Friday, February 19, 2010

Life's Purpose

I just finished reading a friends blog titled "What Gives Life Purpose" and I began to reflect on my own life as I've done so many times before. I might close my eyes and travel the path of what use to be. My life and my past.

I think about the many times I've been caught up in pain of one sort or other. From molestation, losing babies, fires, death of friends and family and so much more. I also think on the good, those things I've accomplished, chosen for either by man or God, maybe both.

My twin died 3 months before I was born. I myself wasn't to survive. I remember the stories of my possible birth. A few of them. After my twin died, my mom was encouraged to have a late term abortion. An ugly type of abortion that would kill me, but also have me pass through the birth canal and be born. Just still born.

My moms life was at stake through this entire ordeal.

The second option, after my mom refused to have this done was for my parents to accept that if I survived being born, I would be mentally and physically retarded and that they need to begin arrangements to have me placed in a long term care facility.

I still have the scars of the forceps on my head. Like a horse shoe, a lucky horse shoe.

There's two reasons I was named Twinkle, one my eyes twinkled with life, I'm often told that to this day. My dark brown eyes dance and twinkle especially when in laughter, mischief and so forth. The second.. I brought a twinkle to my dads eyes.

"course most think I was named from a couple hippies. I was born at the height of the Vietnam war. 1968. Another story exists with in this also, but I won't be speaking of it now.

When I was 22 I lost my own twins. Neither survived. One was ectopic, the other in uterus. If I had known then when I learned later, I might have been able to save the second. No one knew. For such tiny things, I carry an enormous scar. Not just an emotional scar, a physical one.

My belly was cut far from the left to far to the right and is quite apparent to this day. The result of the surgery and it being an exploratory left me with the reminder all my days. From that time on I was not supposed to be able to have children. Both our girls were born by the time I was 20. To imagine 4 children at 22... wow. I left it with being God's choice.

My Master was the last to carry on his family name.

I prayed and prayed.

Nearly 9 years after are oldest daughter was born, I gave birth to a son. It's odd how life works. I had already signed for a tubaligation prior to being wheeled in for that surgery where those babies were lost. Prior to being rolled in, my doctor, who was also my moms doctor and who delivered me, ask me one last time if I was sure, together we all tore up the signed documents.

Had I done that, our son would have never been. After all, he already shouldn't have been.

I went on to lose another child 2003. January 8th. I'll never forget it.

A few other things tried to get the best of me over the years. I learned to just move on.

The 9 year anniversary of my injury was January 26th of last month. And since then it's been a hard road.

What's my purpose?

I do know that had I not been injured and ending up with these various illnesses, debilitating ones, I would have never met so many wonderful people.

1000's of people in pain.

There's no doubt some would have crossed my path or mine theirs, but not to this extent.

Now I'm a guinea pig for medication research, therapy programs and so forth. An advocate for those suffering and those trying to live with the little they've got.

I'm taking a medication intended for Opiate addiction and instead using it for pain control. The nastiest stuff imaginable that is taken under the tongue until completely dissolved usually 10 minutes each time.

Last week I was having suicidal ideations again. I hadn't felt that way for awhile. Thinking of ways out, a break, and end to it all. I didn't act on my thoughts, instead I secluded myself for days. Turned off the comp and waited for the ugly emotions to leave me.

I wasn't thinking that way because I really wanted to die, on the contrary, I want to live.

...But not like this.

Continuous pain distorts perception. There are moments of insanity when the painful peak is so high it seems it will never ease down. It's easy to lose ones mind, even for a moment. Reality pushes forth and the right mind, knowing right from wrong, shows it self once more. The ability to reason becomes present long enough to tell myself "Are you crazy?"

My purpose surely wasn't home schooling our son,

but I experienced it.

Maybe my purpose is "experiencing".

I'm nearly certain part of it is the ability to understand. Walk many shoes. Remain compassionate, loyal, devoted and all be able to retain the playful spirit I once shared with people on a regular basis, either through work or association.

I've never turned hateful through any of it.. Even parts I haven't mentioned...

Sure I've been hurt, or at times felt punished some how, but I'd also have to believe I've done something to be punished for and.. I haven't. It could be the demons of dark trying to sway me from the goodness of light and if that could be true...

I could have the devil on me for not turning the other way and into it's darkness..

My ultimate purpose could be remaining in the light of love and forgiveness and if that's all there is to it...

I can be happy with it..

If there's more to it..

Much is left to be seen

.. and learned.

Until next time..


Snowbrush said...

"I just finished reading a friends blog titled "What Gives Life Purpose"

Moi? I always enjoy learning a little more of your story. I responded to what you wrote on my blog over there, Twinkle! Such a pretty name.

His kajirah said...

Yes it was your blog Snow.. ~smiles

Sometimes I can't even think of what to write about, what to share and it's odd because I have tons of thoughts but then become so very blank at the same time.

Thank you for liking my name. I love it too. I did get teased a little in school but after the worse year of it passed.. I embraced my name that very much goes with my personality and found that even when people teased they laughed and that made me happy.

The saddest or maddest of people would laugh hearing my name and I found much happiness in that.

I too responded back to your blog..

Wishing you less pain and many smiles..