As the weeks comes to an end

What a very busy week it's been and in so many different ways. Dealing with people changing names thinking they can have a brand new start or be someone different. Others being mean to one another. Never thought people in pain could be so awful to their peers. Cat fights all week. I had to ban 1 person for the time being if not indefinitely, hired an assistant the week before that. I'm managing to get my own self situated and as soon as I do I'll start my driving lessons back up. I had to take a break during my med changes the last 2 weeks. I'll find out at my next appointment when I can move forward with this.

When I lay down to try and sleep at night I play my Kitty Cannon game on my Iphone. The original game is called Kitten Cannon and it's on addictinggames.com.

This is the lite version but it's still just as fun. I'm in the top 10 of the highest scores in all of CA. And for all of the United States.. 16th or about. It's my sleepy time sport. ~grins

I've become so un-trusting that those I really do trust I think will hurt me some how. I suppose because of those few that did in the past in the name of friendship.

Most people won't remain having anything to do with you if they aren't getting something bigger out of it. Ulterior motives and then some.

It reminds me of why I like to be alone. No one can hurt me and I can't hurt them.

Even in my work I keep a distance. I do what I need to do and bounce right back out of there. For one, I don't thrive on drama. I'm don't care to be sucked into the he said/she said stuff, yet I also worry that I'll get pulled in some how.

The Senior Leader is back from months of vacationing now. Yay! In a few days and after some rest, he should be taking over most of it again. Being lead Leader in charge all this time was exhausting.

I did my Yoga every time I felt stress coming on. It helped a lot! I don't take pills for anxiety, stress or fear anymore. I use my own resources that I was taught at the FRP.

I go to Pain Management every 2 weeks now instead of every month. Not sure when it will shift back to the normal schedule.

I'm off to play my game some more...

Until next time..

A bit of this and that

In the last couple of days I've been so busy. I did get the left foot pedal installed on the van. They don't do classes there, so I either have to take a course or do what we opted for and that is the man will teach me over at the Jr. High parking lot. I signed a release so the business wouldn't be held liable in letting me leave without knowing how to drive with it. It's a nifty gadget. The base of it is bolted into the floor board and the other part snaps in and out. It just reverses the entire driving experience. Instead of using right foot for gas to break on an automatic, it's the left foot for gas and break. The actual gas pedal is blocked to a foot rest for the right foot instead.

Might go later this afternoon or evening for a driving lesson. Am still too chicken to try. But I have to soon, my PT went out on a limb for me and got this covered by my WC adjuster and so I won't let him down.

I also went to the FRP Monday evening and finished my painting. My PT helped me with it. I've never painted on canvas before. Now part of me will be framed and displayed at the FRC.

If I confuse any of you interchanging FRP with FRC, FRP is Functional Restoration Program and FRC is Functional Restoration Center.

I put in a full day at MDJ yesterday then watched Hells Kitchen and America's Got Talent with the family. Dang.. young Thia is amazing. but I like Breaksk8 too.

I'm still doing Yoga everyday, just not always 3 times a day, or twice. Okay, I do it one time, just one time... just once..

mostly.

I listen to music alot more again. I dance more often, granted it's with my upper body more than my lower at all, but it's still dancing, even when I'm on my ass. It's movement.

Oldest daughter is suppose to be moving out soon. My FRP psych said that was a good thing. (It is). but then tonight when I asked her again, she said she's not sure. Ugh

It wouldn't be so bad if the grandson hadn't colored up the walls, fed nachos to the fish, put a nickel in the nearly brand new washer (that is no longer working because of it) If it wasn't under warranty and the extended we purchased for when "anything" happens to it, we'd be out 800 bucks. Paid 1,600 for both washer and dryer approx 4 months ago. So we'll be having it fixed soon.

Oh and did I mention a nickel in the Wii too? Yep. Had just got it for xmas, this was oh 3 months after xmas. So it sat on the shelf for months. The man finally took it apart and Yay! Fixed it! Phew. He had just got me the Wii yoga and I had never used it.

Hm... yeah so the kid needs to pay better attention to her child. Because that's not the half of it.

Well sometimes parents have to kick 'em out of the nest and see if they can fly, but even with the stress doubt that'll happen but things will have to change. Big time.

Other daughter is still at Fort Gordon. She was never deployed because of the fracture. She did though graduate from AIT months ago. Not sure when she'll be home.

Son starts 7th grade next week. He just did a new track. His first major one. Usually he's a feat with Cash Boy Click. He was 7 or 8 when he did his very first feat. He does YouTube videos on a regular basis.

Was making hamburgers the other day when grandson turned around and said "Nana, I don't wan na crabby patty". lmao

I'm in good spirits. I do feel a crash coming. The FRP really gave me back my spirit. I can handle the crashes and flares better.

I mean.. I only cry 7-8 times a month now instead of once or twice a day. lol
I haven't broken anything in a long time. hahaha I did have that meltdown a month or so ago, but other than that am handling life as best as I can under the circumstances.

I had to charge my SCS earlier and haven't been to sleep yet. I can't wait until they come out with one that doesn't need to be charged every couple of days. They are coming out with one that will move with the body (the stimulation remains on and at the same level regardless of what position one moves in) Mine decreases in stimulation when I bend forward in a sitting position, yet gooses me at high power when on my back.... soooo yeah that will be a good thing. When I had my revision my medtronic specialist said in the next 2 years.

I have to have my battery replaced next year (cut yet again), I wish the change would have been sooner so that it could all be done at once, but noooooooooo.

Am gonna watch some American Justice before my inbox fills up with the days group posts..

Until next time..

It's Been Hard but Worth It

The last couple of days have been really hard. I already gave up most of my meds prior to this. Actually 2 weeks now. I've already gone down 15mgs of a total of 45mgs of morphine a day. Yesterday was my first day to cut down another 15mgs, my day time dose. I had a really hard time. Yesterday was hell. Pain on top of pain on top of withdrawals. I was allowed to take the evening 15mgs. It didn't help. I didn't go in today. My body is freaking out, every bone and muscle is screaming. I have to go in tomorrow as it's my evaluation for the next 3 weeks. I was only authorized for 3 of the 6 weeks to begin with.

I've learned a lot. I'll still do my yoga tonight. I had a hard time pulling myself out of bed at all. But I had to. I'm in the living room now. Being out here is a big thing even though it might not seem so. I've been isolated so long pre program. When I hurt, I tend to hide. That's what I know.

I felt myself coming up there for awhile, staying on routine, doing my home work, working on my factors, goals, etc etc... but today? Blah.

It's one of those days I find myself asking "How?". How am I going to do this long term, how am I really going to live life, how am I going to be able to get my ass up on those days like today and go to work, or go out, to the store, anything that needs to be done. I can handle the disability, I can handle there is no cure, I can handle all that crap I was in denial for so long, I can't handle pain!

The fire, ice, throbbing, dull, get the fuck outta my head pain that just goes on and on and on, never stops and my back up, my meds... I told them I was strong enough to stop them. I was...

just not now. lol

I go to bed on time, generally I wake up on time now (not like today) but even on weekends, I try to breathe right, I've learned to, but I have to be conscious of doing so, or I hold my breath which tenses my body then causes even more pain. I have to constantly tell myself to breathe. Even during sex. lol

I've learned that if I can do all this without meds for 7 years and take really good care of myself my body will generate good cells, which right now are so broken. It's probably not likely, but it gives some hope. I think. lol

I don't drink coffee after 5 p.m on weekdays anymore. While I never thought it interfered with my sleep, it probably does. I really am doing a lot to change things.

I'm on 25 words in the memory mastery system. That isn't easy for me. Once upon a time, I could have learned all of them fairly quickly.

Everyday we are conditioned to keep in mind, we will never be who we used to be, we have to accept who we've become.

Um... that's not easy. I don't like it. But I'm starting to come around.

Mostly.

I've dropped about a pant size in clothing since starting this program. Maybe more, am not sure, I wear loose bottoms because of the sensitivity of my scars and skin.

Oh, I wore socks for 10 minutes yesterday, I'm working on being able to wear shoes again. My baseline was 5 minutes and I made it to 10. I've started the balance board and do that for 1 minute, 3x a day. I ride the bike for 10-15 minutes depending on resistance. I do scrubbing for 45 seconds twice a day. I don't like that. Ugh. But I do it. And of course biofeedback is after each. I'm not sure if my atrophy in my right calf is getting better. Maybe I can find that out tomorrow. It's been holding at 2.5 cm for years now. Well, 2.0 then 2.5. but has never returned to normal since 2001.

Okay, so I think I've babbled enough for now... Bones is on, I like that show.

I'm about to do a new yoga position, the Egyptian stand. Try that for 2 minutes. I can only do it for 30 seconds right now, but will increase time as I go. The 3 fundamentals of Yoga... BET. Breathe, Effort and Time. ~grins

Until next time...