Ramblings of Gor

I find myself disturbed in that all those people, with a few exceptions, who claim to be gorean suddenly carry a holier than thou attitude. I'm not speaking of the free vs slave nature.

The same people that just a year ago Tal'd eachother entering chat rooms, in some forums now consider it role play when others use the same term. People that have claimed the Gorean status for years, the same people. People I once had high respect for is lessening more and more each day.

I am not one of those people who believe respect is earned. Instead I give it automatically and from there it can only be lost. Why should some earn my respect? Perhaps I should earn theirs but that's their decision. I'm not that way.

Suddenly the hypocritical ways and double standards are getting to me. Maybe I didn't see it as much before, maybe I didn't care to see it. It's not my business really. I see it more than I want to now. It bothers me because now I'm seeing those people as fake or liars one way or the other. It's one or the other. Again there are exceptions. They were in the chat rooms all those many years prior and up to a year ago, maybe some still go. The discrepancies are right out in the open, open is good, but do any of them realize that there are people watching and listening and how foolish they make themselves seem. Just because you're not called out on something doesn't mean you're perfect. Just because someone doesn't point out your flaws doesn't mean you don't have any. And just because someone doesn't say "Hey, wait a sec, that's not what you said before", doesn't mean you didn't say it.

I try not to be judemental, if someones not hurting me or my family, I just don't care. I judge on actions and intent, and I suppose I'm rambling along.

I mean really, people I thought high on the totum pole are slipping quickly. The same discussion disguised as a new topic comes up often. People will give their thoughts and be adament about it, but then when one goes back to look at previous posts similar, it's all backwards. Flip flopped in the other direction of thought.

Of course people are entitled to growth and change of heart, but when they claim and stand firm on their beliefs, codes, idioms and standard of conduct and then switch, it seems as if they're being less real than sticking to what they believed in the first place.

It can really put a bad taste in ones mouth for Gor and people in general.

I'm happy enough remaining faithful to the philisophical elements and not the fantasy induendo or the spot light.

Until next time...

Sleeping In

Today is the first day that I've slept in since my block. I've been up by 8 nearly every morning since. I've been keeping myself busy updating CRPSA, publicizing and promoting. My pain is coming back and seems rougher in some areas. It probably isn't. It's probably just the fact that because I've experience decreased pain it only "seems" worse.

On top of it the menstual beast showed up. Dang you Eve. Am gonna getcha when we meet inside them pearly gates. Infact I'm sure God will let me, maybe even encourage me to sock you in your trachea. It's all you're fault you know. You've made all us females suffer all because you just had to disobey and bite that apple. Damn you, slut! Ugh, see you soon enough.

I still haven't gone for my xray. I have until March before the authorization runs out.

Dobbie (nickname) is coming over today, a girl I used to take care of when she was younger, she never had food or things one needs to survive. She slept over all the time.

Been bouncing foster homes since. She's not quite 18 yet. Her brother was adopted out.

Have more updating to do, I wrote a coping with pain paper, and need to get it up. I'm still working on a video, I'll get it completed at some point.

Until next time...

Our Daughter is a Suicide Girl (Model)

My daughter who's in the Army has been accepted as a Suicide Girl/Model. If you've heard of the Suicide girls... she's one of them. All she has to do now is get her portfolio completed and sign her tax papers.

It's for girls who are inked and pierced. You don't get accepted with one or two tats, or even 5. She has 18. Sleeves, tribals, etc etc. Some of her poses will be nude. (back off freaks)

Maybe I'll give you a sneak peek some time. She's hot!!! (yep, think I will)

Did I ever mention Girls Gone Wild? Hm, well that's another story. ~laughs

Very different from her army pics, no smiling, no makeup... just tough.

I'm so proud of her. Achieving her goals and her dreams nearly all at once.

Oh and she's coming home again in April after she completes her AIT. Since she enlisted into the Army through the reserves, she gets to come home before being deployed to Germany. Yay!

Decreased Pain

My pain is still decreased in my right foot. It worked! For how long I will not know. I'm having some trouble with my calf and leg. My back at the injection sites is still sore, but otherwise am doing much better.

In the foot itself my pain level is a 2. Combined a 5.

I really needed a pain break and I got it good enough and I still have 2 more chances.

I am grateful.

1 Down 2 To Go

I haven't slept so well through the night for a long time. And even though I woke up a few times, I was able to go right back to sleep.

I went into the surgery center with a pain level of 7, by the time I went to recovery it was 6 and by the time I left recovery it was 4 and within a few hours a 2. I felt very little pain in the foot itself. But when the nurse was helping me get dressed and I went to put my slipper socks on (that's what I wore there) I couldn't lift my right leg at all, so I ask her to slip it on for me after several attempts of doing it myself. It hurt badly to try to lift and caused a painful reaction to my back. Wasn't too worried about it and declined when she said she would call my doc back in. It was more important for me at the time to have my juice they gave me, I didn't want it taken away. Was thirsty. lol. My foots still about a 2-4, my upper ankle and calf a 5 and my thigh a 7. Overall, it did me good enough for now.

Oh they checked my blood sugar for my Diabetes too, 107. Not bad. No danger zones.

I hope the next block is better. And since I can tell my doc what went on, he can better block me. I have 4 marks on my lower back, 2 where they numbed me, and 2 where they injected me. A little sore still, have to move easy, but no biggie.

Until next time...

Anxiously Awaiting

We leave for the surgery center at 8:00 a.m, my arrival time is 8:30 a.m, and I'm usually back there within 15 minutes of checking in and getting banded. I went to bed early, about 9 or so, slept maybe an hour, got up and begged the man to play Wii with me. My anxiety was rising and I could no longer sleep. I tried back to sleep about 1:00 a.m. No luck. Too anxious, as well.

Just got out of the bath. I cut my hair prior to taking it. He told me a few weeks ago I could trim it, and I just now did. Maybe an inch off the length. I'd be in deep doo doo if I took off more. That's why if anything it's shy of a full inch rather than a bit over.

I suppose I'll be laying here drip drying inside my robe and fiddling with my nose ring until it's time to go. I'm not fiddling with any other rings because then I'd have to go clean up again. hahaha.

I just hope time goes by quickly rather than stalling.

Anxiously awaiting...

First LSN Block Rescheduled

Tomorrows block has been rescheduled from 7:00 a.m to 8:30 a.m. Not much of a difference in time. Hopefully I'll sleep through the night, I cannot eat or drink 4 hours prior. I'm always thirsty and always have a bottle of water near. If I cannot sleep or wake too early it's going to be hell on me. While I probably shouldn't, but have once before, I'll swoosh my mouth with water and spit it out. That helps the dry mouth the meds cause.

Anyway,

I remain hopeful that I get some relief.

Today is the 8 year anniversary of the injury that caused all this mess. Blah

Them people can still kiss my calico ass!!!

Xray Request- Authorized

Finally after months waiting. The authorization for my xray has been approved. So both things I've been waiting for are finally accomplished. Well mostly, I still have to have my ass stabbed, but the appointments are scheduled atleast.

We'll go pick that slip up on Monday. I'm not sure where it is I go to to have it done. Will find out soon enough.

This is the xray to find out where my lead is, so it can either be adjusted or another lead implanted. Either way it would be evasive surgery. My back would have to be reopened at the least.

So I'll wait and see what happens after they get the imaging back.

3 Lumbar Sympathetic Nerve Blocks

I was asleep when the call came in to schedule my blocks. It's at the Sacramento Pain and Diagnostics Treatment Center, also known as Sacramento Surgery Center.

I've been thinking about it since I woke up. I had gone back to sleep after the call.
I admit I am nervous. I am every time. You have to have trust in your doc or who would want someone they didn't trust to shove needles into your spine. I trust him. He's been my Pain Manager since 2004. He's done all my blocks, have had 11 already, 3 sets a year usually, last time I only had one. He also did my trial SCS and then my permanent.

I go in, they start an IV, prep me, the gown and all that. They let me wear panties, but otherwise I'm naked beneath the gown. I wear low cut panties, otherwise they have to roll them down to expose the upper part of my ass. Sometimes there's blood drops on them after.

They wheel me into the operating room and I roll from the one bed onto another and onto my belly. My left arms is placed on a rest board where they inject me with 2 types of med to knock me out. There have been times I have woken up during the procedure.

That hurt! I could feel the long needle pushing and pressure inside me. When that happens, they knock me back out. Thank God! Waking up could cause major complications, one wrong move and that needle could slip and cause paralysis.

Because I'm so desperate to feel better, it's the price I pay, and I'm willing to accept the consequences.

After the doc is finished, they wake me back up. There's usually 4 people in there. The technician that runs the...hm.. well it's like a tv, xray thingy, it's where the doc can see where the needle is going when he's injecting. For example, before they put me to sleep, I can see an xray image of myself on it. Then there's my docs assistant, the anesthesiologist, and someone else as a backup for whatever. Maybe even a student.

When I had my SCS impant, there must have been 10 people in there. Including 2 from Medtronic. That many people saw my bare back and ass. Gosh!

Anyhow then after I go to recovery for a half hour, the doc checks my legs for warmth. The block if it takes will make the flesh extra warm to the touch. If it does get warm like that then I would have to be taken back in and do it all again.

I usually come home with 4 holes in my back. Actually more near by upper butt, slightly to the right. I guess it would be the lower back. Very low.

I'm just praying atleast 1 of the 3 will do me well. It's never happened with any of my blocks, but if the first worked, that would give me 1 full week of decreased pain, if the second worked, another week, if the third worked, another week. I could have a chance at an entire month or more.

I pray for that often.

If they work at all, I only get a couple of days at most. A couple of times, it didn't work for more than 6 hours.

Each time I'm required to fill out a pain diary. I track my pain levels from the time I leave the center (the nurses track the first one) for 36 hours. Then it wants to know how I felt on the 3rd day.

I've posted my pain diary online at my other blog before. Maybe I'll do so here as well.
Will think about that.

Counting down.. less than 5 days for the first.

Surgery Center- Finally

Finally some good news.

I'm scheduled for a series of 3 blocks.

I go to the Surgery Center-

Tues, Jan 27th at 7:00 a.m

Tues, Feb 3rd at 7:30 a.m

Tues, Feb 10th, at 7:30 a.m

Keeping fingers crossed these work. Atleast some or more. Oh God, I really need a break, really need them to work for the hell I have to go through each time to have it done.

He'll probably inject my spine 4 times. That's what he usually does. Either 3 or 4. A day of rest after, I usually come home and go to sleep, and I'm good to go to test it out.

Finally

Being Proud to Promote

A few days ago I was contacted through my business email to consider advertising and promoting a website. People helping People, I remembered that logo from the past. I remembered having come across it in my research atleast a year ago.

I review all sites that come through me for help. So of course, I did so quickly. It had been given a complete makeover, the navigation was simpler, the group leaders great. I continued to peek beyond what I was asked. So I searched the site further from the main Group I was asked to promote.

Totally awsome! Many will benefit. That's all it takes.

I joined as well. I have to know what I'm supporting is doing from day to day. Plus, it gives me the opportunity to be on the opposite side of the fence from time to time. A place to vent instead of being the one vented to. Share and learn. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind at all being a shoulder for people, it makes me feel good, but now I can express in a different way, too.

Their competitor who I'm already a member to and have been for quite sometime, hm, well..
Not my fault MDJ got to me before ICC. First come, first served, unless I discard a site for some reason. Most all will make it to the links page, very few make it to the front page.

Merit and review. The advocate and the patient.

I don't charge to advertise these types of sites on CRPSA. They make it on merit, passion and purpose to do good.

A few months ago I was approached by an XXX related site. I could have made a pretty good lump of change advertising on my site for them. In fact enough to cover all my expenses and more. I declined.

I love to serve, I'm constantly serving, one way or another. My legs might not go, but my mind does. Just gotta have heart.

I have heart.

And am very proud to promote

Mint N Chip Ice Cream in the Middle of the Night

My Doc appointment didn't go so well. Not going to go into details right now though. The only semi good news is that the paper work has been submitted for my blocks, so it's just a matter of waiting. And waiting... oh and did I mention.. waiting?

I woke up at 2:30 a.m this morning, a bit over an hour ago. Then indulged myself in some Dreyers Mint N Chip, no sugar (splenda) ice cream. A brand new half gallon, so I sat here sulking for a few minutes scraping the nearly frozen top off it. A little at a time. Hoping it would soften. I was really eager to get at it. I got about an inch down and put it up.

I usually don't do that. But after, I did feel better. I rather laugh every thing off instead of getting bummed out about things. It doesn't do me or anyone else any good to be sad.

I talked with Bubbles for about an hour in text messaging last evening. All is well.

Monthly Pain Management Appt

I got to my month pain management appointment this morning. Will leave about 10:30 a.m. I'm pretty sure that there will be no good news regarding my xray, additional lead or blocks.

I want to beg for a Cortisone injection, but I know he will not give it to me. Each time I ask I'm told I've had my max for a lifetime.

I've been taking Flaxseed Oil. Sometimes just swallow the gel caps and sometimes I just pop them between my teeth so the oil absorbs faster. Am thinking of adding b12 in large amounts as well.

The last couple of days have been tough. I kept having lucid dreams and a few things I need to very from them. I'm one of those freaks of nature. I don't have ESP exactly but a strong psychic perception. A blessing and curse at the same time. Have always had it. Thoughts are suppose to be secret, but that's not always so when I'm around.

Oh and my belt theory works better with the belt over my chest rather than under, but I still haven't tested it on body piercings.

Maybe I'll have some good news later this afternoon regarding my doc appointment. Afterward, depending on how I feel, we're going shopping. Our grandson's 3rd Birthday is on the 2nd. Everyone had a really good Christmas, so it's back to smaller, more affordable gifts, plus.. all of our childrens Birthday is in March. Ouch! A family could go broke with that alone. ~laughs

Surviving the Unemployment Crash

It's been 6 weeks since the man has been on Unemployment. After 13 years with the same employer, change is in the midst. He's considering going back to school and will look into that next week. There's almost no doubt he'll take a serious pay decrease from what he was making.

I'm looking as well. Maybe I can find something for 1 or 2 days a week. I don't meet many of the simple qualifications to work. Sedentary only, but then I also cannot sit in one position for more than a half hour tops. I have to be able to get up as needed after 15 minutes and nearly all employers don't go for that. There is one plus though, whoever does hire me will get a considerable tax deduction for hiring a disabled person. Employers are needing perks and quirks right now too being that the economy is so bad. The biggest problem is that it's more than likely not going to happen for 1-2 days a week, but then also with so little hours they don't pay medical benefits and most don't want to have to. That's why they keep many employees at a 32 hour work week or less so they can bypass it.

I use to do body piercings to make a few extra dollars, up until a bit over a year ago. Two summer ago I was doing quite a bit, but when the nerve damage spread to my upper extremity, my right arm, I couldn't keep a steady hand any longer. I have a theory on how to bypass that problem, I've used it for other things, but not piercing as of yet.

I use to be very good at piercing, very fast.

My theory still needs to be tested.

I got the idea this way though. Not long ago I was writing a hand written letter and my hand was shaking as well as the arm itself. So I strapped a belt around my upper right arm and buckled it beneath my breast bone on the opposite side under my left arm. It steadied my problem. Since the nerve damage is in my arm and not my hand, my hand shaking was just an effect of it.

Same with when I type, my hands quiver. Anyway, something for me to try. Where there's a will there's a way. Mostly.

I've been practicing wood burning. My Master has a nice professional unit. I'm free handing it so far. Just practice lines, curves, letters, names, etc.

What I really need is something different to do.

I spend more time researching than anything else.

I use to chat alot, serve in rooms, but my online time was never an entire waste as I always had other things to do. Research, write, publish, be published, maintain, build, administrate, websites of either my own, or others. Correspond with major organizations and more. Just a busy girl.

I've probably been in a chat room 5 times in 2 years. I semi frequent 1 forum of interest, but not nearly as much as a few months ago. I love good conversations, debate, insight, thought provoking mindsets and such, but...

...anything other than that doesn't float my boat, rock my ship or wet the panties I don't wear. And if I have to put on my cyber boots just to wake through the crap.. I'm out of there.

We're making it decently as of yet. There's no worries of losing the home we just purchased 10 months ago, the bills are getting paid, no ones starving, but we're lucky to have a nest egg in the bank. Everything has to be done carefully. Any spending has to be easy and with that and only that way will be be okay until he finds work.

We wrote out a check to my mom tonight, a loan really, they're in a bind, but I'm not expecting it back. I like to help others, it makes me feel good. And all good deeds come back, they really do. In different ways. Sometimes it takes years. All those things before, years ago, it already came back.

That's how we're surviving the unemployment crash...

I Really Need a Butt Rub

That Gizmo (SCS) is like sitting on a cell phone all day, ya know. I begged my Master to rub my ass, but he's busy, I begged my daughter and got smirked at, so I begged the grandson, I said 'Tai...nana needs a butt rub, he repeated in question form, nana wanna a butt rub? I said, yes please, he said... no nana, I no wanna.

~hangs my head

Gosh!

My butt is really aching, guess a wench has to do some things herself, sometimes...

(slides my hand down my shorts)

No peeking people, I'm kinda shy

Waking Up with Folgers in my Cup

I just love Folgers Coffee. I like the dark roast. The breakfast brew is too light for me, the medium is okay, the strong works, but the dark roast? Yum! A good cup of coffee just makes me so happy.

Splash it with dab of cinnamon and wowies.

So being that I haven't been awake for long...

That's what I'm going to do...

Wake up with Folgers in my cup

Pics of my Brother

In regards to my previous blog post about my older brother, I transferred the pictures taken Saturday January 10, 2009 and here are a few. In this one, my brother is on the left and his son, my nephew is on the right. I love this pic! By the way, his son is 18, otherwise I probably wouldn't have posted his pic. A has a girl, but he likes to talk to others too.

Ponders posting a pic of just my bro, hm...
Well okay, I suppose for the sake of any girls possibly interested, I will. I am the pimp girl now, ya know. Okay, so which one should I put up... thinks...

It was a whiskey day, some buzzin' going on, alcohol sometimes messes with features and facial responses, I have about 15 pics of either both of them together, or just the Brother. Gosh, I can't decide which is best for him. I suppose these will have to do. At least for now.



So here they are.

Well wishes...

A Visit From My Brother

On Saturday, I was surprised by a knock on the door, I was laying in my bed which is located at the back of the house, down a long hallway, our son runs in and says "Uncle L is here". I got up, almost pretty quickly considering it's hard to walk. I was excited, as I hadn't seen him in years. He knew where we lived because his son, my nephew, had been here before.

We had a good visit, I got information on life that I only had pieces of. Parts of life back when our dad was still alive. Things I didn't know of since I had already been taken and married to my husband. I was suppose to go to another man, who would have been 7 years older than me at the time. He was 25, I was barely 17. My husband snatched me from him by the time I was 4 months from my 18th bday. My husband being only 18 then was more of a man than many men are today even in their 40's. Already working a stable job since he was 12, working for his fathers company. His dad was retired Airforce military having spent 21 years there. After he ran a trucking company where my husband worked as a loading and unloading person of the trucks. Good money for a young kid. I don't know, somewhere around $400 per month back then. When I met him, he made much more.

When we moved back to Southern California nearly a year after we were married and me being pregnant with his first child, he went to work with Larry doing framing for a construction company. That's a story in itself.

L raised his son alone, the mother bailed right after giving birth to him.

My brother is a Truck Driver, following in the steps of our dad, who was a long haul driver from Sacramento to LA for many years until he finally relocated his family to La Verne CA. That's were I went to high school. Bonita high. Well for 2.5 years any how. We moved again to buy a house in the high desert, Apple Valley, ugh. My senior year was there. Blah. It really sucked. Everything I knew went bye bye. Having grown up in Sac it was already a hard transition leaving all the many friends I grew up with to go to La Verne, but luckily I adapted pretty quick there. It really was the best. And the best of memories. Speech and Drama clubs, Debate clubs, chamber singers, concert choir, flag/rifle girl.

Or course L was raised the same as us girls, but opposite, after all he was a male. Our oldest sister who must be 52 by now, very submissive and still married to her high school sweetheart. It wasn't all sweet though. Our brother D passed away a few years ago.

L is who I learned much about BDSM from. I've never been active in the BDSM activities.
Sure I've had my ass spanked, and my hair pulled, and and um...

But that's about it.

My brother is 7 years older than me. He's 47. Our birthdays are the same month.

He's looking for a girl. Submissive or slave, he's slightly familiar with Gor, hasn't read the books, but understands the philosophy as being closest to how we were brought up. He wants me to screen girls for him since he's on the road alot. Tough job for me since I really don't know any.

He doesn't want a doormat, but he does want dinner on the table when he gets home and a clean house. He expects her to mind (this is how our father raised us). He makes decent money, approx $50,000 a year. He doesn't want a gold digger and is adamant about that. The girl would not necessarily get what she wants, but she would have what she needs. You would not control any bit of his money. He would give you some as he chooses. He has other girls. He always has and they know of eachother.

Wow, he looks like our dad. He's tall, mixed (Amerindian, Mexican), dark wavy hair, green eyes, fairly fit, a few tattoos. Very masculine. I'll have some pics up of him soon, once I get them off the camera. He has a past, sometimes good men don't do all good things and sometimes those not so good things are for good reasons.

To be blunt, he doesn't put up with any shit, he would have no problem pointing a girl to the door, which basically means, know your place. Since he drives he's away often, but as of now, home on weekends.

Will get those pics up soon. Well hm, I kinda feel like a pimp, but I'm a slave and this is what I was told to do for him and so I am.

We'll see how it goes

Any questions, toss them my way...

When the Gizmo Malfunctions

My implant has been causing me some troubles. At first I thought I cracked it when I fell through my moms front door in Georgia late October. I'm just really not sure. I know for sure that my wire/lead has slipped. I'm still waiting for an xray authorization to find out where on my spine it is now.

When I lay on my tummy the stimulation is up right beneath my breast bone, weird. Now that's a way to have a wench flip flopping like a fish out of water on the bed. Fun for others to watch, not so fun for me. It makes me scream. A scream one can't hold back. Maybe an intensely loud whimper, a oh my god, make it stop whimper and yelp type thing.

I had to reprogram my programs to try and move the lead down my spine, it works for a little while sometimes, just have to be careful not to bow my spine too drastically, or Zap!!!

But sometimes it's funny when I get too close to an electrical appliance or metal and get goosed in the ass. Hm

When the gizmo fails...

eeps!

Remembering When.... I Was a Poster Girl

As I lay back again in my newer large rounded chair, I remember when I was a poster girl. Not only was I a poster girl for Huey's Diner in West Sacramento, I was on all their menu's for years. Not just our store, but the sister store. We were the second of two stores. The first being on Arden Way. Ours being on Harbor Blvd. I wasn't apart of the West Sacramento Day Parade that year. Instead I served the store with one other girl. A 2 server floor, Nancy and I, amidst 100's of customers that showed up each hour for 6 hours. Wow, we made the big bucks. Originally I would have been apart of that parade, televised live. What I didn't know then was that they needed the strongest servers to run that entire 50's style diner to ultimately make all those customers happy. It was such a slam dunk continously for hours. Hard! And we did it! ! I did!

Not only was I poster girl, but I was one of only two who was selected to do their commercial. Oh how happy I was to be chosen to do it, be apart of it, represent the diner with a smile, and be locally known everywhere I went.

I was already quite popular in our city, I had been for years, I had served the city one way or another since 1997. My first name being unique most everyone knew me and those that didn't personally recalled me when they heard my name again.

That was truly a memorable year. Within a year, I was shift supervisor, within 3 months, I was assistant manager, and within 2 months West Sac was my store. I was General Manager. I couldn't go any higher. There was no one above me but the owner's themselves.

My most sentimental memory as GM was my kitchen manager who named me Caliente. There's a duel story behind this name. The first was the back of the house all thought I was HOT. The second was that the perfume I wore was called Caliente. I still wear it.

I fondly remember the day Rudy came up to me, his nose inhaling my scent as Selena played on the radio. Como la Flor... And he asked what it was.. and I said.. Caliente, he said si chica tu caliente, I said no es caliente.. or something similar and it went on for a few moments as I pulled from my briefcase... Caliente. We all laughed. And there it was, there it stood, there it remained. I was caliente. From that day forward, I was called caliente and so it was caliente was born online in 1997. Later shortened to cali.

While I was a brunette as a poster girl, I was blonde for the commercial. Very long blonde, non bound, wavy locks of tresses flowing down my breasts and continuing down to my belly, with the tiara in place and our single spoken line...

It's Mash Potato Time At Huey's Diner... !!!! Michelle and I in unison and it was a wrap after less than 4 takes. Those 4 takes was just our own, included in the commercial was the male owner bent over the jukebox as if playing a selection, a flash of customers, icecream and more. We were the highlight of it all.

The poster is still in circulation...

It's your guess as to who I am...

Remembering when....

Clinical Trial: Medicinal Cannabis- RSD/CRPS Completed

In November of 2003, UC Davis Medical Center in Sacramento California began a clinical trial for Medicinal Marijuana use for Neuropathic pain associated with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) type 1 and 2. Having been diagnosed with RSD/CRPS type 2 (Causalgia) the same year, I was very eager to participate in the study. The best part was that UCD Medical Center is located just 15 minutes down the street from us. Due to certain circumstances I was not able to participate.

For information about this study please refer to ClinicalTrials.gov .
ClinicalTrials.gov processed this record January 5, 2009. (Today)

ClinicalTrials.gov Identifier:

NCT00254761

What is interesting is that while cannabis for the casual user is technically illegal, mandatory eligibility requirements constituted having previous marijuana experience. You could not be marijuana naive and participate.

While I've never been a big Ganja user, I conducted my own study since I couldn't participate in the Clinical Trial.

While I'm almost certain most participants would claim it decreased their pain significantly whether it did or not simply because when severely pain stricken we become so desperate that we'll do almost anything to survive the moment. With a prescription from our pain manager we can buy, grow (up to 12 plants) and use it legally for pain.

My own personal study concluded with this:

It did not help beyond an approximate 20 minutes for pain itself. I would presume it was because during that 20 minutes I was high. My mind was sidetracked. This is not a bad thing. 20 minutes without pain or even "thinking" you aren't in pain can seem a lifetime when the alternative is praying to die.

When I finished smoking no more than a quarter of a joint, equivalent to 2-3 short to moderate inhales, my legs rushed with warmth, this is also a good thing, it means the damage from the nerves in my legs was responding, but when the pain began increasing again and at it's peak it seemed tri-fold from where it started.

It also heightened my hyper-sexuality. Yet another good thing. However, when the feeling of triple terror overwhelmed me when the pain returned, I was again back to being afraid to be touched as my flesh has become so sensitive over the last couple of years that a brush of passion, a touch of love, feels like being cut with razors instead.

Those with CRPS type 1 previously known as RSD may have better luck. CRPS type 1 means no known nerve injury or damage. Type 2 means with known nerve injury and damage. CRPS type 2 was previously known as Causalgia. RSD became a universal term to mean either.

I am interested in knowing how cannabis has helped those with CRPS type 2.

Is it really worth it? And is it worth it enough?

Perhaps.


~rsdcrpsfire

Suspending Nature

A passive nature, naturally submissive, easy going personality, respectful, courteous, ambitious, loving, playful, dependable, strong, eager to please, thrives on praise, grateful for guidance and correction, willing, deferring to the will of another, graceful, and warm in all she is. Always a good reflection on the man who either owns her or those that are apart of her life. Her attitude doesn't change when she's not in his presence, she's loyal, devoted, he doesn't dummy her down, but supports her efforts and achievements. He encourages her in her endeavors, hopes, dreams, leads her above her failures, takes care of her when she's weak, never lets her feel worthless, lifts her when she's down, is pleased when she's up.

To be or not to be

She inclines her head before authority, lowers her eyes upon an answered question she's asked yet is not satisfied with. Organizations, Lawyers, Judges, bosses, Leading officials, Depositions and more. She allows herself to be treated poorly in the midst of important decision making by those who should be fighting for and advocating on her behalf. She continues with respect in the conversation, she may be told to be silent and except the words she's being told, she does so as her insides grow in anger and she thinks to herself, "What am I doing, why am I letting this go on, why am I allowing these people to treat me so poorly?"

What she is and all that she has been begins to take on something different. She realizes that being pleasing out in the real world barely gets one half way. It's those that are higher up in the world that puts her back down. The man that owns her observes the changes in her, had told her in the past to watch her tone of voice and use of speech before these others. She began to resent it. These are not small matters the girl is dealing with, they are large continously changing life altering events. Her owner finds that he's become helpless in regards to his precious property. He can't save her, but he can believe in her, love her, and cherish her while he gives and blesses her a freedom she's never quite had before.

The freedom to take any actions, do and say what she feels is necessary to any person and go forth in the effort to defend and protect her own well being as well as that of others in similar circumstances.

The only condition being that she have evidence, material or research to back up any claim or argument that she makes. There's only one person that can change the girl's life and that is the girl herself.

So I ask all you men out there (and women)... Would you allow your girl (or boy) to suspend their nature, even if parts of it may make you look bad along the way? Allow her defiance by your side in the presence of others? Would you allow her to tell another man or official to fuck off? Or discipline her after or immediately on the spot for the potty mouth?

Sub-note: Although these questions are posed to the dominants first, I encourage the slaves and submissives to either offer or seek permission to offer their feelings and participate also.

I look forward to your words of wisdom

(Cross-posted from May 22, 2007 - Tuesday)

Back in the Army Again

Early yesterday morning we drove our daughter and future son-in-law back to San Francisco Airport to board their flight destined for Georgia. Another approximate 6 months to complete AIT.

Having our daughter home for Christmas was absolutely wonderful. Meeting her boyfriend and then having him ask my Master (her father) for her hand in marriage was for sure a memorable moment. We really like him.

It's hard being separated from a child.

The drive to the airport seemed to take forever, yet it's only an hour and a half from us. They could have flown into Sacramento, maybe 20 minutes away from us, but the tickets to fly into S.F. was cheaper. And so that's what they did. We did the same thing when we went to her boot graduation in October.

They slept in the van on the way to the airport, we listened to CD's and talked. There were some moments of silence, wandering minds, knowing we'd be hugging her g'bye soon.

And we did soon enough

Love ya, Rikki

Back in the Army again.

$600.00 Bucks was the Price for Freedom

On New Year Eve's day, my Master had to take Freedom to the vet. He wasn't eating, he was cowering down, snapping and growing, but not biting, and we knew something was wrong. Freedom is just a year old now, his temper is easy. Our grandson who will be 3 next month rides him like a horse, pulls his tail, lays on him, they tussle together, so the difference in temper the 2 days prior was really a warning.

He had an infection from a dog bite a week prior when he decided to dart past us out the front gate and go sniff up the neighbors lawn. The dog that lives at that house jumped the fence and bit him.

He goes back to the vet tomorrow to have the 4+ drain tubes removed from his neck.

IV, antibiotics and pain pills

$600.00

We're not informing our neighbors. Both animals were off leashes, our dog was on their property and their dog was only defending it's own property. That's how we look at it. The neighbors knew the day it happened and apologized.

We didn't realize the wound had infected. Our problem.

But $600.00 bucks, good grief!!! We paid it in full. We were so not putting the dog down, just glad we had the cash on hand even though it was a month's worth a mortgage payment. Our entire mortgage is $950, but our oldest daughter pays $400.00 for her own family living here. Atleast her portion is rent, all utilities, laundry, etc etc included.

Okay, so we'll have to make some cut backs. Christmas is over and it was cut back time anyway.

We'll make due.

I cooked a ham New Years Eve and played Wii, slept all day New Year and woke today. Erykah was out all night with the girls and just got home. Infact, I think she's been away since New Years Eve. Poor Fiance was stuck here. sheesh.

They leave for the San Francisco airport at 4:00 a.m.

Am not sure when we'll see her again. Maybe I can make it to GA for one last visit before she gets sent off. She'll be at AIT another 6 months, I think.

If they get married before they're stationed, I think they get to go together, if not, then they'll get separation pay.

I'm feeling separation anxiety again. My pain is uncontrollable. And I'm not sure what to do to sidetrack myself.

Separation anxiety + Chronic pain = Hurts alot!