggle to deal with. I often sleep sitting up on my left butt cheek. The family often comes in to lay me down, I rarely know I'm sleeping that way. Just another obstacle I'll defeat. I do worry a bit about my next SCS surgery. My battery needs to be replaced. Don't want to think about it too much because then I won't dwell. It's just one of those things.

I'm just glad that pillow helped me or I'd still be in bed now and I'm not. Instead I've been up since 5:45 a.m.

He gave me permission a couple of weeks ago to get my hair cut. (He likes long hair) and my hair is long and covering my scar on my lower back. But.. it's also unhealthy from the meds and the damage that comes from the illness itself, so am thinking a cut may help.

Going to have it long layered. Right now there are no layers other than upfront where bangs use to be and which are now near my shoulders, way past my chin.

I'm not allowed to have more than 2 inches taken off the back length though. I was thankful right away. And since he will be there with me, he can keep an eye on the stylist.

I'm not having it styled there and all that. Just cut. I've had bad experiences in the past with cuts. Tell them 2 inches and they take 6. Oh was he pissed!

I've applied for an advocacy position at MDJ. A seperate position from Leading. Don't have to be one to be the other. (at least I don't think). I didn't over do myself. On the application I said I would put in 5 hours a month. A month! I can do that.

I already do that. I already do all that the job entails.

We've been (okay not me) been chopping wood for days. A man gave us tons of wood, some of it isn't cured yet, maybe next year for those. But he's also letting us go back to get more as needed. And initially we got the van filled twice for two trips.

This is going to help us a lot this winter. Won't have to use the heater. We do have to be careful for burn days though. So on the days we can't burn.. we snuggle up.

Home schooling our son is going okay. There really isn't anything to it, but making sure each of his 6 subjects are completed each Wednesday when he meets with the teacher to turn in and get the following weeks work.

His PE includes chopping wood. lol

Trying to get up the energy to go xmas shopping today. Last years xmas was whoohooo all around, this year much much less, but it's all good.

Gonna have to use the wheels today, but am getting use to it, plus there are times when I don't have to at all anymore.. I can push myself, it's just that doing so knocks me off my ass for a few days after.
Some times have to make it worth it.

Off to do some promoting...

Wishing you all warm holidays to come,

Until next time..

Military Surprise and Updates

2009-11-12T08:41:00.000-08:00

It's been quite awhile since I've written. Our daughter is home from the Army. I was awoken to an early birthday surprise. We expected her home in December. 3 days before my birthday I was called out of our room with my eyes closed, I was led by the man, told to open my eyes and there before me was our daughter in her military wear, with a bouquet of balloons and holding a cake. I was so happy.

She came home with a certificate as an IT specialist. The Army is paying for 14 more months of schooling. GI bill, Health insurance for a time being, 2 more years of using the PX, she can continue to honor herself and the Army wearing her ACU's when appropriate, etc. We're really proud of her effort and achievements.

A few days before, on Monday, I was gifted another early present. A baby kitten. He's adorable and we bonded closely right away.

On my actual birthday, the 26th of October, I was in a terrible flare and rested the early part of the day. They made me a spaghetti dinner. Loved it!

I've been busy at MDJ, but we hired 1 co-leader approx. 2 months ago and 2 more approx. 2 weeks ago.

I've managed to pry myself away from our bedroom and am out in the living room much more that I had been the last several years. My laptop hasn't been in our bedroom since our daughters return home. Had already planned on making that change and did that same evening.

When I turn in for the night, I'm no longer near a computer. If I nap, I'm also not near it.

I've been playing Wii with the family and Guitar Band (I'm the singer) It's fun!

I'm still only taking 2 meds from the 7 I was on for many years. I went from 20mgs of Suboxone a day to my current 12. 8mgs in the morning and 4mgs in the evening. 1mg of Suboxone is the equivalent of 25mgs of Morphine. I used to take 30-45 mgs of Morphine a day. Suboxone would be as if I was taking 300 now and when I was taking 20 it would equal 500. eeps! I still get a lot of break-thru pain and some days I still can't budge so I turn to relaxation, breathing and meditation.

So that I didn't have to go back on Zanaflex/Tizanadine (24mgs of muscle relaxer, I was on for 5 years) I opted to try Calcium and Magnesium supplements instead this last Monday. It's for the Dystonia and myoclonic jerks and spasms. It's worse when I'm laying down or about to fall off to sleep, but it started back in my entire body which was previously eased by the relaxers.

I continue to use the tools and coping strategies learned in the FRP aka my Flare-up protocol.

Phase 2 is Monday evenings.

Beginning yesterday, We're home schooling our son. It's actually Independent Study (ISP)

We created his daily subject schedule of 6 courses last evening.

Am staying as busy as possible even through the crashes.

I know there's much more, but think that's it for updates... cannot recall much more going ons at the moment..

Hope you all have been well..

Until next time...

Holding My Head High/Myoclonus

2009-09-15T20:46:00.000-07:00

My head is held high as I move up and forward in life. I've been spending hours upon hours job searching. Compiling several possibilities, shortening my list to the even better ones, applying, etc.

I have a lot of experience, in a lot of areas, none expertise. The last 2 days I've been focusing more on work from home positions, but I really want to work outside the home a few hours a week. I've already hit brick walls and I knew I would. It's the working outside the home jobs I'm not yet having any luck with. So far, my legs are the problem in these. While I believe I could do it with a sit/stand station or reasonable accommodations I'm not what they are looking for.

I'm in one of those damned if I do damned if I don't situations even applying. The application process.

The law doesn't require me to reveal my disabilities, but if I'm not honest how does that work establishing honesty with a prospective employer from the get go? It doesn't.

I am extremely uncomfortable about this. I have to tell enough for a chance at accommodation that would better enable me to work or I'd be fired the first day as I would not be able to perform my duties.

Sitting is the less of my worries, but I cannot sit longer than an hour a straight either. I could push it to an hour and a half and would, but I'd be screwed in body doing so.

Standing in one place is for 5 minutes is just as bad as walking and pushing myself to 10 minutes, when I can go 7 minutes fairly well putting pain aside.

I'm trying hard each day to be able to wear shoes for a fair amount of time, but none of it would even equal a 4 hour work day. I had not worn shoes in nearly 9 years prior to my FRP. During desensitization therapy I started with sandals that covers the top of my feet and made it to about hour finally during the last 2 weeks of the program. I can could wear tennies for approx. 30 minutes. Since being home I've increased my sandals to 1.5 hours at a time, and a few times twice a day. Tennies close to an hour and longer if not walking.

I have 3 pair of sandals now. Yay! I love the look of all of them. They are totally me!

I have NOT been released to return to work, but I have been okay'd to search. My docs will approve or disapprove when an opportunity for hire has occurred.

This all seems complicated for me.

What if someone hires me? I still need it to be approved by the docs. I would feel disgraced to to have to tell the employer.. oops sorry Doc said nopers. I feel like they would think... then why did you even apply and waste our time? That would make me feel bad.

I have Myoclonia or Myoclonic seizures/jerks now. I fall into 4 of the 8 separate types of this. It's extremely scary when it's happening, but so far it only happens when I'm lying down or trying sleep. I can't imagine it happening when sitting up or out and about. As it is, it briefly causes my heart to stop, skip, and pound like in fear or sudden fright, and I have to remind myself to breathe again.

Doc did say my new med should help this in a few weeks. I do hope so because this happens at least a half dozen times a night.

So that there is no misunderstanding, these are not epileptic seizures of my brain. It involves my nerves and other factors. I was diagnosed with Dystonia a few years ago.

We got a new puppy that was delivered from Los Angeles last night. I'm raising him for our daughter until she comes home from the Army in December. He's 9 weeks old and she named him Sergeant. He's a feisty lil shit. Already commanding my attention and all. Am already potty training him and I'm feeding him by our daughters schedule for him.

He's already chewing on things.. like.. um me! And that's a no no. Will bite him back if he keeps it up. Am not kidding. ~smiles

Until next time..

As the weeks comes to an end

2009-09-03T23:31:00.000-07:00

What a very busy week it's been and in so many different ways. Dealing with people changing names thinking they can have a brand new start or be someone different. Others being mean to one another. Never thought people in pain could be so awful to their peers. Cat fights all week. I had to ban 1 person for the time being if not indefinitely, hired an assistant the week before that. I'm managing to get my own self situated and as soon as I do I'll start my driving lessons back up. I had to take a break during my med changes the last 2 weeks. I'll find out at my next appointment when I can move forward with this.

When I lay down to try and sleep at night I play my Kitty Cannon game on my Iphone. The original game is called Kitten Cannon and it's on addictinggames.com.

This is the lite version but it's still just as fun. I'm in the top 10 of the highest scores in all of CA. And for all of the United States.. 16th or about. It's my sleepy time sport. ~grins

I've become so un-trusting that those I really do trust I think will hurt me some how. I suppose because of those few that did in the past in the name of friendship.

Most people won't remain having anything to do with you if they aren't getting something bigger out of it. Ulterior motives and then some.

It reminds me of why I like to be alone. No one can hurt me and I can't hurt them.

Even in my work I keep a distance. I do what I need to do and bounce right back out of there. For one, I don't thrive on drama. I'm don't care to be sucked into the he said/she said stuff, yet I also worry that I'll get pulled in some how.

The Senior Leader is back from months of vacationing now. Yay! In a few days and after some rest, he should be taking over most of it again. Being lead Leader in charge all this time was exhausting.

I did my Yoga every time I felt stress coming on. It helped a lot! I don't take pills for anxiety, stress or fear anymore. I use my own resources that I was taught at the FRP.

I go to Pain Management every 2 weeks now instead of every month. Not sure when it will shift back to the normal schedule.

I'm off to play my game some more...

Until next time..

OMG! It's true!

2009-08-26T14:43:00.000-07:00

I am 4 days off Morphine. Last night was terrible. I couldn't hold anything down, I was freezing, I was hot, I kept ending up in the bathroom and I was as high as a kite.

I did my induction yesterday afternoon. I was given 2 halfs about 20 minutes apart in the office. When I got home I was to take another half. 4mgs every couple of hours until midnight and start the full 8mg tablet in the morning. They dissolve under the tongue. YUCK! It's been compared to being 100 times stronger than morphine and 10 times stronger than Fentanyl. (I really don't know about that).

It is though without a doubt the strongest med I have ever taken. I've been looped since yesterday at my induction. I imagine I'll stay this way until my body gets use to it. Could be weeks, months, or years just like any other med if a tolerance is built up. Don't like the feeling... I mean I went to pet the dog at the end of the bed and it wasn't the dog it was a pillow. ~blushes

BUT LEMME TELL YA... OMG! It's true! My pain is so much better. Already!

My pain level hasn't been higher than a 5 since I started it. And there have been times it's held at a 3. I go back to pain management on Monday, when I switch to full Suboxone pain relief is suppose to be even better.

and know what? Moments.. just moments....I didn't feel anything. Nothing!
It was like a reverse scared! I was scared because I didn't feel anything. Can you believe that? It didn't last long.. but it was there. I mean it wasn't there...

Because of those seconds.... those minutes.. I'm not even sure if it was real or not.

~inclines my head...
For a few broken up minutes..

I didn't hurt at all.

Until next time...

My Next Big Day- tommorow

2009-08-22T16:15:00.001-07:00

Tomorrow is my next big day. It's the last of the Morphine. The man picked up my meds and I'll be taking Catapres/Clonidine HCL and Ativan/Lorazapam to help me through the withdrawals. I've never taken either of them. On Tuesday I'll take my first 8mg of Subutex in the presence of my Pain Manager's. I'll take it twice a day and 1/2 tablet as needed. I have a weeks worth and will move from it to Suboxone the following week.

I hired a co-leader for my MDJ RSD group. This comes at the perfect time since I'm not sure how I'll be doing from tomorrow to Tuesday until I get home.

The man who I call the lead leader or senior leader has been vacationing for months now. I am glad he is.. we all have to live and have fun in life. Yet I've also been beyond busy. I'm looking forward to having an assistant. The girl who was chosen will be a wonderful asset to our team.

My driving isn't too good yet, but have been practicing.

I figure in the next couple of days if my bark or bite becomes too much..

Just yank my chain. lol

Until next time..

Suboxone

2009-08-20T16:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my monthly Pain Management appointment. I got my authorization to begin Suboxone. There is a process to it, though. Sunday morning I will stop taking Morphine and withdraw for almost 2 days. They are prescribing me 2 meds to help me with this. I'm not sure the names of these meds yet as I haven 't picked them up from the pharmacy. I do know they are both something I haven't taken before or I would have recalled the name. On Tuesday I will go back to pain management for the induction. I'll stay there 2 hours while they give it to me. I'm starting with Subutex for a week to make the transition to Suboxone easier. I'm happy to have this help because I've withdrawn before and it's really hard to handle.

He did promise me one thing. I'll leave there on Tuesday without any more withdrawals. It's only been studied in the last 3 years for pain. What they do know about it so far is that it blocks the pain receptors in the brain. I'm happy to be a clinical trial for this.

I have nothing to lose, but something to gain if it works. If I feel it doesn't help as much as Morphine, I get to go back on Morphine.

So I'll definitely be tracking my pain levels. I also look forward to letting others know how it works for me.

I know 3 other people who take it. 2 of them have CRPS, 1 doesn't but takes it for chronic pain. All have had remarkable results. I want to be one of them, too.

I'm hopeful but not getting my hopes up too high.

Until next time...

Ughhhh (I could scream!)

2009-08-13T23:48:00.000-07:00

Just when you think things are calming down for you even in the storm..

Even more thunder rocks your world.

My internal battery is dying. Which means another surgery. It might sound like I'm whining...

And you're right. I am.

It's only been 5 months since my revision and the second lead added. Now I'll have to have my back and butt cut open again.

The 2 month healing time is just something I don't want to do again. I really am tired of it. Yet I have no choice in the matter. Well I suppose there is one choice... but I wouldn't survive 3 months of it.

Will call my Medtronic Specialist to test my robo ass for sure. They have to plug me in and check me with their own equipment. I'm sure though I need a new one. it's just not holding a charge without being strapped up to run off the base unit. Our SMUD bill is going to be so high. Cuz now I'm running off the wall, the homes power. Not even sure how long that will last. Cuz once the internal is drained, nothing but a replacement will bring it back on.

Can I say.. fuck! now?

Until next time..

My previous post

2009-08-12T19:43:00.000-07:00

I deleted my previous post titled Venting because I certainly did vent and quite harshly. I said a lot of bad words. Was just a really bad pain day. I'm feeling tremendous pressure. My legs feel like they've been crushed by a vice grip. My knees and bones are screaming, my flesh is ice cold and I feel it as intense fire.

The weather won't stay the same and my body flares every time it's about to do a turnabout. I've elevated, had pillows between my legs, increased the stimulation on my SCS and now my battery is completely dead. I have to strap up and charge myself soon and am not even looking forward to the added tenderness it's going to cause just doing it. I doubled up on my morphine which I haven't done in a few months now and it's not even lowering the hell a single point.

I've been resting all day.

I have 2 more things to try... Motrin and a warm epson bath.

And just ride it out...

Until next time

Venting

2009-08-12T06:36:00.000-07:00

Deleted

Stem Cell Treatment for Dogs

2009-08-09T17:10:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I watched the News stunned. Dogs have been virtually cured by Stem Cell Research and usage.

Here's a link- http://www.webvet.com/main/article?id=1593

and another-

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2008-02-12-dog-arthritis_N.htm

If we can move forward and do this in humans, can you imagine the relief we would get?

I do doubt the push for humans will happen sooner than later. There's too much money to be lost in the supposed relief and treating pain. Once again we're in the midst of politics...

The controversy continues to exists over embryonic stem cell research and I myself was hesitant of this for a long time... but everything changes when faced with the incurable...

This doesn't include Embryonic Stem Cells... but own cells...

even if it did....

But honestly... Can you imagine?

Until next time...

Saturday's Outting

2009-08-09T14:24:00.000-07:00

Yesterday we went to the auction. Actually it's called the Folsom Flea Market. Our son starts Jr. High next week so he got to choose where he wanted to get some new clothes from. He got some really cool outfits there. Afterward we took him to the Arden Mall to the Van's store and bought him 2 pair of Van's and a skateboard. Funds are becoming extremely tight and so he had to decide how to spend the money allotted to him.

It was the first time I had used my wheel chair in 3 months. There was just no way I could accomplish all that walking otherwise. I did walk a lot though and only used the wheels as back up. i had hesitated even wanting to go because of it. I've hid away enough years because of that though and really can't do it anymore. It's more important to the man and family that I be with them.

They bought me a really cute pair of sandles (at the auction).. I use them for desensitization therapy because they cover the entire foot (ouch) but... yay, I am wearing something on them finally. Some days for a couple of hours. Some days not at all, still more than before.

I'm not too fond of clothing, especially pants. I don't like anything gripping my back and butt scars and my legs can barely endure fabric because of being so sensitive. That's something else I have to work on.

I've been too busy at MDJ. The other Leader has been traveling and we never appointed a 3rd. So I'm picking up all the slack. Am managing decently enough I suppose.

I'm not sure if I'm going to FRP P2 tomorrow. Will at least do a driving lesson.

Been playing Yahtzee on my Iphone here and there all day long for distraction..

So am off to play another game...

Until next time..

A bit of this and that

2009-08-05T06:10:00.000-07:00

In the last couple of days I've been so busy. I did get the left foot pedal installed on the van. They don't do classes there, so I either have to take a course or do what we opted for and that is the man will teach me over at the Jr. High parking lot. I signed a release so the business wouldn't be held liable in letting me leave without knowing how to drive with it. It's a nifty gadget. The base of it is bolted into the floor board and the other part snaps in and out. It just reverses the entire driving experience. Instead of using right foot for gas to break on an automatic, it's the left foot for gas and break. The actual gas pedal is blocked to a foot rest for the right foot instead.

Might go later this afternoon or evening for a driving lesson. Am still too chicken to try. But I have to soon, my PT went out on a limb for me and got this covered by my WC adjuster and so I won't let him down.

I also went to the FRP Monday evening and finished my painting. My PT helped me with it. I've never painted on canvas before. Now part of me will be framed and displayed at the FRC.

If I confuse any of you interchanging FRP with FRC, FRP is Functional Restoration Program and FRC is Functional Restoration Center.

I put in a full day at MDJ yesterday then watched Hells Kitchen and America's Got Talent with the family. Dang.. young Thia is amazing. but I like Breaksk8 too.

I'm still doing Yoga everyday, just not always 3 times a day, or twice. Okay, I do it one time, just one time... just once..

mostly.

I listen to music alot more again. I dance more often, granted it's with my upper body more than my lower at all, but it's still dancing, even when I'm on my ass. It's movement.

Oldest daughter is suppose to be moving out soon. My FRP psych said that was a good thing. (It is). but then tonight when I asked her again, she said she's not sure. Ugh

It wouldn't be so bad if the grandson hadn't colored up the walls, fed nachos to the fish, put a nickel in the nearly brand new washer (that is no longer working because of it) If it wasn't under warranty and the extended we purchased for when "anything" happens to it, we'd be out 800 bucks. Paid 1,600 for both washer and dryer approx 4 months ago. So we'll be having it fixed soon.

Oh and did I mention a nickel in the Wii too? Yep. Had just got it for xmas, this was oh 3 months after xmas. So it sat on the shelf for months. The man finally took it apart and Yay! Fixed it! Phew. He had just got me the Wii yoga and I had never used it.

Hm... yeah so the kid needs to pay better attention to her child. Because that's not the half of it.

Well sometimes parents have to kick 'em out of the nest and see if they can fly, but even with the stress doubt that'll happen but things will have to change. Big time.

Other daughter is still at Fort Gordon. She was never deployed because of the fracture. She did though graduate from AIT months ago. Not sure when she'll be home.

Son starts 7th grade next week. He just did a new track. His first major one. Usually he's a feat with Cash Boy Click. He was 7 or 8 when he did his very first feat. He does YouTube videos on a regular basis.

Was making hamburgers the other day when grandson turned around and said "Nana, I don't wan na crabby patty". lmao

I'm in good spirits. I do feel a crash coming. The FRP really gave me back my spirit. I can handle the crashes and flares better.

I mean.. I only cry 7-8 times a month now instead of once or twice a day. lol
I haven't broken anything in a long time. hahaha I did have that meltdown a month or so ago, but other than that am handling life as best as I can under the circumstances.

I had to charge my SCS earlier and haven't been to sleep yet. I can't wait until they come out with one that doesn't need to be charged every couple of days. They are coming out with one that will move with the body (the stimulation remains on and at the same level regardless of what position one moves in) Mine decreases in stimulation when I bend forward in a sitting position, yet gooses me at high power when on my back.... soooo yeah that will be a good thing. When I had my revision my medtronic specialist said in the next 2 years.

I have to have my battery replaced next year (cut yet again), I wish the change would have been sooner so that it could all be done at once, but noooooooooo.

Am gonna watch some American Justice before my inbox fills up with the days group posts..

Until next time..

Left Foot Accelerator Pedal

2009-08-02T16:58:00.001-07:00

I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m to have the Left Foot Accelerator Pedal installed. After installation, I'll learn how to use it, drive. Am really very nervous.

I still won't be able to drive on the freeway, but we have lots of mini malls around here, so everything I would want or need to get to is within a few blocks. Once I go back to work, or start driving to Monday's FRP, I'll learn the back streets to get there. Actually it's the same way he takes me now.

Every time I think of driving I have a panic attack. And I'm not taking anxiety meds anymore, so it's not a quick relief, I have to work hard getting myself out of those moments of fear. I did learn how to help myself naturally at the FRC.

During bio feedback, when they forced me to stress.. (actually forced me by showing me words of colors, but I had to say the color, not the word. For example.. The word blue would flash across the screen, but it was really yellow in actual color) Ugh...

Anyway.. I don't recover easily. So when I panic, I'm not allowed to close my eyes...

Instead, I'm suppose to find a visual focal point and bring myself out of the panic... It really does help.

So if I looked at a picture, I start talking out loud about the picture I'm looking at.. describing it.

I'm proud of myself that I can help myself without all the meds I was on. I am still taking 2, just not the 7 I was on 2+ months ago.

Honestly if someone dropped me off across town (where I would be driving myself home)

I would not be able to get home. I have to re learn my own home town. I'm not at all familiar with the area of town where we bought our home. Even as a passenger, I don't recall it.

So I've got lots to learn.

Until next time

2 weeks since graduating

2009-07-30T18:43:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow will be 2 weeks since I graduated from the FRP (FRC). I can't say I've kept up on everything, but I have done more than before program. It's the same in some regards. A decent day comes along where pain is a 6 and I think... I can handle this.. I can go forward and make even more of myself and then those hard 8's come and my self-talk goes down hill.

I did get my authorization for the Left Foot Accelerator and need to make an appointment so that it can be installed on the van and I can be taught how to use it.

My 3 month post program goal was to drive myself to Monday evening Phase 2 classes.

We went to the drive-in movies Tuesday night. Saw Orphan and the Hangover. Okay movies. Was nice to get out.

Have some reading to review

Until next time...

New Pics

2009-07-25T19:19:00.001-07:00

Added 2 brand new pics to my side bar...

~points to the right..

Over there...lol

Busy Tuesday

2009-07-21T17:01:00.000-07:00

Been spending a lot of time cleaning up my inbox that's been out of control for the last 8 weeks. Spent hours in the Group today. Catching up there also. We're looking for another Leader so that should be done by this evening. 3 in mind.

Am allowed to trade the treadmill off tonight and go to the store with him instead. That will get my walking time in and at least I'll actually be doing something.

The photo I posted is probably the only one people will see of me full length. That's one of those rare occasions. I have more, more people in the photos, but am not sure yet if I'll post.

Maybe I'll post one where I'm behind everyone else. lol

Still waiting on the authorization for the Left Foot Accelerator and the switch from Morphine to Suboxone.

I'm still taking minimal meds and it's hard. I've had to take Neurontin again. It's the only thing that actually eases down the burning nerves. I do only take it when absolutely necessary.

I still have an article to write regarding the program. So much information. Both what was taught and what I actually learned and experienced.

My outline already has at least 2 dozen points to touch on.

It's been a productive day for the most part.

Until next time...

CFRP Graduation July 17, 2009

2009-07-18T14:02:00.000-07:00

Not the actual Group Photo, it does include those who graduated on this day. (The 4 girls up front)

Until next time,

3 Weekdays Post

2009-07-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

Am 3 days post program. Not including the weekend. This sucks. And not in a yummy way either.

Yesterday I went grocery shopping, I came home rested and then made dinner. Tonight I began making steak chicana to take for Fridays graduation. It takes a long time to make this. First is the meat in the crockpot over night and then tomorrow all the rest is added.

Anyway.. I'm doing things like this, but it still doesn't seem like it's enough. Maybe it will never seem like it's enough, but I have to learn to be happy for what it is.

So far... that's not happening.

I already feel myself slipping. I try to keep my self-talk positive. I do make 3 daily goals. But...

Ugh...

I am accomplishing them so far. hahahah... Doubt that will last long. (not good self-talk)

I start on Monday's starting um... next Monday.

I guess my nerves are up there right now and I'm torn between caring too much and not giving a shit.

Not nice really.

I've never been a quitter and everyone keeps saying... you aren't a quitter, you fight and fight.... yeah... I do, I have...

but for fuck sake... how long am I suppose to keep it up.

It's really only "acting".

The better and better I get at that means no one will ever know otherwise, unless I tell them. And probably not even then if I'm good at it.

I'm probably not making much sense right now and that's okay....

Mostly.

I danced my ass off the other night....

And that pain was so worth it.

Until next time...

FRP ended the 10th (the 17th is graduation)

2009-07-12T22:00:00.000-07:00

Friday was my last day at the FRC. I was suppose to graduate that day but on Thursday it was postponed until next Friday. I don't go all this week, just Friday. I do have a doc appointment tomorrow and I'll wean back off Morphine (for the umteenth time) and onto Suboxone. In my research I have learned some people are getting 50+ up to 90 percent of relief on some days from pain associated with nerve damage. Am seriously praying hard for the same.

I need to work on routine. Tomorrow will be my first day of it. For sure each morning that I wake up I'll set 3 goals and do my yoga. By weeks end he should have a daily routine scheduled for me and while this will work best for me, no one is suppose to be setting it for me other than me. ( according to non lifestyle oriented guidelines lol )

It's been a hard 6 weeks. The program exceeded my expectations in many ways. I exceeded my own expectations. I would encourage anyone with chronic pain, incurable diseases and disabilities to look into it or one similar. I increased my range of motion in all directions, my walking and standing times. Individual feet standing time. Everything.

Starting next week, I will continue to go on Monday's for.... hm, mostly indefinitely. Instead of a full day, it will only be from 4 p.m to 5:30 p.m.

I'm still waiting on an authorization for a "Left Foot Accelerator". Am not sure if I mentioned that or not yet. But it would give me back the ability to drive at least nearby.

I really want a job outside the home.

I can finally wear sandals for about a total time of 2 hours a day and sneakers with socks for an hour. I don't think work will let me go barefoot as I have been. Even at program I was barefoot 'cept during desensitization therapy and using the rest room.

Don't have too much more to say right now...

Until next time

Independence Day Weekend

2009-07-05T16:26:00.000-07:00

We had such a great day yesterday. I prepped, cut, and seasoned all the meat for the grill. Buttered, seasoned the corn on the cob, wrapped it all in tin foil, etc etc. The man BBQ'd (I flipped some too lol)

A few kids that our own kids grew up with came over. Have known them since they were young teens and they're all in their early to mid 20's now. They're like family.

It was a great time. The babies played in the little pool. I was going to, but didn't.

Later we did fireworks at the edge of our drive-way and in the street. The 22 years prior we lived in a County that outlawed them. Here they aren't.

Was just a really good day. A full day. I paced myself as best I could. And it all turned out well.

Only a week or so left of my program. Either graduate on Friday or the following week.

3 of us graduated last Friday. I'm next.

Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th.

Until next time...

Pacing and Replacing

2009-06-29T19:40:00.000-07:00

Having learned these last several weeks to pace in all things it's come as a major relief that there will be something to fall back on.

Today though I was placed back on Morphine twice a day. In 2 weeks I start a treatment program using a med similar to Methadone, but called Suboxone. And actually the first of it's kind since Methadone in the last 30 years. It's also been used to treat pain. Still in clinical trials for that, so I'll be a test subject of sorts and I think that's okay with me. I say "I think" because I felt like a failure in many ways even though I've succeeded. I still started out with 7 types of medications a day, equaling more than 15 a day by intake and am only on 2 and when I quit the Morphine again it will just be replaced with the new. So just 3 intakes of pills a day.

I have to remember I have come far in such a short time. I have 8 days left until graduation. Weekends don't count.

I have to work on my "Self Talk". I'll discuss that at another time for those unsure of what it means.

Gosh, there's so much I've learned I haven't talked about yet. I know I've said I would and I will when I have more time. Might be a month from now when all that gets started.

In the meantime..

I truly wish each of you most well

Always breathe easy...

Until next time..

Cutting

2009-06-28T09:47:00.001-07:00

In my previous post I mentioned cutting. While some may wonder why I added that at all.. it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. lol

Okay but seriously...

It was not for pity or attention... it was because people do do this. I've done it. Some can say those of us who have are crazy... (I am crazy lol). We aren't that crazy after all.

It is a release of sorts. For me pain diverts pain, a distraction. When you are barely holding on and you can't get rid of physical or emotion pain... it's a reaction.

That's all.

All in one sweep of my nails from my right fingers... I did it to my left arm. There wasn't any warning... it simply occurred. I had already done it to my upper wrist 2 days prior. I wear a scruncie on my wrist, so no one could see at program.

This has nothing to do with attempted suicide or suicidal ideations...

It's like a swimming pool full of water... and pulling the plug to let it out...

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Until next time...

This Past Week In Review (ending 6/26)

2009-06-27T20:56:00.000-07:00

1. I said much more than I would have under previous circumstances. It's not the past anymore, I'll never be what I once was, but I am now what destiny led me toward.

2. Our sons graduation from the 6th grade was very awesome. I walked on my own 2 feet. While in the past I would dwell on what I couldn't do, I now smile at what I can do. I've now come to realize that 7 minutes can really get me real far.

3. I graduate from my FRP approx. July 17th. I have a couple of make up days.

4. I'm listening to music a lot more again. For years that's what I would do if on the comp or cleaning, etc. For over 2 years, I've barely listened at all. Pain even made music go away.

It's back!

5. I did more than crash and burn the other night, I got drunk while withdrawing and cut myself across my entire left arm from shoulder down, upper wrist, it's like what's stuck inside in one place, I let out another. .... well, what's done is done.

6. I didn't get 5150'd, 'tis a good thing too, I might have resisted arrest. Phew!

7. I've lost a lot of weight.

8. It feels so good to be bad and so bad to be good.

9. Everyday is a learning experience.

10. No regrets.

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Until next time...

Angels

2009-06-27T19:10:00.001-07:00

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Until next time..

It's Just A Ride

2009-06-25T20:59:00.001-07:00

----

Until next time...

Hallelujah

2009-06-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

----

Until next time...

Letting Go Feels So Good

2009-06-24T10:10:00.001-07:00

Part of my therapy is letting go of all things that cause stress, tensing, struggles, worries, hurt, etc etc.

I made a post to the GP forum on CM that was not so nice. I will accept the consequences of my actions, but I cannot regret them fully. When regret starts to take over I have to remind myself there is no regret.

I feel soooooo free now.

I got rid of a part of my life that caused hurt to linger inside me. I don't feel that anymore. New emotions are trying to make their way inside me because of my actions, but I'll keep shoving them back.

No it's not my nature to do or say what I did. It's my nature to let people walk on me, use me, be there for everyone else but myself. I am being taught, molded and re programmed in a very different way.

Right now I'm a slave to a team of doctors in a way, they set my entire day for me, every last minute of it is scheduled by them. My routine is what others require of me.

Yesterday wasn't easy to say the least... and in so many ways was detrimental...

But I accomplished something regardless the outcome...

My plate isn't spilling over anymore.

Until next time...

Discussing Pain Can Cause Pain

2009-06-21T14:05:00.000-07:00

Greetings everyone
(Cross posted from MDJ June 21, 2009)

As you know I've been quite busy with the Functional Restoration program which I've been attending since May 26th. I will graduate around the 15 of July.

When my doctors told me to let everything go that had to do with RSD/CRPS, I didn't understand. I even struggled with it. I didn't understand why they would tell someone who's put years into advocating, promoting, advertising, supporting RSD related circumstances and their heart to just.... back off.

I'm finally understanding why.

When we speak of pain, share our stories, discuss WC, all the pain it's caused us physically and mentally, the turmoil, the stress, how there is no cure for us, we are reliving the injury and pain that brought us to a suffering point of existence over and over again.

After deep deep thought, I can now understand what they mean and for our own sakes.

While I always believed that opening up (when I was finally able to do it) was a road to acceptance, I never believed in any way that by doing so could be detrimental to me.

Because I've started too much that I can't go back on, I won't be leaving what I did behind. (what I did was bring many of us together, offer knowledge and insight, and more, just like most of us do) We're on this road to make a change, provide awareness and really try to do something about it.

Instead I have to find balance to do as my doctors instructed me AND finish what I started.

Now I ask each of you.. (Please think about this carefully)

Does it help you to speak of your prior lives, your existing pain, all the hell this has cast down upon you...

Or when you really think about it...

Does it tense you to do so? If it tenses you, it's adding to physical pain, if it's causing you to think back, it's adding to your emotional pain. This will always keep us in a painful cycle.

Just because I've finally come to believe this to be true, at least mostly true, doesn't at all mean any of you do. Instead, I would just like to know your feelings about it.

There is no right or wrong answer.

Thank you in advance for sharing...

( My name has been omitted because it just doesn't matter)

Still Holding On

2009-06-16T21:03:00.000-07:00

Life is too short. You wake up one morning and think back to all you've let go. Gave up on. And you realize there's much more waiting for you.

I'm going out this weekend. Back to my people, where I'm known and recognized. A little bar in West Sac. I used to work there under previous ownership. It's like a real life Cheers, even though there's an actual bar called Cheers just down the street.

Everyone knows me........

I've hid for years... Isolated...

It's time to be...........

The new me... a mixture of the old me...

And just fucking live... You know?

Who gives a shit if it's over, almost over... whatever...

It's that moment that counts...

I have no worries that it won't count... It's going to.

I can't be sorry like took the road that it did.. I have to embrace every moment of the differences and learn to accept them, gracefully.

I just gotta let people love me.. instead of hiding when they tell me they do.

Grab onto today and not let go... let tomorrow take its own course and let the future be what destiny has already conquered.

No I don't always like to accept that, but I have to.

If someone thinks I'm stuck up or into myself, it's not true, truth lies in what it is and has always been...

It's easier to pick someone else up than implement the changes and growth of self.

I'm understanding self-dialogue better and better..
the words of a fellow pain patient rather than self theory or self talk..

Be happy for what you've been gifted..

Do you believe in angels?

Until next time...

It is what it is

2009-06-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

Just like it sounds. Another term I'm accepting more and more each day that I've had nearly beaten into me at my program is.. "It is what it is". So very true.

Yay! It's the weekend! It's going to go by quickly, I know. Last night was hard as hell. I got through it by meditating. I fell asleep sitting up several times and each time I laid back down, my P&E sky rocketed. I didn't wake up on time this morning, but was up by 10:00 a.m.

Coming off Morphine is so yucky. It's not like it was last year when I was hospitalized for major withdrawals, that was a cold turkey withdrawal because I couldn't hold anything down from the flu. This is easier, just not easy enough.

I've missed the bathroom a couple of times, so have a bucket near me. The body doesn't know if it's going to um puke or potty, so one gets both feelings at the same time. Not fun!

I have some good news on another subject but will share it another time.

I think I mentioned previously that I'm losing weight. I know a few of my meds contributed to this and since I'm not taking them, it's just falling off. I'm not fit by far, but pounds themselves are just disappearing. I'm working to tone myself with the loss.

Everytime I pull my tanktop up, I get excited. The panties I hate wearing are so loose. And while this may not be very tactful of me, I just slide my hands down my shorts right in front of everyone to pull them up. Program, family, it doesn't matter. lol

I'm handling this all quite well considering most of it. Many would not dare give up their meds. I did. Nope I cannot say it will be forever. Besides I shouldn't worry about tomorrow right? Right! But I do anticipate it. It's just part of who I still am. No different really than anticipating my owners thoughts so that I could know what he wanted or wants before being told. Still there are some differences I suppose.

I had my re eval yesterday and I met my goals. Infact, I exceeded them.

(puts the bucket aside again, ugh)

It would be so easy to pop a pill or 3 and make the withdrawals stop, but I won't. I think the tummy cramps are the worse. The headache has past for now. I have though been using Tylenol and Aleve.

It's a good day overall. I can take my night time Morphine in a few hours. On Monday that may be cut as well and then I'll be off everything 'cept 120 mgs a day of Cymbalta.

I just don't want to experience the continued withdrawals. I admit I'm scared to feel more.

Oh yeah... my sex drive is increasing. Yep it was screwed up because of all them meds also. Sometimes it just wasn't there. Not that it mattered much to me, I still serve the man at his will.
But now.... ? After a nearly 9 year decrease in sexual appetite. I just might poop him out. It's all been building up ya know and and.... um...

Yeah.. hehe

I was about to get graphic, I'll be good....

For now

Until next time...

It's Been Hard but Worth It

2009-06-11T15:04:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been really hard. I already gave up most of my meds prior to this. Actually 2 weeks now. I've already gone down 15mgs of a total of 45mgs of morphine a day. Yesterday was my first day to cut down another 15mgs, my day time dose. I had a really hard time. Yesterday was hell. Pain on top of pain on top of withdrawals. I was allowed to take the evening 15mgs. It didn't help. I didn't go in today. My body is freaking out, every bone and muscle is screaming. I have to go in tomorrow as it's my evaluation for the next 3 weeks. I was only authorized for 3 of the 6 weeks to begin with.

I've learned a lot. I'll still do my yoga tonight. I had a hard time pulling myself out of bed at all. But I had to. I'm in the living room now. Being out here is a big thing even though it might not seem so. I've been isolated so long pre program. When I hurt, I tend to hide. That's what I know.

I felt myself coming up there for awhile, staying on routine, doing my home work, working on my factors, goals, etc etc... but today? Blah.

It's one of those days I find myself asking "How?". How am I going to do this long term, how am I really going to live life, how am I going to be able to get my ass up on those days like today and go to work, or go out, to the store, anything that needs to be done. I can handle the disability, I can handle there is no cure, I can handle all that crap I was in denial for so long, I can't handle pain!

The fire, ice, throbbing, dull, get the fuck outta my head pain that just goes on and on and on, never stops and my back up, my meds... I told them I was strong enough to stop them. I was...

just not now. lol

I go to bed on time, generally I wake up on time now (not like today) but even on weekends, I try to breathe right, I've learned to, but I have to be conscious of doing so, or I hold my breath which tenses my body then causes even more pain. I have to constantly tell myself to breathe. Even during sex. lol

I've learned that if I can do all this without meds for 7 years and take really good care of myself my body will generate good cells, which right now are so broken. It's probably not likely, but it gives some hope. I think. lol

I don't drink coffee after 5 p.m on weekdays anymore. While I never thought it interfered with my sleep, it probably does. I really am doing a lot to change things.

I'm on 25 words in the memory mastery system. That isn't easy for me. Once upon a time, I could have learned all of them fairly quickly.

Everyday we are conditioned to keep in mind, we will never be who we used to be, we have to accept who we've become.

Um... that's not easy. I don't like it. But I'm starting to come around.

Mostly.

I've dropped about a pant size in clothing since starting this program. Maybe more, am not sure, I wear loose bottoms because of the sensitivity of my scars and skin.

Oh, I wore socks for 10 minutes yesterday, I'm working on being able to wear shoes again. My baseline was 5 minutes and I made it to 10. I've started the balance board and do that for 1 minute, 3x a day. I ride the bike for 10-15 minutes depending on resistance. I do scrubbing for 45 seconds twice a day. I don't like that. Ugh. But I do it. And of course biofeedback is after each. I'm not sure if my atrophy in my right calf is getting better. Maybe I can find that out tomorrow. It's been holding at 2.5 cm for years now. Well, 2.0 then 2.5. but has never returned to normal since 2001.

Okay, so I think I've babbled enough for now... Bones is on, I like that show.

I'm about to do a new yoga position, the Egyptian stand. Try that for 2 minutes. I can only do it for 30 seconds right now, but will increase time as I go. The 3 fundamentals of Yoga... BET. Breathe, Effort and Time. ~grins

Until next time...

2nd Week of the FRP completed

2009-06-05T19:21:00.000-07:00

Cross posted from MDJ.

Evening everyone

The last two weeks have been so hard. I began the Functional Restoration Program last Tuesday as Monday was a holiday. While I was so interested and hopeful of the program on Tuesday, I was late Wednesday because I thought I couldn't handle it. My legs were hurting, my feet were on fire, it was too much. I wasn't going to go in, but I did. Everyday I do PT, everyday I do Yoga, everyday I do relaxation, several times a day I do biofeedback, everyday I set goals and so much more.

My mobility has gone from nearly nothing to weight bearing on a regular basis. It's not often, but I'm pacing myself and working harder to reach each physical goal that I set. My range of motion (RoM) has improved already. My pain level seemed to be a constant 8+ and emotional level was just as high. Today was the first day I had Physical and Emotional (P&E) level of 6/5.

During my Physical Therapy I walk, I do Mirror Therapy, I do ankle pumps, I ride a bike. I've challenged myself to stairs, I play catch with another CRPS patient to increase movements. IT HURTS. All of it! I have quit 3 entire pain medications and Lidoderme in addition to decreasing morphine 15mgs a day. I went from 7 meds to 2.

Trust me, it isn't easy. We spend a lot of time with the psychological aspects of chronic pain. We are taught about sleep, it's importance, how to sleep if one cannot. I rarely sleep. I have extreme difficulty tackling pain and racing thoughts.

It may take me some time, but I will be passing all that I learn on to you.

I have missed each of you,

Warmest wishes

Until next time...

The Most Important Thing I learned This Week

2009-05-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

I have learned quite a bit already in my first 4 days of my rehabilitation program. The most important thing I learned is that my life has been greatly affected by chronic pain. Everything reminded me of pain, in a great sense, I had given up.

Going to the store caused pain, so I stopped going. Being out with my family at all caused pain, so I stopped going anywhere. Walking hurt too bad, so I mostly stopped walking, going to the bathroom would hurt, so I started to hold it as long as I could. Sitting at the computer hurt, so I laid down often. Everything hurt! That's how my life got to this point. I lost any sense of routine, schedules and goals were not always completed on time. If my owner told me to pay the bills they were paid on time. If my son needed help with home work, I helped him, if my daughter needed help, I helped. I only went on for others. Not myself. I put nearly everything that had to do with me, off. I became secluded.

Because my Sympathetic nervous system is damaged, my fight or flight is locked down. It's frozen. A freeze frame. The mis fire of pain recognition signals in my brain, only feels pain. I always feel pain. People with my same illness do also. All of us to a similar extent.

There's nothing I can do to stop it, but I'm learning to get through it and go on.

I have to have a routine. I have to wake at a certain time. Do my Yoga, relaxation and breathing. I have to make daily goals and achieve them.

I cannot tell myself I will try to do this or I will try to accomplish that. I have to tell myself "I will". Saying that "I will try" leaves me open for choice, options and allows me to set myself up for failure or not doing as planned. Telling myself I will leaves no option but to do it. My psyche is being reprogrammed, reconditioned.

I have written my own mantra for meditating.

I was late to program on Wednesday. My pain was so overwhelming the evening of my first day that I was already giving up. I was already telling myself "I can't". I was in tears. I was sobbing when one of the doctors called to ask why I wasn't there. I had no option but to get my ass up and go. Everything was ready. My clothes, my lunch, my homework, but I was hurting and that made me not want to. Just like not wanting to go to the store or anything else. It reminded me of pain.

I am to be there by 8:30 a.m. My doc called at 10:00 a.m. My owner got me there by 10:45 a.m or about. I was to start walking that day as part of my therapy. I suppose that was in the back of my mind and again I knew it would hurt me, so I tried to avoid it as not to hurt more.

I am about 10 days off of 3 medications. Right now it's painful withdrawal symptoms on top of CRPS pain as well as movement I'm not at all use to.

It's hard to be somewhere when you haven't slept also. I hadn't slept Tuesday night. I finally did Wednesday night and Thursday I got 4 hours out of an attempted 9. Last night I told myself I would be up at 7:00 a.m which is the latest I can be up during the week in order to be on time. Since I have to put a schedule to my life, I kept it the same. I got up at 8 a.m. It was so hard. It seems silly in a way maybe that it would be so hard for me, but...
it was and while I missed by goal by an hour, I did make great progress considering my pre program ways.

While I will always physically "feel" pain, it doesn't mean I cannot be happy. It doesn't mean that my future should be a waste, or that my present is too hard to live through. I may think it all is, but it's not.

Being submissive doesn't help me here, being owned hardly matters, him pushing me isn't going to do it. Him being more strict won't make it happen. He can't save me! He can't stop the pain. I HAVE CHANGE ME! I HAVE TO WANT A PRODUCTIVE FUTURE! I HAVE TO WANT TO SERVE BETTER!

This program is showing me how. God knows I've teeter tottered on the edge of bye bye too many times because I don't know how to get through it and move forward. So many times I thought I was. By all the good things I've still accomplished through it all. I wasn't really living, I've been surviving day to day, that's all.

Am making dinner tomorrow. Spaghetti, salad and french bread (no bread for me though).

Today I will be practicing breathing. I have to learn to slow my breathing down. I forgot the name of the machine, but they put a strap around my belly to measure my breaths onto a screen. Biofeedback. I'm always in a hyperventalative state. Jeez. Had no idea. I breathe way too fast. This is something I can change. It will take time, but it CAN be fixed.

I have to listen to a relaxation cd today as well, and do some homework. I have to work on my "Factors". I'll explain more about Factors another time. I had to memorize 10 images in the Memory Master System (MMS) already, now I have to memorize them backwards. This is a pain diversion therapy.

I'm not yet in the "Zone" (remaining in my happy place inside my mind) with a score of 80 or above on my Freeze Frame biofeedback. I can only move forward once I've done so twice. My highest score has been 72 and my lowest 59 I think.

4 more people start the program on Monday.

And I'll be introduced to more PT and calming techniques.

Until next time..

2nd day completed at CFRP

2009-05-27T21:39:00.000-07:00

It's been a tiring last 2 days. I'm still learning what's expected of me in the program. I'm making goals, changing patterns, adding routine, doing Yoga 3 times a day, doing relaxation for 30 minutes a day, memory mastering, bio feedback and so much more.

Today I did my first bio feedback session. I'm not in the "Zone" yet, but once I am and can retain it, I can move on to the next level. This measures ones heart rate as a person begins to meditate in a sense, beginning with breathing, calming and going to "a happy place" in ones mind and staying there. I'll be able to give more information later once I learn more.

I also did mirror therapy. Some may have heard of mirror box therapy where you trick a damaged limb into thinking it's really there and normal. IT REALLY WORKS. Will talk more about this another time also. Tomorrow is only my 3rd day.

I don't have extra time in the morning and the evening is for my family and to achieve goals. When I set these goals they have to be completed and discussed by the next day.

I have already cut down on 3 total meds. I started on my own a few days ago and told my doctor when I met with him today. I have completely stopped Zanaflex/Tizanadine, Klonopin/Clonazapam and Neurontin.

When I jump into something I tend to jump head first. If I can keep off them is yet to be seen. I'm feeling some withdrawals, but handling it.

Tomorrow I start walking (ugh) and being tortured (bigger UGH)

I'm quite sore already, I think the sitting has been worse than the standing as of yet, but butt hurts bad. My SCS decreases with activity, or increases with opposite activity, so that's tough because it's not continuous stimulation through my legs.

My work book is thick and other than assignments is full of valuable information. I'll be cutting down on caffeine (ouch) and not having any after 5 p.m. I'm limiting myself to 3 cups a day at this time until I can get by with only one cup in the morning to wake up with.

I'll also discuss in further detail later about the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight).

I may repeat myself here at times, my short term memory is probably not repairable from the high doses of Neurontin, the time I've been on it and pain itself, but who knows, maybe.

I did learn 5 new words today forward and backwards. I'll explain more about this later also. If I get some time this weekend, maybe I'll try then.

After I've completed this program I'll write an entire essay/article/complilation of all of it in hopes that I can teach others or atleast a beneficial read. I will eventually wean away from doing many RSD/CRPS related things that I do now. While it may seem strange, my doctors want me to and I didn't understand why at first because I've been complimented by them all and they give my site out at program etc.

It has nothing to do with having not done well.

More along the lines of having done too well.

I have succeeded and accomplished something really great.. It's time to move forward.

Until next time...

Tenative Schedule, Thoughts and Things

2009-05-24T03:15:00.000-07:00

I start my program in 2 more days and have come up with a tenative schedule to begin with. I'll set the alarm for 6:45 a.m. We would have to be out of the house by 7:50 a.m since I have to be there by 8:30 a.m. I'll have my clothes laid out the night before and either take a bath the night before or a shower first thing in the morning. I'm not sure yet. I should figure it out by trying both during the first week. I know that I will have to keep morning activity and moving about to a minimum since I'll need my energy/legs at the program. I get out at 4:00 p.m, so should be home by 5:00 p.m. Compass is right next to my pain management center and from that office there's a huge window attaching both centers. Anyone in the clinic are able to see into Compass. I'll have my lunch ready the night before, too. Everything ready so that each day starts with little to do before heading out.

I'll have coffee for breakfast, I don't eat in the morning. i may try to get into the habit of doing so, though. Even if it's a bowl of cheerios or an apple or something small. Maybe some toast.

Even though there are places to go for lunch around the center, I would never make walking it, so will be having lunch at the program each day.

In the evening when I get home, I'll spend it with the family out in the living room, make dinner, have dinner with family (this may not begin until the second week) and return to our bedroom around 7:00 p.m. to try to wind down and sleep.

Unfortunately it takes my body longer to rejuvenate, so I need more sleep, when I'm able to sleep that is.

I've already cut my meds down on my own to prepare me for the first week. I've been withdrawing some. Feeling a bit out of it, but it's nothing like when I went through severe withdrawals from Morphine months back. One medication I know won't be cut at all is the Morphine. I'll remain on that. Tizanadine, Neurontin and Klonopin is what's been cut. This should help my mind and my memory, already my pain has increased as a result.

It's one of those things that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

When I come to our room at night, I'll check the pain group and respond as needed. I've already spoken to the owner and the senior leader about my absense the next 6 weeks. I'm fine and my position is solid at this time.

I'll be keeping a diary of my participation in the program because even though I'll be there, doing all that is required, I still may forget details, so this will help me remember.

I don't know what the heck to do with my hair. It's become so long that after washing and conditioning it, it takes me 20 minutes to comb out. This is going to drive me coo coo. I may have it fully braided, not necessarily beaded, but that way, it's ready to go for atleast a week at a time. Otherwise will pull it to the left side and twist it (similar to a braid, but 2 parts instead of 3). Since my bangs have grown past my chin I've been twisting or braiding them often to keep them out of my eyes.

I'm not sure as of yet if I will check my email or anything else when on lunch break. My phone has full internet capability and I've never used that feature. I've used yahoo messenger, windows live and aim on it, but have never used it to log into any site. He pays $30 a month for me to have that feature and I don't use it. I do use the email feature though. One email address, a tmoble one, I've never even given out, so it just remains idle. Atleast it's clean from junk.

The man already got his fathers day gift early. A G1. That phone is awesome! I've never been interested in newer or fancier phones, but that one? I can't wait to get it as a hand me down. Right now I have a SideKick which he bought off our daughter for me for $60 when she paid $300. I don't even know how to use most of what's on it. It's good for sexting though. hehe, um, I mean texting. Have never even used the camera on it when on my old phone I often did. Have had it since Christmas time when bubbles came home on leave from the Army.

I'm really going to need the man to keep me doing what I learn in the program after it's completed. It's different when you have a team of doctors/people pushing you, leading you, supporting you and then coming home and possibly dropping all that was learned. Have to incorporate the lessons into everyday life.... forever. Or it won't do much good for the future.

Have been thinking about life after the 6 weeks alot. I'm going to be re conditioned by people, men, other than my own Master. This bothers me.

I'm going to have to learn to trust others that aren't him. Other men touching me, and yet another getting into my mind.
~rubs her temples

Just don't know about that. I'm not confortable spending all but maybe 2 hours a day with people other than my family.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite shy. I'm playful and outgoing, but I'm not used to being touched by others.

When I went through my meetings to be considered a candidate, I was asked questions by the psychologist I didn't care for. I answered honestly, but I don't want it brought up again. It has nothing to do with this. If it is brought up again, I'm not sure how I'm going to respond, I do know it would begin with a stutter.

My collar in all the 5 years I've gone to the pain clinic has never been acknowledged or questioned openly. My slave bells have. For the first 4 years I went there, i wore bells, then I took them off for a surgery, we moved, and I didn't put them back on because I had 2 other surgeries following quickly after. I have them again. I was honest, I told them what they were.

I do vaguely remember one surgery in which when I was placed under anesthesia I started babbling. lol. ~blushes. Oh yeah, I babbled about that. Ya'll know what that is, dontcha?
Slavery.

It's never been brought up since.

Well I think I've babbled enough...

Until next time...

"If God brings you to it... He will bring you through it"

CFRP Start Date- May 26

2009-05-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

The first 3 weeks of my 6 week functional restoration program has been authorized. I start next Tuesday, May 26th. My sister's bday is that day, too. We were both born on the 26th. Different months, though. 26 happens to be a number that comes up constantly in my life. Most of us consider our birthdays our lucky number, the number has been both good and not good for me, but one that always appears in most everything I do or am apart of. 2 of my surgeries were on the 26th, I was injured on the 26th, I've had court dates with the same number, just many significant days have been the same.

I am nervous as hell. My Master was contacted to do a first application submission process to work for PG&E. They contacted him based on experience and credibility, which is a really great thing, just don't know how many others have been contacted, too.

My Compass worker did tell me they would assist me with transportation if he is unable to take me to and from each day.

I start at 8:30 a.m and get out at 4:00 p.m each day.

Did I mention I'm nervous as hell?

Tuesday could be the first day of the rest of my life and 6 weeks full of the hardest things I've ever done.

Wear loose clothing means I'm going to be tortured. Tortured for my own good, but still.

I'm a chicken shit. See? ----> bawk bawk!!!

My meds will probably begin to be cut down next week as well. I agreed to all this when I begged to be considered as a candidate for this program. I always said I was willing to try anything, any trial, etc etc. I am.

After so many years,

I'm just not sure if I should cry now or later...

Until next time...

Feeling Overwhelmed

2009-05-17T20:16:00.000-07:00

We went out of town on Wednesday and returned Friday evening. Even fun took it's toll on me. By the time we returned I couldn't sleep even though I tried and tried. Finally the next day I fell off to rest, waking this evening. Prior to us leaving my sister made it to a safe house for 3 days before getting on a plane back to Georgia. She got her job back already and will work from there to get her children returned. She had 3 broken ribs from husband, someone wanted to pimp her out, and another had nearly raped her. But she got to that safe house and made it back home. We had sent her some cash and mom and dad sent her a plane ticket.

The stress from it was tough, so we just bailed out of town.

I still feel overwhelmed though not exactly sure from what.. maybe everything. Maybe about the future, maybe yesterday, the present... all of it wrapped up into one, seperated into categories... pieces and parts.

It feels like some one has a tight hold on my spine and is twisting. Probably too early to have done all that sitting I did. 9 more days is 8 weeks post op. I have to charge my butt and am putting it off. Some thing I've never done before is leave home without my stim. I didn't realize it until half way to our destination. He was going to turn around and come back home, but I told him I could handle it and so we just continued on. I thought I could.

My spelling has become terrible to the point of sometimes needing a spell checker. My sentence structure is screwed. And it embarrasses me even if no one realizes it. I'm just not thrilled with things.

I am keeping up with leading the group well, but I'm not even sure how long I'll remain apart of it as I may need to leave it as a moderator eventually. It's hard to choose oneself over others. It's just not my nature.

Maybe some whiskey will do me good. lol. Throw back a few like a bar slut. Been there, done that. Few regrets, if any.

Maybe I should make an avatar and play in a chat room. Not like I'd be doing anything but playing, duh. But alas, nothing like that amuses me enough to try or stay.

Maybe I should be a phone sex op... oh wait, I already am. A year or so now. hahaha. It just doesn't rock my ship, float my boat, or wet the panties I don't have on. Haven't come across anyone that good.

I'm probably the one filing her nails while on the phone with you. ~ah well

The goal is to get you off, ya know. Never failed at that one.

Until next time...

Be good... or be good at it.

Simpli Splendiferous Moments

2009-05-13T10:43:00.000-07:00

I made this video years ago after first finding out that ... well, I just wanted my family to know how much they meant to me and mean to me. It's on YouTube. My account there is twinkleEKV.

Hope you like it...

------------------------------

Until next time...

P.S Bia isn't my blood, instead a girl I raised for many years.

Susan Boyle- An Inspiration

2009-05-11T16:59:00.000-07:00

Listening to this women's voice is like Wow! An inspiration in many aspects of life. One at her audition no one took her seriously. Never judge a book by it's cover. Two, just because a female isn't what most men would consider attractive, doesn't mean anything this time, she's making more money than you do. Three, her voice takes you into yourself and all your dreams come to light.

It doesn't matter if we're cute, if we've got a body a man would.. die for? Okay maybe a man wouldn't die for a hot body, but some would not hesitate to lay down with it.

They call her an under-dog. Why? Most likely because she doesn't possess the so called typical look. She's everyone that isn't absolutely perfect. A voice you'd never expect to hear.

How can that not be an inspiration when you hear her sing for the first time and you think... oh my fucking... you know. You're left in awe. Like no way. But it's quite the opposite, it's yes way. And you can relate...

Just because.

If you can relate you know why.. I don't need to go there. If you can't relate, I don't believe you because at one point in your life... or another... you have.

Susan is an inspiration to so many people who thought they'd never be anything. Thought their dreams could never come true, who thought they were just another someone.. anyone, all of us...

And who took a chance.

And made it.

Until next time...

Mom's Day & Lil Sis

2009-05-11T05:43:00.000-07:00

Mom's day was both nice and stressful yesterday. Nice in that my Master and children made it good for me, stressful in that my brother in law wouldn't stop calling me. My sister ran away from him the night before. He wanted to know where she was, if she was coming here, if she'd be back for their court date on Tuesday, was she getting on the plane on the 15th to Georgia. And all the same questions and talk over and over and over.

I laid on in the sun yesterday, next to the kiddie lagoon pool, I tried to relax inside the water. Cool water helps my nerve damage, cold water worsens it. That water had been waiting for me since the day before. I laid out that day too for a little while as the man did repairs on the home.

I was gifted sterling silver slave bells. Yay! I've worn bells on my left ankle for years, with periods in between that I hadn't. I had indian leather wrapped around it before he put my new bells on. I got another set of EZ combs, one silver this time. I love silver. Am not a gold girl, unless it's white gold. I got bath beads, soaps, a rose. Was happy.

I came in from the pool about 2:30 p.m. Was asleep by 4p.m, other than the phone that kept ringing. Finally I asked my son to shut down the ringer. I really couldn't take it.
Woke up at 3:30 a.m this morning with 6 voice mails. Today being not a weekend anymore, I can't talk for free. We're on a minute plan.

I love my sister, but we're very different. Our lifestyles outside of any lifestyle is different.
She's my only blood sister. She'll be 38 this month. Can't say too much other than she's relapsed again. It's her husbands fault as well, they beat the crap out of eachother on a regular basis.

It's the kids I'm frantic over. They are all in foster care currently. In the last 2 years we have taken in 2 of my neices. I am just not well enough to do it again. And how do I choose one of 5 children to take? While the other 4 says how come auntie didn't take me?
Sad, very sad. I didn't need this now.

Not when I'm being given a chance to have a life again. A life specifically meant for my Master and his own kids.

I've been pushing myself to start some things before starting the Compass program. Being out in the living room again more, and outside the last couple of days. But I'm in so early and back to sleep. Tomorrow is my monthly appointment at Pain Management. Not sure yet if my meds will begin to be decreased at that time or not yet.

I don't like being involved in family squabbles, I don't like being put on the spot. But when backed into a situation, I'll do what I have to. And I did. Of course everyone that knows me even semi well knows that....... I'll never tell. No matter how many times the phone rings, I'm mailed, or I'm pressured.

The picture I added is of me and my lil sis. (Shuddup people, my legs haven't always been that spread with my boobie's popping out, ... okay, maybe)

Until next time..

Deleted

2009-05-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

Deleted

Going Back and Moving Forward

2009-05-07T09:02:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling overly vulnerable. I feel weak to admit that I think I'm afraid of the change about to come. Crossing over from what lifes been for me to new opportunities. Hanging on to faith and hope. Pretending that I'm well enough to survive, but also knowing it's really hard to live. It's hard to hang on. Everyone tells me I'm so strong, my strength gives them strength and I'm glad it does. I really am. That's what I want is for others to have strength and survive pain, but I'm really not that strong. Even when I show my own pain, I'm still the strong one.

I remember back in 1991, when my dad was diagnosed with inoperable lung cancer. My dad and mom were managing a motel on the Esplanade in Chico CA. One day my dads leg gave out on him, he was taken to the hospital, my brother-in-law at the time and my mom tried to carry him in because only one leg was working, he was admitted, by that evening the other leg was paralyzed, by the next morning he was paralyzed from the waist down. They tattooed him to begin radiation, but then it was determined radiated would not make a difference. They gave him only days to live.

I was only 22. I listened as family members offered to take him home. He declined. I did also, I begged this man that raised me, molded me, to let me take him home and care for him.

My Master told him he would not be any burden at all. The nurse came in to change dads bedding, I had to step back as the curtain was closed. I listened and cried my eyes out quitely as my Dad told my husband to take care of me, he praised me, saying that of his 5 children, I was the only one that really got it, really understood it. He was talking about nature, he was talking about life itself. My husband promised that he would. I remember my dad saying... "you better". And I thought how would he know? He was dying. How would he know I would be taken care of. How...

My husband was not the man originally chosen for me. My husband had the guts to stand up as a man so young and take me as his own. He took me from two men, one was my father.

That's how my dad knew in that hospital bed 5 years after my husband took me that he was a man of his word. He is still that same man of his word.

When the curtain was reopened, I tried to hold back the tears. I didn't let another drop. I always held my pain inside regardless what kind. My dad told me yes.. he would come home with me. He told me there was no place he'd rather be in his last days. Oh god how I wanted to cry, instead I smiled.

He was transported by ambulance from Chico CA to my husbands home in West Sac. Hospice had already came in and set up a hospital bed, a latrine, a hoist so dad could use his arms to pull himself up to a sitting position. I fed him, I changed his diapers, the bed sores were so bad, finally dad suspended any shame, as I had to clean his bottom which was so raw as I wiped gently his skin would fall off onto the cloth.

My husband let the home be an open door, for any family to come and go as needed to visit dad.

The hospice nurse would come to change his bolus line. He could disperse morphine to himself by pushing a button and be able to have a booster as needed. He stopped eating.
I would give him popsicles. His tongue was raw with sores. My mom lived with us also. She helped, but I was caring for the both of them. For my little sister who's 2.5 years younger.
I remember how they took Xanax right and left.

But I was the strong one.

I watched his stomach constantly as I sat in the kitchen at my writing table. I had a solid view to the living room, I was never far away. I would fall asleep there, awake there.

The night before he died, he pushed my husband and I to go out. I think he tried to pass on while we were away. He kept dozing off the days prior and awaking to saying things like Cy can't believe any of this, Cy is short for his own dad who passed on a year prior. Do I believe there is a light and the possibility of seeing passed loved ones prior to ones own passing? Yes, I do. I've seen it. Listened to it. Some might say family was just on his mind. I would say differently.

When I walked up to his bedside right before going out... he said to me "you look beautiful, melody". I'm not Melody, my mom is. I think he was seeing me as her years prior. I got very drunk at the bar that night, my husband was playing dice against the bartender and winning and I drank the winning drinks. I tried to let go. I was hurting too.

I checked dad upon returning, mom was asleep beside him on the couch. We went to bed. My husband left for work in the early A.M. I got up to check dad again. He was sleeping.

Soon after, peanut (erykah) came in, pulling on me, she was only 2, I woke up and put her back in their room, button (kharisma) was awake too. I started to go back to our room. My heart sunk, I turned back down the hall and back to dad.

His hands were gripping the side of the bed, I had the bars up so he wouldn't fall out of bed. His stomach wasn't moving. I froze for a moment. I knew. I remember holding my breath, I whispered something in his ear (yes I remember what it was) I pulled his hands undone from the bed posts. The grip was so tight. I crossed his arms around his chest, I was laying him to rest. I was accused of killing him by his mother and sister. Perhaps others thought the same... but..

He was a no code. He commanded me that if he started to pass to let him go. This was the man that raised me. The master of all that was his. I remember telling him daddy, I can't do it. I can't not call 911, I can't not save you. When he said to me, "do I have to tell you again", I said no and I promised.

I promised.

And I let him go.

I woke mom up, when she looked me in the eyes she knew. She tried to shake him awake, when the coroner got there, she was in the bed laying next to him. I called my husband.
The home became chaotic. My husband took over, his own dad came. They did something for me a week prior. They made funeral arrangements. I loved my father in law. He was a good man. They contacted veterans affairs and the VFW. My dad had a military funeral with a 21 gun salute. All this for me. And my mom too.

I left acting and modeling school to take care of my dad. I did later return and graduate with an agent. I had to give it up because I had to take care of my mom.

My father in law passed away 10 months later and my mother in law a year after.

I did go on to become poster girl at a local 50's diner and do their commerical. I was always a valuabe asset at work. The two same jobs competed for me back and forth for years. I worked for Eppies Restaurant 4 times and Hueys Diner 3. For a period of time both jobs at the same time. From a regular employee to assistant and General Manager. I went to the top at Hueys. I couldn't go any higher. I'm proud of that. I did all that by the time I was 25. I took care of the man, the children, the home and still had time for a social life.

One day I called home from work to tell him I would be home in a half hour, I needed to stop at the store on the way home. Well.. I stopped at the bar, we were both well known there. Live music was playing, I danced maybe 3 minutes, I slammed a drink from a man I knew well and strictly platonic. I left the bar, went to the store across the street and went right home. When I got home, I was a little late. Not much at all. Well.. my Master checked the register receipt from the store. Busted!

But I never knew that 7 years later it would all come crashing down.

For 8 years it has been nearly nothing but doctors, surgeries, seclusion. I did go to Vocational Rehab in 2005, took a leave for a surgery, returned, completed my pre requisite classes for my major and left because my body kept deteriorating. It became to hard to sit or stand. It just all became so overwhelming. I began to home school. Between the constant pain and medications, my mind is not what it was. Growing up in the MGM program (Mentally Gifted Minds) didn't do me any good anymore. I had began to turn all my focus on RSD/CRPS research by 2004. By 2005, I had a website up and was in communication with organizations of same. I kept researching, looking for clinical trials.
Because Workers Compensation denied treatment other than pain management and medications for so long by the time I got it... it was too late. An irreversable stage.

I suppose I've pretended in a sense that it's incurable. I can go on without that in my head. I have other diagnosis' that I don't even think about. If I don't then I can push the symptoms away. If it's not in mind then I don't have to worry about it. When I have spoken of it... some people assume pity... they couldn't be more wrong.

And then I become a group leader. An acheivement, yes. I've yet to speak with the Senior Leader who's on vacation at the time to let him know I either have to back down as leader or commit to only a half hour a day and on week ends a hour a day. I think I can get all that need to be done..done , in that amount of time.

My team of doctors are really taking over now. I wish I had this when I begged for it 5 years ago. I'm not ashamed to say that I went to a Psychologist and a Psychiatrist and in my intake paperwork I specifically listed that I needed to learn to cope with physical pain.
Instead of helping me they tossed yet another diagnosis on me and gave me Depakote at 2,500mgs a day and Wellbutrin at 400mgs a day. Without going into further details.. after a few visits over a period of time, I never returned. And quit those meds cold turkey. To give some a time line, I was a member of GCI. I left the meds and GCI behind at the same time.

I became absorbed in promoting pain related websites, advertising... and seemingly endless research.

A program finally came along to help people like me get back to some type of normalcy.
To live some type of decent and fullfilling life. My foots already in the door, I've yet to begin the program itself, as of now, I've gone through the meetings to get there.

I think I'm afraid of change now. At the same time I'm excited. To have a life again outside of the home, even in it, but being able to do things? I can't let that pass me by.

I want to be a success story.

I use to be a perfectionist, I can't have that anymore and I'm not quite sure how to fail. Being secluded and home bound prevents me from failing. I just am.

I never missed work. There were periods of times when I was in Management that I went 4 months without a single day off. A few half days, but not a day off. They were severely short handed and me... it was always so hard to say no. Being a natural submissive can sometimes put one in positions they can't get out of and it did.

I keep thinking about school, I have 3 courses left for my diploma. Courses that years back would have been easy for me, maybe with some difficult parts, but I could have finished this on time years ago. Adobe Indesign an amazing publishing program, Adobe Photoshop and Adobe Illustrator. It's not just running the progam and using what you need. Heck, I've used these programs, but not to the extent needed for a diploma. Making Master templates, Book designs, custom illustrations. Ugh... it's just harder for me now. It just is. I was hand coding html 12 years ago. Hand coding all of it. I only learned to used a template a few years ago and it drove me nuts. Now it's easy to "use" a template, but not create a master one. Making a book to where the pages turn, not click to the next. This is what I have to do and so much more to graduate. I made a webpage with Microsoft Word. Most people only use it to write with. There's so much more to these programs that's what's on the surface.

I've done so much in my life in during the gloomiest of days.. it scares to me to think about when it's going to run out.

I think of my dad and what happened to his legs and I think of me... and I can feel it.
I tend to believe some of us are here to walk the shoes of everyone. I've walked many.

Our house hold is both black and white, I'm not talking about theories or philosophy, I'm speaking in the literal term. I am not shamed. I would feel shamed for the person who didn't like it. While some may pity me for being open, I would pity them for being closed.

Of course there are a few things I've probably never mentioned, but they surely aren't secrets. Actually I've probably mentioned everything at some point or other over the years. In articles, essays, forums, etc.

Anyway...

It's hard to move forward when you've forgotten how to...

Until next time...

Reflections

2009-05-05T04:43:00.000-07:00

Haven't written in a few days and have had a lot on my mind. For one, I just can't seem to shake the pain that invades my body everyday. The last 2 days have been rough. It seems like it's just one flare-up right into the next. My knees feel twisted, my calf is constantly on fire, meds hardly help, so I end up putting myself to sleep with Tylenol PM just so that I won't feel as much pain in my sleep. And hardly any until I awake for some reason.

I started treating my face with a series of lotions and my face is smooth and soft again. Even lines that started to appear are gone. Almost like a glow a woman gets when she's pregnant. I'm not pregnant though. Nope, nope, nope. That's a done deal.

Today I meet with the team of doctors at Compass to determine a plan of rehabilitation for me. Rehabilitation isn't really the right word, I can't think of the word the assistant said to me on the phone, but it's setting up a plan of action to help me achieve some goals either way. Obviously I have been cleared as a candidate for this program.

One I know they're going to help me try to wear shoes again. I haven't wore any aside from hard rains for 8 years and I don't often go out in the rain, only if I have an appointment to go to. We're going to start turning my stim (SCS) off at night, I can't quite recall what else, but today I will learn what we're going to do for sure. While I'll more than likely be sharing with others what I learn as I go in this program, later, I'll be compiling a paper of teaching.

I've been keeping busy Leading the pain group and doing well.

I've been thinking about God and the bigger picture. Receiving at least a dozen of private emails a day asking me to pray for them in their darkest hours of pain. I always do. I've been called an inspiration so many times in open forum and privately. How can this not make me feel good? It does. It always does.

There's a Neurotropin study in Clinical Trial and still recruiting patients for CRPS type 2. Unfortunately the study is too far away for me to particape in.

Something came up in the group that really got me thinking.. One person said they believed all things happen for a reason, something I've thought also, then another person said if they believed that things happen for a reason they'd have to also believe they did something so bad as to have this illness placed upon them. The girl ended the sentence with.. I've never done anything so bad to deserve this.

That really got me thinking... I even found it to be true in many ways. It made me think of myself and my past, growing up, adulthood etc.

I too have never done anything to deserve this. I've always been a helping hand, a listener, a warm compassionate, passionate, always giving, not caring to receive, a life of service of one kind or other.

It reminded me in a way of when bad things happen to good people.

Until next time...

Prayer

2009-05-01T18:31:00.000-07:00

This was sent to me by someone I've become closer to over time. Someone who's husband became involved to find this for me, people who could be considered as strangers from a distant in some small ways, but who have reached out with compassion, care and friendship. I can't see this friendship as anything but growing.

I tend to believe that many of us are meant to be in each others lives. Meant to cross paths for the better good. A few for the lesser good. Tests maybe.

This inspired me to the point tears fell. It happened to be sent while I was feeling terrible pain. It was received when my state of being and physical pain was overwhelming.

Within a few minutes of reading my pain began to subside. Whether or not others find this to be true... it is. There can be several reasons for it if one wants to consider that the reading itself had nothing to do with the decrease. At the very least it brought a sense of peace and tranquility within me and that alone could be the contributor of the relief. Had these passages and prayer not been available I truly believe that my pain would not have decreased at that time. I had not yet taken any pain medication. I had not been awake long. I was feeling detached, like I was bouncing in and out of myself. I contributed that to the possibility that I did not take my Cymbalta yesterday, or... during my sleep I did not wake to take my Morphine. Withdraws come quickly with these meds. It's why it's important to take as prescribed and on time. The pain itself is different.

I'd like to share what was sent to me...

"It is important that we approach God with integrity and in attitude of humility. But because we fear making a negative confession, we sometimes cross the line of honesty into the line of denial and delusion. Let's be honest. God already knows what we are feeling. He can handle our anger, complaints, and disappointments. He understands us. He is aware of our human frailties (Ps. 103:14) and can be touched with the feelings of our infirmities (Heb. 4:15)"

"Sometimes when you are in teh midst of discouragement, it is difficult to remember that you have ever known any Scripture. I admonish you to read this prayer aloud until you recognize the reality of God's Word in your spirit, soul, and body. Remember, God is watching over His Word to perform it. (Jer. 1:12 AMP) He will perfect that which concerns you. (Ps 138:8)"

PRAYER

"Lord, I do not understand why You have allowed this trouble to assail me. It was after I began to follow You in obedience that this trouble was manifested in my life. I have exhausted all my possibilities for changing my situation and circumstances and have found that I am powerless to change them. I believe; help me overcome my unbelief. All things are not possible with man, but all things are possible with You. I humble myself before You, and You will lift me up.

I have a great High Priest Who has gone through the heavens; Jesus, Your Son. And I hold firmly to the faith I profess. My High Priest is able to sympathize with my weaknesses. He was tempted in every way, just as I am -- yet was without sin. I approach Your throne of grace with confidence, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.

In the face of discouragement, disappointment, and anger, I choose to believe that Your word to Moses is Your word to me. You are mighty to deliver. Because of Your mighty hand, You will drive out the forces that have set themselves up against me. You are the Lord, the Promise-Keeper, the Almighty One. You appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, and established Your covenant with them.

Father, I believe that You have heard my groaning, my cries. I will live to see Your promises of deliverance fulfilled in my life. You have not forgotten one word of Your promise; You are a Covenant-Keeper.

It is You Who will bring me out from under the yoke of bondage and free me from being a slave to RSD. You have redeemed me with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgement. You have taken me as your own, and You are my God. You are a father to me. You have delivered me from the past that has held me in bondage and translated me into the Kingdom of love, peace, joy, and righteousness. I will no longer settle for the pain of the past. Where sin abounds, grace does much more abound.

Father, what You have promised, I will go and possess, in the name of Jesus. I am willing to take the chance, to take the risk, to get back into the good fight of faith. It is with patient endurance and steady and active persistence that I run the race, the appointed course that is set before me. I rebuke the spirit of fear, for I am established in righteousness. Oppression and destruction shall not come near me. Behold, they may gather together and stir up strife, but it is not from You, Father. Whoever stirs up strife against me shall fall and surrender to me. I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me.

In His name I pray, amen."

___________________________________

And in his name I do pray.. Amen

Until next time..

Pathway Of Pain

2009-04-30T08:28:00.000-07:00

(or The Way To God)

If my days were untroubled and my heart always light,

Would I seek that fair land where there is no night?

If I never grew weary with the weight of my load,

Would I search for God’s Peace at the end of the road?

If I never knew sickness and never felt pain,

Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain?

If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss,

Would my soul seek sweet solace at the foot of the cross?

If all I desired was mine day by day,

Would I kneel before God and earnestly pray?

If God sent no “winter” to freeze me with fear,

Would I yearn for the warmth of “spring” every year?

I ask myself this and the answer is plain -

If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain

I’d seek God less often and need Him much less,

For God's sought more often in times of distress.

And no one knows God or sees Him as plain

As those who have met Him on “The Pathway of Pain.”

by Helen Steiner Rice.

First Appointment at Compass

2009-04-29T15:54:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to meet the Psychologist and Physical Therapist at Compass. For the course of this program I'll be dropping the use of 3rd person speech from my blog. This has to do with my treatment.

I met with the Psychologist first. I gave a history, did memory tests and so forth. I filled out those psych tests and PTSD test thingy. I've was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back.

After I met with my Physical Therapist. Not like any other PT person I've ever met before. He took an additional history, more so, trying to get to know me. He asked how long I can stand, walk etc. When he looked over at me and ask how long I could sit without leaning onto the arm of the chair like I was doing.. I didn't have an answer for him. I don't always realize I'm doing that. He told me he would never be able to take my pain away, of course this is always a hard thing to hear, but I do already know this. He said he is skeptic when people say.."I'm willing to try anything" as I did also. This is when he went on to tell me my pain would always exist. I accepted his word. I understand. But there's a chance to manage it. And I'm ready to learn.

He had me try to stand one one foot at a time while he counted to 10. I did decently I think though I looked like I was flying trying to keep balance.

He dropped a pen on the floor and told me to pick it up. I did, but did it horribly, he dropped the same pen and asked me to kneel on one leg, I did so, he told me to never do it again. he could tell I hurt myself in doing so, I didn't whine a single whimper, I blew that one.

We moved to the bed, I slid up on it, he tested range of motion in my feet, I did pretty well. We tested my toes, I can bend my left, my right embarrassed me. The first 2 toes, try to bend, the 3rd and forth don't and all and my baby toe splays out like it's waving.

He poked me with a bent out paper clip, shit! But I didn't whine, my face flushed though, he could tell. He tested sensitivity, I knew I had Allodynia, was diagnosed with it before, he confirmed it. As well as another, Dystonia, also re confirmed.. He checked my body temperature in those limbs, temperatures were off by degrees. They always are.

The atrophy in my right calf is 2.5 cm, not too bad. In previous years it stayed at 2. this last year decreased to another .5.

I didn't expect this coming...

He told me to look him in the eyes (ugh) so I did. He asked me what my leg was, I hesitated and answered my leg? He asked me what my foot was, um, my foot?

Apparently I had been calling both of them "it" the entire time. It burns, it swells, it changes color see? it it it

That was a no no. I was disassociating those parts of my body from myself. I didn't realize.

With the command of having me look into his eyes and hold it.... I had a deja vu or flash back... of being back among Goreans. sheesh!

I have to start using the rough washcloth again as home therapy to desensitize, turn my stim off at night. I'll try turning my stim off at night this week, I started to last night, but found a setting while starting too that felt good, so.... on it stayed.

I'm not sure when this is suppose to start, I have to meet with them again and I don't have that appointment date yet. This time I'll be meeting with the team. What is nice is they include you in everything. It's not like one doc says one thing, and another says another, and one is going back and forth not understanding. I meet with all of them together. I've never been apart of a team of doctors before.

Today I am so sore, I suppose from pressing towards my toes when I picked up the pens or bending my foot at the same time.

As a Group Leader I speak in first person, during my new learning I have to also for my own well being. To say "she" is disassociating me from me. Interesting in a brand new light.

Until next time..

Your Gorean is Better than...

2009-04-28T00:49:00.000-07:00

Yet.. is it?

Lately she's found it quite embarrassing to even be around people, free or slave, who are so chest thumping they think their gorean is better than anothers. There's no set of rules and just when you think there is, as in years ago, you might find that what you thought you knew... means nothing. All these years spent to have Goreans respected and recognized as a lifestyle, alternative way of living or whatever you might want to call it.. seperate from BDSM, isn't getting better, but worse.

Societies and communities grow with people.

Observation and communication, watching and listening. Learning..

The book-- Try to live by it.. and you'll find at some point that you need to get the hell out of it. It doesn't work. Then later.. it's back to the book again.

It's fine that some don't recognize the institution of marriage as gorean. That doesn't keep us from the path. It's a silly argument especially when it can be shown in many that parts of their lives wouldn't be considered gorean either. Whoopdee dooo.

Our marriage contradicts the gorean ethology. It will not stop us from believing in what we do.

Blah blah blah

Putting people down doesn't show strength.. it shows weakness. It would be much more peaceful to just live your lives and find happiness in it. Live it your way. Just be who you are. But nooooooo, afterall drama makes your day. Tranquility makes ours.

Courage is being kicked down, back handed, knocked on your ass and still being able to get up, hold ones head high and shrug it off.

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own.. You may both be wrong". ~Dandemis

Until next time...

You have to read this...(Too Funny)

2009-04-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

He placed the collar on her neck only two weeks ago when the Sir said to his pet, "pet, I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be back later." "my apologies Sir, Hank's?" pet inquired. "I'm going to the bar, pet,' he answered. "You want a beer, my Lord?' she opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. Pleased, he wished to have an evening out with all the perks of being in a bar with his friends. He did very much appreciate her efforts and just as he saw in her before the collaring, he felt the pull of her need to serve. "Very good... However at the bar... you may know...they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because his pet,
eager to please, popped up rushing into the kitchen. "You want a frozen glass, Master?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. He looking a bit pale and said, "Yes, my pet, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be back to tuck you in bed." "You want hors d'oeuvres, Master?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. He smiled tolerantly and with a nod he took her cheek in hand, "But my sweetest pet... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and t..." "You want dirty words, m'Lord? ............ .....
LISTEN UP, CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR LEATHER COVERED ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR FUCKIN' BEER IN YOUR FUCKIN' FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR FUCKIN' HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOU'VE COLLARED ME AND YOUR ASS ISN'T GOING TO ANY DAMN BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?'

Until next time...

Compass Evaluation

2009-04-24T02:19:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a great day with the new position. Around 4:00 p.m the phone rang and it was Pain Management, I could hear the answering machine message from the bedroom I'm staying in, but the phone was so far away, when I heard it being the voice of the assistant at the doctors office, I got up to go replay the message. Then I called them. I have an appointment on Tuesday at 2:00 p.m with the physical therapist and then at 3:00 p.m with the Psychologist. I got my authorization for Compass. By later last night I was in so much pain, I was hardly able to deal with it. It took forever to fall asleep, kept turning to try and get comfortable. Fell off to sleep around 5:00 p.m the first time, then dozed off, several times through out the night, had been awake since around 1 a.m that morning.

Our weather went from the upper 90 degrees to the high 60's. Maybe that contributed to it. The burn in my legs just wouldn't ease up. Still even now it hasn't. I just took 1,200mgs of Neurontin. The.. I'm going to forget I was ever at Marine World drug. We're leaving later this morning to go.

I became Leader and Compass Authorization came the same day, I wonder if this is a sign.
I can now let others know step by step what the process is.

I could mess with the psychologists mind if he asks me if I hear voices..and say.. "omg, did you hear that?. lol

Okay, I like to play with them. ~hangs my head.

I know they're both men, I have their names.

I just keep thinking of the long days required to complete this program. I have to try.

I've been thinking about my 3 goals. I only know for sure that one of them will be weight management, range of motion, etc. I just want to be on my feet again as long as possible. Take walks with my family. Right now, 10 minutes tops and I'm already screaming in my head at 5. This may be an unrealistic goal. They told me 7 years ago, I would be in a wheelchair in 2, I passed that up by many years, just fighting my way through each day.

I'm going to soak in an Epson salts bath pretty soon. Maybe it will take some strain off my legs. I won't even be using them today. It's just that the burn pain exists without weight bearing. It's terrible. I really feels like one has been splashed with hot water, or gotten an extreme sun burn where the heat doesn't come out. That's the nerve damage.

I need to think of long term goals. Not goals for hobbies and such. Goals that will improve the quality of my life. My physical life.

Until next time..

Amazing News!

2009-04-23T06:58:00.000-07:00

I have really good news to share. Earlier this morning i was made a group leader to my pain group. This didn't come easy. I am bragging when I say I beat out a Dr. and Professor of a University. I cannot give any more details on this person, or others, but I am just proud to be working with the current 2 Leaders who are amazing. To be recommended above others with Master's degrees and more, I am truly humbled and honored at the same time. Even somewhat speechless.

I'm happy my hard work has paid off. I am happy I'm not doing this solo. I have a pain group that I began, over 200 members, more members than this one has now. I've been referring my members to this group for a bit now. Only those members know that they were referred, I'm not the type that brings myself attention by making it known that I did this. All the time and effort I put into CRPSA. All the seemingly endless hours of research. All the promoting of other well known sites. All the passion.

This group is one of the newer ones at the main site which is much larger. Even Leader's need breaks to take care of themselves. One of the Leaders is having a hard time right now. It left the other to pick up things, some members wanting the current Leaders to step down thinking they could do better themselves. Others applying for the position. I applied for consideration not long after I joined in January. Not being hired didn't stop me from participating or being there. When I joined there was 2 Leaders. No one else had been hired either. There's something special about this place. Ironically I would have never have learned of it had I not been notified for something entirely different. To promote them on my own website. I review all sites I list. This is the first support group that I have joined that I also promote. I am a member of another newer site, but as it's grown.... blah. I get invites to join groups that have absolutely nothing to do with the sites theme, which is a patients advocacy. Not!

I'll be removing myself from that one as soon as I get around to it. It's just not on my priority list.

I suppose I had to be there awhile to prove myself, show my determination, learn from others and teach others... some one is always watching us in life. Even when we don't know it or realize it.

Test!

I passed and I couldn't be any happier.

I won't be telling the name of the site, not on this blog, I can't have it come up in search engines along side fuck sites. When the sites are those my Master let me have, that's one thing, when they're not, it's entirely another. It's not my choice or his to give.

I think my email is connected to this blog. If anyone wants to know... just email me.
For those who have other contact information on me... contact me there.

The site isn't limited to what I'm now Leader for... RSD/CRPS. It's consists of support groups from chronic pain to several physical disorders, mental and emotional disorders, seniors disorders, teen disorders, cancer, addiction, hundreds of support areas and hundreds of relevant threads.

Without spam and very well taken care of. There are Leaders in all areas. These are not groups that are neglected.

To C and D... Thank you!

And tomorrow is Marine World...

Until next time...

Marine World

2009-04-21T02:35:00.000-07:00

On Friday, we're going to Six Flags Marine World. Not far from here. It's in Vallejo CA. Maybe an hour or so from home. Use to be closer when we lived in West Sac, jump on the 80 and go. We're about an hour and a half of San Francisco CA. It's usually where we fly in or out of if taking a plane. While Sac airport is definately closer, tickets are cheaper in S.F.

We're only going for the day. We were going to get a room there as well. But since they're only open from 11:00a.m to 6:00p.m. we decided not to.

It's hard to believe this one is only 3 weeks post op. Seems much longer. Am doing well for the most part. Will starting weaning off the Norco's with my last 20ct refill tomorrow. Taking taking Morphine and Norco together helps the pain, but taking 1,200 mgs of Neurontin helps the burn better. As I told my friend earlier, it's really an anti seizure medication, but is commonly used for nerve damage. The set back is that memory loss occurs and one gets a scattered sense of being. Especially at that dosage.

But at least it's not a narcotic.

Won't be able to go on any rides at Marine World, but they have shows too. Will coast on her wheels while the family rides. Am just glad to be there for a little family trip. Wish bubbles was here though. Miss her alot. So will just be this one, Master, oldest daughter and son. Leaving grandson with his dad. He got chuckee cheese a couple of days ago.

The man did okay selling the vessels at the Doin's. Left the rest to consignment.
He got orders for other chapters as well. So that is a good thing.

It's been really hot here the last few days. Already in the 90's. Today is going to be 96 degrees. Ouch! This ones skin can't take that. Take atleast 4-5 showers a day every summer.

After we get back from Marine World, they'll get the back yard ready, take the cyclone dog kennel down that came with the house when we bought it and use it to make a wall at the end of the walk way that leads to the back yard. We have a yard up front also. Actually two. Out front by the drive way and outside our front door. Our front doors are enclosed, not viewable by the street. Guess it could be called a bbq area or similar. The gate being placed will keep the freedum dum lol Um our dog freedom from getting into the back as well as keep the baby safe since we'll be getting a pool. Just a small one. Enough to get wet in.

The weather is so crazy it's going from the 90's this week to 67 on Friday when we go to Six Flags. What a difference. And it may even be cooler there.

This ones diet has gone all to hell. Well not really, the dieting is fine, still doing well, it's just not going well for her. Not burning any calories so not losing. But haven't gained and that was the goal all along. Being confined doesn't help.

Until next time

Bootie Charging

2009-04-18T02:16:00.000-07:00

She fell asleep early last evening with her strap-on on. (You're minds went straight to the gutter I bet). She was about 2 hours into charging her internal battery when she fell off to sleep, she remembers she still had about 4 to go the last time she checked her hand held base unit.

She finally got comfortable on her back, which she hasn't slept on since her surgery. She did put a pillow beneath her. When charging one has to be still or the disk will slip and she has to re sync it. She can walk around while charging and if she could actually walk better charging would be easier, the time would go by faster and there wouldn't be pressure against her internal battery which is also one of the fresh incisions right now. So it's a little painful to have the disk pressing up against it. The disk has to be able to communicate with her butt or er internal battery.

When she woke she was fully charged and it didn't slip. She has to try to sleep on her back more so that the lead will take properly to the spine. Right now, when she sits up she has a habit of leaning forward. This habit came from being in severe pain so many times it became her comfort zone. To bend forward and rock. But this isn't good for the lead. When she leans forward the stimulation decreases which means if she continues to do this while the wires are taking to the spine, it will always be that way even after healing.

She has to do better to be on her back. She sleeps on her left side most always with a body pillow between her legs, actually so that the right leg is elevated. Sleeping on her right side, she can feel the box in her butt, okay it's a battery, it's a box to this one. She does still turn to her right from time to time though. Can't stay in one position long.

cali misses her Master

She woke when she did about 1:00a.m because her daughter brought her home a terriyaki bowl (not sure how to spell that).

She carefully stood up as not to biff it again, unstrapped, put it away back to the main base unit, went to the bathroom and came back to her room. Turned on the tv, nothing but infomercials.

Was thinking it might be nice to ask for a Magic Bullet (not that kind pervs, had one and broke it) the kitchen kind. Seems like it would really make cooking and prepping much easier. And the fruit and veggie smoothies. Yum.

So am awake for now, but still tired.

Our son starts Boxing this week coming up. It will be good for him. This one's uncles are famous boxers. The Romero Brothers from the 40's. They are in the boxing hall of fame. Jackie, Tomboy and Elwood. They were called the Fighting Romero's of Sacramento. All the brothers are deceased now. We were all very close when one was younger. Master met them all as well.

This ones grandma, sister of the brothers, has the golden gloves.

Dad boxed as well but never went that far. The brothers raised this ones Dad. So he was in the arena's all the time.

Our son is 12. It will give him good discipline. He asked to do boxing instead of karate. Of course there's no thoughts of glory, but kids have to have dreams. Won't take that from him, instead encourage him. For us it's the idea of a good disciplined sport of sorts. His trainer is a man who boxed for 30 years. Master will be meeting him on Tuesday.

Well Tales from the Dark Side is on now.. and better than an infomercial so will peek at that while checking emails.

Until next time..

(ECV)Clamper's Down to the Watering Hole

2009-04-16T21:13:00.000-07:00

This ones Master leaves in the morning to go Clampin'. He goes atleast twice a year. The watering hole is a type of imagery of sorts to mean they're going to all go gather and drink and eat. Initiate new ones in and just have a blast really.

The project the man has been working on, the little business of sorts will be sold from Friday to Sunday. Sand blasted mugs for the men and talls for the widders. Widders (like herself) are what the woman of the men are called. The mens only fraternity goes back many years. To learn more you can read up here.

When the men were killed in the gold mining days the other men would take care of the women and children left behind.

"Especially the Widders"

You can also learn more at the ECV Gazette,

This one is not sure what she will do with her time. Often thinks to cam or something similar while he's away, (she has his permission) but never does. Just lack the energy even for some fun.

Will probably spend it watching tv, movies, just relaxing. Always worry about him when he's away. He doesn't have a good heart. He has two stents in there from a heart attack at 38.

They spend the weekend getting shit faced. Raise funds for historical restoration. Not long ago they restored a very old cemetary. The kind that give one an almost eerie feeling looking at. The old head stones, large, extremely tall, not like today when ones head stone is just a stone place into the ground.

It's not easy to become a Clamper and this widder is forbidden to discuss initiation details. Lets just say it's not for the weak at heart. ~smiles

You can probably find some secrets online, but this one won't be telling any.

Like the Gorean Philosophy you'll find tons of mis information. Only the true at heart know and understand the real deal. What a comparision she just came up with. But true in many ways.

They all have a name that was given to them by their origional sponser when they became a red shirt. A red shirt implies you got through and belong to the brotherhood. That's no secret and more than likely why in any picture that anyone might see of this ones Master unless is on a more formal basis.. the man is in a red shirt. lol

They take care of their own. You'll often hear a Clamper to another Clamper say, "What say the brother?" and the answer follows.. one of those answers is "Satisfactory".

Well this one can't give all the fun away. Most Clampers are marked with their symbol. This ones Master's is marked on his forearm with a tattoo that says.. ECV 3 surrounded in flames. The Chapter out of Auburn CA.

ECV Lord Sholto Douglas Chapter 3

California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger became a member a few years ago. Many U.S. Presidents have been members, many of office.
Would really love to tell a secret on this, but sighs, can't. Sometimes really hate knowing thngs. A certain amount one has to know since she is the founder of Widders Web.

Bet'cha didn't know that?

There's tons of history within this order. Chapter 3 is known for being the toughest. Very few males have the guts to try to get into this one. It takes a man.

Until next time...

Sexxxxx- Nice 'N Easy--- Mostly

2009-04-14T16:13:00.000-07:00

She went to the doctor today, 2nd Post Op appointment, she's coming along well. We discussed the brace, but if the referral for Compass comes through she'll be doing Yoga twice a day and it's suppose to work better.

When we returned home, she had forgotten to ask the doc about something. The man wanted her yesterday, and gave her nipple tugs today, well she knew...

So on his behalf she called to ask (she fumbled her words on the phone) Hi this is Twinkle, er uh, forgot to ask the doc an important question you see, um.. so I know I have to be careful with my lead and I know it's still soon after surgery, but can I, I mean can my man have?

Gosh, finally spit it out. Can we have sex?

The assistant on the line knowing this one's entire history as she's worked there the entire time one has been going there, 5 years now said "just a moment Twinkle, let me ask"

When the assistant came back to the phone, she said" The doctor isn't in now but me and B discussed it and as long as you are gentle, he is gentle with you, we see no reason why you can't".

Perk!!!

but Twinkle, gentle.

~wrinkled her nose

So this one says, does this mean no butt spanking and no hair pulling? The girl laughed.

Gentle Twinkle.

Okay... will do so.

So after the called ended she called out for her Master "she screamed out... oh baby.. called the doc on your behalf, all for you my Master... He said "what?"

This one enticed him into the bedroom with a change in voice, still partially yelling as the living room is way down the hall from this bedroom.

He came in. She told him, he could use her, but....(seductive voice) ever so gently.

He nodded and departed the room.

She thought to herself ...hm

And turned her browser back to the Forum she was reading.

A few moments later, he comes in, locks the door, pulls away her laptop stand, commands her to the edge of the bed (already didn't have on any panties or sports bra, had changed like she always does when returning home from somewhere) She's wearing a spaghetti strap somewhat tight summer dress that's thigh high.

She did as instructed and moved to the edge, he widened her legs and let her feed off him a few moments, she ravished it, he took it away. ~frown. He teased her and put it back to her lips, she nipped it teasingly back, and took it back in. He took it away again, with one hand he spread her better leg, pulled her hips forward even more pulled her dress up under her neck...

And...

Oh yeah

Here he comes... (well not yet really)

She squeezed her coochie muscles really tight (always does that) as he entered, released as he pounded her (gently) easy but deep even slams, she squeezed again, but harder.. she got goose bumps listening to his moans of pleasure, when he was deep inside her, she squeezed so that when he pulled part way out for the next thrust he could feel the tightness...

Mmm yum yum wowies and.. Oh my God, what a rush! ~purrrsss

Afterward she dipped her fingers into her cooch and licked his gift clean from her fingers while looking into his eyes, then she lowered them with a soft smile on her face.

It was somewhat of a quickie, we did have to be careful, you know..

Then he tossed her a towel and out the door he went.

It was all good.

Until next time...

From AIT 25 Bravo to the 3rd Infantry Divison

2009-04-13T03:32:00.000-07:00

She lay awake all night with a different kind of emotion rushing through heart. An emotion that causes her a sense of fear. Our second daughter is the one in the U.S Army. The one the Army rarely knows what they're going to do with her. From not graduating boot camp from a hip fracture that occurred during a midnight training exercise in the water where they were all carrying planks above their heads and one of her unit let go causing a domino effect where she fractured her hip.

4 days before graduation we found out she was graduating after all. The passed her run. Money was tight at the time, but this one had some back pay coming, husbands friend and long time co-worker put the tickets on his credit card for us. All of us. Master, slave, oldest daughter and son. The co worker did this without hesitation, his own free will. He was never asked for such a thing. What a wonderful man. We paid him back in full plus 50 in interest/extra and 20 lottery tickets a bit over a week later for doing something so generous for us.

We went to her graduation in South Carolina and afterward drove to mom and dads where one spent her 40th bday. The kids got to see their grand parents and extended family. None of us had in many years. Our army girl was happy to have her grand parents attend her graduation.

We drove our daughter to AIT in Fort Gordon GA and dropped her off at her new home before driving on to moms.

She came home for Christmas, where we met her then boyfriend. They are always decent before the parents. We were blind sided. We no longer have respect for him. Our daughter tried to file for an anulment but in the State of GA it isn't allowed if one has slept with their husband. A divorce is on it's way. Once he became her husband, he began physically abusing her, humiliating her, degrading her and more. Very sad. They were married spontaneously, out of the blue, court house, had a type of love, but wasn't in love.

This one knew something wasn't right not long after they left to return to GA from Christmas vacation. Our daughter paid for the flight tickets (they weren't married yet) she purchased many things for him that were NOT gifts, but a promise to pay. He drained her.
Our girl had a decent savings. Now it's gone. %$^&$#@@@!!!!

Army girl was suppose to be home this Wednesday, we were told we may not see her for years now. This ones belly tied in knots. She was supposed to be deployed to Germany and then Iraq and because of all the changing information from day to day, we just didn't know anymore. Not long ago we learned she was going to be Medically Discharged. An honorable discharge because of her hip. Not anymore, she graduated, afterall.

Until she graduated from AIT a few days ago. She graduated as the only female into the 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Stewart. Now she'll be transfered to Fort Stewart, Georgia where she'll begin a new kind of training.

Infantry?!!!

No!

~sighs This one is not permitted to tell where her deployment will be after training.

This scares this one. Her dad didn't even like it. One saw the look on his face after he got off the phone with his daughter. She was suppose to stay in what she just finished being trained in. Computer Networking, Intel. Her hip has never been fixed. While she graduated from AIT, she still has to pass a 2 mile run.

Not being trained in battle. Now she will be. We raised a strong girl. She tough and proud.

Have been thinking about this for days now. As my pain increases, during flares, one thinks of this even more.

Everyone say's get everything in writing. And our Soldier Girl did. Apparently it wasn't enough.

It does not matter son or daughter, a mother is afraid to lose her baby ducks. A father keeps most of his emotions inside.

Please continue to pray for our Soldiers, Our Soldier Girl Erykah, too.

Mom has alot on her mind...

Until next time...

(The people in the photos are in the first- brother, Army Girl, older sister. In the second, Army Girl and Dad.)

It was a Happy Easter morning

2009-04-12T15:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning this one biffed it out of bed, like she was shoved and her feet pulled out from beneath her. When she went to take a step, her stimulator went into over drive and she fell forward hard. Both elbows and both knees are still swollen, last night was painful. A pain none of her meds helped. Had easter to get ready, eggs to dye, baskets to prepare, plastic eggs to fill with candy, quarters and bills. We always do that, so the kids get a little money.

Well this ones day was pretty much ruined, couldn't walk, couldn't get rid of the pain, adjusted her stimulator to try to get rid of it, but since it was a different kind of pain it didn't work.

Fell off to a nap fairly early, when she woke she was pleased that her oldest daughter took over for her, got the eggs dyed with her brother and son, her Dad helped put the plastic eggs together. Everything was done. A great relief wasn't taken off her.

Woke this morning still hurting, but got up anyway, after all it's Easter. Had coffee, our son was already awake as was Master. Had a cup of coffee and then she went to wake our grandson and tell him to hurry the Easter Bunny came.

Always loved the light in their eyes, the surprise, the innocence.

About an hour later we hid the plastic eggs for an easter egg hunt. It was great!

What a happy easter

Until next time

Compass Functional Restorational Center

2009-04-09T17:32:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor yesterday for my post op appointment. I was also re programmed by Medtronic, my new lead is working down farther in my foot as it was meant to do, but still not as far down as my toes which was the target. I seen Medtronic first and then my Pain Manager. I'm healing well and few more weeks and I should be completely healed from the surgery. It can take up to 6 months for my lead to take to the spine, it has to grab onto it and stick into place. This is why it's so important not to do anything too physical, or move abruptly.

My pain Manager is putting in a referral for me to begin the Compass Functional Restorational program. http://www.sacpainclinic.com/compass.php

My doctor heads and leads this program and it's located next door to my pain clinic http://www.sacpainclinic.com/ (The man in the photo is my pain manager himself)

The program is 7 hours a day, 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It scared me. Seriously.
So scared I came home, rested, and then ate 5 peanut butter cookies. Diet goes bye bye.

My vocational rehabilitation eventually became home schooling. I was going to the actual school quite a bit away from home. I couldn't handle 4 days a week for 4 hours. Then I went down to 2 days a week for 6 hours or as long as I could tolerate. A few times I was able to put in an 8 hour day, when pain was lower and I became consumed in my studies. I only graduated from the pre requisite course. I have a Microsoft Office Certificate, but never graduated from the full curriculum which was Corporate Publishing.

In order go through the Compass program I have to pass a phycological evaluation, just like when I was first considered as a candidate for my Spinal Cord Stimulator. You have to be referred, considered and pass.

Of course I want to do this program, I told my Pain Manager I did. It's not being forced upon me. But God I'm scared to fail. I would be happy to not be on the internet all day, I am more than eager to learn new techniques to control pain, I'm looking forward to understanding flare-ups more than I do now and how to get through them.

I can't wait to pass what I learn onto my website and my pain groups, or anyone in chronic pain. This isn't only for people with RSD/CRPS. It's for people who live with Chronic Pain in general.

I don't want to let my Doctor down and they know I have volunteered to do clinical trials and more. To learn from me. I want my body to be studied and used while I'm alive rather than when I'm dead.

I want to go back to work I really do, but it will be a miracle in itself if I manage to get through so many hours, a full week, for 6 weeks. We have to set 3 goals for ourselves. I've been thinking about that since last night. Most people's goal is to return to work or volunteer. If I was able to volunteer outside the home, I would choose work. If I could handle being out and about, I would rather bring in some income for my family.

Unless it was to volunteer at the program, similar program or help others with RSD. Then that would be my pay, I would feel richer than any doing that.

Maybe my calling lies in this somewhere...

I know in my heart this illness was placed upon me for a reason...

A reason I just don't understand completely yet...

____________________________________________________________

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar". Hellen Keller
____________________________________________________________

And no more peanut butter cookies
sheesh

Until next time...

Sacramento's Tent City

2009-04-08T05:34:00.000-07:00

Because times have become so rough, millions of layoff's, the economy being in down road spiral an area of Sacramento has been filled with hundreds of homeless people. The area has come to be known as Tent City. There are tents everywhere in a somewhat secluded area, but not unseen from cars passing and some onlookers. Families, children, bbq's, some without tents, taken in by other homeless. Only a few cars owned, many bicycles, tables.

Tent City is being cleared. A grant has been approved to help these people in shelters, store their belongings while their in the shelter. But... one only gets a night and a hot meal. Worse cases a couple of days and a meal.

Many don't want hand outs, they are surviving the best that they can. These aren't the typical bums or homeless sleeping under bridges, or lazy people who really don't care to work and instead live off others handouts.

These people lost everything. Their jobs, their homes were foreclosed on. Where else do they go? It could have been us. My husband has been unemployed since late November after working for the same company 13 years. A major mass layoff from a company that survived world war 2. They didn't go out of business, they relocated to another state thinking it would save them costs, labor dollars, etc. The man could have taken a transfer, but where would we have gone when we got there? Instead he took his severance package, he cashed out his 401 and a small pension. It is what we are living off of. Luckily I recieved a good chunk of back pay in late October to go with this. We lost our retirement future, but we will not lose our home that we purchased April 15 of last year. Nor will be become homeless, we won't lose our minor son as a result. Our glass is still half full. We figure considering it all. We're still on middle ground.

Leave the people in Tent City Alone

They aren't hurting anyone, they are helping one another, when someone gets work, they share with one another. They have no address so they will not qualify for any type of aid. This also makes getting a job tough.

Usually people compain that lazy people are sucking up all our resources, increase our taxes because of welfare, AFDC and programs like this. Normally I would agree.

I cannot agree now.

So a few people don't like the scenery when they travel and look over to it. Imagine how many neighborhoods across the country that are torn down, beat up, ghetto poor that's always existed. The dirty projects we have to pass on the way to work, or to the store, doctor appointments, school.

People always have something to bitch about, but they aren't the ones in the hole.
I'm certain if they were and there was no where for them to go...they'd go camping too.

There are other smaller tent cities it's just that this one made news headlines several times. The ones now will just pack up and move on to another before letting the city governments make their choices and I hope they do. A day or a couple in shelter gives them what? It gives them a notice that they can no longer stay. With the amount of money they received in grants. $250,000 to start and another $150,000 in the last week or about, they could restore a dump and give them more permanent housing. I would propose a 3 month stay that includes an address, or vacant buildings that are similar to shelters, so they can pick themselves back up. I'm sure $350,000 could rent a couple auditorium type buildings for 6 months to a year and provide 2 groups to stay their 3 months. That could help atleast 300 people at a time. If they're living in tents, I doubt they would complain to live somewhere like this that was more permanent and would actually help them. I would sleep on a cot next to my Master with our son next to us in the corner of a shelter type building if it meant a semi permanent address so he could get work if we were in the same position as those people. Thank God, were not. But can you see how my heart goes out to them? The hard times put them there.

If that's all there was...

We would and we could call it home. My Master would retain his independence, honor and integrity. If there was no plan like this... We'd stay in our tent and go where we would be harder to find.

That's all these families are trying to do.

Leave them be!

Until next time...

An Outing to the Carnival

2009-04-06T01:04:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning this one wasn't feeling very well. Emotions got the better of her. As the day went on and especially after she got her shower, she began to feel better about the things that put her in the emotional state.

When evening time came, her Master paused the wrestling match to go get her a bigger tv for the room she's staying in. Gotta love Craigslist. Why pay when a person can get decent for free. Nothing wrong with it but a nob and once he set it up to cable and programmed the remote control. A nearly flawless 27in.

On his way home he called to tell our daughter to get herself and our grandson ready to go to the carnival as it would only be open another 2 hours. They had been asking to go for a couple of days. It comes every 3 months and stays Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's a fairly large one too. Atleast 20 rides for both adults and smaller kids. And a mini-fairway or midway of games. Our son went with him to get the tv, so he was ready and excited to go already.

When they got home, this one mentioned to them she was thinking about trying to go with them. They were all so happy.

This one put on a little makeup, her hair was already fresh from her shower, she changed out of her nightie and into some loose tan summer pants and a matching tan sleeveless.

It was still really nice out. She wore her black thin fuzzy flip flops. Haven't been able to wear shoes for 8 years. During heavy rain and when absolutely necessary she has a pair of shoes with built in orthodics, they make her swell while wearing them and up to a day or so after from the pressure where the foot was originally damaged. The torn tendens never healed correctly and it's also the site of the original nerve damage. So her flip flops do her best nearly all year long. They're not fuzzy enough for people to notice, but enough for her feet to notice and that's a good thing.

She went with her family. Of course couldn't go on any rides or anything but just being with them made her happy. She had to use her wheelchair which has become more frequent the last 6 months or so, but once she accepted it as a tool that enables her to go out and be with her Master and the family it has truly made a difference. Cannot walk well or for long.

She dislikes her cane and her cane dislikes her. We just don't get along. Am not coordinated enough for it to be this ones friend. It's not even a love hate relationship. The only thing it helps one with is trying to get up a hill. For her birthday in October, he bought her a walking stick.Stick is an understatement though. It's huge, very long or tall, Some call them a Moses staff. That helps her more than a cane ever did. She doesn't use it often, but when she does or needs to it's definately another tool of independence for her.

Had a few pictures taken tonight. Finally some current ones. Still waiting to see the others off the other cam. Will post a couple of the new ones to the side of my blog.

While she didn't go on any rides she did play a couple of games. The tossing of the little balls into the floatie cups didn't go well. she did get a little animal mask and gave it to our grandson. Then the throwing of the darts at the balloons.. always loved that one. The tossing of the little balls was safe for her to do, since she tossed them underhand and the balls are extremely light. She had to play that dart game. She was careful, didn't raise her hand above her head and pop, miss, pop. Master was playing too, pop, pop, pop. We won a medium sized mirror, decided to play again. This time we upgraded and got a large one and a small one. He chose Unicorns. It's really nice. She chose an I Love You.

It was fun. Everyone really had a blast. Oh the grandson did scream a fit when it was time to go though. After his Grandpa spoke to him, he settled down fairly quickly.

Loved the last minute outting to the carnival.

Until next time...

Emotional Emotions

2009-04-05T13:38:00.000-07:00

This one's Master woke her about 11:00am to tell her to take her meds and she did. He didn't tell her to get up, just to get those meds down. She woke up about an hour later, sat up, and stared at her laptop which is on a stand right next to the bed. She took the less important of her meds. The Morphine and Cymbalta is what he told her to take. Those have to be taken properly and on a schedule. Her son brought her some iced coffee all the makings of a wonderful start to her day.

Within a half hour she started crying. Her stimulator wasn't working right, she figured she slept wrong, bending her back, easy to happen especially in ones sleep. There was pressure on her back, not really uncommon, it's healing back there, or should be. She started to get overly emotional that she just went through all this for nothing. Not true, it was for something. She called her Master in to take off her collar because she thought it might be interfering, it's only been back on 2 days. Kind of like when a baby gets an allergic reaction, remove anything new from the baby, like detergents or food. As she lowered her head for him to remove it, she started bawling even worse, she held back as best she could. He understood her feelings though. Her collar takes a screw and allen wrench, it's the one she got for Christmas, an Eternity collar. While it may seem weird to some, that collar is her freedom. All her collars are her freedom. She does not like when it's not there. He's going to look for one of her others, or buy her another in the meantime if need be.

Then she took her temperature and it said 32.9. No! That's impossible. Her emotions started turning to annoyance. The battery must be going out in it. She's been running between 81 and 89.

Then she tried to go potty (yeah that kind) It hurt! because of the pressure on her spine, no doubt.

One supposes because all this smacked her in the face at one time is the reason she feels detached from herself still.

She'll be getting her shower soon. The man is putting our son a computer together now and she hasn't called him to tell him she's ready. After waiting all these days for one, at the moment she doesn't care anymore. But have to do it. Everything is ready, clean towels, a seperate cloth to pat the areas dry, etc.

Have to get it done within the hour no matter what because the man ordered ppv wrestling for him and his son to watch and it starts at 3:00p.m.

Until later...

Still No Shower For You Girl

2009-04-03T17:19:00.000-07:00

She went to have her staples removed yesterday and was a ginea pig wench for a girl in the office who's learning to remove staples and outter stitches. Have known this girl for quite awhile and wasn't hesitant to have her learn on me. She did really well, felt little discomfort, no more than a slight tug in one or two of the 17 total. Then the doc this one see's often, not her pain manager/surgeon came in to look her over. This ones butt area looks really good, but the incision on her back we have to watch carefully. There's redness and it's not healing as quickly as the other incision. She see's her actual pain manger next week April 8th. Have been able to cut down on the Norco's since yesterday. It was much easier to try and sleep without having those medling pieces of metal fragments in ones body. Was not allowed to take a shower as planned. Ugh. Back to the baby wipes and such.

In better and more wonderful news

During a phone call this morning we learned that...

Our daughter passed AIT and is not getting sent home on a medical discharge but instead is coming home to visit soon before being deployed.

Knew she could do it.

Until next time...

No Shower for You

2009-04-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

She was suppose to be able to shower today and isn't allowed to anymore. Not until after getting her staples out tomorrow. Last evening she was resting to try to sleep but then she stood up to go to the rest room and when she came back to the bedroom and was about to get positioned back onto the bed, she reached behind her to make sure her nightie was down all the way, she noticed the bandaged had slipped off the tape, her hand was wet, when she brought it forward, two of her fingers were covered in dark blood. She called her son in, her Master was mowing the front lawn, she asked him how bad it was, he called his dad in. The man had her lay down to check it, it wasn't that bad, the upper part of the stitching/stapling (theres stitches beneath the staples) came open a bit. He cleaned it and re bandaged it.

When the the assistant and her pain management called this morning to tell her the doctor okayed a refill of Norco, which yesterday she was told not until Thursday, this one told the assistant about the blood. It was then she was told not to shower and to wait until after the staples are removed.

A week of baby wipes, fem wipes, and sponge bathing has not been fun. The fem wipes do smell pretty though. lol.

Have had to be even more careful now because am not sure how open it is back there. It hasn't bled like that since. So all is well.

Fell asleep fairly early last night. Just didn't sleep well, it was hard to move and her left leg was not doing well. It's still hurting pretty good. Pain level there about an 8. That's the leg on the same side as the other incision in butt cheek. Think it's pain radiating from one area to the other. Might be stiff muscles too from not being able to get into a good sitting or laying position.

Ohhhh this one's owner has a job interview today.. working from home dispatching for the same company he was laid off from. He wouldn't be working for the old company directly though, instead sub contracting through another.

He already headed out for it...

Until next time...

When Sleep Finally Came...

2009-03-30T19:32:00.000-07:00

Sleep did finally come for this one. She slept all day yesterday and into today until around noon-time. It really did her good. She did wake a few times. Laying in one position to avoid pain from movement didn't do her so well. She's not suppose to be pushing with her hands or arms but had to in order to help lift her body in the turns or adjustments. She was just careful to not push hard. She didn't hurt herself while doing so and didn't feel any added pressure to her spine.

The man changed her bandages a couple of hours ago. No pics this time. lol. He said it looks really good back there. When she had her first SCS surgery there was terrible bruising. This time there isn't, not as of yet anyhow. There are no visual signs of infection. Seem everything is just going great at this point.

A new friend told this one about something called Natural Calm. You can get it at most health food stores. It's completely natural so won't interfere with medication. It helps relax a body, and can help alleviate pain and help with sleep.

This one has already asked her owner if he would consider getting her some. He said yes. Hopefully will have it in the next couple of days. One thinks because it's natural it would be good for him to take also.

Am thinking this will be even great after the healing of the surgery. It may help even in decreasing the chronic pain. It's a possibility at least. Of course she doesn't know yet as she hasn't tried it, but is looking forward to letting others know if it does. If it may not help in one area the chances are it may in another, so would still be worth it.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Until next time....

4 Days of Insomnia

2009-03-29T04:10:00.000-07:00

This one doesn't understand why she's still awake. She's on her 4th day without any sleep beyond an hour at a single given time or a few dozers of 15-30 minutes. That's all. It hurts to sit up, but it's more tolerable than laying down. Am doing okay considering it all. When she tries to lay down, getting all the pillows tucked around her, she ends up staring out the bedroom window, just watching the subtle breeze of evenly nice weather blow lightly the leaves on the tree. She watches as the sunlight becomes stronger and it's rays bring warmth to her face right through the sliding glass windows. When she lays that direction she always pulls the curtains partially open just a few inches and at the most 10. She'll set her bottle of water or juice in the window sill for easy reaching. She doesn't even have to extend her hand more than 2-3 inches to take a sip. She gets wrapped up in thought as she gazes about.

Sleep hasn't yet come.

Normally, she tends to sleep alot, right now, it's just not coming back.

She ends up rolling back over carefully to face the spacious surroundings. She pulls herself up to the edge of the bed, bringing her laptop stand closer. Other than using the rest room, she's sat for hours at a time leaning just a little to her left being careful that with that lean she doesn't bend her spine any. She's sure she already has however minimal. it's a challenge to not reach out for an object, or lean over to grab hold of something. A hair brush, turn the fan on, usually simple things. She picked her sons jacket up from the floor earlier, a total no no, but she didn't even realize it. When the cat was demanding to be fed, she fed him, again not realizing that she was bending to do so, she was scolded that time. Of course she knows it was for her own well being. It takes more than will power and more than someone who one has relinguished control to. It takes self determination. Perhaps even self mastery.

She has to constantly be aware that she cannot do these things. She cannot wait for her owner to catch her in the "oh shit, she spaced it again" accidental act. She knows better, she has to remember to know better and apply it immediately before the unintentional act occurs. A conscious mental sticky note in mind at all times. Self awareness.

No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

Whether owned, mastered, proptery, submissive or a slave to another it also takes self reliance under these types of circumstances.

The eagerness to please him is still there. This one needs to show him she is capable of accomplishing this. It is her body and she does need to take care of it. That might sound a bit oxymoronish. She's his in all ways, but it's her body to take care of. She is pretty sure most of you know what she means. He already takes care of this one well. She needs to remember to do better and keep in mind that the doctor gave her several restrictions.

A good example would be that the tape keeping her bandages in place has been making her itch and she was scratching, and her Master walked in to check on her and she got caught, and he firmly said STOP. she continued to get in another little dig while he was speaking, oh gosh, it was driving her nuts. She caught his glare and she stopped. He doesn't need to babysit her. He shouldn't have to, nor is it really his responsibiity. He told her no from there she obeys or disobeys.

She rather have him happy with her and the choice she made to.... obey him.

Sleep must be coming soon. This body aches so very much. It has to regenerate and rejuvinate or it will fall so very far behind in things. Surgical pain on top of chronic nerve damage pain is nearly sending her over the edge... on the other hand it's so much, she almost feels nothing at all. A numbness of sorts. Not in body, but in mind.

She needs to heal well. Really want to play with that Wii fit darnit!

This one really is independent you know, can peel an orange all by herself.

Yep, she can. ~grins

Until next time...

(which might be later if she doesn't sleep)

___________________________________

"I never saw a wild thing- sorry for itself. A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough- without ever having felt sorry for itself" ~D.H. Lawrence.

___________________________________

Yesterday Was Better (Bandages changed- Pics Included.

2009-03-28T13:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was better than today. Am thinking the there was still some local left over from the day before and that is why. She hurts like hell today. Laying down hurts even worse. Been sitting up for the most part, with her legs crossed in indian style, trying to keep her spine straight as she has to be very careful not to screw up this new lead.

The man took his son and sons friend to the movies today. In fact they are still not home. This one is fairing decently on her own. Really wanted them to go and so let them know over and over it was really okay to leave her. Can get to the rest room fairly well without help, just have to take baby steps and use the walls for support. The walker is nearby too if needed, but am okay without it.

Have no appetite at all.

Blood is coming through her bandages but not saturated, should be fine until he's home to change them for her.

The center called in Cephalexin to the pharmacy before she went into the OR. Even heard the nurse make the call. Well the pharmacy isn't filling it. They sent her Master home with 4 for her, she took them the first day home. She's suppose to be taking them every 4 hours. And the doctor was serious about her not missing a single dose. She hasn't any since. WC pays for all this, supposedly the pharmacy said they didn't get the authorization to fill it. She's kind of not believing that, would believe more that after giving her a few to take home without an authorization, someone didn't fax them on time. Jeez could already be infecting.

While she's writing this the man just called and said he's going back to the pharmacy, they're open today and if it's still not been filled, he's going to find out how much it is cash pay.

Lysol isn't going to stop infection from within her body. Just hoping the antibiotic IV bag they gave her is still helping until she gets the others.

The Norco's barely decrease the pain from the incisions, stinging and bruising. Morphine and Norco together just makes her so high, she's distracted. Better than nothing. Last night she took a 15mg of Morphine, 1 Norco, 2, 0.5mg of Klonopin, 2 Tizanadine...and her ass was knocked out fast. Just didn't stay that way more than a half hour. But was way loopy loopy lah lah even so.

All this aside, her mood is good, her attitude is positive and she can't wait for any possibility of better things to come. If even for a little while.

Really really really am hopeful

Until next time...

Edited to add after posting- The man cashed paid for her antibiotics and will be home shortly.

The Day After SCS Surgery

2009-03-27T05:20:00.000-07:00

Cross-posted with slight edits from CM's Gorean Philos/GwD Thread
(Saving typing hands and strokes by doing so)

This one had her surgery yesterday. She had her current lead/wire on her spine adjusted as it moved up and tilted to the left. This first lead that she's had for over 2 years now covers her from her waist on down, but not as far down as her toes.

Her Pain Manager/surgeon added an additional lead to the right, so with luck she will be getting better relief on that side soon. He was going to relocate her internal battery which is located in her right butt cheek, but she cannot remember if he did so or not. She only knows that that area was re cut open also. So she's presuming so. She's bandaged from a bit above the center of her back downward and to the right. No shower for 6 days Ickies. Will be sponge bathin and she has baby wipes and girlie wipes standing by for that fresher feel. She gets her staples out on the 8th day and follows up for a Post Op 1 week after that to make sure she is healing correctly.

She did not sleep well last night, fell off to sleep for about 15-30 minutes a few times, but couldn't stay asleep. Between the spine itself hurting and already feeling the stitches, staples and incisions stinging it's pretty rough. She can't extend her arms out too far, so either has to talk via cell phone texting, phone, or with laptop closer than having to reach arms out far. She has a laptop tray that's like a bedtray that's adjustable on legs as well as on the table part. So she can get it close above the bed. Have moved into a more spacious bedroom of the home. One with not a lot of items in it because she wants to be as independent as possible.

With objects around, as in our own room (tv stands, dressers, wall unit etc and more) it would have been more difficult and the chances increase of falling or tripping, plus harder to get herself up from a much larger bed which rests lower than this one. With this bed she's using now and since she's a shortie, once she gets herself sitting upright she can roll off the side of the bed and to her feet. Her walker is near bye in case she needs help, she can set the breaks and pull herself to her feet.

Not going to complain, this is suppose to be a good thing. ~smiles.

2 months down time though in order that the new lead takes to the spine without migrating or rejecting. She'll be meeting with Medtronic soon also, either the day her staples are removed or the following week to be re programmed as her previous programming was wiped out for the surgery.

This one is looking very forward to playing the Wii Fit her owner bought for her days ago. This will be a good way to help her exersise and have fun with the family all at the same time. She doesn't like the way the game talks back to her though. lol. When he set it up for her the night before (it sets ones weight, bmi and then ones goes through a few simple coordination exercises, the game voice said "You are too slow, your age has been increased to 50". ~smirks

After healing, she's looking forward to a better next few months. May get a year out of this. ~smiles

Good luck to Snow, will be thinking of you during your surgery today.
Good luck to d when seeing the surgeon today
Good luck to j with your surgery today.

Best wishes each of you,

Until next time...