Sunday, March 29, 2009

4 Days of Insomnia

This one doesn't understand why she's still awake. She's on her 4th day without any sleep beyond an hour at a single given time or a few dozers of 15-30 minutes. That's all. It hurts to sit up, but it's more tolerable than laying down. Am doing okay considering it all. When she tries to lay down, getting all the pillows tucked around her, she ends up staring out the bedroom window, just watching the subtle breeze of evenly nice weather blow lightly the leaves on the tree. She watches as the sunlight becomes stronger and it's rays bring warmth to her face right through the sliding glass windows. When she lays that direction she always pulls the curtains partially open just a few inches and at the most 10. She'll set her bottle of water or juice in the window sill for easy reaching. She doesn't even have to extend her hand more than 2-3 inches to take a sip. She gets wrapped up in thought as she gazes about.

Sleep hasn't yet come.

Normally, she tends to sleep alot, right now, it's just not coming back.

She ends up rolling back over carefully to face the spacious surroundings. She pulls herself up to the edge of the bed, bringing her laptop stand closer. Other than using the rest room, she's sat for hours at a time leaning just a little to her left being careful that with that lean she doesn't bend her spine any. She's sure she already has however minimal. it's a challenge to not reach out for an object, or lean over to grab hold of something. A hair brush, turn the fan on, usually simple things. She picked her sons jacket up from the floor earlier, a total no no, but she didn't even realize it. When the cat was demanding to be fed, she fed him, again not realizing that she was bending to do so, she was scolded that time. Of course she knows it was for her own well being. It takes more than will power and more than someone who one has relinguished control to. It takes self determination. Perhaps even self mastery. 

She has to constantly be aware that she cannot do these things. She cannot wait for her owner to catch her in the "oh shit, she spaced it again" accidental act. She knows better, she has to remember to know better and apply it immediately before the unintentional act occurs. A conscious mental sticky note in mind at all times. Self awareness. 

No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

Whether owned, mastered, proptery, submissive or a slave to another it also takes self reliance under these types of circumstances. 

The eagerness to please him is still there. This one needs to show him she is capable of accomplishing this. It is her body and she does need to take care of it. That might sound a bit oxymoronish. She's his in all ways, but it's her body to take care of. She is pretty sure most of you know what she means. He already takes care of this one well. She needs to remember to do better and keep in mind that the doctor gave her several restrictions.

A good example would be that the tape keeping her bandages in place has been making her itch and she was scratching, and her Master walked in to check on her and she got caught, and he firmly said STOP. she continued to get in another little dig while he was speaking, oh gosh, it was driving her nuts. She caught his glare and she stopped. He doesn't need to babysit her. He shouldn't have to, nor is it really his responsibiity. He told her no from there she obeys or disobeys. 

She rather have him happy with her and the choice she made to.... obey him. 

Sleep must be coming soon. This body aches so very much. It has to regenerate and rejuvinate or it will fall so very far behind in things. Surgical pain on top of chronic nerve damage pain is nearly sending her over the edge... on the other hand it's so much, she almost feels nothing at all. A numbness of sorts. Not in body, but in mind.

She needs to heal well. Really want to play with that Wii fit darnit!

This one really is independent you know, can peel an orange all by herself. 

Yep, she can. ~grins

Until next time...
(which might be later if she doesn't sleep)
"I never saw a wild thing- sorry for itself.  A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough- without ever having felt sorry for itself"  ~D.H. Lawrence.


Snowbrush said...

Similar things happening here. I was awake most of the night--I don't know why, too much coffee maybe but not sure. And I too am very aware that I HAVE to restrict my movement or else I will destroy what the surgeon did and be worse off than I was before. Only I'm not used to not using my arm, for anything. It is worse than worthless right now because all it can do, must do, is to heal.

Sweet dreams.

His kajirah said...

Hi Snow

Finally got some sleep. For about 18 hours even. Haven't been awake too long. You made a good point, coffee. Had been drinking coffee also. Think the Norco's caused me to stay awake too. Any variation of Hydrocodone always did that to this one. Didn't think with a mix of the Norco with the Morphine would have though. Maybe hope itself was keeping one awake. Or maybe both of us. The idea that after healing better relief would come. Can totally understand how you mean that if you're not careful you could destroy the work the surgeon did.

Be easy on that arm, Snow. It will be difficult since you use your arm for everything. This might sound kind of funny, but add a sticky note to your computer or laptop that says "Do not use arm" or something similar to help keep it in the conscious part of your mind. It may or may not help, but its a thought.

Thinking of you,