Thursday, April 30, 2009

Pathway Of Pain

(or The Way To God)

If my days were untroubled and my heart always light,

Would I seek that fair land where there is no night?

If I never grew weary with the weight of my load,

Would I search for God’s Peace at the end of the road?

If I never knew sickness and never felt pain,

Would I reach for a hand to help and sustain?

If I walked not with sorrow and lived without loss,

Would my soul seek sweet solace at the foot of the cross?

If all I desired was mine day by day,

Would I kneel before God and earnestly pray?

If God sent no “winter” to freeze me with fear,

Would I yearn for the warmth of “spring” every year?

I ask myself this and the answer is plain -

If my life were all pleasure and I never knew pain

I’d seek God less often and need Him much less,

For God's sought more often in times of distress.

And no one knows God or sees Him as plain

As those who have met Him on “The Pathway of Pain.”

by Helen Steiner Rice.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

First Appointment at Compass

Yesterday I went to meet the Psychologist and Physical Therapist at Compass. For the course of this program I'll be dropping the use of 3rd person speech from my blog. This has to do with my treatment.

I met with the Psychologist first. I gave a history, did memory tests and so forth. I filled out those psych tests and PTSD test thingy. I've was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back.

After I met with my Physical Therapist. Not like any other PT person I've ever met before. He took an additional history, more so, trying to get to know me. He asked how long I can stand, walk etc. When he looked over at me and ask how long I could sit without leaning onto the arm of the chair like I was doing.. I didn't have an answer for him. I don't always realize I'm doing that. He told me he would never be able to take my pain away, of course this is always a hard thing to hear, but I do already know this. He said he is skeptic when people say.."I'm willing to try anything" as I did also. This is when he went on to tell me my pain would always exist. I accepted his word. I understand. But there's a chance to manage it. And I'm ready to learn.

He had me try to stand one one foot at a time while he counted to 10. I did decently I think though I looked like I was flying trying to keep balance.

He dropped a pen on the floor and told me to pick it up. I did, but did it horribly, he dropped the same pen and asked me to kneel on one leg, I did so, he told me to never do it again. he could tell I hurt myself in doing so, I didn't whine a single whimper, I blew that one.

We moved to the bed, I slid up on it, he tested range of motion in my feet, I did pretty well. We tested my toes, I can bend my left, my right embarrassed me. The first 2 toes, try to bend, the 3rd and forth don't and all and my baby toe splays out like it's waving.

He poked me with a bent out paper clip, shit! But I didn't whine, my face flushed though, he could tell. He tested sensitivity, I knew I had Allodynia, was diagnosed with it before, he confirmed it. As well as another, Dystonia, also re confirmed.. He checked my body temperature in those limbs, temperatures were off by degrees. They always are.

The atrophy in my right calf is 2.5 cm, not too bad. In previous years it stayed at 2. this last year decreased to another .5.

I didn't expect this coming...

He told me to look him in the eyes (ugh) so I did. He asked me what my leg was, I hesitated and answered my leg? He asked me what my foot was, um, my foot?

Apparently I had been calling both of them "it" the entire time. It burns, it swells, it changes color see? it it it

That was a no no. I was disassociating those parts of my body from myself. I didn't realize.

With the command of having me look into his eyes and hold it.... I had a deja vu or flash back... of being back among Goreans. sheesh!

I have to start using the rough washcloth again as home therapy to desensitize, turn my stim off at night. I'll try turning my stim off at night this week, I started to last night, but found a setting while starting too that felt good, so.... on it stayed.

I'm not sure when this is suppose to start, I have to meet with them again and I don't have that appointment date yet. This time I'll be meeting with the team. What is nice is they include you in everything. It's not like one doc says one thing, and another says another, and one is going back and forth not understanding. I meet with all of them together. I've never been apart of a team of doctors before.

Today I am so sore, I suppose from pressing towards my toes when I picked up the pens or bending my foot at the same time.

As a Group Leader I speak in first person, during my new learning I have to also for my own well being. To say "she" is disassociating me from me. Interesting in a brand new light.

Until next time..

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Your Gorean is Better than...

Yet.. is it?

Lately she's found it quite embarrassing to even be around people, free or slave, who are so chest thumping they think their gorean is better than anothers. There's no set of rules and just when you think there is, as in years ago, you might find that what you thought you knew... means nothing. All these years spent to have Goreans respected and recognized as a lifestyle, alternative way of living or whatever you might want to call it.. seperate from BDSM, isn't getting better, but worse.

Societies and communities grow with people.

Observation and communication, watching and listening. Learning..

The book-- Try to live by it.. and you'll find at some point that you need to get the hell out of it. It doesn't work. Then later.. it's back to the book again.

It's fine that some don't recognize the institution of marriage as gorean. That doesn't keep us from the path. It's a silly argument especially when it can be shown in many that parts of their lives wouldn't be considered gorean either. Whoopdee dooo.

Our marriage contradicts the gorean ethology. It will not stop us from believing in what we do.

Blah blah blah

Putting people down doesn't show strength.. it shows weakness. It would be much more peaceful to just live your lives and find happiness in it. Live it your way. Just be who you are. But nooooooo, afterall drama makes your day. Tranquility makes ours.

Courage is being kicked down, back handed, knocked on your ass and still being able to get up, hold ones head high and shrug it off.

"Do not condemn the judgement of another because it differs from your own.. You may both be wrong". ~Dandemis

Until next time...

Saturday, April 25, 2009

You have to read this...(Too Funny)

He placed the collar on her neck only two weeks ago when the Sir said to his pet, "pet, I'm going to Hank's Tavern to have a beer, I'll be back later." "my apologies Sir, Hank's?" pet inquired. "I'm going to the bar, pet,' he answered. "You want a beer, my Lord?' she opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc. Pleased, he wished to have an evening out with all the perks of being in a bar with his friends. He did very much appreciate her efforts and just as he saw in her before the collaring, he felt the pull of her need to serve. "Very good... However at the bar... you may know...they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because his pet,
eager to please, popped up rushing into the kitchen. "You want a frozen glass, Master?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it. He looking a bit pale and said, "Yes, my pet, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long. I'll be back to tuck you in bed." "You want hors d'oeuvres, Master?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches. He smiled tolerantly and with a nod he took her cheek in hand, "But my sweetest pet... At the bar... You know there's swearing, dirty words and t..." "You want dirty words, m'Lord? ............ .....

Until next time...

Friday, April 24, 2009

Compass Evaluation

Yesterday was a great day with the new position. Around 4:00 p.m the phone rang and it was Pain Management, I could hear the answering machine message from the bedroom I'm staying in, but the phone was so far away, when I heard it being the voice of the assistant at the doctors office, I got up to go replay the message. Then I called them. I have an appointment on Tuesday at 2:00 p.m with the physical therapist and then at 3:00 p.m with the Psychologist. I got my authorization for Compass. By later last night I was in so much pain, I was hardly able to deal with it. It took forever to fall asleep, kept turning to try and get comfortable. Fell off to sleep around 5:00 p.m the first time, then dozed off, several times through out the night, had been awake since around 1 a.m that morning.

Our weather went from the upper 90 degrees to the high 60's. Maybe that contributed to it. The burn in my legs just wouldn't ease up. Still even now it hasn't. I just took 1,200mgs of Neurontin. The.. I'm going to forget I was ever at Marine World drug. We're leaving later this morning to go.

I became Leader and Compass Authorization came the same day, I wonder if this is a sign.
I can now let others know step by step what the process is.

I could mess with the psychologists mind if he asks me if I hear voices..and say.. "omg, did you hear that?. lol

Okay, I like to play with them. ~hangs my head.

I know they're both men, I have their names.

I just keep thinking of the long days required to complete this program. I have to try.

I've been thinking about my 3 goals. I only know for sure that one of them will be weight management, range of motion, etc. I just want to be on my feet again as long as possible. Take walks with my family. Right now, 10 minutes tops and I'm already screaming in my head at 5. This may be an unrealistic goal. They told me 7 years ago, I would be in a wheelchair in 2, I passed that up by many years, just fighting my way through each day.

I'm going to soak in an Epson salts bath pretty soon. Maybe it will take some strain off my legs. I won't even be using them today. It's just that the burn pain exists without weight bearing. It's terrible. I really feels like one has been splashed with hot water, or gotten an extreme sun burn where the heat doesn't come out. That's the nerve damage.

I need to think of long term goals. Not goals for hobbies and such. Goals that will improve the quality of my life. My physical life.

Until next time..

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Amazing News!

I have really good news to share. Earlier this morning i was made a group leader to my pain group. This didn't come easy. I am bragging when I say I beat out a Dr. and Professor of a University. I cannot give any more details on this person, or others, but I am just proud to be working with the current 2 Leaders who are amazing. To be recommended above others with Master's degrees and more, I am truly humbled and honored at the same time. Even somewhat speechless.

I'm happy my hard work has paid off. I am happy I'm not doing this solo. I have a pain group that I began, over 200 members, more members than this one has now. I've been referring my members to this group for a bit now. Only those members know that they were referred, I'm not the type that brings myself attention by making it known that I did this. All the time and effort I put into CRPSA. All the seemingly endless hours of research. All the promoting of other well known sites. All the passion.

This group is one of the newer ones at the main site which is much larger. Even Leader's need breaks to take care of themselves. One of the Leaders is having a hard time right now. It left the other to pick up things, some members wanting the current Leaders to step down thinking they could do better themselves. Others applying for the position. I applied for consideration not long after I joined in January. Not being hired didn't stop me from participating or being there. When I joined there was 2 Leaders. No one else had been hired either. There's something special about this place. Ironically I would have never have learned of it had I not been notified for something entirely different. To promote them on my own website. I review all sites I list. This is the first support group that I have joined that I also promote. I am a member of another newer site, but as it's grown.... blah. I get invites to join groups that have absolutely nothing to do with the sites theme, which is a patients advocacy. Not!

I'll be removing myself from that one as soon as I get around to it. It's just not on my priority list.

I suppose I had to be there awhile to prove myself, show my determination, learn from others and teach others... some one is always watching us in life. Even when we don't know it or realize it.


I passed and I couldn't be any happier.

I won't be telling the name of the site, not on this blog, I can't have it come up in search engines along side fuck sites. When the sites are those my Master let me have, that's one thing, when they're not, it's entirely another. It's not my choice or his to give.

I think my email is connected to this blog. If anyone wants to know... just email me.
For those who have other contact information on me... contact me there.

The site isn't limited to what I'm now Leader for... RSD/CRPS. It's consists of support groups from chronic pain to several physical disorders, mental and emotional disorders, seniors disorders, teen disorders, cancer, addiction, hundreds of support areas and hundreds of relevant threads.

Without spam and very well taken care of. There are Leaders in all areas. These are not groups that are neglected.

To C and D... Thank you!

And tomorrow is Marine World...

Until next time...

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Marine World

On Friday, we're going to Six Flags Marine World. Not far from here. It's in Vallejo CA. Maybe an hour or so from home. Use to be closer when we lived in West Sac, jump on the 80 and go. We're about an hour and a half of San Francisco CA. It's usually where we fly in or out of if taking a plane. While Sac airport is definately closer, tickets are cheaper in S.F.

We're only going for the day. We were going to get a room there as well. But since they're only open from 11:00a.m to 6:00p.m. we decided not to.

It's hard to believe this one is only 3 weeks post op. Seems much longer. Am doing well for the most part. Will starting weaning off the Norco's with my last 20ct refill tomorrow. Taking taking Morphine and Norco together helps the pain, but taking 1,200 mgs of Neurontin helps the burn better. As I told my friend earlier, it's really an anti seizure medication, but is commonly used for nerve damage. The set back is that memory loss occurs and one gets a scattered sense of being. Especially at that dosage.

But at least it's not a narcotic.

Won't be able to go on any rides at Marine World, but they have shows too. Will coast on her wheels while the family rides. Am just glad to be there for a little family trip. Wish bubbles was here though. Miss her alot. So will just be this one, Master, oldest daughter and son. Leaving grandson with his dad. He got chuckee cheese a couple of days ago.

The man did okay selling the vessels at the Doin's. Left the rest to consignment.
He got orders for other chapters as well. So that is a good thing.

It's been really hot here the last few days. Already in the 90's. Today is going to be 96 degrees. Ouch! This ones skin can't take that. Take atleast 4-5 showers a day every summer.

After we get back from Marine World, they'll get the back yard ready, take the cyclone dog kennel down that came with the house when we bought it and use it to make a wall at the end of the walk way that leads to the back yard. We have a yard up front also. Actually two. Out front by the drive way and outside our front door. Our front doors are enclosed, not viewable by the street. Guess it could be called a bbq area or similar. The gate being placed will keep the freedum dum lol Um our dog freedom from getting into the back as well as keep the baby safe since we'll be getting a pool. Just a small one. Enough to get wet in.

The weather is so crazy it's going from the 90's this week to 67 on Friday when we go to Six Flags. What a difference. And it may even be cooler there.

This ones diet has gone all to hell. Well not really, the dieting is fine, still doing well, it's just not going well for her. Not burning any calories so not losing. But haven't gained and that was the goal all along. Being confined doesn't help.

Until next time

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Bootie Charging

She fell asleep early last evening with her strap-on on. (You're minds went straight to the gutter I bet). She was about 2 hours into charging her internal battery when she fell off to sleep, she remembers she still had about 4 to go the last time she checked her hand held base unit.

She finally got comfortable on her back, which she hasn't slept on since her surgery. She did put a pillow beneath her. When charging one has to be still or the disk will slip and she has to re sync it. She can walk around while charging and if she could actually walk better charging would be easier, the time would go by faster and there wouldn't be pressure against her internal battery which is also one of the fresh incisions right now. So it's a little painful to have the disk pressing up against it. The disk has to be able to communicate with her butt or er internal battery.

When she woke she was fully charged and it didn't slip. She has to try to sleep on her back more so that the lead will take properly to the spine. Right now, when she sits up she has a habit of leaning forward. This habit came from being in severe pain so many times it became her comfort zone. To bend forward and rock. But this isn't good for the lead. When she leans forward the stimulation decreases which means if she continues to do this while the wires are taking to the spine, it will always be that way even after healing.

She has to do better to be on her back. She sleeps on her left side most always with a body pillow between her legs, actually so that the right leg is elevated. Sleeping on her right side, she can feel the box in her butt, okay it's a battery, it's a box to this one. She does still turn to her right from time to time though. Can't stay in one position long.

cali misses her Master

She woke when she did about 1:00a.m because her daughter brought her home a terriyaki bowl (not sure how to spell that).

She carefully stood up as not to biff it again, unstrapped, put it away back to the main base unit, went to the bathroom and came back to her room. Turned on the tv, nothing but infomercials.

Was thinking it might be nice to ask for a Magic Bullet (not that kind pervs, had one and broke it) the kitchen kind. Seems like it would really make cooking and prepping much easier. And the fruit and veggie smoothies. Yum.

So am awake for now, but still tired.

Our son starts Boxing this week coming up. It will be good for him. This one's uncles are famous boxers. The Romero Brothers from the 40's. They are in the boxing hall of fame. Jackie, Tomboy and Elwood. They were called the Fighting Romero's of Sacramento. All the brothers are deceased now. We were all very close when one was younger. Master met them all as well.

This ones grandma, sister of the brothers, has the golden gloves.

Dad boxed as well but never went that far. The brothers raised this ones Dad. So he was in the arena's all the time.

Our son is 12. It will give him good discipline. He asked to do boxing instead of karate. Of course there's no thoughts of glory, but kids have to have dreams. Won't take that from him, instead encourage him. For us it's the idea of a good disciplined sport of sorts. His trainer is a man who boxed for 30 years. Master will be meeting him on Tuesday.

Well Tales from the Dark Side is on now.. and better than an infomercial so will peek at that while checking emails.

Until next time..

Thursday, April 16, 2009

(ECV)Clamper's Down to the Watering Hole

This ones Master leaves in the morning to go Clampin'. He goes atleast twice a year. The watering hole is a type of imagery of sorts to mean they're going to all go gather and drink and eat. Initiate new ones in and just have a blast really.

The project the man has been working on, the little business of sorts will be sold from Friday to Sunday. Sand blasted mugs for the men and talls for the widders. Widders (like herself) are what the woman of the men are called. The mens only fraternity goes back many years. To learn more you can read up here.

When the men were killed in the gold mining days the other men would take care of the women and children left behind.

"Especially the Widders"

You can also learn more at the ECV Gazette,

This one is not sure what she will do with her time. Often thinks to cam or something similar while he's away, (she has his permission) but never does. Just lack the energy even for some fun.

Will probably spend it watching tv, movies, just relaxing. Always worry about him when he's away. He doesn't have a good heart. He has two stents in there from a heart attack at 38.

They spend the weekend getting shit faced. Raise funds for historical restoration. Not long ago they restored a very old cemetary. The kind that give one an almost eerie feeling looking at. The old head stones, large, extremely tall, not like today when ones head stone is just a stone place into the ground.

It's not easy to become a Clamper and this widder is forbidden to discuss initiation details. Lets just say it's not for the weak at heart. ~smiles

You can probably find some secrets online, but this one won't be telling any.

Like the Gorean Philosophy you'll find tons of mis information. Only the true at heart know and understand the real deal. What a comparision she just came up with. But true in many ways.

They all have a name that was given to them by their origional sponser when they became a red shirt. A red shirt implies you got through and belong to the brotherhood. That's no secret and more than likely why in any picture that anyone might see of this ones Master unless is on a more formal basis.. the man is in a red shirt. lol

They take care of their own. You'll often hear a Clamper to another Clamper say, "What say the brother?" and the answer follows.. one of those answers is "Satisfactory".

Well this one can't give all the fun away. Most Clampers are marked with their symbol. This ones Master's is marked on his forearm with a tattoo that says.. ECV 3 surrounded in flames. The Chapter out of Auburn CA.

ECV Lord Sholto Douglas Chapter 3

California's Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger became a member a few years ago. Many U.S. Presidents have been members, many of office.
Would really love to tell a secret on this, but sighs, can't. Sometimes really hate knowing thngs. A certain amount one has to know since she is the founder of Widders Web.

Bet'cha didn't know that?

There's tons of history within this order. Chapter 3 is known for being the toughest. Very few males have the guts to try to get into this one. It takes a man.

Until next time...

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Sexxxxx- Nice 'N Easy--- Mostly

She went to the doctor today, 2nd Post Op appointment, she's coming along well. We discussed the brace, but if the referral for Compass comes through she'll be doing Yoga twice a day and it's suppose to work better.

When we returned home, she had forgotten to ask the doc about something. The man wanted her yesterday, and gave her nipple tugs today, well she knew...

So on his behalf she called to ask (she fumbled her words on the phone) Hi this is Twinkle, er uh, forgot to ask the doc an important question you see, um.. so I know I have to be careful with my lead and I know it's still soon after surgery, but can I, I mean can my man have?

Gosh, finally spit it out. Can we have sex?

The assistant on the line knowing this one's entire history as she's worked there the entire time one has been going there, 5 years now said "just a moment Twinkle, let me ask"

When the assistant came back to the phone, she said" The doctor isn't in now but me and B discussed it and as long as you are gentle, he is gentle with you, we see no reason why you can't".


but Twinkle, gentle.

~wrinkled her nose

So this one says, does this mean no butt spanking and no hair pulling? The girl laughed.

Gentle Twinkle.

Okay... will do so.

So after the called ended she called out for her Master "she screamed out... oh baby.. called the doc on your behalf, all for you my Master... He said "what?"

This one enticed him into the bedroom with a change in voice, still partially yelling as the living room is way down the hall from this bedroom.

He came in. She told him, he could use her, but....(seductive voice) ever so gently.

He nodded and departed the room.

She thought to herself

And turned her browser back to the Forum she was reading.

A few moments later, he comes in, locks the door, pulls away her laptop stand, commands her to the edge of the bed (already didn't have on any panties or sports bra, had changed like she always does when returning home from somewhere) She's wearing a spaghetti strap somewhat tight summer dress that's thigh high.

She did as instructed and moved to the edge, he widened her legs and let her feed off him a few moments, she ravished it, he took it away. ~frown. He teased her and put it back to her lips, she nipped it teasingly back, and took it back in. He took it away again, with one hand he spread her better leg, pulled her hips forward even more pulled her dress up under her neck...


Oh yeah

Here he comes... (well not yet really)

She squeezed her coochie muscles really tight (always does that) as he entered, released as he pounded her (gently) easy but deep even slams, she squeezed again, but harder.. she got goose bumps listening to his moans of pleasure, when he was deep inside her, she squeezed so that when he pulled part way out for the next thrust he could feel the tightness...

Mmm yum yum wowies and.. Oh my God, what a rush! ~purrrsss

Afterward she dipped her fingers into her cooch and licked his gift clean from her fingers while looking into his eyes, then she lowered them with a soft smile on her face.

It was somewhat of a quickie, we did have to be careful, you know..

Then he tossed her a towel and out the door he went.

It was all good.

Until next time...

Monday, April 13, 2009

From AIT 25 Bravo to the 3rd Infantry Divison

She lay awake all night with a different kind of emotion rushing through heart. An emotion that causes her a sense of fear. Our second daughter is the one in the U.S Army. The one the Army rarely knows what they're going to do with her. From not graduating boot camp from a hip fracture that occurred during a midnight training exercise in the water where they were all carrying planks above their heads and one of her unit let go causing a domino effect where she fractured her hip.

4 days before graduation we found out she was graduating after all. The passed her run. Money was tight at the time, but this one had some back pay coming, husbands friend and long time co-worker put the tickets on his credit card for us. All of us. Master, slave, oldest daughter and son. The co worker did this without hesitation, his own free will. He was never asked for such a thing. What a wonderful man. We paid him back in full plus 50 in interest/extra and 20 lottery tickets a bit over a week later for doing something so generous for us.

We went to her graduation in South Carolina and afterward drove to mom and dads where one spent her 40th bday. The kids got to see their grand parents and extended family. None of us had in many years. Our army girl was happy to have her grand parents attend her graduation.

We drove our daughter to AIT in Fort Gordon GA and dropped her off at her new home before driving on to moms.

She came home for Christmas, where we met her then boyfriend. They are always decent before the parents. We were blind sided. We no longer have respect for him. Our daughter tried to file for an anulment but in the State of GA it isn't allowed if one has slept with their husband. A divorce is on it's way. Once he became her husband, he began physically abusing her, humiliating her, degrading her and more. Very sad. They were married spontaneously, out of the blue, court house, had a type of love, but wasn't in love.

This one knew something wasn't right not long after they left to return to GA from Christmas vacation. Our daughter paid for the flight tickets (they weren't married yet) she purchased many things for him that were NOT gifts, but a promise to pay. He drained her.
Our girl had a decent savings. Now it's gone. %$^&$#@@@!!!!

Army girl was suppose to be home this Wednesday, we were told we may not see her for years now. This ones belly tied in knots. She was supposed to be deployed to Germany and then Iraq and because of all the changing information from day to day, we just didn't know anymore. Not long ago we learned she was going to be Medically Discharged. An honorable discharge because of her hip. Not anymore, she graduated, afterall.

Until she graduated from AIT a few days ago. She graduated as the only female into the 3rd Infantry Division at Fort Stewart. Now she'll be transfered to Fort Stewart, Georgia where she'll begin a new kind of training.



~sighs This one is not permitted to tell where her deployment will be after training.

This scares this one. Her dad didn't even like it. One saw the look on his face after he got off the phone with his daughter. She was suppose to stay in what she just finished being trained in. Computer Networking, Intel. Her hip has never been fixed. While she graduated from AIT, she still has to pass a 2 mile run.

Not being trained in battle. Now she will be. We raised a strong girl. She tough and proud.

Have been thinking about this for days now. As my pain increases, during flares, one thinks of this even more.

Everyone say's get everything in writing. And our Soldier Girl did. Apparently it wasn't enough.

It does not matter son or daughter, a mother is afraid to lose her baby ducks. A father keeps most of his emotions inside.

Please continue to pray for our Soldiers, Our Soldier Girl Erykah, too.

Mom has alot on her mind...

Until next time...

(The people in the photos are in the first- brother, Army Girl, older sister. In the second, Army Girl and Dad.)

Sunday, April 12, 2009

It was a Happy Easter morning

Yesterday morning this one biffed it out of bed, like she was shoved and her feet pulled out from beneath her. When she went to take a step, her stimulator went into over drive and she fell forward hard. Both elbows and both knees are still swollen, last night was painful. A pain none of her meds helped. Had easter to get ready, eggs to dye, baskets to prepare, plastic eggs to fill with candy, quarters and bills. We always do that, so the kids get a little money.

Well this ones day was pretty much ruined, couldn't walk, couldn't get rid of the pain, adjusted her stimulator to try to get rid of it, but since it was a different kind of pain it didn't work.

Fell off to a nap fairly early, when she woke she was pleased that her oldest daughter took over for her, got the eggs dyed with her brother and son, her Dad helped put the plastic eggs together. Everything was done. A great relief wasn't taken off her.

Woke this morning still hurting, but got up anyway, after all it's Easter. Had coffee, our son was already awake as was Master. Had a cup of coffee and then she went to wake our grandson and tell him to hurry the Easter Bunny came.

Always loved the light in their eyes, the surprise, the innocence.

About an hour later we hid the plastic eggs for an easter egg hunt. It was great!

What a happy easter

Until next time

Thursday, April 09, 2009

Compass Functional Restorational Center

I went to the doctor yesterday for my post op appointment. I was also re programmed by Medtronic, my new lead is working down farther in my foot as it was meant to do, but still not as far down as my toes which was the target. I seen Medtronic first and then my Pain Manager. I'm healing well and few more weeks and I should be completely healed from the surgery. It can take up to 6 months for my lead to take to the spine, it has to grab onto it and stick into place. This is why it's so important not to do anything too physical, or move abruptly.

My pain Manager is putting in a referral for me to begin the Compass Functional Restorational program.

My doctor heads and leads this program and it's located next door to my pain clinic (The man in the photo is my pain manager himself)

The program is 7 hours a day, 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It scared me. Seriously.
So scared I came home, rested, and then ate 5 peanut butter cookies. Diet goes bye bye.

My vocational rehabilitation eventually became home schooling. I was going to the actual school quite a bit away from home. I couldn't handle 4 days a week for 4 hours. Then I went down to 2 days a week for 6 hours or as long as I could tolerate. A few times I was able to put in an 8 hour day, when pain was lower and I became consumed in my studies. I only graduated from the pre requisite course. I have a Microsoft Office Certificate, but never graduated from the full curriculum which was Corporate Publishing.

In order go through the Compass program I have to pass a phycological evaluation, just like when I was first considered as a candidate for my Spinal Cord Stimulator. You have to be referred, considered and pass.

Of course I want to do this program, I told my Pain Manager I did. It's not being forced upon me. But God I'm scared to fail. I would be happy to not be on the internet all day, I am more than eager to learn new techniques to control pain, I'm looking forward to understanding flare-ups more than I do now and how to get through them.

I can't wait to pass what I learn onto my website and my pain groups, or anyone in chronic pain. This isn't only for people with RSD/CRPS. It's for people who live with Chronic Pain in general.

I don't want to let my Doctor down and they know I have volunteered to do clinical trials and more. To learn from me. I want my body to be studied and used while I'm alive rather than when I'm dead.

I want to go back to work I really do, but it will be a miracle in itself if I manage to get through so many hours, a full week, for 6 weeks. We have to set 3 goals for ourselves. I've been thinking about that since last night. Most people's goal is to return to work or volunteer. If I was able to volunteer outside the home, I would choose work. If I could handle being out and about, I would rather bring in some income for my family.

Unless it was to volunteer at the program, similar program or help others with RSD. Then that would be my pay, I would feel richer than any doing that.

Maybe my calling lies in this somewhere...

I know in my heart this illness was placed upon me for a reason...

A reason I just don't understand completely yet...


"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar". Hellen Keller

And no more peanut butter cookies

Until next time...

Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Sacramento's Tent City

Because times have become so rough, millions of layoff's, the economy being in down road spiral an area of Sacramento has been filled with hundreds of homeless people. The area has come to be known as Tent City. There are tents everywhere in a somewhat secluded area, but not unseen from cars passing and some onlookers. Families, children, bbq's, some without tents, taken in by other homeless. Only a few cars owned, many bicycles, tables.

Tent City is being cleared. A grant has been approved to help these people in shelters, store their belongings while their in the shelter. But... one only gets a night and a hot meal. Worse cases a couple of days and a meal.

Many don't want hand outs, they are surviving the best that they can. These aren't the typical bums or homeless sleeping under bridges, or lazy people who really don't care to work and instead live off others handouts.

These people lost everything. Their jobs, their homes were foreclosed on. Where else do they go? It could have been us. My husband has been unemployed since late November after working for the same company 13 years. A major mass layoff from a company that survived world war 2. They didn't go out of business, they relocated to another state thinking it would save them costs, labor dollars, etc. The man could have taken a transfer, but where would we have gone when we got there? Instead he took his severance package, he cashed out his 401 and a small pension. It is what we are living off of. Luckily I recieved a good chunk of back pay in late October to go with this. We lost our retirement future, but we will not lose our home that we purchased April 15 of last year. Nor will be become homeless, we won't lose our minor son as a result. Our glass is still half full. We figure considering it all. We're still on middle ground.

Leave the people in Tent City Alone

They aren't hurting anyone, they are helping one another, when someone gets work, they share with one another. They have no address so they will not qualify for any type of aid. This also makes getting a job tough.

Usually people compain that lazy people are sucking up all our resources, increase our taxes because of welfare, AFDC and programs like this. Normally I would agree.

I cannot agree now.

So a few people don't like the scenery when they travel and look over to it. Imagine how many neighborhoods across the country that are torn down, beat up, ghetto poor that's always existed. The dirty projects we have to pass on the way to work, or to the store, doctor appointments, school.

People always have something to bitch about, but they aren't the ones in the hole.
I'm certain if they were and there was no where for them to go...they'd go camping too.

There are other smaller tent cities it's just that this one made news headlines several times. The ones now will just pack up and move on to another before letting the city governments make their choices and I hope they do. A day or a couple in shelter gives them what? It gives them a notice that they can no longer stay. With the amount of money they received in grants. $250,000 to start and another $150,000 in the last week or about, they could restore a dump and give them more permanent housing. I would propose a 3 month stay that includes an address, or vacant buildings that are similar to shelters, so they can pick themselves back up. I'm sure $350,000 could rent a couple auditorium type buildings for 6 months to a year and provide 2 groups to stay their 3 months. That could help atleast 300 people at a time. If they're living in tents, I doubt they would complain to live somewhere like this that was more permanent and would actually help them. I would sleep on a cot next to my Master with our son next to us in the corner of a shelter type building if it meant a semi permanent address so he could get work if we were in the same position as those people. Thank God, were not. But can you see how my heart goes out to them? The hard times put them there.

If that's all there was...

We would and we could call it home. My Master would retain his independence, honor and integrity. If there was no plan like this... We'd stay in our tent and go where we would be harder to find.

That's all these families are trying to do.

Leave them be!

Until next time...

Monday, April 06, 2009

An Outing to the Carnival

Sunday morning this one wasn't feeling very well. Emotions got the better of her. As the day went on and especially after she got her shower, she began to feel better about the things that put her in the emotional state.

When evening time came, her Master paused the wrestling match to go get her a bigger tv for the room she's staying in. Gotta love Craigslist. Why pay when a person can get decent for free. Nothing wrong with it but a nob and once he set it up to cable and programmed the remote control. A nearly flawless 27in.

On his way home he called to tell our daughter to get herself and our grandson ready to go to the carnival as it would only be open another 2 hours. They had been asking to go for a couple of days. It comes every 3 months and stays Friday, Saturday and Sunday. It's a fairly large one too. Atleast 20 rides for both adults and smaller kids. And a mini-fairway or midway of games. Our son went with him to get the tv, so he was ready and excited to go already.

When they got home, this one mentioned to them she was thinking about trying to go with them. They were all so happy.

This one put on a little makeup, her hair was already fresh from her shower, she changed out of her nightie and into some loose tan summer pants and a matching tan sleeveless.

It was still really nice out. She wore her black thin fuzzy flip flops. Haven't been able to wear shoes for 8 years. During heavy rain and when absolutely necessary she has a pair of shoes with built in orthodics, they make her swell while wearing them and up to a day or so after from the pressure where the foot was originally damaged. The torn tendens never healed correctly and it's also the site of the original nerve damage. So her flip flops do her best nearly all year long. They're not fuzzy enough for people to notice, but enough for her feet to notice and that's a good thing.

She went with her family. Of course couldn't go on any rides or anything but just being with them made her happy. She had to use her wheelchair which has become more frequent the last 6 months or so, but once she accepted it as a tool that enables her to go out and be with her Master and the family it has truly made a difference. Cannot walk well or for long.

She dislikes her cane and her cane dislikes her. We just don't get along. Am not coordinated enough for it to be this ones friend. It's not even a love hate relationship. The only thing it helps one with is trying to get up a hill. For her birthday in October, he bought her a walking stick.Stick is an understatement though. It's huge, very long or tall, Some call them a Moses staff. That helps her more than a cane ever did. She doesn't use it often, but when she does or needs to it's definately another tool of independence for her.

Had a few pictures taken tonight. Finally some current ones. Still waiting to see the others off the other cam. Will post a couple of the new ones to the side of my blog.

While she didn't go on any rides she did play a couple of games. The tossing of the little balls into the floatie cups didn't go well. she did get a little animal mask and gave it to our grandson. Then the throwing of the darts at the balloons.. always loved that one. The tossing of the little balls was safe for her to do, since she tossed them underhand and the balls are extremely light. She had to play that dart game. She was careful, didn't raise her hand above her head and pop, miss, pop. Master was playing too, pop, pop, pop. We won a medium sized mirror, decided to play again. This time we upgraded and got a large one and a small one. He chose Unicorns. It's really nice. She chose an I Love You.

It was fun. Everyone really had a blast. Oh the grandson did scream a fit when it was time to go though. After his Grandpa spoke to him, he settled down fairly quickly.

Loved the last minute outting to the carnival.

Until next time...

Sunday, April 05, 2009

Emotional Emotions

This one's Master woke her about 11:00am to tell her to take her meds and she did. He didn't tell her to get up, just to get those meds down. She woke up about an hour later, sat up, and stared at her laptop which is on a stand right next to the bed. She took the less important of her meds. The Morphine and Cymbalta is what he told her to take. Those have to be taken properly and on a schedule. Her son brought her some iced coffee all the makings of a wonderful start to her day.

Within a half hour she started crying. Her stimulator wasn't working right, she figured she slept wrong, bending her back, easy to happen especially in ones sleep. There was pressure on her back, not really uncommon, it's healing back there, or should be. She started to get overly emotional that she just went through all this for nothing. Not true, it was for something. She called her Master in to take off her collar because she thought it might be interfering, it's only been back on 2 days. Kind of like when a baby gets an allergic reaction, remove anything new from the baby, like detergents or food. As she lowered her head for him to remove it, she started bawling even worse, she held back as best she could. He understood her feelings though. Her collar takes a screw and allen wrench, it's the one she got for Christmas, an Eternity collar. While it may seem weird to some, that collar is her freedom. All her collars are her freedom. She does not like when it's not there. He's going to look for one of her others, or buy her another in the meantime if need be.

Then she took her temperature and it said 32.9. No! That's impossible. Her emotions started turning to annoyance. The battery must be going out in it. She's been running between 81 and 89.

Then she tried to go potty (yeah that kind) It hurt! because of the pressure on her spine, no doubt.

One supposes because all this smacked her in the face at one time is the reason she feels detached from herself still.

She'll be getting her shower soon. The man is putting our son a computer together now and she hasn't called him to tell him she's ready. After waiting all these days for one, at the moment she doesn't care anymore. But have to do it. Everything is ready, clean towels, a seperate cloth to pat the areas dry, etc.

Have to get it done within the hour no matter what because the man ordered ppv wrestling for him and his son to watch and it starts at 3:00p.m.

Until later...

Friday, April 03, 2009

Still No Shower For You Girl

She went to have her staples removed yesterday and was a ginea pig wench for a girl in the office who's learning to remove staples and outter stitches. Have known this girl for quite awhile and wasn't hesitant to have her learn on me. She did really well, felt little discomfort, no more than a slight tug in one or two of the 17 total. Then the doc this one see's often, not her pain manager/surgeon came in to look her over. This ones butt area looks really good, but the incision on her back we have to watch carefully. There's redness and it's not healing as quickly as the other incision. She see's her actual pain manger next week April 8th. Have been able to cut down on the Norco's since yesterday. It was much easier to try and sleep without having those medling pieces of metal fragments in ones body. Was not allowed to take a shower as planned. Ugh. Back to the baby wipes and such.

In better and more wonderful news

During a phone call this morning we learned that...

Our daughter passed AIT and is not getting sent home on a medical discharge but instead is coming home to visit soon before being deployed.

Knew she could do it.

Until next time...

Wednesday, April 01, 2009

No Shower for You

She was suppose to be able to shower today and isn't allowed to anymore. Not until after getting her staples out tomorrow. Last evening she was resting to try to sleep but then she stood up to go to the rest room and when she came back to the bedroom and was about to get positioned back onto the bed, she reached behind her to make sure her nightie was down all the way, she noticed the bandaged had slipped off the tape, her hand was wet, when she brought it forward, two of her fingers were covered in dark blood. She called her son in, her Master was mowing the front lawn, she asked him how bad it was, he called his dad in. The man had her lay down to check it, it wasn't that bad, the upper part of the stitching/stapling (theres stitches beneath the staples) came open a bit. He cleaned it and re bandaged it.

When the the assistant and her pain management called this morning to tell her the doctor okayed a refill of Norco, which yesterday she was told not until Thursday, this one told the assistant about the blood. It was then she was told not to shower and to wait until after the staples are removed.

A week of baby wipes, fem wipes, and sponge bathing has not been fun. The fem wipes do smell pretty though. lol.

Have had to be even more careful now because am not sure how open it is back there. It hasn't bled like that since. So all is well.

Fell asleep fairly early last night. Just didn't sleep well, it was hard to move and her left leg was not doing well. It's still hurting pretty good. Pain level there about an 8. That's the leg on the same side as the other incision in butt cheek. Think it's pain radiating from one area to the other. Might be stiff muscles too from not being able to get into a good sitting or laying position.

Ohhhh this one's owner has a job interview today.. working from home dispatching for the same company he was laid off from. He wouldn't be working for the old company directly though, instead sub contracting through another.

He already headed out for it...

Until next time...