Friday, February 27, 2009
After eating only oranges for days, and then some tangerines, and a couple of banana's, and green beans, the man bought me 2-6pks of Slim Fast Optima which was suggested to me by one of my blog friends a few days or so ago. (Still thankful for that) I also asked him to pick me up some fresh broccoli which I can eat cooked and hot or cold and raw. Oh and cucumber. He also picked up a few artichokes. One of them is a meal for me by itself.
Today is the first day I've had anything close to food. I had an all natural (uh huh, or so it says) Tuscan Panini. Frozen foods can't be all natural. And yes, it was a lazy way to eat from the microwave, but for now it was that or another tangerine. I had an Optima shake last night.
I have a bad habit of not eating at all for a couple of days. That's bad. So I've been keeping those oranges and tangerines beside the bed. I have a little refrigerator in here, but not plugged in. It'll be moved to the other room when I have my surgery.
I don't like relying on my family to "serve" me. It makes me feel useless and worthless. It's suppose to be the other way around. I struggle with this often. When I'm able to make it up even with the help of my walker and make him a good meal, that makes me happy.
I've been toning my arms with the help of the Wii. My legs I use the physical therapy bands, green and red and have for years. Still not enough excersise.
I'm just freaked out about gaining weight. I gain, I lose, I gain, I lose, right now I'm maintaining. My last significant loss was a couple of months ago. I'll cry if that comes back.
As it is my legs can't handle the extra weight that IS on me.
Maybe I'll make up some home made small balanced meals and freeze them for their buddy... the microwave.
but I don't want to get to the point that I end up feeling to hungry and blow it by over eating whether it be from actual hunger or just the crave to "taste" food.
Years ago when I drank the slim fast shakes to supplement me there wasn't any called Optima. These are suppose to sustain hunger up to 4 hours. We'll see. Have only had the one last night so far. Might have been coincidence, but I wasn't hungry after. I often need crackers or similar because of my meds especially at night. Or I'll doze off and wake up with an intense crave. But I've learned that if I wait 10 minutes that immediate gotta have it crave goes away. That's also what the tangerines are for. Easier to peel and smaller as well.
We'll see how it goes and how well the Optima works. I was drinking a juice called FUZE nearly everyday, the bottle tells all the vitamins that in it. Tons. But also about $1.80 a bottle for approximately 8 oz if that. Can get 2-6pks of slim fast for the same price.
I've already stopped drinking any kind of soda, including diet. Still having a couple cups of coffee a day though. A small splash of half and half and a splenda.
I'm going to talk with my Pain Manager about starting the Restorational Program after I heal. It's Physical Therapy, but bigger and better. It's amazing. Like a super gym. Desensitization whirl pools, etc. I don't think there's an actual pool for swimming though. And they have several therapists. Maybe they can help me strengthen my legs up, with my new and second lead, maybe I'll have a better chance at enduring the agony of weight bearing.
(oh and I have some really good news unrelated kinda to share later, but first I have to catch up a little bit more to do it) ~smiles
Thursday, February 26, 2009
A few of my favorite Gorean Quotes
"Beauty and intelligence are all well and good," I said, "but the best slave is she who loves most deeply." Magicians of Gor, page 204
" The brand is to be distinguished from the collar, though both are a designation of slavery. The primary significance of the collar is that it identifies the master and his city. The collar of a given girl may be changed countless times, but the brand continues throughout to bespeak her status " ~Outlaw of Gor, page 187 by John Norman~
One respects wives; one lusts for slaves; wives are free, and are to be treated with dignity and circumspection; slaves are owned, and are suitable objects to be put to one’s pleasure. The wife consents, if she feels like it, and is so inclined; the slave obeys. The wife may dole out her favors by carefully measured spoonfuls, like medicine, in a regimen designed to reduce and torment, and thus to control, an angered, frustrated, confused, manipulated, indoctrinated, unquestioning, childlike patient; the slave kneels and hopes to be found pleasing.
~Witness of Gor, page 587~
"This speaks of reality and savagery, of ferocity, and beauty and barbarism, and of the fundamental meaningfulness of the male/female relationship, that of power and ferocity to beauty, of dominator to dominated, of master to slave. The dancing of the female before the male, that she be found pleasing and he be pleased, is one of the most profound lessons in all of human biology. Others are when she kneels before him, when she kisses his feet, when she performs obeisance, when she knows herself subject, truly, to his whip."
~Dancer of Gor, page 195 by John Norman~
“May I speak, may I speak?” I begged. No,” I was told.
So I was silent.”
~Witness of Gor, page 134 by John Norman~
“I had been conquered and enraptured, destroyed and renewed, rent in fragments and made whole, freed and enslaved, broken and created. And in the end, overwhelmed, struggling to comprehend, I had found myself more a slave than ever. The strongest chains, you see, are not those of iron, nor the strongest bonds those of steel. How frail are such things compared to the chains of desire, the bonds of need! Even now, as fulfilled as I had been, I could sense a growing restlessness in my body. To be sure, it can be dangerous to be too importunate. One can be whipped for it. But what men can do to a woman, had surely, in me, been at least begun. How natural it is, once one understands these things, to fall to one’s knees, begging plaintively. I knew myself, as I lay there, to be wholly a slave. It was what I should be, and was.
How fortunate I was to have been made what I was ! How few women have been made what they are!" ~Witness of Gor, page 306 by John Norman~
"I wished a man would throw me to my belly and lock a collar to my throat. I wished to lie trembling at His feet, in the shadow of His whip knowing that thenceforth,whether I wished it or not, I existed for love, passion and service."
~ Kajira of Gor
"Buy me," she whispered. "Buy me. You are rich! You can buy me!"
"Is that how a slave begs?" I asked.
"Buy Tana!" she wept. "Buy Tana!"
(Hunters of Gor; page - 61)
Sometimes a girl is whipped when she is first brought into a new house. It is regarded, in some cities, including Victoria as a way of making clear to her that the house in which she now finds herself is a house in which she is a slave. Ten strokes more then did I administer to the fair beauty. "Too," I said, "earlier you dared to speak my name." "Forgive me Master," she sobbed. "That has earned you five extra strokes," I informed her. She moaned and then was shaken five times, encircled in the burning lashes, being repaid for her insolence. When I lowered the whip she sagged in the leather, fastened at the ring, and slipped from consciousness. I went before her and slapped her awake. She looked at me, startled, awakened in pain, terrified. "And one more stroke," I told her, " to remind you that you are slave." "Yes Master," she whispered.
I delivered the blow, letting it be the fiercest of her beating. ---Rogue of Gor, 14:129-130
"The dancing of the female before the male, that she be found pleasing and he be pleased, is one of the most profound lessons in all of human biology."
~Dancer of Gor, page 193 by John Norman~
It is a thing of softness, heat, devotion, obedience, service, beauty, and love.
~Witness of Gor, pages 101 & 102 by John Norman~
"Do not try to force me to be what you want me to be! Rather accept me for what I want to be, and am!—one who knows she belongs at the feet of men!—and desires to be at the feet of men!—their slave!!—their loving slave!”
~Witness of Gor, pages 700 & 701 by John Norman~
“Do you think that the meaning of an oath is the words it wears? It is rather what it celebrates and intends, the meaning behind the meanings of the words. Repudiated in words, it was revered in deeds. Denied, it was fulfilled. Forsworn, it was kept. Honor rejected was honor transformed, honor restored. How often do we seek to do one thing and discover we have done another? How often we achieve ends which we do not intend…..Honor has many voices, and many songs.”
~Witness of Gor by John Norman~
“You are no more than a branded slut, no more than meaningless, worthless collar meat!” he cried.
“Yes, Master!” I cried.
~Witness of Gor, page 700~
There is a lovelier, warmer, more beautiful, benign sense, of “finding security on a chain.” It is one familiar to thousands of loving slaves. In a typical bondage, one is cared for, nourished, sheltered, nurtured, protected, and often loved.
~Witness of Gor, page 586 by John Norman~
“Obeisance!” he said.
Instantly I knelt forward, the palms of my hands on the floor, my head to the floor. “Lick and kiss,” he said. I scrambled forward and, head down, kissed and licked, swiftly, frightened, at his feet and sandals.”
~Witness of Gor, page 322 by John Norman~
“We want a man at whose feet we feel it is appropriate that we should kneel, as women, and slaves. We do not want an equal; that is not enough for us; we want more than that; we want a master. We want him to be strong, ambitious, aggressive, possessive, jealous, lustful, dangerous, dominant. We want him to guard us, and protect us, and own us, with masculine ferocity, to see us as his rightful properties. We want to feel ourselves as though we are nothing before his wrath and power. We want to feel that it is the most important thing in the world for us that we please him. We want him to be jealous of us, and fiercely possessive of us; we want to be important to him; we do not want to be ignored or neglected; we do not want to be taken for granted, or just be “there,” perhaps almost unnoticed, as are so many “wives” of earth; the slave, I assure you, receives a great deal of attention, perhaps more than she sometimes cares for; she, in her service, and subject to his command and domination, is muchly noticed; one of the cruelest of punishments he can inflict upon us is to subject us to the same neglect and indifference commonly accorded to an Earth “wife”; how we strive to be pleasing to him, that that will not occur; but it seldom occurs; better the mercy of the slave lash; he must want to keep track of us, for we are his possessions; he must want to know our thoughts, our whereabouts, and our every action. He desires us, he lusts for us and we are his, and so he is jealous of us and inordinately possessive of us, his relished goods, his coveted prizes, his properties, his slaves, and so he keeps us on a short leash.”
~Witness of Gor, pages 459 & 460 by John Norman~
“In bondage it is your heart, your love, that blossoms.”
~Witness of Gor, page 524 by John Norman~
“I am a slave inwardly, in my need, and in my love, and in my nature! It is what I am! Despise me for it, if you wish! I am a natural slave, a rightful slave, and here, on this world, in my collar, I have found myself at last! Hate me! Hold me in contempt! But I am a slave, and I love being a slave; I love it! I love it! Do not try to force me to be what you want me to be! Rather accept me for what I want to be, and am!—one who knows she belongs at the feet of men!—and desires to be at the feet of men!—their slave!!—their loving slave!”
~Witness of Gor, pages 700 & 701 by John Norman~
I am content to be a slave, and wish to be a slave! I am fulfilled in bondage, in ways that you, a man, or some men, may never understand! Oh, yes, you enslave us for your gratifications and pleasures, you monsters, you beasts! But what you do not know is that we love our bonds, and our belonging, and our being owned, and being helplessly subject to the magnificence, the glories, even to the whip, of your total, uncompromised mastery of us! Do you not know we want men to be strong ,and our masters? Let the twisted and hormonally deficient conceal their seekings of power under the pratings of rhetorics. Let other of us who long to love and serve, and obey, and be desired, dream of masters!—yes masters!!—our masters!
“Yes!” he cried. “I love you, you worthless slut, you meaningless thing! I have loved you, madly, insanely, uncontrollably, recklessly, violently, from the first moment I saw you!” “Master,” I breathed, unable to believe my ears. “Yes!” cried he. “Call me ‘Master’! It is fitting, for you are a slave, and will never be other than that!” “Yes, Master!” I said. “You are no more than a branded slut, no more than meaningless, worthless collar meat!” he cried. “Yes, Master!” I cried.
“You are unworthy to be a free woman!” “I hope so, Master,” I said
“What?” he cried. “—I hope so, Master,” I whispered. “Slave!” he sneered. “Yes, Master,” I said. “It is true. That is what I am.”
“Disgusting!” he said. “No!” I cried. “No!”
“Do you dare speak back to me?” he cried.
“With master’s permission!” I cried.
“You will never be a free woman!” he said.
“Nor do I wish to be a free woman!” I said. “ have been free! I know what it is like! I am content to be a slave, and wish to be a slave! I am fulfilled in bondage, in ways that you, a man, or some men, may never understand! Oh, yes, you enslave us for your gratifications and pleasures, you monsters, you beasts! But what you do not know is that we love our bonds, and our belonging, and our being owned, and being helplessly subject to the magnificence, the glories, even to the whip, of your total, uncompromised mastery of us! Do you not know we want men to be strong ,and our masters? Let the twisted and hormonally deficient conceal their seekings of power under the pratings of rhetorics. Let other of us who long to love and serve, and obey, and be desired, dream of masters!—yes masters!!—our masters!
He look down upon me, and I realized that these things to him, a man of Gor, were not that strange. He knew something of our needs.
He was not a stranger to the nature of females. “I am a slave,” I whispered. “It is well known to me that you are a slave.”
~Witness of Gor, page 700 by John Norman~
Truth does not care whether it is believed or not; similarly, stone walls and cliffs do not care whether they are noted or not; so then let us leave it to the individual to do as he thinks best. Truth, the stone wall, the cliff, are not enemies; but they are real.”
~Witness of Gor, page 586 by John Norma~
“Submit yourself to your sisters i bondage.... as one who is now the lowest and most ignorant of slaves, the humblest of tyros and novices. Watch them. Learn from them. Serve them. Bring them small treats which you might earn. Beg them to help you, to teach you their ways, Beg them to help you, to teach you their ways,
~Renegades of Gor. pg 165 by John Norman~
"The dancing of the female before the male, that she be found pleasing and he be pleased, is one of the most profound lessons in all of human biology. Others are when she kneels before him, when she kisses his feet, when she performs obeisance, when she knows herself subject, truly, to his whip." - Dancer of Gor, Pg. 193 by John Norman~
"He is Master and I am slave. He is owner and I am owned.
He is to be pleased and I am to please. Why is this?
Because he is Master and I am slave.
~Page 184 - Explorers of Gor by John Norman~
"A woman can only respect a man who can reduce her to utter defeat" ~Page 298 - Nomads of Gor by John Norman~
"Do you know, ultimately," I asked, "who will prove to be your one best trainer?" "No, Master"... "You, yourself," I said, "the girl, herself, eager to please, imaginative and intelligent, monitoring her own performances and feelings, striving lovingly to improve and refine them. You yourself will be largely responsible for making yourself the superb slave you will become" ~p.210 Savages by John Norman~
Any free woman who couches with another's slave or readies for such, becomes, by law, herself a slave and the property of said slaves owner. Magicians of Gor, page 7
"They all wear collars," is the first portion of a familiar exchange, of which Goreans are fond. The second, and concluding, portion of the exchange is, "But each in her collar is different." This exchange, I think, makes clear the attitude of the Gorean toward the slave girl. In one sense, she is nothing, and is to be treated as such, but, in another sense, she is precious, and is everything.
---Guardsman of Gor, 20:260
Once every couple of days, I'll go Blog pervin'. Maybe not always pervin' perse but peeking, glimpsing, skimming, or reading. Yep, I read some of ya'lls blogs just like some of ya do mine, even if we're not following eachother. I just type the first letter of your name into my browser and voila there you are.
Some of them I find quite interesting in a different good kind of way. Not many do I dislike, some just don't inspire me, or get my freaky on. heh
I love bright minds. Playful, serious, passionate, compassionate, informative, reasonable etc.
I love strong men. I always like to hear what they have to say even if I silently disagree.
I love women with pure hearts. Respectfully opinionated. Still I listen, even if I disagree.
I really just love the differences in people. I love diversity in others because I'm very diverse in subject matter, thoughts, beliefs and so on, too.
One can still learn things from those they aren't so fond of, too. Diversity.
Okay, well I've perved all blogs of interest already today...
... So am off to find new ones
Catch ya on the flip side..
Until next time...
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
This is one of my favorites as it represents so much, I hope you like it.
Strength and Courage
It takes strength to be firm,
It takes courage to be gentle.
It takes strength to stand guard,
It takes courage to let down your guard.
It takes strength to conquer,
It takes courage to surrender.
It takes strength to be certain,
It takes courage to have doubt.
It takes strength to fit in,
It takes courage to stand out.
It takes strength to feel a friend's pain,
It takes courage to feel your own pain.
It takes strength to hide your own pains,
It takes courage to show them.
It takes strength to endure abuse,
It takes courage to stop it.
It takes strength to stand alone,
It takes courage to lean on another.
It takes strength to love,
It takes courage to be loved.
It takes strength to survive,
It takes courage to live
As of now I don't know the date of the surgery. She said the surgery center will calling to schedule and appointment.
I'm already trying to figure out things to do while I'm down. The man is out now purchasing items we need for a small business of sorts we're starting. We have 2 months to get the novelties completed since we already have a sell date in mid April and special orders.
Orginally a partner of his was going to do the work since they had the equipment already and those special orders came from that as we sold some items at the last Clamper Doin's, but the special orders were to be produced in April. We couldn't produce and cannot get ahold of the other partner. So we have no choice but to produce it.
Maybe that will give me something to do also. Not in the beginning though.
Maybe I'll start beading again, or woodburning, I've been meaning to do more in regards to that, I've just been dabbling so far.
So once again, I'll be moving out of our daughters room and into our sons for the surgery. lol
Our room is pretty large as is our bed, but it's not on a frame, it would be difficult for me to try and get up and out of it. Our sons bed is higher, I could raise up, turn, and gently slide off the side of the bed to a standing position.
I really have to be careful not mess these leads up while healing.
The lead I have in now has not only moved up but it's tilted to the left.
When they relocate my battery, they'll stitch or staple it into place. Ick!
'tis the life of a robo-slut
Until next time...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Spanking, spanking, spanking. Okay, I probably should have my ass beat. I have been a mouthy wench lately, it's not really normal for me to be that way, okay well when push comes to shove, and the shoves start to not feel all that great, I'm going to shove back.
But I'm not baring my ass for one. Nope, not me, I'm kinda shy, you know.
I did add some pics to my page, maybe some topless next, not too shy about that, my boobs are all over the internet and have been for years anyways. But um.. hmm
Maybe I'll get back to a little erotic modeling again or or or... start camming it up again.
They used to call me a troll magnet. ~smirks. Guilty!
Gosh, OH Gosh~ I was commanded to whoop my ass on cam before, my butt was raw, I used a hair brush, ..
but it's just not the same as getting flipped over, backing my ass into some C*ck and...
WHAP WHAP WHAP!!!!. That's how he gives it to me, spanks my ass as an unspoken command to....
This might have been brought to you by a morphine moment.
Monday, February 23, 2009
So I'm going to go and get zinged and zapped by their hook me up and see what happens. If there's a chance to bypass being cut back open, I'm up for it no doubt.
I should be done with the Pred pack now, but I'm only on 4th day of the pack when I should have been done yesterday. I just couldn't keep up with the intake of all these meds. Especially when the pack is 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.
The above pic is an example of what the inside of my body looks like, with the exception that my internal battery is much lower than the one depicted in the photo. It's actually in my butt cheek not in the area of my hip. And the lead would now be up closer between my shoulder blades. I'm like a fish out of water, seriously. Or one of those vibrating beds you stick a quarter in and they go real fast for a few minutes. lol
Robo slut, that I am.
I wish you all peace and tranquility
Until next time...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Entry for August 11, 2006 - Optimistic Endurance - Cross-posted from ellaj_C
Do you hold onto something you know you will eventually lose or do you let go before that time ever comes? Does an object have future value if you take care of it? Do you purchase a home or vehicle even though acts of God may take them away? Or do you sell them to avoid the possiblity after becoming an owner? Do you let go of your dying family member because holding on is too hard? Do you push people away or hide from those you feel add burden to your own life? Do you water a wilting plant so that it might drink in the necessity it needs to survive? Or perhaps, you simply toss it out and bring a new fresh green and blooming one home? Can you create a work of art with your bare hands? Or do you destroy someone elses creative work because it wasn't you who thought of the particular idea first? Does jealousy nip at you? Do you wish you had what another had? Would you trade lives with one who had less? Do you talk just to hear yourself babble or do you offer valuable or thought provoking stimulus to the conversation or discussion? Do you listen to people or turn a deaf ear unless it interests your personal agenda? Do you gossip? Are you the neighborhood loud speaker who just can't wait to spread the next tid bit? Do you listen to gossip for the entertainment or maybe the type that doesn't outright blast the personal information of another, but whispers it all, instead. Maybe just maybe you're the type that listens, but doesn't continue the forward flow. When you hear negative gossip and actually know the truth, do you stand up to the plate and say so? Or do you allow malicious tails to continue without a word. Do you follow the cliques and popular crowd because you just have to be apart of it? Or are you content outside it? Would you take a bullet for family? A friend? How about a stranger? Would you put down a suffering pet so that it would not live painful days and nights? Or would you let it continue to live in a harshful state of being. Would you terminate a child because it's chances for survival was nil or take the chance? Would you abort conception as a form of birth control? Would you take the pain away from another person, if the possibility existed and could be achieved? Or would you just be damned glad it wasn't you? If you had only $5 dollars left to your name and someone else was without even a penny, would you share it? Or say that you too were penniless? Would you scorn the female who was loved by more than one man or ridicule the man who was loved by more than one woman? Do you cast judgement on others, even when you yourself have done the same? Perhaps you partake in the double standard, but on the flip side dispise it. Can you walk in the shoes of another in search of greater understanding? Do you presume or assume an outcome with absolutely no evidence to support it? Can you rest in peace in the midst of chaos? Would you let another rest in peace by removing chaotic moments from them? Would you forsake one slave for another or one Master for the next? Is a man still a master if he becomes helpless to his slave? If you cherished something to the extreme would you ever let it go? Or would you hold it in your arms in a subtle embrace, guarding it, protecting it, maybe even loving it, keeping it safe and secure? Would you lose interest in that of it's fragile state and offer, gift it, or sell it to another? Or maybe you would just break it, so that no one else may ever have ownership of it. If you thought you might lose your precious golds sometime in the future, would you hold onto it tightly or leave it freely about? If a broken slave is a worthless slave would one mans junk be another mans treasure? Do you let go of what you truly want to have and keep or let it escape in an attempt to pacify another? Or do you throw it away because it's just become boring and worthless? If you could change the world, would you? Or only speak of changing it, while you wait for someone else to come along and do so? Maybe even bitch and complain as the other man strives to accomplish what you only dreamed of. Did you fail yourself? Did you fail others? Maybe you were the one who could have made the difference, but instead you chose to do nothing. If your black, would you adopt a white child? If your a white man, would you marry a black women? Do you see only colors in the world or can you see just one and call it heaven? A rainbow of 7, seperate, yet one. Can you change the outcome of a tormented tomorrow and let passion prevail? Can you turn sadness into a happy moment? Make a sad person smile? Can you gift the world your worth and hold your head high while enduring intense agonies? Do you let others step on you when you know you're in the right? Can you back down when you know or learn you are wrong? Maybe you like to play the vicious cycle of revealing the confidences of others, even though you played yourself well in leading them to believe you were worthy of their trust. You might by chance be that man or women whose word is sacred, whose loyalties survive consequence, who even when pushed aside, would take a secret when living to their grave when dying. Maybe your charm lures others, just to toss them like a salad in the end. Or maybe you are the one whose spirit cannot be broken by hate or pity. Tolerance is acquired by learning and learning can only be achieved with tolerance. We are people of many backgrounds, lifestyles, cultures, and religion. Most of us here have one common denominator which has united us, yet has also seperated us from the rest in regards to the ideals in which we live. However, segregation halts growth and growth relies on being fed. Starve growth and the future begins to die. Tomorrow has to swallow the reality of today, so that it can bloom into another tomorrow. Do you teach the person who asks the questions in which to learn and grow by? Or wave your hand in dismissal because it's not worth your time? Or instead just wait for the cooler prize from the cracker jack box to come along another day. Annoying wittle peskewy wabbits-- I know, I know! Can you turn darkness into light?
... Flip a switch!
© 2006-9 twinklev
Since I'm taking these steroids I'm kinda freaked out about the possibility of gaining weight. So for breakfast, lunch and dinner this is what I have, an orange. And then guess what? Yep, another orange, and then for a snack, jeez, I'm gonna have me an orange or two. Why I decided on oranges, I have no idea, could have been the stress and events of this last week. See with an orange, I gouge my nails into the peel, I go around each end, pulls out the orange plugs or whatever those parts are called and then I rip the peeling down usually in one piece as I go around and voila, the succulent wedges are ready for me suck the juice out as I squeeze it between my tongue and the roof of my mouth.
I think I'm still stuck on fuck!
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Yesterday, February 20th, Our daughter was Wed.
Congratulations Mr. and Mrs. Jose T.
Sorry we couldn't be with you, can't wait for the formal
in Puerto Rico.
Take care of your man- Erykah,
Take care of our girl- Son
(Proud of you both for serving our Country in the U.S. Army)
Friday, February 20, 2009
A few things that I either love or love to do
1. I really love getting fucked. I mean really good and fucked. Doggie style fucked, coochie fucked, ass fucked, head fucked... fucked at a highway rest stop (that was hot), fucked over, fucked with. Just good 'ol fucked.
2. I really love the fuck word, it makes my nipple rings stand straight up, my belly flutter and my knees tremble. Fuck me, fuck you, get fucked, go fuck yourself, fuck off, fuck it, fucktard, did I mention plain 'ol FUCK?!
3. Get slammed over the washing machine on high cycle, my head pushed into the vibrating lid and.. um... guess what?, fucked! (it's been awhile on that one)
4. I love my coochie slapped, Good god, fuck!
5. I love seeing fuck, watching fuck, hearing Fuck, I love a man saying fUck, FuCk, FUCK, and mmyeah, fucking cumdumpster.
Oh my gosh what a rush I just gave myself, wowies
Thursday, February 19, 2009
What RSD/CRPS looks like in some- These pics are of my right foot in 2007.
The Four Stages Of RSD/CRPS
Stage one is called the acute stage and can last one to three months.
Some characteristics are warmth, coolness, burning pain, edema, increased sensitivity to
touch, increased pain, accelerated hair/nail growth, tenderness or stiffness in the joint,
spasms, limited mobility, some bony changes may be visible on X-Ray, abnormal amount
of pain for the injury. In this stage there is decreased sympathetic activity. For the patient,
she, typically a she, may feel as if their limb is on fire and is amazed when it actually feels
cool to the touch (this is due to the lack of blood flow to the extremities).
Stage two is called the Dystrophic Stage and can last three to six months.
Pain is constant, as in stage one, and throbbing, burning, aching, crushing in nature and is
exacerbated by any stimuli. The affected limb may still be edematous, cool, cyanotic
(discolored), or mottled (different shades). Nails are brittle and ridged. Pain and stiffness
persists. Muscle wasting may begin.
Patient usually starts experiencing short-term memory problems, as well as increased pain
from noises and/or vibrations, and other changes in the limbic system; these include the
inability to concentrate, find the right word when speaking. X-Rays may reveal signs of
osteoporosis. Patients may start to repeat themselves.
Some Doctors will try and use tools such as x-rays, Bone Scans, thermograms, and
others during Stage 2 and Stage 3 to confirm a diagnosis of RSDS. **Understand that
while these tests MAY show the presence of RSD, they are rarely conclusive and they
should not be used as the sole determining factor in whether a patient does or does not
have RSD. The only positive way of diagnosing RSD/CRPS is a physical exam by a
Doctor knowlegeable in RSDS.** These other tests should only be used as one of many
tools to aid in that diagnosis. They are also useful in tracking the progress of the disease
over the course of the time.
Stage three is called the atrophic stage and can last an unlimited amount of time. Pain as
usual is typically constant but can increase or decrease, depending on the person, and the
RSDS may spread to other parts of the body. At this stage irreversible tissue damage
may occur. Skin becomes cool, thin, and shiny.
Contraction of the extremity may occur as well as atrophy of the limb (decreased joint
movement). Skin atrophies (wasting away) and loss of movement or mobility may also
occur. X-Rays may show marked demineralization and increased osteoporosis.
At this stage many RSD patients are not likely to be effectively treated with blocks as the
percentage of SIP (Sympathetically Independent Pain) is now much greater than the
percentage of SMP (Sympathetically Mediated Pain), meaning the majority of the pain
signals are now originating in the brain and not at the original RSD site where a local block
Pumps are usually discussed at this stage but there are other treatments available
and more are coming all the time.
Most patients will never advance to Stage 4.
In this Fourth Stage, RSD is resistant to many forms of treatment and many
Physicians would now recommend a Pump or a DCS/SCS. However, there are a
great many problems associated with the use of SCS units for RSD patients, even
though they work well for other pain problems.
Also in this stage there is an involvement of the inner organs.
Please do not allow any Doctor to amputate the affected limb unless it is a medical
necessity due to gangrene or the like. While it is infrequent, there are some uneducated
Doctors out there who are performing amputations in an effort to eliminate the RSD pain.
This is not only barbaric it is ineffective. It not only does not work but it also in most
cases will exacerbate the RSD and increase the spread rate.
Always ask to speak to a Doctor's other patients before undergoing any type of implant or
surgical procedure. Educate yourself on the internet. Talk to other patients. In the end,
YOU are most responsible for what happens to your body. It is the only body you get, so
treat it with the utmost care. You deserve first class care always!
THE PROBLEMS WITH STAGES
While being able to divide patients into neatly defined stages is seen as a plus by some
diseases, it has always presented a problem for Doctors who are trying to make a
diagnosis, and for patients who are trying to understand it, for the following reasons:
- Most patients have symptoms from multiple stages at the same time making a definitive
- Stage 1 and Stage 2 are so brief, sometimes less than a few months total, and very few
patients are diagnosed within those first few months
- Depending on which Type of CRPS you develop you may not develop many of the
symptoms listed for each of the stages, again making for a confusing diagnosis.
- Some patients may never advance to Stage 3 and only a very few patients will
advance to Stage 4.
- It may be difficult to determine your stage due to the combination and/or lack of
- A better benchmark of where your RSD/CRPS is may be mapping your percentages of
SMP and IMP over a period of months. Like diseases such as MS, RSD is a progressive
disease, meaning it advances over time. Placing a patient into a clearly defined Stage with
a highly fluid disease like RSD just doesn't make medical sense, as we are learning.
- Please note that not all Doctors agree on the existence of a Fourth Stage and is considered end stage 3.
I would be grateful for anyone who takes the time to sign this petition. It is a petition to Congress. If you would please pass or forward this to your friends and family in emails or otherwise, I would feel even more blessed. Thank you! CRPSAdvisory.com
For more information regarding the goal and description please visit and sign the Petition at: http://www.neurologychannel.com/RSDawareness/index.shtml
For more information on Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD/CRPS), please visit http://www.neurologychannel.com/rsd/index.shtml
I do have to have major surgery again. My lead has moved up my spine which the PA said is uncommon as they usually move downward. This would explain the reason why when I lay on my belly the stimulation is up into my chest, it also is the reason the stimulation does not reach the right foot itself even though it did in my Trial and in the permanent implant.
And again it would explain the terrible pain in my right butt cheek where my internal battery pack is located since the lead/wire is tugging on it.
It's been over 2 years since I had my SCS implanted.
My doc only does surgeries on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I doubt it could happen as quick as 2 days after me seeing him. But I do have a new claims adjuster that's been pushing my authorizations since she took over in the last 2 months. Both my blocks and xrays were authorized within 2 days of being asked for. They had not been when the other guy was in charge of my treatments.
I would think it would be next week. 'course am not sure. Will find out Tuesday.
Even with staples in my back and butt and after have my spine manipulated, and rewired, I will find a way to be online. When the anesthesia wears off and my pain is a 10 or above, I'll still find a way. Because it's my diversion from hurting and a way to mask the real problems.
2 months it will take to heal. I've probably already written about the reasons why before.
I won't be posting this information on CM, but I will be here.
While our home is neat and tidy, it will have to be scrubbed, vacuumed and disinfected extra good, bedding fresh and everything around me spotless, since the chances of infection are high and can lead to death. There's a chance of paralysis, but I'll opt again to go through with it regardless of the negative possibilities. Actually unlike last time, this time I have no choice.
I'm a little scared, but thinking good positive thoughts.
"Life is either a daring adventure or nothing" ~Helen Keller
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
6 the first day
5 the second day
4 the third day
3 the fourth day
2 the fifth day
1 the last day
I also got my xrays completed. And was able to hand carry them back to the office. I just called the them but they haven't been read yet and since the PA I seen isn't there today they'll call the Lab and get the reading results from there. So I should be getting a call either in the next hour or first thing in the morning.
I peeked at 2 of the 6 images OMG the wire was straight up my spine, I thought there were 4 electrodes there's 5, doot doot doot doot doot right above the top of the lead. Then omgosh, the box in my butt. I know it's there, we know it's there, but to actually see it. Very trippy.
'course I can't read xrays but from the two I peeked at I didn't see a tilt in the wire. It's looked so straight. The upper part of my spine seemed curved though, maybe spines are suppose to be that way, don't think so though.
Will wait to see what they say
We got a brandnew washer and dryer can use it either side by side or as a stackable, so we also purchased the kit to stack them. Our utilities bill should come down now the older set sucked the funds right out of his bank account. The dryer had to run 2 hours just to dry clothes, sheesh. These are energy efficiant Emana. All together $1,600 bucks. $100 dollar rebate from Smud and $75 for delivery since we let them take the old units.
In worse news we owe the Government this year, $310 in federal that's because the mans Severance package was only taxed for state (nearly $3000 bucks, we opted not to pay federal out of the check at that time. Or half of it would have been gone right away. Owing $310 isn't bad. Since his state was taxed, a decent refund on that minus paying the tax guy and the federal, still a $1000 coming back.
I don't need help standing to my feet anymore, but it's still tough to walk. One of my friends just had a Ketamine drip done. The FDA won't approve the Ketamine Coma, but the drip is legal. Each time she goes, she says she comes out as if nothing was ever wrong. She feels great. I'm so happy for her. Again short term fixes, but a longer term fix than the blocks, she says.
I wanted to be one of the first U.S. Trials for Ketamine Coma, but the man couldn't deal with the possibility of losing me. There are no guarantees one will come out of it. Right now it's only being done in Germany and it's quite expensive treatment. At one time, I think Canada was doing them, but no longer.
I asked my Pain Manager about it and he said he won't even consider it on me at this time if ever. Not even the drip. It's cat tranquilizer he said.
Wishing you all better days
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
2 weeks ago I was doing much better, I participated in discussion more than I had in the previous weeks, even months.
It's been several months now since I've mentioned my ordeals in a CM forum setting.
I posted in the "The week in review" thread and yes mentioned some of what I've been going through.
I posted a few entries in my CM blog regarding schedules and updates. But since this too was put down by you, they have been deleted. Don't want you sniveling anymore.
This here blog is whatever the fuck I want it to be. (some bring out the potty mouth in me (insert your name here) Don't like it, don't read it, after all if you think it's going to be the same thing each time, by all means move on.
RE: 2 excerpts from the previous blog entry above--
"Yeah I know, horrible pain, yada, yada, yada we know"
"And yet, brave little soldier you are you manage to post on CM and your blog, how DO you manage?"
That doesn't even deserve an answer, that's a fucktard statement- You just discriminated against, hated against, judged and put down every last disabled person, those suffering from and surviving incurable diseases (millions) who ventures onto the internet.
I mean how the heck can they manage? How oh how? You need to google them all (yes it can be done) and tell them it's your opinion they lay down and die. Because if they can make it onto the internet, make posts, in whatever genre they choose, there must not be a thing wrong with them. Or not wrong enough to keep them from doing so. Go for it. I dare you.
You put hateful demeaning, bitter blogs up, you take them down, you leave them long enough for atleast few to read, then down it goes. You repeat this over and over. You've done this for months. Not just to me, you've targeted plenty others and then call them friend again, but I've learned this much... only after you get what you want somehow are they back in your graces. It'll change again.
You take all the good that I do, all the extraordinary good I've achieved even still and try to make it ugly and without merit.
Keep it real karen, or keep it out of my face.
There is not a single chance in the world now that any friendship could be continued or maintained.
Take that as your own wish and want. You're the one that said goodbye.
As for me, I'm keeping it real
Mistress Maahsatti, what can I say, you and twink make quite the tag team. Really what with all the time you two spend gazing in total love into each other's eyes you really should take the final step and get together; Gor's first lesbian couple. Oh and btw Mistress? You really DID beg Master Rap's collar, just not directly, probably fearing his rejection...which he did."
How absolutely hateful can this be?
My comment back-
This original blog entry @ MontrealPhoenix08@blogspot.com has since been removed.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
My meds are barely helping
My SCS is on high
I go to PM on Tuesday and will get the xrays after.
For now I have 4 pillows wedged between my back and the bed helping to prop me up some, 2 other pillows under my left arm, 2 more behind my head and 3 to elevate my legs. and a feather blanket just for warmth.
I'm starting to itch with the stim so high..
What a night it's going to be
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I'm waiting on the surgery centers day after follow up call to let them know what's going on with me. Last night I thought I was going to need to go to the ER because I was getting feverish on top the pain. Fever or extra redness at the injection sites are suppose to be reported immediately.
And while it may seem like I get whiny from time to time, I don't rush off to the ER, or the docs just because of extra discomfort. I push myself to tolerate it and get past the moment, minutes, hours, or days sometimes. My life is pain, other than short fixes at best, it's all it's ever going to be. I've accepted that. They made me.
It's not like the hospital can really do anything for me, anyhow. Give me a shot of pain med, morphine or whatnot. I have enough meds at home including morphine, so going out to get more just isn't worth it for me. The only difference is that 10mgs of morphine injected is much stronger and works much faster than my daily intake at home. 30mgs in the A.M and 15mgs in the P.M. It's actually called MS Contin, each 15mgs is a 12 hour time release. The generic term is morphine.
I'm about to have a few Lidocaine (Lidoderme 5%) patches put on my back and legs. Those aren't going to help me stand or walk though. Sheesh. Get relief in one place, or two, and get screwed harder despite being stabbed with big needles approximately 15 times in the last 3 weeks.
This disease hasn't stolen my spirit yet, oh it's tried numerous times and I've fallen victim to the depression that comes along with it, it's taken nearly all the rest of me, but one things is for certain.....it will never have my soul.
Until next time...
... Or be good at it!
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Oh and the romp in the hay, okay, the bed, was fun too, but erm... Gosh, I'm sore now.
I lost my nose ring in my sleep, my other one was nearly off my face, I had to pull it back thru with my teeth, and my collar is still not on. I really feel naked. Extremely!
He'll put my collar back on Tuesday after we return home.
He said I've been getting a little too "lippy" with it off.
No way... not me! I mean, okay, maybe an itsi bit.
~rubs my temples... Oopsie doodles then, fine, I'm guilty!
Another and final block this Tuesday. 2 more days.
Until next time...
May all your ups and downs be in bed.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
I wouldn't have missed our sons performance even if my pain was high. While I decline many events, luncheons, get togethers, ect, I won't miss out on my childrens life. Their memories are mine, my memories are theirs.
At the end of the show they did the hand jive which was suppose to be with audience participation. Even from my wheel chair I was one of the very few parents that participated.
It was fun.
When it came time for the ... How low can you go.. I just bent forward in my sitting position and shimmered lower, instead of swirling and swaying down from a standing position. lol.
Gotta do what ya gotta do and I did.
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
I had my second of a series of 3 blocks at 7:30 a.m this morning. Next Tuesday is the last. I came home and rested for awhile, even napped for a bit and may try do so again soon. It's working forme again. Out of at least 10 others, only 2 others worked like this one is doing. I'll really be able to tell in the late evening and middle of the night whether it's doing me significantly better since my pain is usually always at it's very worse then. I'm having trouble with my right leg, lifting it like last time, but it should be okay in 2 days, it was last time.
I think I may try to rest again, I actually was able to nap when he got me home.
I'm still loopy from the combo knock out and relaxation med they gave me and had to knock me out twice, I dunno they just couldn't put me to sleep with the first set of injection to the IV.
I should have been counting cock instead sheep and whatnot.
Monday, February 02, 2009
The pain is still decreased in my right foot, the ankle, calf and leg itself is screwing it all up. I'm going to beg my doc to block the entire leg, but I'm not sure that he can since my lifetime insurance award only covers my right foot.
But he's helped me out in other areas before, maybe he can again. Definitely not his fault if he can't.
I'm not sure if they'll check my blood sugar again, last time with no fasting other than the 4 hours prior to the injections it was 107 which is really good. They wanted to do a 12 hour fast. Maybe I should stop eating at 7:00 pm tonight. Hm...
I think one can still have water during a fast, I'm really gonna have to think about that one.
Maybe I'll just wait until they tell me too, but it's easier to have everything done at once.
Until next time..