Thursday, February 25, 2010

They Left the Nest

The girls moved out already. It came really fast. Originally when it was sprung on us, it would have been around the first. Not! It was Tuesday! Up and out! They still have much to move out of here. Everything really. Only took a few items. Haven't seen them since.

We had a few appointments on Tuesday. Prior to heading out, we were told they may get the apartment that day.

While we were out and about we got another call that they did in fact get it and the keys to move in as well.

After the appointments we went and bought them major necessities like toiletries, silverware, hand towels, kitchen stove mittens, food, broom, mop, cleaning supplies and so forth.

The girls turn 22 and 21 next month. While they both already got their birthday gifts early, in a way they got even more.

They are suppose to return this weekend to continue moving out their belongings.

I really didn't think it would come so fast. I am glad though that they had a plan of action and executed it.

Soon we'll be re painting and cleaning the carpets. Yay.

Our son has 2 rooms now. One for his bedroom and another for his Studio. (He writes and mixes music)

We'll soon have a new addition to the home. One who will use the 2 room addition. Double yay!!!

I'll now be the only female in the home. Eeeps!

Quite a change.

It's much more peaceful already. I don't have to worry about asking them to get their own chores done, clean up their own messes, watch the grandson, etc.

Now we can visit one another, they can come home for holidays or us go with them. It should be nice.

Until next time...

Sunday, February 21, 2010

When Children Move On.. and Out

A few days ago we were informed our daughter's are moving out. While this is a good thing, their dad wasn't pleased at the abruptness.

We just don't see how they will make it, however, gotta let them go and see if they can fly.

They often try to take advantage of us as is. In the last months this has been in question more than once. Adults pay rent, adults living in parents home do chores. No one gets a free ride. They can't pay rent here, but can elsewhere?

There was the main issue.

Army girl had just switched rooms with her brother. She took the second largest room and he took the smaller. Actually her bedroom might be larger than ours, but ours has the master bath.

We knew something was up, but didn't know it was a double doozie.

The oldest and grandson leaving will open up the 2 room addition to the home with private entrance. Similar to a living room with seperate bedroom. A door which leads into the home and another out front and a few feet from our own front door. It could also be considered a den with an extra bedroom.

One of my major goals was to one day use that addition for a support group meetings.

There are no support groups for RSD/CRPS in the Sacramento area. People need real time support. Online is a good alternative, but it will never replace actual flesh and blood contact. I could start a non profit. I have options.

We can also rent it out.

I could start a day care. The bedroom would fit 2 bunk beds, the front room/den area a play area.

I highly doubt I would ever do this. I don't have the energy for rug rats.

Our oldest daughter often helped me during surgeries etc. A care giver of sorts. But am thinking with all the extra house work that comes from her family, that once they are moved out and army girl as well, there won't be as much to do.

I may eventually, a little at a time, get the home the way I will like it. Get the baby prints off the walls, by painting, all the toys, but a few will be gone. The kitchen will be better kept in order. Electricity bills will decrease.

It's too much with a house full. Especially of adult children who don't care to even clean up their own messes. That's hard on us.

They're moving back to the apartments we moved from prior to buying our home. Back to West Sacramento, where we lived since it became it's own city separate from Sacramento in 1987.

We lived in those apartments since the fire in 2000 where we lost everything. No renters insurance. (any one who rents, please get insurance).

A year later, I was injured. I know all their memories lie within and around those apartments.

Now we'll just have our son to care for on a daily basis. And too it will give him a place to spend time away from home on occasion. And our grandson can come home to visit us as well.

They just have to realize that we won't be paying their way. One has a child, the other has been in the Army... they can do it, but responsibility comes with it.

It's going to go from full noisy house to nearly empty around the first of March.

A good birthday present for the both of them in a way. One turns 22 March 11th and the other 21 March 15.

And not to leave our son out.. he'll be 13 March 31st.

See how I couldn't leave him out? All March babies. ~grins

I'm beginning to get excited for them. I know we'll help them gather items of need. Kitchen and toilet necessities. Help find them furniture or pass them things from here. Just wont be putting out a lot of money. We're tight on funds ourselves and will now lose the little rent we do get from them.

One thing is for sure the empty rooms will need to be painted and carpets cleaned and they'll have to come back and take care of that. The oldest already agreed to come back and help paint the entire home since her boy marked some of the walls and such.

Just hoping it all turns out to be a good thing all around...

Until next time

Friday, February 19, 2010

Life's Purpose

I just finished reading a friends blog titled "What Gives Life Purpose" and I began to reflect on my own life as I've done so many times before. I might close my eyes and travel the path of what use to be. My life and my past.

I think about the many times I've been caught up in pain of one sort or other. From molestation, losing babies, fires, death of friends and family and so much more. I also think on the good, those things I've accomplished, chosen for either by man or God, maybe both.

My twin died 3 months before I was born. I myself wasn't to survive. I remember the stories of my possible birth. A few of them. After my twin died, my mom was encouraged to have a late term abortion. An ugly type of abortion that would kill me, but also have me pass through the birth canal and be born. Just still born.

My moms life was at stake through this entire ordeal.

The second option, after my mom refused to have this done was for my parents to accept that if I survived being born, I would be mentally and physically retarded and that they need to begin arrangements to have me placed in a long term care facility.

I still have the scars of the forceps on my head. Like a horse shoe, a lucky horse shoe.

There's two reasons I was named Twinkle, one my eyes twinkled with life, I'm often told that to this day. My dark brown eyes dance and twinkle especially when in laughter, mischief and so forth. The second.. I brought a twinkle to my dads eyes.

"course most think I was named from a couple hippies. I was born at the height of the Vietnam war. 1968. Another story exists with in this also, but I won't be speaking of it now.

When I was 22 I lost my own twins. Neither survived. One was ectopic, the other in uterus. If I had known then when I learned later, I might have been able to save the second. No one knew. For such tiny things, I carry an enormous scar. Not just an emotional scar, a physical one.

My belly was cut far from the left to far to the right and is quite apparent to this day. The result of the surgery and it being an exploratory left me with the reminder all my days. From that time on I was not supposed to be able to have children. Both our girls were born by the time I was 20. To imagine 4 children at 22... wow. I left it with being God's choice.

My Master was the last to carry on his family name.

I prayed and prayed.

Nearly 9 years after are oldest daughter was born, I gave birth to a son. It's odd how life works. I had already signed for a tubaligation prior to being wheeled in for that surgery where those babies were lost. Prior to being rolled in, my doctor, who was also my moms doctor and who delivered me, ask me one last time if I was sure, together we all tore up the signed documents.

Had I done that, our son would have never been. After all, he already shouldn't have been.

I went on to lose another child 2003. January 8th. I'll never forget it.

A few other things tried to get the best of me over the years. I learned to just move on.

The 9 year anniversary of my injury was January 26th of last month. And since then it's been a hard road.

What's my purpose?

I do know that had I not been injured and ending up with these various illnesses, debilitating ones, I would have never met so many wonderful people.

1000's of people in pain.

There's no doubt some would have crossed my path or mine theirs, but not to this extent.

Now I'm a guinea pig for medication research, therapy programs and so forth. An advocate for those suffering and those trying to live with the little they've got.

I'm taking a medication intended for Opiate addiction and instead using it for pain control. The nastiest stuff imaginable that is taken under the tongue until completely dissolved usually 10 minutes each time.

Last week I was having suicidal ideations again. I hadn't felt that way for awhile. Thinking of ways out, a break, and end to it all. I didn't act on my thoughts, instead I secluded myself for days. Turned off the comp and waited for the ugly emotions to leave me.

I wasn't thinking that way because I really wanted to die, on the contrary, I want to live.

...But not like this.

Continuous pain distorts perception. There are moments of insanity when the painful peak is so high it seems it will never ease down. It's easy to lose ones mind, even for a moment. Reality pushes forth and the right mind, knowing right from wrong, shows it self once more. The ability to reason becomes present long enough to tell myself "Are you crazy?"

My purpose surely wasn't home schooling our son,

but I experienced it.

Maybe my purpose is "experiencing".

I'm nearly certain part of it is the ability to understand. Walk many shoes. Remain compassionate, loyal, devoted and all be able to retain the playful spirit I once shared with people on a regular basis, either through work or association.

I've never turned hateful through any of it.. Even parts I haven't mentioned...

Sure I've been hurt, or at times felt punished some how, but I'd also have to believe I've done something to be punished for and.. I haven't. It could be the demons of dark trying to sway me from the goodness of light and if that could be true...

I could have the devil on me for not turning the other way and into it's darkness..

My ultimate purpose could be remaining in the light of love and forgiveness and if that's all there is to it...

I can be happy with it..

If there's more to it..

Much is left to be seen

.. and learned.

Until next time..

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Woot! Home From Casino

... And brought it all home (The entire $250.00). Woot Woot!!!!

A little over $100.00 more.

Sometimes it's so hard to walk away... but..

I did! He praised me.. he knows how I can get wanting to play it back.

On the way home, he bought me Valentines presents. As I said before.. I don't often ask for anything, he let me pick something out in a monetary range.

I got 2 new irons. A Straighten (with curling ability) and a curling iron I've never seen before. It's like 3 irons all connected for spiral or horizontal curling.

Hm.. will be fun to play with.

Gotta do something with my long tresses other than braiding. ~grins

Until next time...


Happy Birthday... Master .. ~smiles

Sunday, February 07, 2010

Californina Lottory Woot Woot

A few days ago my Master brought home 14 lottery tickets. An odd number but the left over of a $6.00 purchase. He kept 2, gave our son 2 to scratch off and gave me the rest.

I won a $50 dollar scratcher and a couple of free tickets. Yay! ( a 1 dollar ticket from the game Make Me a Millionare)

The next day I asked if I can have more with the winnings. He said sure, I won it.

I was tickled. He bought 20 and again we split it.

I won a $200 dollar ticket. Woot Woot!!!! (A 2.00 dollar from the game Diamonds)
It's a game that has 10 slots and one is to match your numbers to space/slot numbers to win that prize or uncover a 4X to auto win 4X the amount.

I won, 20, 20, 10- 4X, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20, 20. ~big smile

Also one 3, $10 dollar tickets, 2, $2.00 tickets and 3 tickets.

Soooo out of the $36.00 dollar winnings and putting the 200.00 away, he got me more. lol

Won 30 back, lost the 6.00 and ...

Have been wanting to get away from here. So he booked us a room at Jackson Indian Casino which was going to be for today until tomorrow, but pain got the best of me even under happy circumstances.

We're going tomorrow. Taking the $230.00 with us.

I won our mini vacation and am sooooo happy!

If we lose it, it's okay because there's nothing out of pocket.

I feel lucky and blessed. Hopefully my winning streak isn't over.

Kept winning 10's on the lottery tickets. ~grins

So we're heading out around noontime tomorrow, maybe earlier and returning home on Tuesday the 9th. If we win anything, we may stay an extra day.

Hopefully that day will bring some good luck since... not only is it my dad (who's passed on) and my moms wedding anniversary, but also someone birthday whom I'm close to.

Mom has been re married several years, but I still make note of their day together. Dad and mom were married 25 years when he passed in 1991, when I was 22.

I'm glad to get a way before my next pain block, probably sure have waited to do so ... after, in case in relieved me enough.. I could have had less pain going, but...

The man needs a break too and is happy to take me, so tomorrow is it.

If I need to I can go back to the room and rest. When we went last year that's exactly what I did. Pain escalated and he took me back to the room, had some vroom vroom, fell asleep and when it was time to go back down (he set an alarm) I still wasn't well enough and he went instead. I wished him much luck and went back to sleep.

I poop out too fast even in fun.

Casino's aren't good places to use walkers or wheelchairs. So I'll wear lidocaine beneath my ankle brace. I have a cane that's always kept in the van, so will have it if I need it.

Being there is really a lot of sitting also and since my butt is broken lol.. I have to stand as able to relieve it as well.

I'm determined to have as much fun as I can. For both of us.

Until next time...