Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Holding My Head High/Myoclonus

My head is held high as I move up and forward in life. I've been spending hours upon hours job searching. Compiling several possibilities, shortening my list to the even better ones, applying, etc.

I have a lot of experience, in a lot of areas, none expertise. The last 2 days I've been focusing more on work from home positions, but I really want to work outside the home a few hours a week. I've already hit brick walls and I knew I would. It's the working outside the home jobs I'm not yet having any luck with. So far, my legs are the problem in these. While I believe I could do it with a sit/stand station or reasonable accommodations I'm not what they are looking for.

I'm in one of those damned if I do damned if I don't situations even applying. The application process.

The law doesn't require me to reveal my disabilities, but if I'm not honest how does that work establishing honesty with a prospective employer from the get go? It doesn't.

I am extremely uncomfortable about this. I have to tell enough for a chance at accommodation that would better enable me to work or I'd be fired the first day as I would not be able to perform my duties.

Sitting is the less of my worries, but I cannot sit longer than an hour a straight either. I could push it to an hour and a half and would, but I'd be screwed in body doing so.

Standing in one place is for 5 minutes is just as bad as walking and pushing myself to 10 minutes, when I can go 7 minutes fairly well putting pain aside.

I'm trying hard each day to be able to wear shoes for a fair amount of time, but none of it would even equal a 4 hour work day. I had not worn shoes in nearly 9 years prior to my FRP. During desensitization therapy I started with sandals that covers the top of my feet and made it to about hour finally during the last 2 weeks of the program. I can could wear tennies for approx. 30 minutes. Since being home I've increased my sandals to 1.5 hours at a time, and a few times twice a day. Tennies close to an hour and longer if not walking.

I have 3 pair of sandals now. Yay! I love the look of all of them. They are totally me!

I have NOT been released to return to work, but I have been okay'd to search. My docs will approve or disapprove when an opportunity for hire has occurred.

This all seems complicated for me.

What if someone hires me? I still need it to be approved by the docs. I would feel disgraced to to have to tell the employer.. oops sorry Doc said nopers. I feel like they would think... then why did you even apply and waste our time? That would make me feel bad.

I have Myoclonia or Myoclonic seizures/jerks now. I fall into 4 of the 8 separate types of this. It's extremely scary when it's happening, but so far it only happens when I'm lying down or trying sleep. I can't imagine it happening when sitting up or out and about. As it is, it briefly causes my heart to stop, skip, and pound like in fear or sudden fright, and I have to remind myself to breathe again.

Doc did say my new med should help this in a few weeks. I do hope so because this happens at least a half dozen times a night.

So that there is no misunderstanding, these are not epileptic seizures of my brain. It involves my nerves and other factors. I was diagnosed with Dystonia a few years ago.

We got a new puppy that was delivered from Los Angeles last night. I'm raising him for our daughter until she comes home from the Army in December. He's 9 weeks old and she named him Sergeant. He's a feisty lil shit. Already commanding my attention and all. Am already potty training him and I'm feeding him by our daughters schedule for him.

He's already chewing on things.. like.. um me! And that's a no no. Will bite him back if he keeps it up. Am not kidding. ~smiles

Until next time..

Thursday, September 03, 2009

As the weeks comes to an end

What a very busy week it's been and in so many different ways. Dealing with people changing names thinking they can have a brand new start or be someone different. Others being mean to one another. Never thought people in pain could be so awful to their peers. Cat fights all week. I had to ban 1 person for the time being if not indefinitely, hired an assistant the week before that. I'm managing to get my own self situated and as soon as I do I'll start my driving lessons back up. I had to take a break during my med changes the last 2 weeks. I'll find out at my next appointment when I can move forward with this.

When I lay down to try and sleep at night I play my Kitty Cannon game on my Iphone. The original game is called Kitten Cannon and it's on addictinggames.com.

This is the lite version but it's still just as fun. I'm in the top 10 of the highest scores in all of CA. And for all of the United States.. 16th or about. It's my sleepy time sport. ~grins

I've become so un-trusting that those I really do trust I think will hurt me some how. I suppose because of those few that did in the past in the name of friendship.

Most people won't remain having anything to do with you if they aren't getting something bigger out of it. Ulterior motives and then some.

It reminds me of why I like to be alone. No one can hurt me and I can't hurt them.

Even in my work I keep a distance. I do what I need to do and bounce right back out of there. For one, I don't thrive on drama. I'm don't care to be sucked into the he said/she said stuff, yet I also worry that I'll get pulled in some how.

The Senior Leader is back from months of vacationing now. Yay! In a few days and after some rest, he should be taking over most of it again. Being lead Leader in charge all this time was exhausting.

I did my Yoga every time I felt stress coming on. It helped a lot! I don't take pills for anxiety, stress or fear anymore. I use my own resources that I was taught at the FRP.

I go to Pain Management every 2 weeks now instead of every month. Not sure when it will shift back to the normal schedule.

I'm off to play my game some more...

Until next time..