Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Letting Go Feels So Good

Part of my therapy is letting go of all things that cause stress, tensing, struggles, worries, hurt, etc etc.

I made a post to the GP forum on CM that was not so nice. I will accept the consequences of my actions, but I cannot regret them fully. When regret starts to take over I have to remind myself there is no regret.

I feel soooooo free now.

I got rid of a part of my life that caused hurt to linger inside me. I don't feel that anymore. New emotions are trying to make their way inside me because of my actions, but I'll keep shoving them back.

No it's not my nature to do or say what I did. It's my nature to let people walk on me, use me, be there for everyone else but myself. I am being taught, molded and re programmed in a very different way.

Right now I'm a slave to a team of doctors in a way, they set my entire day for me, every last minute of it is scheduled by them. My routine is what others require of me.

Yesterday wasn't easy to say the least... and in so many ways was detrimental...

But I accomplished something regardless the outcome...

My plate isn't spilling over anymore.

Until next time...


Snowbrush said...

It sounds good, or if not good, at least better than the alternative of not being there.

Louve said...

My thoughts exactly!! No matter what else you are, you are human. You have emotions, triggers, and you shouldn't feel sorry for being human. That your therapy is teaching you its time to be human, retraining you that despite putting your life on the back burner for so long was actually part of contributing to things that were detrimental to your healing. Granted, some won't understand that. Some won't accept that. But you want to heal. You want to be you again. And I think, at one time, you told me your husband cupped your cheek once, looked at you, and said he wished for his old twinkle back. You're working to giving him that. You serve him. Your doctors are teaching you to deal with things that have stopped you from doing that. Would you listen, or consider someone or something that negatively affects those goals?

I've seen the change in you in just these blog posts. You are more excited (more tired, as you absorb it, but more excited), you are doing things you stopped doing. You are showing sides of yourself that tell me you are an intelligent, determined, vivacious person. The changes make me smile. Even your outbursts make me smile because I know you are listening to your instructors and venturing to places you hesitate nervously to go.

Bravo to you!!

His kajirah said...

Thank you Snow.

Thank you Louve

And guess what? In the morning I'm going to our sons 6th grade graduation and I'm walking. No wheelchair, no cane, no walker..

My walking time is 7 minutes. In the past not being able to go more brought me down, made me hide and now?

7 minutes will get me far...

Farther than I ever imagined.