Dad's Motorcycle Accident

On April 14th I was awoken to a call from my mom. She said "Hi, honey" and right away I knew there was something wrong. In my half awake, partially comatose state, I could sense something different in her voice and in just those two words.

My dad (step) had been in a bad motorcycle accident. He was in critical condition. They thought he had punctured his Aorta, kidneys and so forth. He has a sliver fracture at his spine.

It was his birthday.

On Saturday, the 17th, he was fitted for outer braces the second option to allow him to heal so the fracture doesn't move and paralyze him. The other option was surgery where a steel brace would be implanted on both sides.

I was so scared. Mom married this man, who happened to be her high school sweet heart 7 years after I closed my own dad's eyes who died of lung cancer in my husband's home in 1991. I took care of my dad while he passed. He came to our home to pass on, instead of remaining in the hospital to do it.

I took on all the responsibilities at 22, married 5 years, 2 daughters and mom came with. My husband and his father took care of the funeral and the military salutes. Bless my father in law who passed on a year after, an mom in law who passed on a year after that.

Our children had one grandparent left and that was my mom. I continued to care for her for years until we got her an apartment of her own a block down the street to try to live again independently.

They were married 25 years.

A few years after, she had a dream one night about the old days and woke with a name on her mind. Her old boyfriend, Don. She contacted his mother who was in Sacramento and from there she met up wit him again.

To make a long story shorter they were married in 1998. Yesterday was their anniversary.

When I first found out of the accident, I was so fearful. I worried about mom needing support, I prayed he wouldn't die, I couldn't even get there.

My immediate family other than my man, and children are in Georgia.

Not only would there have been an issue with monies, but of traveling. Scraping up the funds for 1 round trip ticket to Atlanta would be one thing, transporting myself would be another. I would be wheelchair bound.. all I could think of was.... how? The next thought was to take my son with as he grew up with my disabilities and could care for me even at 13. But then... more $$$.

I was so relieved to find dad's been alert and even playful at times, ornery too.

Mom and dad both work. At the same store. Dad retired years ago and has that income, but now may be forced to retire again.

He's still in the hospital and it will be a long recovery and life will be different.

The Harley's been destroyed. A freak accident. He avoided hitting a critter in the road which was the cause of losing control of the bike.

I just hope all stays the same or gets better... it's still a critical time of knowing all for sure.

Until next time...

3 Weeks Post Pain Block

I had a really good 4 days of pain relief. The pain crept back up so quickly and I think the change in the barometric pressure added to it again.

My body tells me when it's about to rain. It goes crazy days before. I've been pushing myself to have some sort of routine. At best it's dinner for the men each night. I'm not very active at all, my legs only have so much time in a day to keep me up. I plan that up time for preparing supper. I serve them their plates, wash up the dishes and I'm down again. Sometimes I eat, sometimes I don't.

This illness continues to suck the life out of me. It's not just the pain, no energy at all.

I'm often back in bed right after dinner is taken care of. Try to relax to a little tv. Wait and hope to fall asleep and stay asleep, but I'm lucky to get 2 hours at a time.

Sometimes I try to knock myself out with OTC pm meds. (Tylenol PM, etc) I just don't stay asleep. I can never get comfortable.

My body seizers often, myoclonic jerks partially due to Dystonia which I ended up with secondary to CRPS. It's like some one pushed me hard, jerked me violently. I've hit myself in the face before when my shoulders and arms jerked. It's scary.

They are completely uncontrollable. Never know when it's coming. It's all night long and only recently starting when I'm upright or trying to walk. It's usually always been in a laying position.

Every so often, I'm found sitting up in bed in indian style, but asleep. It's the only way to ease the jerking. I assume that's why I do it. They'll let me know to lay back down and I do, but sometimes I do it again not knowing I'm doing it. I find myself sitting up all the time.

I worry over it, but what can a girl do?

I don't use my wheel chair in the home. I use my legs. But it's getting harder and harder. I have to pace myself.

Really that's the only reason they get dinner... pacing. If I over do it, we all lose out.

Our daughters have been moved out for about 6 weeks now I think. I'm the sole female here. 2 men, the son and I.

I may be having 2 more blocks set up at my next pain management appointment. A few days of eased pain isn't much and some mind think not even worth the risk, but in my situation it is worth the breather I get when pain decreases enough for me to smile and mean it.

I'm reconsidering having the nerves severed permanetly. If I do it, I may never walk again. I wouldn't feel my foot/leg.

There are no good options with this illness. Learning to manage ones own pain with the assistance of a pain management clinic is all we can do.

Visual imagery, meditation, distraction, mobilities, meds, spinal cord stimulation and physical therapy.

Move it or lose it.


Until next time

Friday Night @ The River's Edge

It was a great time in many ways and in a few others not so good. Me, I had a blast! I danced with others on the dance floor, I flirted, teased, just had lots of fun. I was hoping I would since I had to be in the surgery center yesterday for a LSNB (pain block). We'll get back to that in a minute.

Back to the bar.. they had a live DJ, quite a few people I know were there, including a man I've known for about 20 years. He's getting married. First marriage for both him and his girl. I'm really happy about that and happy for him.

It was suppose to be a belated birthday gathering as one daughter turned 22 on the 11th and the other 21 on the 15th.

All the couples they grew up with came, we must have had 20 people there not including ourselves. It turned out to be more of a party for the oldest than the youngest and I felt really bad.

One daughter let all her friends know to be there, the other didn't. sighs

Something happened later and 2nd daughter and 1st daughters baby daddy split and walked home. sigh sigh sigh

We spent the night in West Sac that night at their apt and took a cab there. No drinking and driving!

Came home the next morning.

As for my time at the pain and diagnostics surgery center yesterday morning. I came home and slept like I haven't in months. I'm sore from the injections and have some pain from my illnesses, but I'm happy with the results, just worried it won't last long. I go back to pain management tomorrow to either change my meds or set up additional blocks. Those are my only options at this time.

In photo- Jessica, Ebony, Me, Kharisma and Leslie

Until next time...

Comedian John Caparulo

It was a great show at the Punch Line in Downtown Sacramento they said. Sadly I wasn't able to make it, but the man and his daughters did.

I really wish I could have attended but I'm afraid I'd have ended up a party pooper that day.

I'm soooo glad they enjoyed it.


Until next time...

They Left the Nest

The girls moved out already. It came really fast. Originally when it was sprung on us, it would have been around the first. Not! It was Tuesday! Up and out! They still have much to move out of here. Everything really. Only took a few items. Haven't seen them since.

We had a few appointments on Tuesday. Prior to heading out, we were told they may get the apartment that day.

While we were out and about we got another call that they did in fact get it and the keys to move in as well.

After the appointments we went and bought them major necessities like toiletries, silverware, hand towels, kitchen stove mittens, food, broom, mop, cleaning supplies and so forth.

The girls turn 22 and 21 next month. While they both already got their birthday gifts early, in a way they got even more.

They are suppose to return this weekend to continue moving out their belongings.

I really didn't think it would come so fast. I am glad though that they had a plan of action and executed it.

Soon we'll be re painting and cleaning the carpets. Yay.

Our son has 2 rooms now. One for his bedroom and another for his Studio. (He writes and mixes music)

We'll soon have a new addition to the home. One who will use the 2 room addition. Double yay!!!

I'll now be the only female in the home. Eeeps!

Quite a change.

It's much more peaceful already. I don't have to worry about asking them to get their own chores done, clean up their own messes, watch the grandson, etc.

Now we can visit one another, they can come home for holidays or us go with them. It should be nice.

Until next time...

When Children Move On.. and Out

A few days ago we were informed our daughter's are moving out. While this is a good thing, their dad wasn't pleased at the abruptness.

We just don't see how they will make it, however, gotta let them go and see if they can fly.

They often try to take advantage of us as is. In the last months this has been in question more than once. Adults pay rent, adults living in parents home do chores. No one gets a free ride. They can't pay rent here, but can elsewhere?

There was the main issue.

Army girl had just switched rooms with her brother. She took the second largest room and he took the smaller. Actually her bedroom might be larger than ours, but ours has the master bath.

We knew something was up, but didn't know it was a double doozie.

The oldest and grandson leaving will open up the 2 room addition to the home with private entrance. Similar to a living room with seperate bedroom. A door which leads into the home and another out front and a few feet from our own front door. It could also be considered a den with an extra bedroom.

One of my major goals was to one day use that addition for a support group meetings.

There are no support groups for RSD/CRPS in the Sacramento area. People need real time support. Online is a good alternative, but it will never replace actual flesh and blood contact. I could start a non profit. I have options.

We can also rent it out.

I could start a day care. The bedroom would fit 2 bunk beds, the front room/den area a play area.

I highly doubt I would ever do this. I don't have the energy for rug rats.

Our oldest daughter often helped me during surgeries etc. A care giver of sorts. But am thinking with all the extra house work that comes from her family, that once they are moved out and army girl as well, there won't be as much to do.

I may eventually, a little at a time, get the home the way I will like it. Get the baby prints off the walls, by painting, all the toys, but a few will be gone. The kitchen will be better kept in order. Electricity bills will decrease.

It's too much with a house full. Especially of adult children who don't care to even clean up their own messes. That's hard on us.

They're moving back to the apartments we moved from prior to buying our home. Back to West Sacramento, where we lived since it became it's own city separate from Sacramento in 1987.

We lived in those apartments since the fire in 2000 where we lost everything. No renters insurance. (any one who rents, please get insurance).

A year later, I was injured. I know all their memories lie within and around those apartments.

Now we'll just have our son to care for on a daily basis. And too it will give him a place to spend time away from home on occasion. And our grandson can come home to visit us as well.

They just have to realize that we won't be paying their way. One has a child, the other has been in the Army... they can do it, but responsibility comes with it.

It's going to go from full noisy house to nearly empty around the first of March.

A good birthday present for the both of them in a way. One turns 22 March 11th and the other 21 March 15.

And not to leave our son out.. he'll be 13 March 31st.

See how I couldn't leave him out? All March babies. ~grins

I'm beginning to get excited for them. I know we'll help them gather items of need. Kitchen and toilet necessities. Help find them furniture or pass them things from here. Just wont be putting out a lot of money. We're tight on funds ourselves and will now lose the little rent we do get from them.

One thing is for sure the empty rooms will need to be painted and carpets cleaned and they'll have to come back and take care of that. The oldest already agreed to come back and help paint the entire home since her boy marked some of the walls and such.

Just hoping it all turns out to be a good thing all around...

Until next time

Life's Purpose

I just finished reading a friends blog titled "What Gives Life Purpose" and I began to reflect on my own life as I've done so many times before. I might close my eyes and travel the path of what use to be. My life and my past.

I think about the many times I've been caught up in pain of one sort or other. From molestation, losing babies, fires, death of friends and family and so much more. I also think on the good, those things I've accomplished, chosen for either by man or God, maybe both.

My twin died 3 months before I was born. I myself wasn't to survive. I remember the stories of my possible birth. A few of them. After my twin died, my mom was encouraged to have a late term abortion. An ugly type of abortion that would kill me, but also have me pass through the birth canal and be born. Just still born.

My moms life was at stake through this entire ordeal.

The second option, after my mom refused to have this done was for my parents to accept that if I survived being born, I would be mentally and physically retarded and that they need to begin arrangements to have me placed in a long term care facility.

I still have the scars of the forceps on my head. Like a horse shoe, a lucky horse shoe.

There's two reasons I was named Twinkle, one my eyes twinkled with life, I'm often told that to this day. My dark brown eyes dance and twinkle especially when in laughter, mischief and so forth. The second.. I brought a twinkle to my dads eyes.

"course most think I was named from a couple hippies. I was born at the height of the Vietnam war. 1968. Another story exists with in this also, but I won't be speaking of it now.

When I was 22 I lost my own twins. Neither survived. One was ectopic, the other in uterus. If I had known then when I learned later, I might have been able to save the second. No one knew. For such tiny things, I carry an enormous scar. Not just an emotional scar, a physical one.

My belly was cut far from the left to far to the right and is quite apparent to this day. The result of the surgery and it being an exploratory left me with the reminder all my days. From that time on I was not supposed to be able to have children. Both our girls were born by the time I was 20. To imagine 4 children at 22... wow. I left it with being God's choice.

My Master was the last to carry on his family name.

I prayed and prayed.

Nearly 9 years after are oldest daughter was born, I gave birth to a son. It's odd how life works. I had already signed for a tubaligation prior to being wheeled in for that surgery where those babies were lost. Prior to being rolled in, my doctor, who was also my moms doctor and who delivered me, ask me one last time if I was sure, together we all tore up the signed documents.

Had I done that, our son would have never been. After all, he already shouldn't have been.

I went on to lose another child 2003. January 8th. I'll never forget it.

A few other things tried to get the best of me over the years. I learned to just move on.

The 9 year anniversary of my injury was January 26th of last month. And since then it's been a hard road.

What's my purpose?

I do know that had I not been injured and ending up with these various illnesses, debilitating ones, I would have never met so many wonderful people.

1000's of people in pain.

There's no doubt some would have crossed my path or mine theirs, but not to this extent.

Now I'm a guinea pig for medication research, therapy programs and so forth. An advocate for those suffering and those trying to live with the little they've got.

I'm taking a medication intended for Opiate addiction and instead using it for pain control. The nastiest stuff imaginable that is taken under the tongue until completely dissolved usually 10 minutes each time.

Last week I was having suicidal ideations again. I hadn't felt that way for awhile. Thinking of ways out, a break, and end to it all. I didn't act on my thoughts, instead I secluded myself for days. Turned off the comp and waited for the ugly emotions to leave me.

I wasn't thinking that way because I really wanted to die, on the contrary, I want to live.

...But not like this.

Continuous pain distorts perception. There are moments of insanity when the painful peak is so high it seems it will never ease down. It's easy to lose ones mind, even for a moment. Reality pushes forth and the right mind, knowing right from wrong, shows it self once more. The ability to reason becomes present long enough to tell myself "Are you crazy?"

My purpose surely wasn't home schooling our son,

but I experienced it.

Maybe my purpose is "experiencing".

I'm nearly certain part of it is the ability to understand. Walk many shoes. Remain compassionate, loyal, devoted and all be able to retain the playful spirit I once shared with people on a regular basis, either through work or association.

I've never turned hateful through any of it.. Even parts I haven't mentioned...

Sure I've been hurt, or at times felt punished some how, but I'd also have to believe I've done something to be punished for and.. I haven't. It could be the demons of dark trying to sway me from the goodness of light and if that could be true...

I could have the devil on me for not turning the other way and into it's darkness..

My ultimate purpose could be remaining in the light of love and forgiveness and if that's all there is to it...

I can be happy with it..

If there's more to it..

Much is left to be seen

.. and learned.

Until next time..