We had such a great day yesterday. I prepped, cut, and seasoned all the meat for the grill. Buttered, seasoned the corn on the cob, wrapped it all in tin foil, etc etc. The man BBQ'd (I flipped some too lol)
A few kids that our own kids grew up with came over. Have known them since they were young teens and they're all in their early to mid 20's now. They're like family.
It was a great time. The babies played in the little pool. I was going to, but didn't.
Later we did fireworks at the edge of our drive-way and in the street. The 22 years prior we lived in a County that outlawed them. Here they aren't.
Was just a really good day. A full day. I paced myself as best I could. And it all turned out well.
Only a week or so left of my program. Either graduate on Friday or the following week.
3 of us graduated last Friday. I'm next.
Hope you all had a happy and safe 4th.
Until next time...
Sunday, July 05, 2009
Monday, June 29, 2009
Pacing and Replacing
Having learned these last several weeks to pace in all things it's come as a major relief that there will be something to fall back on.
Today though I was placed back on Morphine twice a day. In 2 weeks I start a treatment program using a med similar to Methadone, but called Suboxone. And actually the first of it's kind since Methadone in the last 30 years. It's also been used to treat pain. Still in clinical trials for that, so I'll be a test subject of sorts and I think that's okay with me. I say "I think" because I felt like a failure in many ways even though I've succeeded. I still started out with 7 types of medications a day, equaling more than 15 a day by intake and am only on 2 and when I quit the Morphine again it will just be replaced with the new. So just 3 intakes of pills a day.
I have to remember I have come far in such a short time. I have 8 days left until graduation. Weekends don't count.
I have to work on my "Self Talk". I'll discuss that at another time for those unsure of what it means.
Gosh, there's so much I've learned I haven't talked about yet. I know I've said I would and I will when I have more time. Might be a month from now when all that gets started.
In the meantime..
I truly wish each of you most well
Always breathe easy...
Until next time..
Today though I was placed back on Morphine twice a day. In 2 weeks I start a treatment program using a med similar to Methadone, but called Suboxone. And actually the first of it's kind since Methadone in the last 30 years. It's also been used to treat pain. Still in clinical trials for that, so I'll be a test subject of sorts and I think that's okay with me. I say "I think" because I felt like a failure in many ways even though I've succeeded. I still started out with 7 types of medications a day, equaling more than 15 a day by intake and am only on 2 and when I quit the Morphine again it will just be replaced with the new. So just 3 intakes of pills a day.
I have to remember I have come far in such a short time. I have 8 days left until graduation. Weekends don't count.
I have to work on my "Self Talk". I'll discuss that at another time for those unsure of what it means.
Gosh, there's so much I've learned I haven't talked about yet. I know I've said I would and I will when I have more time. Might be a month from now when all that gets started.
In the meantime..
I truly wish each of you most well
Always breathe easy...
Until next time..
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Cutting
In my previous post I mentioned cutting. While some may wonder why I added that at all.. it's my party and I'll cry if I want to. lol
Okay but seriously...
It was not for pity or attention... it was because people do do this. I've done it. Some can say those of us who have are crazy... (I am crazy lol). We aren't that crazy after all.
It is a release of sorts. For me pain diverts pain, a distraction. When you are barely holding on and you can't get rid of physical or emotion pain... it's a reaction.
That's all.
All in one sweep of my nails from my right fingers... I did it to my left arm. There wasn't any warning... it simply occurred. I had already done it to my upper wrist 2 days prior. I wear a scruncie on my wrist, so no one could see at program.
This has nothing to do with attempted suicide or suicidal ideations...
It's like a swimming pool full of water... and pulling the plug to let it out...
---
Until next time...
Okay but seriously...
It was not for pity or attention... it was because people do do this. I've done it. Some can say those of us who have are crazy... (I am crazy lol). We aren't that crazy after all.
It is a release of sorts. For me pain diverts pain, a distraction. When you are barely holding on and you can't get rid of physical or emotion pain... it's a reaction.
That's all.
All in one sweep of my nails from my right fingers... I did it to my left arm. There wasn't any warning... it simply occurred. I had already done it to my upper wrist 2 days prior. I wear a scruncie on my wrist, so no one could see at program.
This has nothing to do with attempted suicide or suicidal ideations...
It's like a swimming pool full of water... and pulling the plug to let it out...
---
Until next time...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
This Past Week In Review (ending 6/26)
1. I said much more than I would have under previous circumstances. It's not the past anymore, I'll never be what I once was, but I am now what destiny led me toward.
2. Our sons graduation from the 6th grade was very awesome. I walked on my own 2 feet. While in the past I would dwell on what I couldn't do, I now smile at what I can do. I've now come to realize that 7 minutes can really get me real far.
3. I graduate from my FRP approx. July 17th. I have a couple of make up days.
4. I'm listening to music a lot more again. For years that's what I would do if on the comp or cleaning, etc. For over 2 years, I've barely listened at all. Pain even made music go away.
It's back!
5. I did more than crash and burn the other night, I got drunk while withdrawing and cut myself across my entire left arm from shoulder down, upper wrist, it's like what's stuck inside in one place, I let out another. .... well, what's done is done.
6. I didn't get 5150'd, 'tis a good thing too, I might have resisted arrest. Phew!
7. I've lost a lot of weight.
8. It feels so good to be bad and so bad to be good.
9. Everyday is a learning experience.
10. No regrets.
---
Until next time...
2. Our sons graduation from the 6th grade was very awesome. I walked on my own 2 feet. While in the past I would dwell on what I couldn't do, I now smile at what I can do. I've now come to realize that 7 minutes can really get me real far.
3. I graduate from my FRP approx. July 17th. I have a couple of make up days.
4. I'm listening to music a lot more again. For years that's what I would do if on the comp or cleaning, etc. For over 2 years, I've barely listened at all. Pain even made music go away.
It's back!
5. I did more than crash and burn the other night, I got drunk while withdrawing and cut myself across my entire left arm from shoulder down, upper wrist, it's like what's stuck inside in one place, I let out another. .... well, what's done is done.
6. I didn't get 5150'd, 'tis a good thing too, I might have resisted arrest. Phew!
7. I've lost a lot of weight.
8. It feels so good to be bad and so bad to be good.
9. Everyday is a learning experience.
10. No regrets.
---
Until next time...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
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