Monday, June 29, 2009
Today though I was placed back on Morphine twice a day. In 2 weeks I start a treatment program using a med similar to Methadone, but called Suboxone. And actually the first of it's kind since Methadone in the last 30 years. It's also been used to treat pain. Still in clinical trials for that, so I'll be a test subject of sorts and I think that's okay with me. I say "I think" because I felt like a failure in many ways even though I've succeeded. I still started out with 7 types of medications a day, equaling more than 15 a day by intake and am only on 2 and when I quit the Morphine again it will just be replaced with the new. So just 3 intakes of pills a day.
I have to remember I have come far in such a short time. I have 8 days left until graduation. Weekends don't count.
I have to work on my "Self Talk". I'll discuss that at another time for those unsure of what it means.
Gosh, there's so much I've learned I haven't talked about yet. I know I've said I would and I will when I have more time. Might be a month from now when all that gets started.
In the meantime..
I truly wish each of you most well
Always breathe easy...
Until next time..
Sunday, June 28, 2009
Okay but seriously...
It was not for pity or attention... it was because people do do this. I've done it. Some can say those of us who have are crazy... (I am crazy lol). We aren't that crazy after all.
It is a release of sorts. For me pain diverts pain, a distraction. When you are barely holding on and you can't get rid of physical or emotion pain... it's a reaction.
All in one sweep of my nails from my right fingers... I did it to my left arm. There wasn't any warning... it simply occurred. I had already done it to my upper wrist 2 days prior. I wear a scruncie on my wrist, so no one could see at program.
This has nothing to do with attempted suicide or suicidal ideations...
It's like a swimming pool full of water... and pulling the plug to let it out...
Until next time...
Saturday, June 27, 2009
2. Our sons graduation from the 6th grade was very awesome. I walked on my own 2 feet. While in the past I would dwell on what I couldn't do, I now smile at what I can do. I've now come to realize that 7 minutes can really get me real far.
3. I graduate from my FRP approx. July 17th. I have a couple of make up days.
4. I'm listening to music a lot more again. For years that's what I would do if on the comp or cleaning, etc. For over 2 years, I've barely listened at all. Pain even made music go away.
5. I did more than crash and burn the other night, I got drunk while withdrawing and cut myself across my entire left arm from shoulder down, upper wrist, it's like what's stuck inside in one place, I let out another. .... well, what's done is done.
6. I didn't get 5150'd, 'tis a good thing too, I might have resisted arrest. Phew!
7. I've lost a lot of weight.
8. It feels so good to be bad and so bad to be good.
9. Everyday is a learning experience.
10. No regrets.
Until next time...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
I made a post to the GP forum on CM that was not so nice. I will accept the consequences of my actions, but I cannot regret them fully. When regret starts to take over I have to remind myself there is no regret.
I feel soooooo free now.
I got rid of a part of my life that caused hurt to linger inside me. I don't feel that anymore. New emotions are trying to make their way inside me because of my actions, but I'll keep shoving them back.
No it's not my nature to do or say what I did. It's my nature to let people walk on me, use me, be there for everyone else but myself. I am being taught, molded and re programmed in a very different way.
Right now I'm a slave to a team of doctors in a way, they set my entire day for me, every last minute of it is scheduled by them. My routine is what others require of me.
Yesterday wasn't easy to say the least... and in so many ways was detrimental...
But I accomplished something regardless the outcome...
My plate isn't spilling over anymore.
Until next time...
Sunday, June 21, 2009
(Cross posted from MDJ June 21, 2009)
As you know I've been quite busy with the Functional Restoration program which I've been attending since May 26th. I will graduate around the 15 of July.
When my doctors told me to let everything go that had to do with RSD/CRPS, I didn't understand. I even struggled with it. I didn't understand why they would tell someone who's put years into advocating, promoting, advertising, supporting RSD related circumstances and their heart to just.... back off.
I'm finally understanding why.
When we speak of pain, share our stories, discuss WC, all the pain it's caused us physically and mentally, the turmoil, the stress, how there is no cure for us, we are reliving the injury and pain that brought us to a suffering point of existence over and over again.
After deep deep thought, I can now understand what they mean and for our own sakes.
While I always believed that opening up (when I was finally able to do it) was a road to acceptance, I never believed in any way that by doing so could be detrimental to me.
Because I've started too much that I can't go back on, I won't be leaving what I did behind. (what I did was bring many of us together, offer knowledge and insight, and more, just like most of us do) We're on this road to make a change, provide awareness and really try to do something about it.
Instead I have to find balance to do as my doctors instructed me AND finish what I started.
Now I ask each of you.. (Please think about this carefully)
Does it help you to speak of your prior lives, your existing pain, all the hell this has cast down upon you...
Or when you really think about it...
Does it tense you to do so? If it tenses you, it's adding to physical pain, if it's causing you to think back, it's adding to your emotional pain. This will always keep us in a painful cycle.
Just because I've finally come to believe this to be true, at least mostly true, doesn't at all mean any of you do. Instead, I would just like to know your feelings about it.
There is no right or wrong answer.
Thank you in advance for sharing...
( My name has been omitted because it just doesn't matter)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I'm going out this weekend. Back to my people, where I'm known and recognized. A little bar in West Sac. I used to work there under previous ownership. It's like a real life Cheers, even though there's an actual bar called Cheers just down the street.
Everyone knows me........
I've hid for years... Isolated...
It's time to be...........
The new me... a mixture of the old me...
And just fucking live... You know?
Who gives a shit if it's over, almost over... whatever...
It's that moment that counts...
I have no worries that it won't count... It's going to.
I can't be sorry like took the road that it did.. I have to embrace every moment of the differences and learn to accept them, gracefully.
I just gotta let people love me.. instead of hiding when they tell me they do.
Grab onto today and not let go... let tomorrow take its own course and let the future be what destiny has already conquered.
No I don't always like to accept that, but I have to.
If someone thinks I'm stuck up or into myself, it's not true, truth lies in what it is and has always been...
It's easier to pick someone else up than implement the changes and growth of self.
I'm understanding self-dialogue better and better..
the words of a fellow pain patient rather than self theory or self talk..
Be happy for what you've been gifted..
Do you believe in angels?
Until next time...
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Yay! It's the weekend! It's going to go by quickly, I know. Last night was hard as hell. I got through it by meditating. I fell asleep sitting up several times and each time I laid back down, my P&E sky rocketed. I didn't wake up on time this morning, but was up by 10:00 a.m.
Coming off Morphine is so yucky. It's not like it was last year when I was hospitalized for major withdrawals, that was a cold turkey withdrawal because I couldn't hold anything down from the flu. This is easier, just not easy enough.
I've missed the bathroom a couple of times, so have a bucket near me. The body doesn't know if it's going to um puke or potty, so one gets both feelings at the same time. Not fun!
I have some good news on another subject but will share it another time.
I think I mentioned previously that I'm losing weight. I know a few of my meds contributed to this and since I'm not taking them, it's just falling off. I'm not fit by far, but pounds themselves are just disappearing. I'm working to tone myself with the loss.
Everytime I pull my tanktop up, I get excited. The panties I hate wearing are so loose. And while this may not be very tactful of me, I just slide my hands down my shorts right in front of everyone to pull them up. Program, family, it doesn't matter. lol
I'm handling this all quite well considering most of it. Many would not dare give up their meds. I did. Nope I cannot say it will be forever. Besides I shouldn't worry about tomorrow right? Right! But I do anticipate it. It's just part of who I still am. No different really than anticipating my owners thoughts so that I could know what he wanted or wants before being told. Still there are some differences I suppose.
I had my re eval yesterday and I met my goals. Infact, I exceeded them.
(puts the bucket aside again, ugh)
It would be so easy to pop a pill or 3 and make the withdrawals stop, but I won't. I think the tummy cramps are the worse. The headache has past for now. I have though been using Tylenol and Aleve.
It's a good day overall. I can take my night time Morphine in a few hours. On Monday that may be cut as well and then I'll be off everything 'cept 120 mgs a day of Cymbalta.
I just don't want to experience the continued withdrawals. I admit I'm scared to feel more.
Oh yeah... my sex drive is increasing. Yep it was screwed up because of all them meds also. Sometimes it just wasn't there. Not that it mattered much to me, I still serve the man at his will.
But now.... ? After a nearly 9 year decrease in sexual appetite. I just might poop him out. It's all been building up ya know and and.... um...
I was about to get graphic, I'll be good....
Until next time...
Thursday, June 11, 2009
I've learned a lot. I'll still do my yoga tonight. I had a hard time pulling myself out of bed at all. But I had to. I'm in the living room now. Being out here is a big thing even though it might not seem so. I've been isolated so long pre program. When I hurt, I tend to hide. That's what I know.
I felt myself coming up there for awhile, staying on routine, doing my home work, working on my factors, goals, etc etc... but today? Blah.
It's one of those days I find myself asking "How?". How am I going to do this long term, how am I really going to live life, how am I going to be able to get my ass up on those days like today and go to work, or go out, to the store, anything that needs to be done. I can handle the disability, I can handle there is no cure, I can handle all that crap I was in denial for so long, I can't handle pain!
The fire, ice, throbbing, dull, get the fuck outta my head pain that just goes on and on and on, never stops and my back up, my meds... I told them I was strong enough to stop them. I was...
just not now. lol
I go to bed on time, generally I wake up on time now (not like today) but even on weekends, I try to breathe right, I've learned to, but I have to be conscious of doing so, or I hold my breath which tenses my body then causes even more pain. I have to constantly tell myself to breathe. Even during sex. lol
I've learned that if I can do all this without meds for 7 years and take really good care of myself my body will generate good cells, which right now are so broken. It's probably not likely, but it gives some hope. I think. lol
I don't drink coffee after 5 p.m on weekdays anymore. While I never thought it interfered with my sleep, it probably does. I really am doing a lot to change things.
I'm on 25 words in the memory mastery system. That isn't easy for me. Once upon a time, I could have learned all of them fairly quickly.
Everyday we are conditioned to keep in mind, we will never be who we used to be, we have to accept who we've become.
Um... that's not easy. I don't like it. But I'm starting to come around.
I've dropped about a pant size in clothing since starting this program. Maybe more, am not sure, I wear loose bottoms because of the sensitivity of my scars and skin.
Oh, I wore socks for 10 minutes yesterday, I'm working on being able to wear shoes again. My baseline was 5 minutes and I made it to 10. I've started the balance board and do that for 1 minute, 3x a day. I ride the bike for 10-15 minutes depending on resistance. I do scrubbing for 45 seconds twice a day. I don't like that. Ugh. But I do it. And of course biofeedback is after each. I'm not sure if my atrophy in my right calf is getting better. Maybe I can find that out tomorrow. It's been holding at 2.5 cm for years now. Well, 2.0 then 2.5. but has never returned to normal since 2001.
Okay, so I think I've babbled enough for now... Bones is on, I like that show.
I'm about to do a new yoga position, the Egyptian stand. Try that for 2 minutes. I can only do it for 30 seconds right now, but will increase time as I go. The 3 fundamentals of Yoga... BET. Breathe, Effort and Time. ~grins
Until next time...
Friday, June 05, 2009
The last two weeks have been so hard. I began the Functional Restoration Program last Tuesday as Monday was a holiday. While I was so interested and hopeful of the program on Tuesday, I was late Wednesday because I thought I couldn't handle it. My legs were hurting, my feet were on fire, it was too much. I wasn't going to go in, but I did. Everyday I do PT, everyday I do Yoga, everyday I do relaxation, several times a day I do biofeedback, everyday I set goals and so much more.
My mobility has gone from nearly nothing to weight bearing on a regular basis. It's not often, but I'm pacing myself and working harder to reach each physical goal that I set. My range of motion (RoM) has improved already. My pain level seemed to be a constant 8+ and emotional level was just as high. Today was the first day I had Physical and Emotional (P&E) level of 6/5.
During my Physical Therapy I walk, I do Mirror Therapy, I do ankle pumps, I ride a bike. I've challenged myself to stairs, I play catch with another CRPS patient to increase movements. IT HURTS. All of it! I have quit 3 entire pain medications and Lidoderme in addition to decreasing morphine 15mgs a day. I went from 7 meds to 2.
Trust me, it isn't easy. We spend a lot of time with the psychological aspects of chronic pain. We are taught about sleep, it's importance, how to sleep if one cannot. I rarely sleep. I have extreme difficulty tackling pain and racing thoughts.
It may take me some time, but I will be passing all that I learn on to you.
I have missed each of you,
Warmest wishesUntil next time...