Wednesday, August 12, 2009

My previous post

I deleted my previous post titled Venting because I certainly did vent and quite harshly. I said a lot of bad words. Was just a really bad pain day. I'm feeling tremendous pressure. My legs feel like they've been crushed by a vice grip. My knees and bones are screaming, my flesh is ice cold and I feel it as intense fire.

The weather won't stay the same and my body flares every time it's about to do a turnabout. I've elevated, had pillows between my legs, increased the stimulation on my SCS and now my battery is completely dead. I have to strap up and charge myself soon and am not even looking forward to the added tenderness it's going to cause just doing it. I doubled up on my morphine which I haven't done in a few months now and it's not even lowering the hell a single point.

I've been resting all day.

I have 2 more things to try... Motrin and a warm epson bath.

And just ride it out...

Until next time


Snowbrush said...

It's scary when the strongest thing you've got doesn't help. In the debate on suicide, I think a lot of people have a bit too much confidence in narcotics. I'm sure my pain is nowhere near yours at times, yet if I wait until I actually need them, none of my four narcotics even touches the problem.

I so hope the "ride" of pain gets better for you soon.

His kajirah said...

Hi Snow.

I agree about people having a bit too much confidence in narcotics. That's one of the main reasons I went through the 6 week program. To learn other tools and techniques to help me.

And really it did. Breathing, meditation, biofeedback, tracking my emotional numbers with the physical etc.

I have been coping better, when when those intense hard days come (today isn't better yet that the last 3) it just really messes up any positive mindset. Eventually I'll shrug these days off and tell myself See? I got through it. But when we are actually going through it, it's not so easy.

I know you understand. I don't at all doubt your pain being bad and I'm sure it's equal to mine.. we all feel it differently, yet sometimes too the exact same.

Having learned you through your blog, I know it's tough on you.

I believe this is why we understand each other so well.

People in pain often bond in pain.

Warm wishes

Snowbrush said...

Well, who knows who's pain is worse, there being no ruler for measuring that sort of thing? I do know that I had anticipated getting through mine, but I'm losing hope. Even if I do, it could be a few years before the surgeries are all behind me. After one shoulder surgery in March, I'm now looking at a likely partial joint replacement on the same shoulder. 20% of people who have a partial replacement end up having a full replacement within two years. Meanwhile, the other shoulder hurts like hell, but there's no possibility of fixing it until something is done about the right one. I actually handle the pain better than I'm handling the disability. I've always been strong and active, and now I can't live that way.

You mentioned that the drugs have lowered your IQ. Maybe it's the drugs, but I haven't had nearly so many as you, so I think that, in my case, it's more likely the pain. I can hardly do the simplest chore anymore without screwing at least part of it up. I do fancy that I can still write intelligently, but that has long been my strongest suite, so it makes sense that I would retain it the longest.

Read my latest entry. It describes a lifestyle very different from you own, yet much the same.