Wednesday, August 26, 2009

OMG! It's true!

I am 4 days off Morphine. Last night was terrible. I couldn't hold anything down, I was freezing, I was hot, I kept ending up in the bathroom and I was as high as a kite.

I did my induction yesterday afternoon. I was given 2 halfs about 20 minutes apart in the office. When I got home I was to take another half. 4mgs every couple of hours until midnight and start the full 8mg tablet in the morning. They dissolve under the tongue. YUCK! It's been compared to being 100 times stronger than morphine and 10 times stronger than Fentanyl. (I really don't know about that).

It is though without a doubt the strongest med I have ever taken. I've been looped since yesterday at my induction. I imagine I'll stay this way until my body gets use to it. Could be weeks, months, or years just like any other med if a tolerance is built up. Don't like the feeling... I mean I went to pet the dog at the end of the bed and it wasn't the dog it was a pillow. ~blushes

BUT LEMME TELL YA... OMG! It's true! My pain is so much better. Already!

My pain level hasn't been higher than a 5 since I started it. And there have been times it's held at a 3. I go back to pain management on Monday, when I switch to full Suboxone pain relief is suppose to be even better.

and know what? Moments.. just moments....I didn't feel anything. Nothing!
It was like a reverse scared! I was scared because I didn't feel anything. Can you believe that? It didn't last long.. but it was there. I mean it wasn't there...

Because of those seconds.... those minutes.. I'm not even sure if it was real or not.

~inclines my head...
For a few broken up minutes..

I didn't hurt at all.

Until next time...

Saturday, August 22, 2009

My Next Big Day- tommorow

Tomorrow is my next big day. It's the last of the Morphine. The man picked up my meds and I'll be taking Catapres/Clonidine HCL and Ativan/Lorazapam to help me through the withdrawals. I've never taken either of them. On Tuesday I'll take my first 8mg of Subutex in the presence of my Pain Manager's. I'll take it twice a day and 1/2 tablet as needed. I have a weeks worth and will move from it to Suboxone the following week.

I hired a co-leader for my MDJ RSD group. This comes at the perfect time since I'm not sure how I'll be doing from tomorrow to Tuesday until I get home.

The man who I call the lead leader or senior leader has been vacationing for months now. I am glad he is.. we all have to live and have fun in life. Yet I've also been beyond busy. I'm looking forward to having an assistant. The girl who was chosen will be a wonderful asset to our team.

My driving isn't too good yet, but have been practicing.

I figure in the next couple of days if my bark or bite becomes too much..

Just yank my chain. lol

Until next time..

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Yesterday was my monthly Pain Management appointment. I got my authorization to begin Suboxone. There is a process to it, though. Sunday morning I will stop taking Morphine and withdraw for almost 2 days. They are prescribing me 2 meds to help me with this. I'm not sure the names of these meds yet as I haven 't picked them up from the pharmacy. I do know they are both something I haven't taken before or I would have recalled the name. On Tuesday I will go back to pain management for the induction. I'll stay there 2 hours while they give it to me. I'm starting with Subutex for a week to make the transition to Suboxone easier. I'm happy to have this help because I've withdrawn before and it's really hard to handle.

He did promise me one thing. I'll leave there on Tuesday without any more withdrawals. It's only been studied in the last 3 years for pain. What they do know about it so far is that it blocks the pain receptors in the brain. I'm happy to be a clinical trial for this.

I have nothing to lose, but something to gain if it works. If I feel it doesn't help as much as Morphine, I get to go back on Morphine.

So I'll definitely be tracking my pain levels. I also look forward to letting others know how it works for me.

I know 3 other people who take it. 2 of them have CRPS, 1 doesn't but takes it for chronic pain. All have had remarkable results. I want to be one of them, too.

I'm hopeful but not getting my hopes up too high.

Until next time...

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Ughhhh (I could scream!)

Just when you think things are calming down for you even in the storm..

Even more thunder rocks your world.

My internal battery is dying. Which means another surgery. It might sound like I'm whining...

And you're right. I am.

It's only been 5 months since my revision and the second lead added. Now I'll have to have my back and butt cut open again.

The 2 month healing time is just something I don't want to do again. I really am tired of it. Yet I have no choice in the matter. Well I suppose there is one choice... but I wouldn't survive 3 months of it.

Will call my Medtronic Specialist to test my robo ass for sure. They have to plug me in and check me with their own equipment. I'm sure though I need a new one. it's just not holding a charge without being strapped up to run off the base unit. Our SMUD bill is going to be so high. Cuz now I'm running off the wall, the homes power. Not even sure how long that will last. Cuz once the internal is drained, nothing but a replacement will bring it back on.

Can I say.. fuck! now?

Until next time..

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My previous post

I deleted my previous post titled Venting because I certainly did vent and quite harshly. I said a lot of bad words. Was just a really bad pain day. I'm feeling tremendous pressure. My legs feel like they've been crushed by a vice grip. My knees and bones are screaming, my flesh is ice cold and I feel it as intense fire.

The weather won't stay the same and my body flares every time it's about to do a turnabout. I've elevated, had pillows between my legs, increased the stimulation on my SCS and now my battery is completely dead. I have to strap up and charge myself soon and am not even looking forward to the added tenderness it's going to cause just doing it. I doubled up on my morphine which I haven't done in a few months now and it's not even lowering the hell a single point.

I've been resting all day.

I have 2 more things to try... Motrin and a warm epson bath.

And just ride it out...

Until next time



Sunday, August 09, 2009

Stem Cell Treatment for Dogs

A few nights ago I watched the News stunned. Dogs have been virtually cured by Stem Cell Research and usage.

Here's a link-

and another-

If we can move forward and do this in humans, can you imagine the relief we would get?

I do doubt the push for humans will happen sooner than later. There's too much money to be lost in the supposed relief and treating pain. Once again we're in the midst of politics...

The controversy continues to exists over embryonic stem cell research and I myself was hesitant of this for a long time... but everything changes when faced with the incurable...

This doesn't include Embryonic Stem Cells... but own cells...

even if it did....

But honestly... Can you imagine?

Until next time...

Saturday's Outting

Yesterday we went to the auction. Actually it's called the Folsom Flea Market. Our son starts Jr. High next week so he got to choose where he wanted to get some new clothes from. He got some really cool outfits there. Afterward we took him to the Arden Mall to the Van's store and bought him 2 pair of Van's and a skateboard. Funds are becoming extremely tight and so he had to decide how to spend the money allotted to him.

It was the first time I had used my wheel chair in 3 months. There was just no way I could accomplish all that walking otherwise. I did walk a lot though and only used the wheels as back up. i had hesitated even wanting to go because of it. I've hid away enough years because of that though and really can't do it anymore. It's more important to the man and family that I be with them.

They bought me a really cute pair of sandles (at the auction).. I use them for desensitization therapy because they cover the entire foot (ouch) but... yay, I am wearing something on them finally. Some days for a couple of hours. Some days not at all, still more than before.

I'm not too fond of clothing, especially pants. I don't like anything gripping my back and butt scars and my legs can barely endure fabric because of being so sensitive. That's something else I have to work on.

I've been too busy at MDJ. The other Leader has been traveling and we never appointed a 3rd. So I'm picking up all the slack. Am managing decently enough I suppose.

I'm not sure if I'm going to FRP P2 tomorrow. Will at least do a driving lesson.

Been playing Yahtzee on my Iphone here and there all day long for distraction..

So am off to play another game...

Until next time..

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

A bit of this and that

In the last couple of days I've been so busy. I did get the left foot pedal installed on the van. They don't do classes there, so I either have to take a course or do what we opted for and that is the man will teach me over at the Jr. High parking lot. I signed a release so the business wouldn't be held liable in letting me leave without knowing how to drive with it. It's a nifty gadget. The base of it is bolted into the floor board and the other part snaps in and out. It just reverses the entire driving experience. Instead of using right foot for gas to break on an automatic, it's the left foot for gas and break. The actual gas pedal is blocked to a foot rest for the right foot instead.

Might go later this afternoon or evening for a driving lesson. Am still too chicken to try. But I have to soon, my PT went out on a limb for me and got this covered by my WC adjuster and so I won't let him down.

I also went to the FRP Monday evening and finished my painting. My PT helped me with it. I've never painted on canvas before. Now part of me will be framed and displayed at the FRC.

If I confuse any of you interchanging FRP with FRC, FRP is Functional Restoration Program and FRC is Functional Restoration Center.

I put in a full day at MDJ yesterday then watched Hells Kitchen and America's Got Talent with the family. Dang.. young Thia is amazing. but I like Breaksk8 too.

I'm still doing Yoga everyday, just not always 3 times a day, or twice. Okay, I do it one time, just one time... just once..


I listen to music alot more again. I dance more often, granted it's with my upper body more than my lower at all, but it's still dancing, even when I'm on my ass. It's movement.

Oldest daughter is suppose to be moving out soon. My FRP psych said that was a good thing. (It is). but then tonight when I asked her again, she said she's not sure. Ugh

It wouldn't be so bad if the grandson hadn't colored up the walls, fed nachos to the fish, put a nickel in the nearly brand new washer (that is no longer working because of it) If it wasn't under warranty and the extended we purchased for when "anything" happens to it, we'd be out 800 bucks. Paid 1,600 for both washer and dryer approx 4 months ago. So we'll be having it fixed soon.

Oh and did I mention a nickel in the Wii too? Yep. Had just got it for xmas, this was oh 3 months after xmas. So it sat on the shelf for months. The man finally took it apart and Yay! Fixed it! Phew. He had just got me the Wii yoga and I had never used it.

Hm... yeah so the kid needs to pay better attention to her child. Because that's not the half of it.

Well sometimes parents have to kick 'em out of the nest and see if they can fly, but even with the stress doubt that'll happen but things will have to change. Big time.

Other daughter is still at Fort Gordon. She was never deployed because of the fracture. She did though graduate from AIT months ago. Not sure when she'll be home.

Son starts 7th grade next week. He just did a new track. His first major one. Usually he's a feat with Cash Boy Click. He was 7 or 8 when he did his very first feat. He does YouTube videos on a regular basis.

Was making hamburgers the other day when grandson turned around and said "Nana, I don't wan na crabby patty". lmao

I'm in good spirits. I do feel a crash coming. The FRP really gave me back my spirit. I can handle the crashes and flares better.

I mean.. I only cry 7-8 times a month now instead of once or twice a day. lol
I haven't broken anything in a long time. hahaha I did have that meltdown a month or so ago, but other than that am handling life as best as I can under the circumstances.

I had to charge my SCS earlier and haven't been to sleep yet. I can't wait until they come out with one that doesn't need to be charged every couple of days. They are coming out with one that will move with the body (the stimulation remains on and at the same level regardless of what position one moves in) Mine decreases in stimulation when I bend forward in a sitting position, yet gooses me at high power when on my back.... soooo yeah that will be a good thing. When I had my revision my medtronic specialist said in the next 2 years.

I have to have my battery replaced next year (cut yet again), I wish the change would have been sooner so that it could all be done at once, but noooooooooo.

Am gonna watch some American Justice before my inbox fills up with the days group posts..

Until next time..

Sunday, August 02, 2009

Left Foot Accelerator Pedal

I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m to have the Left Foot Accelerator Pedal installed. After installation, I'll learn how to use it, drive. Am really very nervous.

I still won't be able to drive on the freeway, but we have lots of mini malls around here, so everything I would want or need to get to is within a few blocks. Once I go back to work, or start driving to Monday's FRP, I'll learn the back streets to get there. Actually it's the same way he takes me now.

Every time I think of driving I have a panic attack. And I'm not taking anxiety meds anymore, so it's not a quick relief, I have to work hard getting myself out of those moments of fear. I did learn how to help myself naturally at the FRC.

During bio feedback, when they forced me to stress.. (actually forced me by showing me words of colors, but I had to say the color, not the word. For example.. The word blue would flash across the screen, but it was really yellow in actual color) Ugh...

Anyway.. I don't recover easily. So when I panic, I'm not allowed to close my eyes...

Instead, I'm suppose to find a visual focal point and bring myself out of the panic... It really does help.

So if I looked at a picture, I start talking out loud about the picture I'm looking at.. describing it.

I'm proud of myself that I can help myself without all the meds I was on. I am still taking 2, just not the 7 I was on 2+ months ago.

Honestly if someone dropped me off across town (where I would be driving myself home)

I would not be able to get home. I have to re learn my own home town. I'm not at all familiar with the area of town where we bought our home. Even as a passenger, I don't recall it.

So I've got lots to learn.

Until next time