Wednesday, March 18, 2009
A Note To My Readers
I realize many of my posts reflect pain and health issues. This I do apologize for. It just so happens that I'm quite consumed with these problems. It is my life. Unfortunately there isn't much else to talk about right now. I am hoping that after I heal and my pain and worries decrease this will change. Life is a challenge and everyday I focus on that when fear looks at me, I look back at it stronger, so that I can find some ease in it all. I've been accused of seeking pity and whining, but it's quite the opposite.
I recently made a Journal entry at Collarme which reads...
"So I've made some mistakes here on Collarme, specifically in the Gorean Philos Forum. A couple of people are not pleased that I've been so open about personal things such as pain. I've taken the their reasons into consideration. They've been discussed with my Master. I will be working better to not disclose these things unless absolutely relevant to a topic of discussion. I've never derailed a thread with any of these personal things, but the fact of the matter is, some don't like it. It has also come to my attention that others do prefer to know the real me and not just the image or character another might create in their minds regarding a person.In any event, I'll keep fairly or fully shushed.While it is most important to please only my Master and he is not displeased with what I've written or told (yes he reads the same forum and sometimes with me) it is important to me that all are pleased with my actions.I do care.I don't want to be seen as a whiner, pity seeker or anything else some might assume I'm doing. On the contrary it's quite opposite. It's determination, survival and the will and want to continue serving and viewed in the eyes of the Free as pleasing.It takes heart and passion.I'll do better to keep things between myself and those that are on a need to know basis.But I cannot stop being me because someone doesn't prefer me anymore. My Master said so.To any I've offended, please forgive me.Wishing everyone peace and harmony. "
I'm retaining faith in the fact that if my followers didn't want to be here, they wouldn't be.
I know that some are watching me from afar, watching what I write, analyzing it, criticizing it and some are embracing it.
Having given my life many years ago to a man that I call Master, my husband, and while he may not have been my Master per se in the beginning, he's always been my owner. To relinquish control and give ones life to another and then something happens that he cannot control becomes a feeling of helplessness. When your Master cannot even save you, there is only a will to survive and a belief in a higher power that can give one hope. For all the years that I served, kept a good home, raised the children, gave him peace, helped take away his worries, even the ones that he wouldn't reveal, but that I could feel and then for it to switch around in many ways is not a good feeling. The good feeling comes back in that he takes care of me fully. He does not hesitate. To the end, I know with all of my heart I'm in perfect hands. Many men would discard that which becomes a burden or is seemingly one. This man will not. I am still valuable to him. He tells me so. And I am so very loved. Nearly 23 years. I don't know anyone else with a Master or slave that has made it as far as we have. Correction, 1 other man on CM.
Love, honor and obey. I do.
Being cared for, I am.
There's really only one way to understand and that is to live it. All of it. Many get half way or more and that is enough often times. There's not way to walk in a shoe that doesn't fit, but there is a way to walk in a shoe that has at one point or another and look back. Some people have heart enough to have never experienced chronic pain, incurable diseases, painful surgeries, pain in general, but still understand. It's inside them.
Of course I wish that my life would turn around and I would have better things to talk about. However had I not ever been placed in the situation I have been, I would not have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of people I would not have met otherwise. Fletch, Skittle and Mike... others. Our hearts are with each other always and that matters in a much larger way than it might seem to those not afflicted with a debilitating disease.
A friend on my blog Snow is having surgery the day after I am. Had I never posted my feelings on surgery, or the surgery itself, I may not have met him either. I believe many of us are meant to cross paths with one another. And sometimes it just takes one person to say it first. New friends are made, acquaintances, relationships grow.
While I believe in God as a higher power, I also believe God is inside us. Some of us, that is. It's that extra being of inner strength that helps us down the pebbled roads we cannot walk on, that lifts us from the darkened waters, we can't swim up from, that takes our hand and leads us through the hills and valleys we can't get through on our own.
Will power, courage, compassion, passion, strength and faith. Not just in ourselves, myself, but in others.
While I hope not to discourage you from reading me, I do understand the preference not to. But you're here, so you must find something in it even in it's gloom.
EKV- 'til death do us part. xoxo
K- Thank you for all the help and support. xoxo
E- Thank you for the encouragement. xoxo
Lil OZ- Your the best mini Master any mom could have. xoxo
'Tai- I'll never forget sleeping with you the first night you were born. xoxo
MIH- Thank you for checking in on me. xoxo
MR- Nothing's changed xoxo
MD^- Thank you. xoxo
MM- Thank you also. Build it and they will come. xoxo
MB- Thank you for caring and being there always. xoxo
k- You always make me smile. xoxo
Understanding is all I ever hope for. Not pity. I'm really so very tired of that word.
As my Master says... Assumptions make an ass of me and you.
...Split a piece of wood, and I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there."
The Gospel of Thomas
Do I put my real name on this?
I think so.
Twinkle V. aka caliente
I wish you all well and more