Exhaustion Runs Through Me

I've been so tired. I have no energy. The pain drains me entirely. I'm often in a daze. I hear voices, but they seem so far away, even when they're just a whisper away. Conversations, television, etc.

I've been asked to co host the Living with RSD radio show beginning Friday June 18 @ 9:00 a.m. PST Guest is a pain management physician with further specialties from NV. while the current co host takes some medical leave days. I'm excited. A little nervous, of course. The shows are live and not scripted. The show I was on last month turned out well. After a few shows I should be fine. The host takes care of nearly all the interviewing, I'll chime in as necessary. I'll be managing the chat room as well. The host is wonderful. She's done well to bring so much information to the masses. Couldn't be happier to be apart of it.

I'm helping a man promote awareness for his "first medical (marijuana) defense trial". Advocating the medicinal use for chronic pain. He's the one facing trial. His story can be found here http://www.CRPSAdvisory.com/JeffreysStory There will be more to come.

I've been really busy. Major tool for chronic pain is distraction.

Been trying to take care of the men of the home, but it's getting harder and harder. My body is so weak. I can get dinner's prepared, cooked and served 3-4 days a week at best. For every day up, it's still the next down. Sometimes I can go 2-3 days in a row, but then a hard crash. Just wish it was a crash that came with sleep. Solid, undisturbed sleep. Never the case. It's a cycle I just can't break. My body can't take it. I have so much guilt for not being able to do more physically. While I know it's not my fault it doesn't make it easier. I care a lot.

I want to do more, I want to jump and up and down, dance, or ski, It hurts like hell to just stand, and when I do, I have to raise my spine slowly up into proper standing position, or my back and spine seizes. Taking just a few steps is sometimes unbearable.

I try to smile often. I love all that I do to help others and all that I advocate for. I wish I had more left in me to do even more. It makes me happy and gives me a sense of purpose. My calling must be in here somewhere. I have to pace my time and effort carefully.

I may need to return to one of the medications I gave up last summer. I made it a year! It's been a really hard year. I did it!

My pain feels like a blow torch has been set to my flesh and the iciest of ice picks have been thrust through me. Continuous, an intense constant ache right down to the bones. Body seizures, jerking hard with no warning, just to cease as quickly as they occur.

Having to tell the one you love to stop a tender caress is as painful emotionally as it is physically. It's really sad.

I can feel myself slipping faster and faster, but there's no rock bottom to crash into, I have to catch myself before I fall. Me! I have to have the will fly upward and so much more than that the determination to go on.

I keep telling myself "pain can't break me". Oh but it tries. I no longer pray for a cure. I pray for calm and ease. Inner peace. I'm really not a sufferer, I am a survivor.

It's all so bittersweet

Until next time...

2nd Week of the FRP completed

Cross posted from MDJ.


Evening everyone

The last two weeks have been so hard. I began the Functional Restoration Program last Tuesday as Monday was a holiday. While I was so interested and hopeful of the program on Tuesday, I was late Wednesday because I thought I couldn't handle it. My legs were hurting, my feet were on fire, it was too much. I wasn't going to go in, but I did. Everyday I do PT, everyday I do Yoga, everyday I do relaxation, several times a day I do biofeedback, everyday I set goals and so much more.

My mobility has gone from nearly nothing to weight bearing on a regular basis. It's not often, but I'm pacing myself and working harder to reach each physical goal that I set. My range of motion (RoM) has improved already. My pain level seemed to be a constant 8+ and emotional level was just as high. Today was the first day I had Physical and Emotional (P&E) level of 6/5.

During my Physical Therapy I walk, I do Mirror Therapy, I do ankle pumps, I ride a bike. I've challenged myself to stairs, I play catch with another CRPS patient to increase movements. IT HURTS. All of it! I have quit 3 entire pain medications and Lidoderme in addition to decreasing morphine 15mgs a day. I went from 7 meds to 2.

Trust me, it isn't easy. We spend a lot of time with the psychological aspects of chronic pain. We are taught about sleep, it's importance, how to sleep if one cannot. I rarely sleep. I have extreme difficulty tackling pain and racing thoughts.

It may take me some time, but I will be passing all that I learn on to you.

I have missed each of you,

Warmest wishes

Until next time...

The Most Important Thing I learned This Week

I have learned quite a bit already in my first 4 days of my rehabilitation program. The most important thing I learned is that my life has been greatly affected by chronic pain. Everything reminded me of pain, in a great sense, I had given up.

Going to the store caused pain, so I stopped going. Being out with my family at all caused pain, so I stopped going anywhere. Walking hurt too bad, so I mostly stopped walking, going to the bathroom would hurt, so I started to hold it as long as I could. Sitting at the computer hurt, so I laid down often. Everything hurt! That's how my life got to this point. I lost any sense of routine, schedules and goals were not always completed on time. If my owner told me to pay the bills they were paid on time. If my son needed help with home work, I helped him, if my daughter needed help, I helped. I only went on for others. Not myself. I put nearly everything that had to do with me, off. I became secluded.

Because my Sympathetic nervous system is damaged, my fight or flight is locked down. It's frozen. A freeze frame. The mis fire of pain recognition signals in my brain, only feels pain. I always feel pain. People with my same illness do also. All of us to a similar extent.

There's nothing I can do to stop it, but I'm learning to get through it and go on.

I have to have a routine. I have to wake at a certain time. Do my Yoga, relaxation and breathing. I have to make daily goals and achieve them.

I cannot tell myself I will try to do this or I will try to accomplish that. I have to tell myself "I will". Saying that "I will try" leaves me open for choice, options and allows me to set myself up for failure or not doing as planned. Telling myself I will leaves no option but to do it. My psyche is being reprogrammed, reconditioned.

I have written my own mantra for meditating.

I was late to program on Wednesday. My pain was so overwhelming the evening of my first day that I was already giving up. I was already telling myself "I can't". I was in tears. I was sobbing when one of the doctors called to ask why I wasn't there. I had no option but to get my ass up and go. Everything was ready. My clothes, my lunch, my homework, but I was hurting and that made me not want to. Just like not wanting to go to the store or anything else. It reminded me of pain.

I am to be there by 8:30 a.m. My doc called at 10:00 a.m. My owner got me there by 10:45 a.m or about. I was to start walking that day as part of my therapy. I suppose that was in the back of my mind and again I knew it would hurt me, so I tried to avoid it as not to hurt more.

I am about 10 days off of 3 medications. Right now it's painful withdrawal symptoms on top of CRPS pain as well as movement I'm not at all use to.

It's hard to be somewhere when you haven't slept also. I hadn't slept Tuesday night. I finally did Wednesday night and Thursday I got 4 hours out of an attempted 9. Last night I told myself I would be up at 7:00 a.m which is the latest I can be up during the week in order to be on time. Since I have to put a schedule to my life, I kept it the same. I got up at 8 a.m. It was so hard. It seems silly in a way maybe that it would be so hard for me, but...
it was and while I missed by goal by an hour, I did make great progress considering my pre program ways.

While I will always physically "feel" pain, it doesn't mean I cannot be happy. It doesn't mean that my future should be a waste, or that my present is too hard to live through. I may think it all is, but it's not.

Being submissive doesn't help me here, being owned hardly matters, him pushing me isn't going to do it. Him being more strict won't make it happen. He can't save me! He can't stop the pain. I HAVE CHANGE ME! I HAVE TO WANT A PRODUCTIVE FUTURE! I HAVE TO WANT TO SERVE BETTER!

This program is showing me how. God knows I've teeter tottered on the edge of bye bye too many times because I don't know how to get through it and move forward. So many times I thought I was. By all the good things I've still accomplished through it all. I wasn't really living, I've been surviving day to day, that's all.

Am making dinner tomorrow. Spaghetti, salad and french bread (no bread for me though).

Today I will be practicing breathing. I have to learn to slow my breathing down. I forgot the name of the machine, but they put a strap around my belly to measure my breaths onto a screen. Biofeedback. I'm always in a hyperventalative state. Jeez. Had no idea. I breathe way too fast. This is something I can change. It will take time, but it CAN be fixed.

I have to listen to a relaxation cd today as well, and do some homework. I have to work on my "Factors". I'll explain more about Factors another time. I had to memorize 10 images in the Memory Master System (MMS) already, now I have to memorize them backwards. This is a pain diversion therapy.

I'm not yet in the "Zone" (remaining in my happy place inside my mind) with a score of 80 or above on my Freeze Frame biofeedback. I can only move forward once I've done so twice. My highest score has been 72 and my lowest 59 I think.

4 more people start the program on Monday.

And I'll be introduced to more PT and calming techniques.

Until next time..

Reflections

Haven't written in a few days and have had a lot on my mind. For one, I just can't seem to shake the pain that invades my body everyday. The last 2 days have been rough. It seems like it's just one flare-up right into the next. My knees feel twisted, my calf is constantly on fire, meds hardly help, so I end up putting myself to sleep with Tylenol PM just so that I won't feel as much pain in my sleep. And hardly any until I awake for some reason.

I started treating my face with a series of lotions and my face is smooth and soft again. Even lines that started to appear are gone. Almost like a glow a woman gets when she's pregnant. I'm not pregnant though. Nope, nope, nope. That's a done deal.

Today I meet with the team of doctors at Compass to determine a plan of rehabilitation for me. Rehabilitation isn't really the right word, I can't think of the word the assistant said to me on the phone, but it's setting up a plan of action to help me achieve some goals either way. Obviously I have been cleared as a candidate for this program.

One I know they're going to help me try to wear shoes again. I haven't wore any aside from hard rains for 8 years and I don't often go out in the rain, only if I have an appointment to go to. We're going to start turning my stim (SCS) off at night, I can't quite recall what else, but today I will learn what we're going to do for sure. While I'll more than likely be sharing with others what I learn as I go in this program, later, I'll be compiling a paper of teaching.

I've been keeping busy Leading the pain group and doing well.

I've been thinking about God and the bigger picture. Receiving at least a dozen of private emails a day asking me to pray for them in their darkest hours of pain. I always do. I've been called an inspiration so many times in open forum and privately. How can this not make me feel good? It does. It always does.

There's a Neurotropin study in Clinical Trial and still recruiting patients for CRPS type 2. Unfortunately the study is too far away for me to particape in.

Something came up in the group that really got me thinking.. One person said they believed all things happen for a reason, something I've thought also, then another person said if they believed that things happen for a reason they'd have to also believe they did something so bad as to have this illness placed upon them. The girl ended the sentence with.. I've never done anything so bad to deserve this.

That really got me thinking... I even found it to be true in many ways. It made me think of myself and my past, growing up, adulthood etc.

I too have never done anything to deserve this. I've always been a helping hand, a listener, a warm compassionate, passionate, always giving, not caring to receive, a life of service of one kind or other.

It reminded me in a way of when bad things happen to good people.

Until next time...

Prayer

This was sent to me by someone I've become closer to over time. Someone who's husband became involved to find this for me, people who could be considered as strangers from a distant in some small ways, but who have reached out with compassion, care and friendship. I can't see this friendship as anything but growing.

I tend to believe that many of us are meant to be in each others lives. Meant to cross paths for the better good. A few for the lesser good. Tests maybe.

This inspired me to the point tears fell. It happened to be sent while I was feeling terrible pain. It was received when my state of being and physical pain was overwhelming.

Within a few minutes of reading my pain began to subside. Whether or not others find this to be true... it is. There can be several reasons for it if one wants to consider that the reading itself had nothing to do with the decrease. At the very least it brought a sense of peace and tranquility within me and that alone could be the contributor of the relief. Had these passages and prayer not been available I truly believe that my pain would not have decreased at that time. I had not yet taken any pain medication. I had not been awake long. I was feeling detached, like I was bouncing in and out of myself. I contributed that to the possibility that I did not take my Cymbalta yesterday, or... during my sleep I did not wake to take my Morphine. Withdraws come quickly with these meds. It's why it's important to take as prescribed and on time. The pain itself is different.

I'd like to share what was sent to me...

"It is important that we approach God with integrity and in attitude of humility. But because we fear making a negative confession, we sometimes cross the line of honesty into the line of denial and delusion. Let's be honest. God already knows what we are feeling. He can handle our anger, complaints, and disappointments. He understands us. He is aware of our human frailties (Ps. 103:14) and can be touched with the feelings of our infirmities (Heb. 4:15)"

"Sometimes when you are in teh midst of discouragement, it is difficult to remember that you have ever known any Scripture. I admonish you to read this prayer aloud until you recognize the reality of God's Word in your spirit, soul, and body. Remember, God is watching over His Word to perform it. (Jer. 1:12 AMP) He will perfect that which concerns you. (Ps 138:8)"

PRAYER

"Lord, I do not understand why You have allowed this trouble to assail me. It was after I began to follow You in obedience that this trouble was manifested in my life. I have exhausted all my possibilities for changing my situation and circumstances and have found that I am powerless to change them. I believe; help me overcome my unbelief. All things are not possible with man, but all things are possible with You. I humble myself before You, and You will lift me up.

I have a great High Priest Who has gone through the heavens; Jesus, Your Son. And I hold firmly to the faith I profess. My High Priest is able to sympathize with my weaknesses. He was tempted in every way, just as I am -- yet was without sin. I approach Your throne of grace with confidence, so that I may receive mercy and find grace to help me in my time of need.

In the face of discouragement, disappointment, and anger, I choose to believe that Your word to Moses is Your word to me. You are mighty to deliver. Because of Your mighty hand, You will drive out the forces that have set themselves up against me. You are the Lord, the Promise-Keeper, the Almighty One. You appeared to Abraham, to Isaac, and to Jacob, and established Your covenant with them.

Father, I believe that You have heard my groaning, my cries. I will live to see Your promises of deliverance fulfilled in my life. You have not forgotten one word of Your promise; You are a Covenant-Keeper.

It is You Who will bring me out from under the yoke of bondage and free me from being a slave to RSD. You have redeemed me with an outstretched arm and with mighty acts of judgement. You have taken me as your own, and You are my God. You are a father to me. You have delivered me from the past that has held me in bondage and translated me into the Kingdom of love, peace, joy, and righteousness. I will no longer settle for the pain of the past. Where sin abounds, grace does much more abound.

Father, what You have promised, I will go and possess, in the name of Jesus. I am willing to take the chance, to take the risk, to get back into the good fight of faith. It is with patient endurance and steady and active persistence that I run the race, the appointed course that is set before me. I rebuke the spirit of fear, for I am established in righteousness. Oppression and destruction shall not come near me. Behold, they may gather together and stir up strife, but it is not from You, Father. Whoever stirs up strife against me shall fall and surrender to me. I am more than a conqueror through Him Who loves me.

In His name I pray, amen."

___________________________________

And in his name I do pray.. Amen

Until next time..

First Appointment at Compass

Yesterday I went to meet the Psychologist and Physical Therapist at Compass. For the course of this program I'll be dropping the use of 3rd person speech from my blog. This has to do with my treatment.

I met with the Psychologist first. I gave a history, did memory tests and so forth. I filled out those psych tests and PTSD test thingy. I've was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back.

After I met with my Physical Therapist. Not like any other PT person I've ever met before. He took an additional history, more so, trying to get to know me. He asked how long I can stand, walk etc. When he looked over at me and ask how long I could sit without leaning onto the arm of the chair like I was doing.. I didn't have an answer for him. I don't always realize I'm doing that. He told me he would never be able to take my pain away, of course this is always a hard thing to hear, but I do already know this. He said he is skeptic when people say.."I'm willing to try anything" as I did also. This is when he went on to tell me my pain would always exist. I accepted his word. I understand. But there's a chance to manage it. And I'm ready to learn.

He had me try to stand one one foot at a time while he counted to 10. I did decently I think though I looked like I was flying trying to keep balance.

He dropped a pen on the floor and told me to pick it up. I did, but did it horribly, he dropped the same pen and asked me to kneel on one leg, I did so, he told me to never do it again. he could tell I hurt myself in doing so, I didn't whine a single whimper, I blew that one.

We moved to the bed, I slid up on it, he tested range of motion in my feet, I did pretty well. We tested my toes, I can bend my left, my right embarrassed me. The first 2 toes, try to bend, the 3rd and forth don't and all and my baby toe splays out like it's waving.

He poked me with a bent out paper clip, shit! But I didn't whine, my face flushed though, he could tell. He tested sensitivity, I knew I had Allodynia, was diagnosed with it before, he confirmed it. As well as another, Dystonia, also re confirmed.. He checked my body temperature in those limbs, temperatures were off by degrees. They always are.

The atrophy in my right calf is 2.5 cm, not too bad. In previous years it stayed at 2. this last year decreased to another .5.

I didn't expect this coming...

He told me to look him in the eyes (ugh) so I did. He asked me what my leg was, I hesitated and answered my leg? He asked me what my foot was, um, my foot?

Apparently I had been calling both of them "it" the entire time. It burns, it swells, it changes color see? it it it

That was a no no. I was disassociating those parts of my body from myself. I didn't realize.

With the command of having me look into his eyes and hold it.... I had a deja vu or flash back... of being back among Goreans. sheesh!

I have to start using the rough washcloth again as home therapy to desensitize, turn my stim off at night. I'll try turning my stim off at night this week, I started to last night, but found a setting while starting too that felt good, so.... on it stayed.

I'm not sure when this is suppose to start, I have to meet with them again and I don't have that appointment date yet. This time I'll be meeting with the team. What is nice is they include you in everything. It's not like one doc says one thing, and another says another, and one is going back and forth not understanding. I meet with all of them together. I've never been apart of a team of doctors before.

Today I am so sore, I suppose from pressing towards my toes when I picked up the pens or bending my foot at the same time.

As a Group Leader I speak in first person, during my new learning I have to also for my own well being. To say "she" is disassociating me from me. Interesting in a brand new light.

Until next time..

Compass Functional Restorational Center

I went to the doctor yesterday for my post op appointment. I was also re programmed by Medtronic, my new lead is working down farther in my foot as it was meant to do, but still not as far down as my toes which was the target. I seen Medtronic first and then my Pain Manager. I'm healing well and few more weeks and I should be completely healed from the surgery. It can take up to 6 months for my lead to take to the spine, it has to grab onto it and stick into place. This is why it's so important not to do anything too physical, or move abruptly.

My pain Manager is putting in a referral for me to begin the Compass Functional Restorational program. http://www.sacpainclinic.com/compass.php

My doctor heads and leads this program and it's located next door to my pain clinic http://www.sacpainclinic.com/ (The man in the photo is my pain manager himself)

The program is 7 hours a day, 5 days a week for 6 weeks. It scared me. Seriously.
So scared I came home, rested, and then ate 5 peanut butter cookies. Diet goes bye bye.

My vocational rehabilitation eventually became home schooling. I was going to the actual school quite a bit away from home. I couldn't handle 4 days a week for 4 hours. Then I went down to 2 days a week for 6 hours or as long as I could tolerate. A few times I was able to put in an 8 hour day, when pain was lower and I became consumed in my studies. I only graduated from the pre requisite course. I have a Microsoft Office Certificate, but never graduated from the full curriculum which was Corporate Publishing.

In order go through the Compass program I have to pass a phycological evaluation, just like when I was first considered as a candidate for my Spinal Cord Stimulator. You have to be referred, considered and pass.

Of course I want to do this program, I told my Pain Manager I did. It's not being forced upon me. But God I'm scared to fail. I would be happy to not be on the internet all day, I am more than eager to learn new techniques to control pain, I'm looking forward to understanding flare-ups more than I do now and how to get through them.

I can't wait to pass what I learn onto my website and my pain groups, or anyone in chronic pain. This isn't only for people with RSD/CRPS. It's for people who live with Chronic Pain in general.

I don't want to let my Doctor down and they know I have volunteered to do clinical trials and more. To learn from me. I want my body to be studied and used while I'm alive rather than when I'm dead.

I want to go back to work I really do, but it will be a miracle in itself if I manage to get through so many hours, a full week, for 6 weeks. We have to set 3 goals for ourselves. I've been thinking about that since last night. Most people's goal is to return to work or volunteer. If I was able to volunteer outside the home, I would choose work. If I could handle being out and about, I would rather bring in some income for my family.

Unless it was to volunteer at the program, similar program or help others with RSD. Then that would be my pay, I would feel richer than any doing that.

Maybe my calling lies in this somewhere...

I know in my heart this illness was placed upon me for a reason...

A reason I just don't understand completely yet...

____________________________________________________________

"One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar". Hellen Keller
____________________________________________________________

And no more peanut butter cookies
sheesh

Until next time...

Yesterday Was Better (Bandages changed- Pics Included.

Yesterday was better than today. Am thinking the there was still some local left over from the day before and that is why. She hurts like hell today. Laying down hurts even worse. Been sitting up for the most part, with her legs crossed in indian style, trying to keep her spine straight as she has to be very careful not to screw up this new lead.

The man took his son and sons friend to the movies today. In fact they are still not home. This one is fairing decently on her own. Really wanted them to go and so let them know over and over it was really okay to leave her. Can get to the rest room fairly well without help, just have to take baby steps and use the walls for support. The walker is nearby too if needed, but am okay without it.

Have no appetite at all.

Blood is coming through her bandages but not saturated, should be fine until he's home to change them for her.

The center called in Cephalexin to the pharmacy before she went into the OR. Even heard the nurse make the call. Well the pharmacy isn't filling it. They sent her Master home with 4 for her, she took them the first day home. She's suppose to be taking them every 4 hours. And the doctor was serious about her not missing a single dose. She hasn't any since. WC pays for all this, supposedly the pharmacy said they didn't get the authorization to fill it. She's kind of not believing that, would believe more that after giving her a few to take home without an authorization, someone didn't fax them on time. Jeez could already be infecting.

While she's writing this the man just called and said he's going back to the pharmacy, they're open today and if it's still not been filled, he's going to find out how much it is cash pay.

Lysol isn't going to stop infection from within her body. Just hoping the antibiotic IV bag they gave her is still helping until she gets the others.

The Norco's barely decrease the pain from the incisions, stinging and bruising. Morphine and Norco together just makes her so high, she's distracted. Better than nothing. Last night she took a 15mg of Morphine, 1 Norco, 2, 0.5mg of Klonopin, 2 Tizanadine...and her ass was knocked out fast. Just didn't stay that way more than a half hour. But was way loopy loopy lah lah even so.

All this aside, her mood is good, her attitude is positive and she can't wait for any possibility of better things to come. If even for a little while.

Really really really am hopeful

Until next time...

Edited to add after posting- The man cashed paid for her antibiotics and will be home shortly.

Night Before Jitters

She feels compelled to let some emotions out. This is her safe place. Her space and so will do so. Yep, am scared about tomorrow. Have had terrible anxiety all day today. Feeling like she's being detatched from her body and then jumping back in. A feeling of a roller coaster going really fast then slowing down then going really fast again. She doesn't favor roller coasters in the first place and so it's a scary feeling for her. She had forgotten to take her Klonopin which is for anxiety and fear. A friend, t, reminded her to do so for the reasons mentioned. She did so. While those emotions are easing now, the thoughts are still looping through her mind.

Will probably not be in any severe pain tomorrow evening as the anesthesia/pain relief from the surgery itself will still be working. 12 hours after is when the pain will start setting in and she will begin to feel the pain from the incisions. She'll be stitched and stapled.

If she recalls correctly, last time the staples were removed 10 days later. The inner stitches desolve. Though when she had the staples removed she did have two stitches poking out of the cut. The doc just snipped them.

The family is getting colds and have had sniffles today. twinkle so does not need to get sick. Hand sanatizer and Lysol is standing by. Several clean sheets and pillow cases. Everything is ready now.

Pain or not, she knows she will be online as much as she can. Even if finger pecking the keyboard. Will be on her tummy in the bed for a couple of days. Her mobile laptop stand which is adjustable will be nearbye. It can also be used as a tray for meals. Will only be able to use one hand to reach out a bit with. Her Norco's were filled today. So have them when the pain starts to get worse.

Being down for 2 months is going to drive her nuts.

Will be taking all piercings out in the morning, he already took her collar back off. Will be wearing light clothing there. Very loose shorts and a t-shirt. No eating or drinking 8 hours prior. That will be tough on this girl. Even the 4 hour no eating or drinking for the blocks is tough.

twinkle is not looking foward to her ass being exposed to an OR of atleast 12 people again. Medtronic will be in there too. Atleast 2 of them. One sits next to the anesthesiologist, so after they cut her fix the current lead and add the other, they wake her up before stitching and stapling her back together.

When the Medtronic guy starts talking to her after she's woken, she's only allowed to say yes or no. Yes to if she feels the stimulation and No if she doesn't. They'll adjust it, and go back to the Yes or No answers again. When that's all accomplished, she will be put back to sleep and the incisions will be closed. Then she goes to recovery for at least an hour. Then gets to come home. Yay!

Tonight twinkle was called on to write something for her pain group unrelated to any of this. It was her knowledge that was being sought. She did so. Is called on often by the Group Leader. This makes her feel good. Even when she's away for days at a time, if she's called upon, she's there to do what's needed right away.

To everyone that's sent well wishes to her here, in IM and in email, thank you.
This means alot.

Until next time

Time For a Color Change and Other Things

I get bored semi-often with my appearence. I've been brunette, fully blonde, had fuscia colored hair, streaks, red, and so on and so forth. Right now, my hair is dark brunette with light caramel streaks. Frosted, but lightly. Next, I already have the stuff to do it, I'm gonna chunk it. My bangs which are nearly to my chin now, the immediate sides and the top blondish and leaving underneath and the bottom dark.

I'm not sure when I'm going to get around to it. If I don't do it soon, I won't be able to for a couple months because my down time will set it back.

I already watched a movie tonight. Spent time out in the living room with the family for a couple of hours prior, and slept in way too late again. I didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m. I woke because the pain in my legs was getting out of hand and because I didn't want to reach over and take my meds earlier since it would caused me to not go back to sleep, I didn't take them. Finally I didn't have a choice. I woke, took them, and got up.

I'm still eating mostly only veggies and drinking the slim fast shakes. I had 2 bites of general chicken, 2 bites of chow mein and about 5 bites of rice the other night. That's it.

I had a mushroom bowl yesterday sauteed in a tiny bit of butter or margarine, or whatever it was in there. And then a salad with tomato later with a couple table spoons of diet italian and a shake. We're out of oranges, tangerines, banana's etc. Between me and the grandson, we wiped them out.

I give him a quarter to half of whatever I have. I usually peel 2 tangerines though since they're small. Started drinking Crystal light, diluted.

Tomorrow will cook up a cabbage, that's it, nothing added. A little sea salt and pepper on it after it's in my bowl.

I'm probably still not eating right, but I know it's better than it was. I'm trying to eat something small 6 times a day, but it's mentally hard for me. My mind thinks if I eat like that especially when it's easy to go a day or two without eating that I will gain weight.
On the other hand, I know it's true that eating smaller, more often, is better. I just have to keep convincing myself it's okay.

Like today, sleeping in so late, I only ate once. I had broccoli again and added a slice of colby jack to it.

There's an excersise bike simulator thingy I want to get. It's just the pedals. You set it at your feet, sit and pedal.

Maybe that will help me some. I know I will not be able to tolerate it for long, but even 10 minutes at a time, or 5 minutes twice a day will help.

Just keep thinking of things that will help me when it's difficult to excersise at all.

They say blondes have more fun, but brunettes get the job done.

hahahaha, maybe being both is exactly what I need.

Until next time...

Bi-Weekly Update

Slept nearly all day today, woke up about 7p.m this evening. I got a few weeks relief from my blocks, but the last 4 days has returned completely. While I had problems with my back during the weeks past, it hadn't come back in my foot yet. It's back and burning like hell.

For the most part and since I'm lacking finding things online to do other than my daily ritual of reading and replying to emails, checking up to see if there's any new clinical trials etc, checking into my pain group, I've been watching movies on my computer.

I thought I'd get my surgery date sooner, but it doesn't really surprise me that I haven't. It has to go before a review board before authorization.
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Our daughter goes to Germany in May as of now and then deploys to Iraq in November. She was suppose to be home one more time in April, but because she's having trouble passing her 2 mile run due the hip fracture, she may have to stay behind to practice and/or complete it. If she does have to stay behind, her husband will be coming to join us for 2 weeks. It's cheaper to fly here to the in laws than it is to fly home to his home town in Puerto Rico. We're happy to have him. Met him over Christmas time. We like him, but it may seem kind of awkward without our daughter home, too.

They have their own room here. (I'm in it now lol), but will be moving to our sons room soon enough. If I don't get my surgery date before he comes will just straighten this one back up and move to the other sooner.
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It's really hard having pain return, you get that break of ease, of relief and then when it comes back it seems it's ten fold when it's probably really not. It's just that you think it is because of that break in pain. If find myself, or should I say my family finds me having fallen asleep sitting up with my face in the palms of my hands, or laying on my side with my left hand propping my cheeck up. I just doze off.
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Well I'm about to pop a dvd into my laptop and try to get some relaxation going on.

I wish you all most well,

Until next time...

Meltdown

I've been on a nearly 2 day meltdown, asleep nearly all that time. The pain in my leg and back right now is just nuts. My foot is still doing good. I've been more active this week is probably why. The Dance Jubilee, our grandsons birthday party and the man took me out as well. All in a matter of 3 days. Can't say I didn't have fun, I did. My body just can't take too much and I wasn't able to pace myself well enough given the activities at hand.

Oh and the romp in the hay, okay, the bed, was fun too, but erm... Gosh, I'm sore now.

I lost my nose ring in my sleep, my other one was nearly off my face, I had to pull it back thru with my teeth, and my collar is still not on. I really feel naked. Extremely!

He'll put my collar back on Tuesday after we return home.

He said I've been getting a little too "lippy" with it off.

No way... not me! I mean, okay, maybe an itsi bit.

~rubs my temples... Oopsie doodles then, fine, I'm guilty!

Another and final block this Tuesday. 2 more days.

Until next time...

May all your ups and downs be in bed.

$600.00 Bucks was the Price for Freedom

On New Year Eve's day, my Master had to take Freedom to the vet. He wasn't eating, he was cowering down, snapping and growing, but not biting, and we knew something was wrong. Freedom is just a year old now, his temper is easy. Our grandson who will be 3 next month rides him like a horse, pulls his tail, lays on him, they tussle together, so the difference in temper the 2 days prior was really a warning.

He had an infection from a dog bite a week prior when he decided to dart past us out the front gate and go sniff up the neighbors lawn. The dog that lives at that house jumped the fence and bit him.

He goes back to the vet tomorrow to have the 4+ drain tubes removed from his neck.

IV, antibiotics and pain pills

$600.00

We're not informing our neighbors. Both animals were off leashes, our dog was on their property and their dog was only defending it's own property. That's how we look at it. The neighbors knew the day it happened and apologized.

We didn't realize the wound had infected. Our problem.

But $600.00 bucks, good grief!!! We paid it in full. We were so not putting the dog down, just glad we had the cash on hand even though it was a month's worth a mortgage payment. Our entire mortgage is $950, but our oldest daughter pays $400.00 for her own family living here. Atleast her portion is rent, all utilities, laundry, etc etc included.

Okay, so we'll have to make some cut backs. Christmas is over and it was cut back time anyway.

We'll make due.

I cooked a ham New Years Eve and played Wii, slept all day New Year and woke today. Erykah was out all night with the girls and just got home. Infact, I think she's been away since New Years Eve. Poor Fiance was stuck here. sheesh.

They leave for the San Francisco airport at 4:00 a.m.

Am not sure when we'll see her again. Maybe I can make it to GA for one last visit before she gets sent off. She'll be at AIT another 6 months, I think.

If they get married before they're stationed, I think they get to go together, if not, then they'll get separation pay.

I'm feeling separation anxiety again. My pain is uncontrollable. And I'm not sure what to do to sidetrack myself.

Separation anxiety + Chronic pain = Hurts alot!