Thursday, January 28, 2010

Another Pain Block

I went to my PMD (Pain Management Doctor) on Tuesday. Due to the new damage to my right foot he's seeking authorization to do another Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve Block to try to keep damage where it is.

I'm not sure if I already mentioned it but I biffed it about 3 weeks ago. Lost balance from my leg giving out and fell to the side slamming that same foot into the side of the bed post near the ground. Ouch! The bruising is just now beginning to ease up.

I spent 8 hours in the ER last weekend when our daughter was hit by a car, actually drug by it. We left out of here in a hurry and all I thought about was getting to her. We didn't know yet the extent of her injuries. I didn't have my wheelchair which is usually in the van. It had been removed to move furniture and we didn't realize it wasn't there in the commotion. I used my feet. It was complicated. But she was worth it.

Thank God there was no broken bones, just severe contusions and road rash from the vehicle pulling our daughter.

Our son may be able to return to school next week. He's doing much better on the Adderall.

I have mixed thoughts about the pain block. Of course I'm praying it will ease my pain, but I'm not looking forward to the needles. They do put me to sleep for the procedure and I'm usually home within 4 hours.

I got a letter today from the insurance company who's trying to get me to do a compromise and release of my future medical. I know it would get a lot of money. At least a quarter mil. But I'm not signing it away. I need the future medical and I know their game from before. They want me to see dollar signs. I mean ... most would jump at that offer.
Especially now... the economy, shortage... and so forth. We could definitely use it. But that's just it...

And soon enough we wouldn't be able to afford my medical.

So no deal. $250.000 would only pay for 2 years of medical at most. My SCS alone to maintain would eat that right up, not counting meds or procedures.

Just can't do it. My Master said so.

If this next block works... I'll get a couple of weeks of ease. If it doesn't... ugh. Been there done that too. The second to last one that I had caused more pain and I couldn't weight bare at all for 3 days. I couldn't put any pressure on my leg.

Hopefully things will get back to a more normal living soon. Home schooling a child isn't as easy as it seems. Haven't had time for anything... not even my groups.

I did assist an attorney with a claim for his client to present in court. I felt good about that.

Until next time...

Friday, January 22, 2010

What Color Am I?

Our grandson will be 4 on the 2nd of February. He joined me in my den area (The dining room converted to a den of sorts) for some conversation. He talks a lot, exceptionally bright for his age and a sponge for information.

He said "Nana, my other grandma is black!" My Momma just told me. He has seen his other Grandma before. He calls her grandma and me nana. He never recognized color before in people though I'm sure he wondered of it in some way.

He was looking to me for affirmation that his mother was right. I told him it was true.

He said "momma told me I'm black and white". I said yes baby, you are. He seemed a little confused, but accepted it as the truth.

He began looking at his arms and legs. He didn't quite understand.

He bounced on the sofa a little as he became even more curious, but unsure.

He said "nana!!! "I can't find by black". I wanted to laugh at the way he said it. Quick, blunt and most serious.

He began comparing my skin to his and I rested my arm touching his. Not much of a color difference this way.

He bounces over to me and excitedly said he found "my black" (nana's black), he pointed to my eyes and said your black is on top your white, nana! He looked into the mirror and again excited showed me that he found "his black". Both of our eyes are dark brown.

No one else in the home has brown eyes. Not his mom, not his grandpa, not his aunt or his uncle..

I attempted to tell him that other people will call him black. Other people won't "see his white". He wanted to know why. That was hard on me. I knew the day would come.

He's never ever been alienated from black people or family. He's been brought up with both in his life.

I stressed to him that no matter what others said.. He is white! And he is black! He is both equally.

Growing up myself it was often assumed I was one color or another. The fact of the matter is that I am like a coat of many colors. A bit of nearly everything runs through my veins.

Which one am I?

I'm just me!

My grandson isn't African American as he didn't come from Africa, nor did his father, or grandparents...

They are Black Americans.

So while my grand son has yet to understand "where his black is", I can only hope to teach him that one is no better than the other and when the time comes for all the other questions, those questions I'm not much looking forward to, the questions of race, discrimination, prejudice...

I can help him walk both shoes, understand controversy from both sides, have faith in both cultures, take some things to heart and dismiss other things.

We've come far as a people, but I'm afraid not far enough...

Once he "finds his black", he will lose his white by societies standards. No one will see him as white. And I don't like that.

He will always be both regardless and he can define himself as one, or the other, or both.

Until next time...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Feeling PAIN of Others

How many times have we heard over the years or claimed to feel the pain of other's? My mom has claimed to feel my pain, my Master feels pain in the same area's as I do and when he had his heart attack when he was 38 (He's 42 now) I swore I felt his.

Usually it's passed off as coincidence or that we are experiencing it from our minds. Just the thought of it makes us hurt.

An article in my monthly Pain Monitor from the American Pain Foundation piqued my interest further.

The article from Reuter's is located here: The Brain May Feel Other People's Pain

I'm left to wonder if we really feel some one elses pain or if our brains imagine the pain, therefore, we feel it.

It's been said twins especially identical feel each other's pain and perceptions.

Is this a connection of closeness?

In the article people are stimulated by images of pain. This would mean no closeness or physical connection.

Interesting all the same.

Until next time...

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Lingering Pain

For days now, weeks even, pain has been lingering harshly. Partly due to the fact I slammed my foot somewhere at the side of the bed causing a small cut, I stumbled and rolled on my toes. I knew it was giving me troubles and when it happened I even screamed out something to the effect I broke it again. As the initial pain from the slam eased down, I quit thinking about it. Going to the ER wouldn't have done me any good 'cept caused us a medical bill. Not like I could have gone to get a shot of morphine or something for that pain.. I can't take Opiates while on Suboxone.

One thing I learned in the FRP is not to focus on pain. In prior years I did. I think many of us do.

An example of focus would be that I would often look at my foot, and dwell on the 3 scars there, the discoloration and so on.

Days later when I took a really good look at it, wow. No wonder. When in the shower I hadn't looked down at all, soaking in a epson bath I did. There's a dark bruise from the beginning of my third toe to the side of my baby and at least the size of a half dollar moving upward toward right mid foot with a small cut from the impact.

But that's not where it hurts the most from this recent injury... it's hurts above my ankle on the right. Stabbing and deep.

I took pics in case my PMD wants to see or just to keep in my home file.

It's not easy to not focus on what hurts. Distraction is the best.

I've been using my Light Relief System for my right hip and thigh... it helps while it's on me, but not much after its not. It's the heat source that works best I think. Course the lights may have something to do with it.

It was a costly modality when my Master purchased it for me a year ago.

I'm thinking of trying aspercream again. I used all those products years and years ago. Salonpas, aspercream, icey hot.. capsaisen? etc.

But anything with that icey stuff in it makes me scream. Am serious. Not a good thing at all. It doesn't help, it worsens it.

I slept with 6 Lidocaine patches on last night and continued to wear through out the day. Usually one is to wear them 12 hours on 12 off I believe, but mine are prescribed for 20 on, 4 off.

I had them stuck from my right butt cheek to beneath my leg and my hip and thigh..

It just doesn't penetrate deep enough for relief. I can't recall the ingredients of the asper cream but if I do recall correctly... it's just an aspirin pain relieving cream without all that other crap.

You'd think the others including bengay for arthritis might help me for my arthritis, osteo etc... but I guess because my CRPS overlaps it with the nerve damage it's why it doesn't.

I'm just glad I didn't biff it again, my knees have taken on much damage from falling. Ugh.

Each time I fall I'm reminded of the original fall that caused all this. I guess that's the PTSD messing with me. Remember specifically tripping and having my hands out to break the fall, and tripping and tripping because there was nothing to grab onto. Needless to say I really did fly. lol Until I landed on the back of my head, my ass, and my back on a hard cement floor..

I never was xrayed for any of that. And I never did push it.

Looking back maybe I should have. On the other hand, sometimes it's just better to leave things be. Dunno.

It'll be 9 years on the 26th of this month.

Nothing has stopped hurting since. But in it all I've been able to walk many shoes I may have otherwise never done.

My knowledge, compassion and understanding keeps me going.

Until next time...

Friday, January 15, 2010

Order of Nature, Natural Order

In regards to a discussion on the CM GP Forum arguing the terms order of nature and natural order from the books themselves it seems there's some controversy.

I know for many years it was said the Gorean Philosophy was based on Natural Order, later came Order of Nature which bumped Natural Order away as a boo boo.

The current controversy is a FW claiming "natural order" was never used in the book series. Others are unsure and one or two claim otherwise.

So here I've been flipping through Explorers (the New for 1979 edition, first printing March 1979) where I haven't come across the words as of yet, but .... going out on a limb here.. I believe I do recall the words natural order before and if not more than once in the series, too. I'll lick the lash if I'm not recalling properly.

The FW claims not so.

I think the thread is called-- So I've discovered this thing called "Gorean".

In any event, I'm not posting anything in regards to it. Well, 'less I find the discrepancy for certain.

Perhaps the problem is different publications of same book title.

The quoted text and page number on the thread listed is not in my book.

I do love puzzles..

And I really would do the work...



Until next time...

Edit to add- I couldn't stop looking.... sheesh

One reference found and verified.

Sunday, January 03, 2010

Health Insurance

Time are hard for many of us and lack of health insurance doesn't help any. We lost our health insurance a year ago.

Since our son had been sent away from school to be home schooled through the Independent Study Program pending his doctor's release to return due to ADHD it's been even rougher.

The school didn't like the fact that we didn't want Medi-cal, instead we opted for a program called Healthy Families. Instead of a free handout, we pay something for this. Granted a very small amount and I had no idea what that amount would until I opened the letter of approval this evening. All we wanted was to pay something and not feel as if we were free loading. I suppose even if it was medi cal we shouldn't feel so low about it, we've paid our taxes, we donate to charities when we can, we give, but still.

Our sons insurance becomes effective on the 8th of the month. Will be able to get him into his pediatrician, evaluated (and medicated if necessary, though am not looking forward to that) and back into school.

This could take a couple of months, but finally we can move forward.

We're looking into health care for ourselves. I'm pretty sure my knees are torn from my legs giving out the times they have. My Pain Management doesn't cover that really. The meds help out, but xrays etc on body parts not covered in my settlement aren't. Not even anything that's secondary to the original incident. That time has come and gone.

It'll be 9 years on the 26th of this month.

The man needs to be seen as he hasn't been on meds for his heart attack since we lost our insurance either. He and our son comes first. Me, it already is what it is.

They can be helped. Keeping a positive outlook...

Until next time...

Friday, January 01, 2010

Feelin' The Love

The following video is a collab of our son Kurtis V/Lil O-z (of Cashboyclick) and his buddy Tryumph. Our son wrote the lyrics, you can find his solo at 1:32 in the Video. The cover is our son also.

Hope you like...

Until next time..