Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Most Important Thing I learned This Week

I have learned quite a bit already in my first 4 days of my rehabilitation program. The most important thing I learned is that my life has been greatly affected by chronic pain. Everything reminded me of pain, in a great sense, I had given up.

Going to the store caused pain, so I stopped going. Being out with my family at all caused pain, so I stopped going anywhere. Walking hurt too bad, so I mostly stopped walking, going to the bathroom would hurt, so I started to hold it as long as I could. Sitting at the computer hurt, so I laid down often. Everything hurt! That's how my life got to this point. I lost any sense of routine, schedules and goals were not always completed on time. If my owner told me to pay the bills they were paid on time. If my son needed help with home work, I helped him, if my daughter needed help, I helped. I only went on for others. Not myself. I put nearly everything that had to do with me, off. I became secluded.

Because my Sympathetic nervous system is damaged, my fight or flight is locked down. It's frozen. A freeze frame. The mis fire of pain recognition signals in my brain, only feels pain. I always feel pain. People with my same illness do also. All of us to a similar extent.

There's nothing I can do to stop it, but I'm learning to get through it and go on.

I have to have a routine. I have to wake at a certain time. Do my Yoga, relaxation and breathing. I have to make daily goals and achieve them.

I cannot tell myself I will try to do this or I will try to accomplish that. I have to tell myself "I will". Saying that "I will try" leaves me open for choice, options and allows me to set myself up for failure or not doing as planned. Telling myself I will leaves no option but to do it. My psyche is being reprogrammed, reconditioned.

I have written my own mantra for meditating.

I was late to program on Wednesday. My pain was so overwhelming the evening of my first day that I was already giving up. I was already telling myself "I can't". I was in tears. I was sobbing when one of the doctors called to ask why I wasn't there. I had no option but to get my ass up and go. Everything was ready. My clothes, my lunch, my homework, but I was hurting and that made me not want to. Just like not wanting to go to the store or anything else. It reminded me of pain.

I am to be there by 8:30 a.m. My doc called at 10:00 a.m. My owner got me there by 10:45 a.m or about. I was to start walking that day as part of my therapy. I suppose that was in the back of my mind and again I knew it would hurt me, so I tried to avoid it as not to hurt more.

I am about 10 days off of 3 medications. Right now it's painful withdrawal symptoms on top of CRPS pain as well as movement I'm not at all use to.

It's hard to be somewhere when you haven't slept also. I hadn't slept Tuesday night. I finally did Wednesday night and Thursday I got 4 hours out of an attempted 9. Last night I told myself I would be up at 7:00 a.m which is the latest I can be up during the week in order to be on time. Since I have to put a schedule to my life, I kept it the same. I got up at 8 a.m. It was so hard. It seems silly in a way maybe that it would be so hard for me, but...
it was and while I missed by goal by an hour, I did make great progress considering my pre program ways.

While I will always physically "feel" pain, it doesn't mean I cannot be happy. It doesn't mean that my future should be a waste, or that my present is too hard to live through. I may think it all is, but it's not.

Being submissive doesn't help me here, being owned hardly matters, him pushing me isn't going to do it. Him being more strict won't make it happen. He can't save me! He can't stop the pain. I HAVE CHANGE ME! I HAVE TO WANT A PRODUCTIVE FUTURE! I HAVE TO WANT TO SERVE BETTER!

This program is showing me how. God knows I've teeter tottered on the edge of bye bye too many times because I don't know how to get through it and move forward. So many times I thought I was. By all the good things I've still accomplished through it all. I wasn't really living, I've been surviving day to day, that's all.

Am making dinner tomorrow. Spaghetti, salad and french bread (no bread for me though).

Today I will be practicing breathing. I have to learn to slow my breathing down. I forgot the name of the machine, but they put a strap around my belly to measure my breaths onto a screen. Biofeedback. I'm always in a hyperventalative state. Jeez. Had no idea. I breathe way too fast. This is something I can change. It will take time, but it CAN be fixed.

I have to listen to a relaxation cd today as well, and do some homework. I have to work on my "Factors". I'll explain more about Factors another time. I had to memorize 10 images in the Memory Master System (MMS) already, now I have to memorize them backwards. This is a pain diversion therapy.

I'm not yet in the "Zone" (remaining in my happy place inside my mind) with a score of 80 or above on my Freeze Frame biofeedback. I can only move forward once I've done so twice. My highest score has been 72 and my lowest 59 I think.

4 more people start the program on Monday.

And I'll be introduced to more PT and calming techniques.

Until next time..


Louve said...

It sounds like you've got alot to adjust to, but are adjusting well. I am guessing the most important thing you will learn is how to deal with your pain and still live your life well. Funny, twinkle...or not so funny, really...but I've never connected things we give up for the sake of pain. And when consumed with pain as you are...well, I can understand why you've been secluding yourself. But you're moving from that, beyond that. What comes to mind right now, is that Weight Watchers commercial that comes on and some stuffed animal creature (who represents hunger) is literally running the lives of overweight people. The Weight Watchers commercial stresses how they teach you how to stop giving control to hunger, as I guess, you've given control to your pain.

I am so glad you've gotten into this program and are learning these things...recognizing these things...and moving forward.

As always, my friend, I wish you the most very very best and am keeping you in my thoughts.

His kajirah said...

Hi Louve

wow, what a long week. Thank you so much for your support. I take my laptop with me to program everyday, so when I get home, I rarely turn it on. I've been online since 10 a.m this morning, 2 hours now. More than I have been since beginning.