Thursday, June 11, 2009

It's Been Hard but Worth It

The last couple of days have been really hard. I already gave up most of my meds prior to this. Actually 2 weeks now. I've already gone down 15mgs of a total of 45mgs of morphine a day. Yesterday was my first day to cut down another 15mgs, my day time dose. I had a really hard time. Yesterday was hell. Pain on top of pain on top of withdrawals. I was allowed to take the evening 15mgs. It didn't help. I didn't go in today. My body is freaking out, every bone and muscle is screaming. I have to go in tomorrow as it's my evaluation for the next 3 weeks. I was only authorized for 3 of the 6 weeks to begin with.

I've learned a lot. I'll still do my yoga tonight. I had a hard time pulling myself out of bed at all. But I had to. I'm in the living room now. Being out here is a big thing even though it might not seem so. I've been isolated so long pre program. When I hurt, I tend to hide. That's what I know.

I felt myself coming up there for awhile, staying on routine, doing my home work, working on my factors, goals, etc etc... but today? Blah.

It's one of those days I find myself asking "How?". How am I going to do this long term, how am I really going to live life, how am I going to be able to get my ass up on those days like today and go to work, or go out, to the store, anything that needs to be done. I can handle the disability, I can handle there is no cure, I can handle all that crap I was in denial for so long, I can't handle pain!

The fire, ice, throbbing, dull, get the fuck outta my head pain that just goes on and on and on, never stops and my back up, my meds... I told them I was strong enough to stop them. I was...

just not now. lol

I go to bed on time, generally I wake up on time now (not like today) but even on weekends, I try to breathe right, I've learned to, but I have to be conscious of doing so, or I hold my breath which tenses my body then causes even more pain. I have to constantly tell myself to breathe. Even during sex. lol

I've learned that if I can do all this without meds for 7 years and take really good care of myself my body will generate good cells, which right now are so broken. It's probably not likely, but it gives some hope. I think. lol

I don't drink coffee after 5 p.m on weekdays anymore. While I never thought it interfered with my sleep, it probably does. I really am doing a lot to change things.

I'm on 25 words in the memory mastery system. That isn't easy for me. Once upon a time, I could have learned all of them fairly quickly.

Everyday we are conditioned to keep in mind, we will never be who we used to be, we have to accept who we've become.

Um... that's not easy. I don't like it. But I'm starting to come around.


I've dropped about a pant size in clothing since starting this program. Maybe more, am not sure, I wear loose bottoms because of the sensitivity of my scars and skin.

Oh, I wore socks for 10 minutes yesterday, I'm working on being able to wear shoes again. My baseline was 5 minutes and I made it to 10. I've started the balance board and do that for 1 minute, 3x a day. I ride the bike for 10-15 minutes depending on resistance. I do scrubbing for 45 seconds twice a day. I don't like that. Ugh. But I do it. And of course biofeedback is after each. I'm not sure if my atrophy in my right calf is getting better. Maybe I can find that out tomorrow. It's been holding at 2.5 cm for years now. Well, 2.0 then 2.5. but has never returned to normal since 2001.

Okay, so I think I've babbled enough for now... Bones is on, I like that show.

I'm about to do a new yoga position, the Egyptian stand. Try that for 2 minutes. I can only do it for 30 seconds right now, but will increase time as I go. The 3 fundamentals of Yoga... BET. Breathe, Effort and Time. ~grins

Until next time...


phoenix said...

Greetings twink

You know how you get up and get through this the rest of your life? You don't think that way, looking into the future is pointless. Instead concentrate on now, getting up NOW, going downstairs NOW, going to work NOW. Just concentrate on the day you are dealing with and forget about what's to come. If you need to concentrate on the next few hours or even the next hour. Before you know it the day will be done and you'll have gotten through another day. Remember you can only live one day at a time there is no point in looking ahead to what might or might not be.

Wait,....we're supposed to breathe during sex? *grins*

she wishes you well.


His kajirah said...

Hi phoenix

She agrees that she anticipates the future too much and even next moves of others, ie, the docs, etc. She is learning better to not be an "all or nothing" person. Having been a perfectionist all her life, its tough at times. They define "all or nothing" as being really what it is. For example, she can't run, so she might not try to leap forward, when instead she should try that leap. (not there yet, but an example all the same)

Yeah, breathing during sex might be good, at least for this one, sometimes holding breath cuts off the yum yum. lol

Thank you