First Appointment at Compass

Yesterday I went to meet the Psychologist and Physical Therapist at Compass. For the course of this program I'll be dropping the use of 3rd person speech from my blog. This has to do with my treatment.

I met with the Psychologist first. I gave a history, did memory tests and so forth. I filled out those psych tests and PTSD test thingy. I've was diagnosed with PTSD a few years back.

After I met with my Physical Therapist. Not like any other PT person I've ever met before. He took an additional history, more so, trying to get to know me. He asked how long I can stand, walk etc. When he looked over at me and ask how long I could sit without leaning onto the arm of the chair like I was doing.. I didn't have an answer for him. I don't always realize I'm doing that. He told me he would never be able to take my pain away, of course this is always a hard thing to hear, but I do already know this. He said he is skeptic when people say.."I'm willing to try anything" as I did also. This is when he went on to tell me my pain would always exist. I accepted his word. I understand. But there's a chance to manage it. And I'm ready to learn.

He had me try to stand one one foot at a time while he counted to 10. I did decently I think though I looked like I was flying trying to keep balance.

He dropped a pen on the floor and told me to pick it up. I did, but did it horribly, he dropped the same pen and asked me to kneel on one leg, I did so, he told me to never do it again. he could tell I hurt myself in doing so, I didn't whine a single whimper, I blew that one.

We moved to the bed, I slid up on it, he tested range of motion in my feet, I did pretty well. We tested my toes, I can bend my left, my right embarrassed me. The first 2 toes, try to bend, the 3rd and forth don't and all and my baby toe splays out like it's waving.

He poked me with a bent out paper clip, shit! But I didn't whine, my face flushed though, he could tell. He tested sensitivity, I knew I had Allodynia, was diagnosed with it before, he confirmed it. As well as another, Dystonia, also re confirmed.. He checked my body temperature in those limbs, temperatures were off by degrees. They always are.

The atrophy in my right calf is 2.5 cm, not too bad. In previous years it stayed at 2. this last year decreased to another .5.

I didn't expect this coming...

He told me to look him in the eyes (ugh) so I did. He asked me what my leg was, I hesitated and answered my leg? He asked me what my foot was, um, my foot?

Apparently I had been calling both of them "it" the entire time. It burns, it swells, it changes color see? it it it

That was a no no. I was disassociating those parts of my body from myself. I didn't realize.

With the command of having me look into his eyes and hold it.... I had a deja vu or flash back... of being back among Goreans. sheesh!

I have to start using the rough washcloth again as home therapy to desensitize, turn my stim off at night. I'll try turning my stim off at night this week, I started to last night, but found a setting while starting too that felt good, so.... on it stayed.

I'm not sure when this is suppose to start, I have to meet with them again and I don't have that appointment date yet. This time I'll be meeting with the team. What is nice is they include you in everything. It's not like one doc says one thing, and another says another, and one is going back and forth not understanding. I meet with all of them together. I've never been apart of a team of doctors before.

Today I am so sore, I suppose from pressing towards my toes when I picked up the pens or bending my foot at the same time.

As a Group Leader I speak in first person, during my new learning I have to also for my own well being. To say "she" is disassociating me from me. Interesting in a brand new light.

Until next time..