2nd day completed at CFRP

It's been a tiring last 2 days. I'm still learning what's expected of me in the program. I'm making goals, changing patterns, adding routine, doing Yoga 3 times a day, doing relaxation for 30 minutes a day, memory mastering, bio feedback and so much more.

Today I did my first bio feedback session. I'm not in the "Zone" yet, but once I am and can retain it, I can move on to the next level. This measures ones heart rate as a person begins to meditate in a sense, beginning with breathing, calming and going to "a happy place" in ones mind and staying there. I'll be able to give more information later once I learn more.

I also did mirror therapy. Some may have heard of mirror box therapy where you trick a damaged limb into thinking it's really there and normal. IT REALLY WORKS. Will talk more about this another time also. Tomorrow is only my 3rd day.

I don't have extra time in the morning and the evening is for my family and to achieve goals. When I set these goals they have to be completed and discussed by the next day.

I have already cut down on 3 total meds. I started on my own a few days ago and told my doctor when I met with him today. I have completely stopped Zanaflex/Tizanadine, Klonopin/Clonazapam and Neurontin.

When I jump into something I tend to jump head first. If I can keep off them is yet to be seen. I'm feeling some withdrawals, but handling it.

Tomorrow I start walking (ugh) and being tortured (bigger UGH)

I'm quite sore already, I think the sitting has been worse than the standing as of yet, but butt hurts bad. My SCS decreases with activity, or increases with opposite activity, so that's tough because it's not continuous stimulation through my legs.

My work book is thick and other than assignments is full of valuable information. I'll be cutting down on caffeine (ouch) and not having any after 5 p.m. I'm limiting myself to 3 cups a day at this time until I can get by with only one cup in the morning to wake up with.

I'll also discuss in further detail later about the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight).

I may repeat myself here at times, my short term memory is probably not repairable from the high doses of Neurontin, the time I've been on it and pain itself, but who knows, maybe.

I did learn 5 new words today forward and backwards. I'll explain more about this later also. If I get some time this weekend, maybe I'll try then.

After I've completed this program I'll write an entire essay/article/complilation of all of it in hopes that I can teach others or atleast a beneficial read. I will eventually wean away from doing many RSD/CRPS related things that I do now. While it may seem strange, my doctors want me to and I didn't understand why at first because I've been complimented by them all and they give my site out at program etc.

It has nothing to do with having not done well.

More along the lines of having done too well.

I have succeeded and accomplished something really great.. It's time to move forward.

Until next time...

Tenative Schedule, Thoughts and Things

I start my program in 2 more days and have come up with a tenative schedule to begin with. I'll set the alarm for 6:45 a.m. We would have to be out of the house by 7:50 a.m since I have to be there by 8:30 a.m. I'll have my clothes laid out the night before and either take a bath the night before or a shower first thing in the morning. I'm not sure yet. I should figure it out by trying both during the first week. I know that I will have to keep morning activity and moving about to a minimum since I'll need my energy/legs at the program. I get out at 4:00 p.m, so should be home by 5:00 p.m. Compass is right next to my pain management center and from that office there's a huge window attaching both centers. Anyone in the clinic are able to see into Compass. I'll have my lunch ready the night before, too. Everything ready so that each day starts with little to do before heading out.

I'll have coffee for breakfast, I don't eat in the morning. i may try to get into the habit of doing so, though. Even if it's a bowl of cheerios or an apple or something small. Maybe some toast.

Even though there are places to go for lunch around the center, I would never make walking it, so will be having lunch at the program each day.

In the evening when I get home, I'll spend it with the family out in the living room, make dinner, have dinner with family (this may not begin until the second week) and return to our bedroom around 7:00 p.m. to try to wind down and sleep.

Unfortunately it takes my body longer to rejuvenate, so I need more sleep, when I'm able to sleep that is.

I've already cut my meds down on my own to prepare me for the first week. I've been withdrawing some. Feeling a bit out of it, but it's nothing like when I went through severe withdrawals from Morphine months back. One medication I know won't be cut at all is the Morphine. I'll remain on that. Tizanadine, Neurontin and Klonopin is what's been cut. This should help my mind and my memory, already my pain has increased as a result.

It's one of those things that you're damned if you do and damned if you don't.

When I come to our room at night, I'll check the pain group and respond as needed. I've already spoken to the owner and the senior leader about my absense the next 6 weeks. I'm fine and my position is solid at this time.

I'll be keeping a diary of my participation in the program because even though I'll be there, doing all that is required, I still may forget details, so this will help me remember.

I don't know what the heck to do with my hair. It's become so long that after washing and conditioning it, it takes me 20 minutes to comb out. This is going to drive me coo coo. I may have it fully braided, not necessarily beaded, but that way, it's ready to go for atleast a week at a time. Otherwise will pull it to the left side and twist it (similar to a braid, but 2 parts instead of 3). Since my bangs have grown past my chin I've been twisting or braiding them often to keep them out of my eyes.

I'm not sure as of yet if I will check my email or anything else when on lunch break. My phone has full internet capability and I've never used that feature. I've used yahoo messenger, windows live and aim on it, but have never used it to log into any site. He pays $30 a month for me to have that feature and I don't use it. I do use the email feature though. One email address, a tmoble one, I've never even given out, so it just remains idle. Atleast it's clean from junk.

The man already got his fathers day gift early. A G1. That phone is awesome! I've never been interested in newer or fancier phones, but that one? I can't wait to get it as a hand me down. Right now I have a SideKick which he bought off our daughter for me for $60 when she paid $300. I don't even know how to use most of what's on it. It's good for sexting though. hehe, um, I mean texting. Have never even used the camera on it when on my old phone I often did. Have had it since Christmas time when bubbles came home on leave from the Army.

I'm really going to need the man to keep me doing what I learn in the program after it's completed. It's different when you have a team of doctors/people pushing you, leading you, supporting you and then coming home and possibly dropping all that was learned. Have to incorporate the lessons into everyday life.... forever. Or it won't do much good for the future.

Have been thinking about life after the 6 weeks alot. I'm going to be re conditioned by people, men, other than my own Master. This bothers me.

I'm going to have to learn to trust others that aren't him. Other men touching me, and yet another getting into my mind.
~rubs her temples

Just don't know about that. I'm not confortable spending all but maybe 2 hours a day with people other than my family.

Contrary to popular belief, I'm actually quite shy. I'm playful and outgoing, but I'm not used to being touched by others.

When I went through my meetings to be considered a candidate, I was asked questions by the psychologist I didn't care for. I answered honestly, but I don't want it brought up again. It has nothing to do with this. If it is brought up again, I'm not sure how I'm going to respond, I do know it would begin with a stutter.

My collar in all the 5 years I've gone to the pain clinic has never been acknowledged or questioned openly. My slave bells have. For the first 4 years I went there, i wore bells, then I took them off for a surgery, we moved, and I didn't put them back on because I had 2 other surgeries following quickly after. I have them again. I was honest, I told them what they were.

I do vaguely remember one surgery in which when I was placed under anesthesia I started babbling. lol. ~blushes. Oh yeah, I babbled about that. Ya'll know what that is, dontcha?
Slavery.

It's never been brought up since.

Well I think I've babbled enough...

Until next time...

"If God brings you to it... He will bring you through it"

CFRP Start Date- May 26

The first 3 weeks of my 6 week functional restoration program has been authorized. I start next Tuesday, May 26th. My sister's bday is that day, too. We were both born on the 26th. Different months, though. 26 happens to be a number that comes up constantly in my life. Most of us consider our birthdays our lucky number, the number has been both good and not good for me, but one that always appears in most everything I do or am apart of. 2 of my surgeries were on the 26th, I was injured on the 26th, I've had court dates with the same number, just many significant days have been the same.

I am nervous as hell. My Master was contacted to do a first application submission process to work for PG&E. They contacted him based on experience and credibility, which is a really great thing, just don't know how many others have been contacted, too.

My Compass worker did tell me they would assist me with transportation if he is unable to take me to and from each day.

I start at 8:30 a.m and get out at 4:00 p.m each day.

Did I mention I'm nervous as hell?

Tuesday could be the first day of the rest of my life and 6 weeks full of the hardest things I've ever done.

Wear loose clothing means I'm going to be tortured. Tortured for my own good, but still.

I'm a chicken shit. See? ----> bawk bawk!!!

My meds will probably begin to be cut down next week as well. I agreed to all this when I begged to be considered as a candidate for this program. I always said I was willing to try anything, any trial, etc etc. I am.

After so many years,

I'm just not sure if I should cry now or later...

Until next time...

Feeling Overwhelmed

We went out of town on Wednesday and returned Friday evening. Even fun took it's toll on me. By the time we returned I couldn't sleep even though I tried and tried. Finally the next day I fell off to rest, waking this evening. Prior to us leaving my sister made it to a safe house for 3 days before getting on a plane back to Georgia. She got her job back already and will work from there to get her children returned. She had 3 broken ribs from husband, someone wanted to pimp her out, and another had nearly raped her. But she got to that safe house and made it back home. We had sent her some cash and mom and dad sent her a plane ticket.

The stress from it was tough, so we just bailed out of town.

I still feel overwhelmed though not exactly sure from what.. maybe everything. Maybe about the future, maybe yesterday, the present... all of it wrapped up into one, seperated into categories... pieces and parts.

It feels like some one has a tight hold on my spine and is twisting. Probably too early to have done all that sitting I did. 9 more days is 8 weeks post op. I have to charge my butt and am putting it off. Some thing I've never done before is leave home without my stim. I didn't realize it until half way to our destination. He was going to turn around and come back home, but I told him I could handle it and so we just continued on. I thought I could.

My spelling has become terrible to the point of sometimes needing a spell checker. My sentence structure is screwed. And it embarrasses me even if no one realizes it. I'm just not thrilled with things.

I am keeping up with leading the group well, but I'm not even sure how long I'll remain apart of it as I may need to leave it as a moderator eventually. It's hard to choose oneself over others. It's just not my nature.

Maybe some whiskey will do me good. lol. Throw back a few like a bar slut. Been there, done that. Few regrets, if any.

Maybe I should make an avatar and play in a chat room. Not like I'd be doing anything but playing, duh. But alas, nothing like that amuses me enough to try or stay.

Maybe I should be a phone sex op... oh wait, I already am. A year or so now. hahaha. It just doesn't rock my ship, float my boat, or wet the panties I don't have on. Haven't come across anyone that good.

I'm probably the one filing her nails while on the phone with you. ~ah well

The goal is to get you off, ya know. Never failed at that one.

Until next time...

Be good... or be good at it.

Simpli Splendiferous Moments

I made this video years ago after first finding out that ... well, I just wanted my family to know how much they meant to me and mean to me. It's on YouTube. My account there is twinkleEKV.

Hope you like it...






------------------------------

Until next time...

P.S Bia isn't my blood, instead a girl I raised for many years.

Susan Boyle- An Inspiration

Listening to this women's voice is like Wow! An inspiration in many aspects of life. One at her audition no one took her seriously. Never judge a book by it's cover. Two, just because a female isn't what most men would consider attractive, doesn't mean anything this time, she's making more money than you do. Three, her voice takes you into yourself and all your dreams come to light.

It doesn't matter if we're cute, if we've got a body a man would.. die for? Okay maybe a man wouldn't die for a hot body, but some would not hesitate to lay down with it.

They call her an under-dog. Why? Most likely because she doesn't possess the so called typical look. She's everyone that isn't absolutely perfect. A voice you'd never expect to hear.

How can that not be an inspiration when you hear her sing for the first time and you think... oh my fucking... you know. You're left in awe. Like no way. But it's quite the opposite, it's yes way. And you can relate...

Just because.

If you can relate you know why.. I don't need to go there. If you can't relate, I don't believe you because at one point in your life... or another... you have.

Susan is an inspiration to so many people who thought they'd never be anything. Thought their dreams could never come true, who thought they were just another someone.. anyone, all of us...

And who took a chance.

And made it.


Until next time...

Mom's Day & Lil Sis

Mom's day was both nice and stressful yesterday. Nice in that my Master and children made it good for me, stressful in that my brother in law wouldn't stop calling me. My sister ran away from him the night before. He wanted to know where she was, if she was coming here, if she'd be back for their court date on Tuesday, was she getting on the plane on the 15th to Georgia. And all the same questions and talk over and over and over.

I laid on in the sun yesterday, next to the kiddie lagoon pool, I tried to relax inside the water. Cool water helps my nerve damage, cold water worsens it. That water had been waiting for me since the day before. I laid out that day too for a little while as the man did repairs on the home.

I was gifted sterling silver slave bells. Yay! I've worn bells on my left ankle for years, with periods in between that I hadn't. I had indian leather wrapped around it before he put my new bells on. I got another set of EZ combs, one silver this time. I love silver. Am not a gold girl, unless it's white gold. I got bath beads, soaps, a rose. Was happy.

I came in from the pool about 2:30 p.m. Was asleep by 4p.m, other than the phone that kept ringing. Finally I asked my son to shut down the ringer. I really couldn't take it.
Woke up at 3:30 a.m this morning with 6 voice mails. Today being not a weekend anymore, I can't talk for free. We're on a minute plan.

I love my sister, but we're very different. Our lifestyles outside of any lifestyle is different.
She's my only blood sister. She'll be 38 this month. Can't say too much other than she's relapsed again. It's her husbands fault as well, they beat the crap out of eachother on a regular basis.

It's the kids I'm frantic over. They are all in foster care currently. In the last 2 years we have taken in 2 of my neices. I am just not well enough to do it again. And how do I choose one of 5 children to take? While the other 4 says how come auntie didn't take me?
Sad, very sad. I didn't need this now.

Not when I'm being given a chance to have a life again. A life specifically meant for my Master and his own kids.

I've been pushing myself to start some things before starting the Compass program. Being out in the living room again more, and outside the last couple of days. But I'm in so early and back to sleep. Tomorrow is my monthly appointment at Pain Management. Not sure yet if my meds will begin to be decreased at that time or not yet.

I don't like being involved in family squabbles, I don't like being put on the spot. But when backed into a situation, I'll do what I have to. And I did. Of course everyone that knows me even semi well knows that....... I'll never tell. No matter how many times the phone rings, I'm mailed, or I'm pressured.


The picture I added is of me and my lil sis. (Shuddup people, my legs haven't always been that spread with my boobie's popping out, ... okay, maybe)

Until next time..