When Sleep Finally Came...

Sleep did finally come for this one. She slept all day yesterday and into today until around noon-time. It really did her good. She did wake a few times. Laying in one position to avoid pain from movement didn't do her so well. She's not suppose to be pushing with her hands or arms but had to in order to help lift her body in the turns or adjustments. She was just careful to not push hard. She didn't hurt herself while doing so and didn't feel any added pressure to her spine.

The man changed her bandages a couple of hours ago. No pics this time. lol. He said it looks really good back there. When she had her first SCS surgery there was terrible bruising. This time there isn't, not as of yet anyhow. There are no visual signs of infection. Seem everything is just going great at this point.

A new friend told this one about something called Natural Calm. You can get it at most health food stores. It's completely natural so won't interfere with medication. It helps relax a body, and can help alleviate pain and help with sleep.

This one has already asked her owner if he would consider getting her some. He said yes. Hopefully will have it in the next couple of days. One thinks because it's natural it would be good for him to take also.

Am thinking this will be even great after the healing of the surgery. It may help even in decreasing the chronic pain. It's a possibility at least. Of course she doesn't know yet as she hasn't tried it, but is looking forward to letting others know if it does. If it may not help in one area the chances are it may in another, so would still be worth it.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Until next time....

4 Days of Insomnia

This one doesn't understand why she's still awake. She's on her 4th day without any sleep beyond an hour at a single given time or a few dozers of 15-30 minutes. That's all. It hurts to sit up, but it's more tolerable than laying down. Am doing okay considering it all. When she tries to lay down, getting all the pillows tucked around her, she ends up staring out the bedroom window, just watching the subtle breeze of evenly nice weather blow lightly the leaves on the tree. She watches as the sunlight becomes stronger and it's rays bring warmth to her face right through the sliding glass windows. When she lays that direction she always pulls the curtains partially open just a few inches and at the most 10. She'll set her bottle of water or juice in the window sill for easy reaching. She doesn't even have to extend her hand more than 2-3 inches to take a sip. She gets wrapped up in thought as she gazes about.

Sleep hasn't yet come.

Normally, she tends to sleep alot, right now, it's just not coming back.

She ends up rolling back over carefully to face the spacious surroundings. She pulls herself up to the edge of the bed, bringing her laptop stand closer. Other than using the rest room, she's sat for hours at a time leaning just a little to her left being careful that with that lean she doesn't bend her spine any. She's sure she already has however minimal. it's a challenge to not reach out for an object, or lean over to grab hold of something. A hair brush, turn the fan on, usually simple things. She picked her sons jacket up from the floor earlier, a total no no, but she didn't even realize it. When the cat was demanding to be fed, she fed him, again not realizing that she was bending to do so, she was scolded that time. Of course she knows it was for her own well being. It takes more than will power and more than someone who one has relinguished control to. It takes self determination. Perhaps even self mastery. 

She has to constantly be aware that she cannot do these things. She cannot wait for her owner to catch her in the "oh shit, she spaced it again" accidental act. She knows better, she has to remember to know better and apply it immediately before the unintentional act occurs. A conscious mental sticky note in mind at all times. Self awareness. 

No one ever said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.

Whether owned, mastered, proptery, submissive or a slave to another it also takes self reliance under these types of circumstances. 

The eagerness to please him is still there. This one needs to show him she is capable of accomplishing this. It is her body and she does need to take care of it. That might sound a bit oxymoronish. She's his in all ways, but it's her body to take care of. She is pretty sure most of you know what she means. He already takes care of this one well. She needs to remember to do better and keep in mind that the doctor gave her several restrictions.

A good example would be that the tape keeping her bandages in place has been making her itch and she was scratching, and her Master walked in to check on her and she got caught, and he firmly said STOP. she continued to get in another little dig while he was speaking, oh gosh, it was driving her nuts. She caught his glare and she stopped. He doesn't need to babysit her. He shouldn't have to, nor is it really his responsibiity. He told her no from there she obeys or disobeys. 

She rather have him happy with her and the choice she made to.... obey him. 

Sleep must be coming soon. This body aches so very much. It has to regenerate and rejuvinate or it will fall so very far behind in things. Surgical pain on top of chronic nerve damage pain is nearly sending her over the edge... on the other hand it's so much, she almost feels nothing at all. A numbness of sorts. Not in body, but in mind.

She needs to heal well. Really want to play with that Wii fit darnit!

This one really is independent you know, can peel an orange all by herself. 

Yep, she can. ~grins

Until next time...

(which might be later if she doesn't sleep)

___________________________________

"I never saw a wild thing- sorry for itself.  A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough- without ever having felt sorry for itself"  ~D.H. Lawrence.

___________________________________

Yesterday Was Better (Bandages changed- Pics Included.

Yesterday was better than today. Am thinking the there was still some local left over from the day before and that is why. She hurts like hell today. Laying down hurts even worse. Been sitting up for the most part, with her legs crossed in indian style, trying to keep her spine straight as she has to be very careful not to screw up this new lead.

The man took his son and sons friend to the movies today. In fact they are still not home. This one is fairing decently on her own. Really wanted them to go and so let them know over and over it was really okay to leave her. Can get to the rest room fairly well without help, just have to take baby steps and use the walls for support. The walker is nearby too if needed, but am okay without it.

Have no appetite at all.

Blood is coming through her bandages but not saturated, should be fine until he's home to change them for her.

The center called in Cephalexin to the pharmacy before she went into the OR. Even heard the nurse make the call. Well the pharmacy isn't filling it. They sent her Master home with 4 for her, she took them the first day home. She's suppose to be taking them every 4 hours. And the doctor was serious about her not missing a single dose. She hasn't any since. WC pays for all this, supposedly the pharmacy said they didn't get the authorization to fill it. She's kind of not believing that, would believe more that after giving her a few to take home without an authorization, someone didn't fax them on time. Jeez could already be infecting.

While she's writing this the man just called and said he's going back to the pharmacy, they're open today and if it's still not been filled, he's going to find out how much it is cash pay.

Lysol isn't going to stop infection from within her body. Just hoping the antibiotic IV bag they gave her is still helping until she gets the others.

The Norco's barely decrease the pain from the incisions, stinging and bruising. Morphine and Norco together just makes her so high, she's distracted. Better than nothing. Last night she took a 15mg of Morphine, 1 Norco, 2, 0.5mg of Klonopin, 2 Tizanadine...and her ass was knocked out fast. Just didn't stay that way more than a half hour. But was way loopy loopy lah lah even so.

All this aside, her mood is good, her attitude is positive and she can't wait for any possibility of better things to come. If even for a little while.

Really really really am hopeful

Until next time...

Edited to add after posting- The man cashed paid for her antibiotics and will be home shortly.

The Day After SCS Surgery

Cross-posted with slight edits from CM's Gorean Philos/GwD Thread
(Saving typing hands and strokes by doing so)

This one had her surgery yesterday. She had her current lead/wire on her spine adjusted as it moved up and tilted to the left. This first lead that she's had for over 2 years now covers her from her waist on down, but not as far down as her toes.

Her Pain Manager/surgeon added an additional lead to the right, so with luck she will be getting better relief on that side soon. He was going to relocate her internal battery which is located in her right butt cheek, but she cannot remember if he did so or not. She only knows that that area was re cut open also. So she's presuming so. She's bandaged from a bit above the center of her back downward and to the right. No shower for 6 days Ickies. Will be sponge bathin and she has baby wipes and girlie wipes standing by for that fresher feel. She gets her staples out on the 8th day and follows up for a Post Op 1 week after that to make sure she is healing correctly.

She did not sleep well last night, fell off to sleep for about 15-30 minutes a few times, but couldn't stay asleep. Between the spine itself hurting and already feeling the stitches, staples and incisions stinging it's pretty rough. She can't extend her arms out too far, so either has to talk via cell phone texting, phone, or with laptop closer than having to reach arms out far. She has a laptop tray that's like a bedtray that's adjustable on legs as well as on the table part. So she can get it close above the bed. Have moved into a more spacious bedroom of the home. One with not a lot of items in it because she wants to be as independent as possible.

With objects around, as in our own room (tv stands, dressers, wall unit etc and more) it would have been more difficult and the chances increase of falling or tripping, plus harder to get herself up from a much larger bed which rests lower than this one. With this bed she's using now and since she's a shortie, once she gets herself sitting upright she can roll off the side of the bed and to her feet. Her walker is near bye in case she needs help, she can set the breaks and pull herself to her feet.

Not going to complain, this is suppose to be a good thing. ~smiles.

2 months down time though in order that the new lead takes to the spine without migrating or rejecting. She'll be meeting with Medtronic soon also, either the day her staples are removed or the following week to be re programmed as her previous programming was wiped out for the surgery.

This one is looking very forward to playing the Wii Fit her owner bought for her days ago. This will be a good way to help her exersise and have fun with the family all at the same time. She doesn't like the way the game talks back to her though. lol. When he set it up for her the night before (it sets ones weight, bmi and then ones goes through a few simple coordination exercises, the game voice said "You are too slow, your age has been increased to 50". ~smirks

After healing, she's looking forward to a better next few months. May get a year out of this. ~smiles

Good luck to Snow, will be thinking of you during your surgery today.
Good luck to d when seeing the surgeon today
Good luck to j with your surgery today.

Best wishes each of you,

Until next time...

Night Before Jitters

She feels compelled to let some emotions out. This is her safe place. Her space and so will do so. Yep, am scared about tomorrow. Have had terrible anxiety all day today. Feeling like she's being detatched from her body and then jumping back in. A feeling of a roller coaster going really fast then slowing down then going really fast again. She doesn't favor roller coasters in the first place and so it's a scary feeling for her. She had forgotten to take her Klonopin which is for anxiety and fear. A friend, t, reminded her to do so for the reasons mentioned. She did so. While those emotions are easing now, the thoughts are still looping through her mind.

Will probably not be in any severe pain tomorrow evening as the anesthesia/pain relief from the surgery itself will still be working. 12 hours after is when the pain will start setting in and she will begin to feel the pain from the incisions. She'll be stitched and stapled.

If she recalls correctly, last time the staples were removed 10 days later. The inner stitches desolve. Though when she had the staples removed she did have two stitches poking out of the cut. The doc just snipped them.

The family is getting colds and have had sniffles today. twinkle so does not need to get sick. Hand sanatizer and Lysol is standing by. Several clean sheets and pillow cases. Everything is ready now.

Pain or not, she knows she will be online as much as she can. Even if finger pecking the keyboard. Will be on her tummy in the bed for a couple of days. Her mobile laptop stand which is adjustable will be nearbye. It can also be used as a tray for meals. Will only be able to use one hand to reach out a bit with. Her Norco's were filled today. So have them when the pain starts to get worse.

Being down for 2 months is going to drive her nuts.

Will be taking all piercings out in the morning, he already took her collar back off. Will be wearing light clothing there. Very loose shorts and a t-shirt. No eating or drinking 8 hours prior. That will be tough on this girl. Even the 4 hour no eating or drinking for the blocks is tough.

twinkle is not looking foward to her ass being exposed to an OR of atleast 12 people again. Medtronic will be in there too. Atleast 2 of them. One sits next to the anesthesiologist, so after they cut her fix the current lead and add the other, they wake her up before stitching and stapling her back together.

When the Medtronic guy starts talking to her after she's woken, she's only allowed to say yes or no. Yes to if she feels the stimulation and No if she doesn't. They'll adjust it, and go back to the Yes or No answers again. When that's all accomplished, she will be put back to sleep and the incisions will be closed. Then she goes to recovery for at least an hour. Then gets to come home. Yay!

Tonight twinkle was called on to write something for her pain group unrelated to any of this. It was her knowledge that was being sought. She did so. Is called on often by the Group Leader. This makes her feel good. Even when she's away for days at a time, if she's called upon, she's there to do what's needed right away.

To everyone that's sent well wishes to her here, in IM and in email, thank you.
This means alot.

Until next time

By This Time Thursday Evening

By this time Thursday evening this one should be home from the surgery center and already rested up some. The surgery takes about 3 hours and recovery 1 hour if all goes well.

Yesterday her Master took her to the flea market/auction and it was a really nice time out. He bought her a new short nightie and others things. We went to a late breakfast after and then back home.

She slept nearly all day today, get worn down so fast and takes so long to get some awake time or energy back. The other bedroom is ready for her to move into, but she's waiting for close to the last minute to go there.

Maybe Wednesday evening or just come home Thursday to it.

Until next time...

Medicinal Cannabis Update- Stories Needed

While this ones day started with a crazy 8 pain level, she managed to get some things done. A page of responses, stories and comments will be added to the website above soon. This may be after the surgery, but the first group of submissions are ready to go. Since she's still getting permissions from others there will be more to start with in the next few days.

Still looking for anyone who uses or has tried cannabis, weed, pot, etc for Chronic Pain. More specifically those with CRPS type 2. Type 1 is also need for use in comparison. This is being expanded to include any Chronic Pain and Fibromyalgia.

She can do this several ways. 1. List you as anonymous and give your state. Example Anonymous, California. 2. She can use your first name and state. Example lala, California. 3. She can use a pseudonym and your state. Example lala, California.

Will list your name exactly as you wish or anonymous as you wish.

Your anonymity is important and will be respected.

Thank you.

Submissions can be sent to: stories@crpsadvisory.com

Subject line: RE: Medicinal Cannabis

New Dora The Explorer Doll

Growing Dora up a little too fast? This ones grandson has not seen her yet, but am thinking when he does, he's not going to accept the new grown up Dora as being the same. He might even throw a fit. The link above shows the new Dora. They didn't really go over the top, but the popular cartoon girl did go from little to much bigger. She looks more like a pre pre teen now, maybe even 8 or 9 but not 3-5'ish. Dora still looks innocent enough, no make up, leggin's under her dress. At least she's not sporting a new tattoo like Barbie.

Am thinking a lot of little kids are going to be crying the first week they see her, but when this one just called her grandson in for comparison of pictures, he looked at the first, jumped up and down and said "my girlfriend, my Dora" and he's just turned 3 last month. When cali pointed to the new Dora, he looked at her surprisingly, thought about it for a couple of seconds, jumped up and said um? My Dora?

We all smiled and laughed and told him yes he was right.

Am thinking maybe it will all turn out okay after all.

Until next time..

3rd Person Speech

For the time being this one will be returning to the use of third person speech. Not as a reminder that she is property, not to keep in the mindset of being owned or being a slave girl, but to keep her in the mindset of being free.

This may be difficult for some to understand in it's entirety, She will explain further if asked, otherwise she will be leaving well enough alone.

Until further notice, which may be a short amount of time, or perhaps even longer, she will address all topics in this form.

She does not think that there will be too much confusion in her posts. This one speaks very well in both first and third. Fourth? Just kidding. ~smiles

Aside from typos her writing should be understood. If anyone needs clarity, just ask.

As in first person sometimes she mixes up words or letters (thanks to 2,400mgs or more of Neurontin/Gabapentin a day for the last 5 years) up.

Please bear with her.

On another site besides CM she is still called her birth given, originally the account was calienteC until a FW said it would be wrong and going elsewhere with that name was hiding. While this FW knew her as cali...

Lets just say it put her in a tough spot and she emailed the site to change her name to twinkleEKV.

cali does not hide.

As Master Driver^ said to her (He's well respected by her) on her wall "Whatever name a slave is called by is just s label, the girl being referred to is all that matters."

How could she not agree? Her own Master has said similar offline, this man said it online. She's grateful he knows better.

People use pseudonyms all the time, she can't seem to get out of her birth given. It's her own fault for revealing it. The hardest part is being a known name in the health industry, not all of it, but the part of it that deals with....... you know.

And now when names are googled etc all of it comes up.

She segregated from herself in a very large sense of the way or should she say... others forced her to segregate herself from her self for they weren't pleased at a girl being real, yet on the other hand, she's one with herself starting today.

Have been all over for years.... 12 and in good ways.

It's just that you didn't know. Or should she say.. some didn't? It's okay, some probably weren't told for a reason.

In either case, I am me, she is me, me is her and...

Well most of you know the rest...

Wishing you all most well,
drum roll....

~caliente

A Note To My Readers

I realize many of my posts reflect pain and health issues. This I do apologize for. It just so happens that I'm quite consumed with these problems. It is my life. Unfortunately there isn't much else to talk about right now. I am hoping that after I heal and my pain and worries decrease this will change. Life is a challenge and everyday I focus on that when fear looks at me, I look back at it stronger, so that I can find some ease in it all. I've been accused of seeking pity and whining, but it's quite the opposite.

I recently made a Journal entry at Collarme which reads...

"So I've made some mistakes here on Collarme, specifically in the Gorean Philos Forum. A couple of people are not pleased that I've been so open about personal things such as pain. I've taken the their reasons into consideration. They've been discussed with my Master. I will be working better to not disclose these things unless absolutely relevant to a topic of discussion. I've never derailed a thread with any of these personal things, but the fact of the matter is, some don't like it. It has also come to my attention that others do prefer to know the real me and not just the image or character another might create in their minds regarding a person.In any event, I'll keep fairly or fully shushed.While it is most important to please only my Master and he is not displeased with what I've written or told (yes he reads the same forum and sometimes with me) it is important to me that all are pleased with my actions.I do care.I don't want to be seen as a whiner, pity seeker or anything else some might assume I'm doing. On the contrary it's quite opposite. It's determination, survival and the will and want to continue serving and viewed in the eyes of the Free as pleasing.It takes heart and passion.I'll do better to keep things between myself and those that are on a need to know basis.But I cannot stop being me because someone doesn't prefer me anymore. My Master said so.To any I've offended, please forgive me.Wishing everyone peace and harmony. "

I'm retaining faith in the fact that if my followers didn't want to be here, they wouldn't be.
I know that some are watching me from afar, watching what I write, analyzing it, criticizing it and some are embracing it.

Having given my life many years ago to a man that I call Master, my husband, and while he may not have been my Master per se in the beginning, he's always been my owner. To relinquish control and give ones life to another and then something happens that he cannot control becomes a feeling of helplessness. When your Master cannot even save you, there is only a will to survive and a belief in a higher power that can give one hope. For all the years that I served, kept a good home, raised the children, gave him peace, helped take away his worries, even the ones that he wouldn't reveal, but that I could feel and then for it to switch around in many ways is not a good feeling. The good feeling comes back in that he takes care of me fully. He does not hesitate. To the end, I know with all of my heart I'm in perfect hands. Many men would discard that which becomes a burden or is seemingly one. This man will not. I am still valuable to him. He tells me so. And I am so very loved. Nearly 23 years. I don't know anyone else with a Master or slave that has made it as far as we have. Correction, 1 other man on CM.

Love, honor and obey. I do.

Being cared for, I am.

There's really only one way to understand and that is to live it. All of it. Many get half way or more and that is enough often times. There's not way to walk in a shoe that doesn't fit, but there is a way to walk in a shoe that has at one point or another and look back. Some people have heart enough to have never experienced chronic pain, incurable diseases, painful surgeries, pain in general, but still understand. It's inside them.

Of course I wish that my life would turn around and I would have better things to talk about. However had I not ever been placed in the situation I have been, I would not have had the opportunity to meet hundreds of people I would not have met otherwise. Fletch, Skittle and Mike... others. Our hearts are with each other always and that matters in a much larger way than it might seem to those not afflicted with a debilitating disease.

A friend on my blog Snow is having surgery the day after I am. Had I never posted my feelings on surgery, or the surgery itself, I may not have met him either. I believe many of us are meant to cross paths with one another. And sometimes it just takes one person to say it first. New friends are made, acquaintances, relationships grow.

While I believe in God as a higher power, I also believe God is inside us. Some of us, that is. It's that extra being of inner strength that helps us down the pebbled roads we cannot walk on, that lifts us from the darkened waters, we can't swim up from, that takes our hand and leads us through the hills and valleys we can't get through on our own.

Will power, courage, compassion, passion, strength and faith. Not just in ourselves, myself, but in others.

While I hope not to discourage you from reading me, I do understand the preference not to. But you're here, so you must find something in it even in it's gloom.

EKV- 'til death do us part. xoxo
K- Thank you for all the help and support. xoxo
E- Thank you for the encouragement. xoxo
Lil OZ- Your the best mini Master any mom could have. xoxo
'Tai- I'll never forget sleeping with you the first night you were born. xoxo

MIH- Thank you for checking in on me. xoxo
MR- Nothing's changed xoxo
MD^- Thank you. xoxo
MM- Thank you also. Build it and they will come. xoxo
MB- Thank you for caring and being there always. xoxo
k- You always make me smile. xoxo

Understanding is all I ever hope for. Not pity. I'm really so very tired of that word.
As my Master says... Assumptions make an ass of me and you.

...Split a piece of wood, and I am there. Lift up the stone, and you will find me there."
The Gospel of Thomas

Love ya
Do I put my real name on this?
I think so.

Twinkle V. aka caliente
I wish you all well and more

Pre Op Tests Complete

Today after my Pain Management appointment, I went over to Sutter General Hospital for my pre op tests, I had a EKG and blood drawn. It didn't take all that long really. Luckily we were pretty much in and out with in 1.5 hours of getting signed into the hospital.

I wanted to go to the store after Pain Management, I didn't know that when I got there, they would be sending me to do these things today or else my surgery date could be postponed.

I wanted to go get some pillow cases. There's a place called Anna's Linens up the road that reasonable on all bedding and more.

By the time we were finished with the appointments (we were home by 3:00p.m) maybe a few minutes earlier, I was so exhausted I fell right to sleep. Never went shopping.

The doc filled me a script of 30 Norco's to be filled the day prior to surgery, and changed my morphine to 15mgs 3x per day. Instead of the 30 in a.m and 15 in p.m. This way they over lap eachother. Not quite sure how much difference it will make, am hoping the difference is in my new lead.

Will call the doc tomorrow to see how my tests went. They had a asap fax note written across them.

Also found out today, I'll have to go back into surgery next year to replace my internal battery. Why they can't do it now, I dunno. Perhaps they want to get all the usage out of it and then cut one back open. sheesh. As if I'm not poked, prodded, and sliced and diced enough already. I'll get another set of blocks in 3 months or about.

We'll do pre op and post op pics again. They're used for video for SCS teaching and such.

Am still tired,

Until next time...

Oh by the way, that hair color change I talked about a couple of weeks ago, it was done the following night. Blonde, golden blonde and streaked with brunettle underneath.

A Compilation of Thoughts

Our army girl turned 20 yesterday. We keep getting tons of information regarding her future, but none of it seems to be quite accurate and always changing. I suppose the army doesn't know from day to day what they are going to do with her. Iraq, Germany, Iraq, send her home. Ugh. It's confusing.

The latest is that she may be released with an honorable discharge because she can't pass the 2 mile run. The reason being the injury she had back in boot camp. A hip fracture. She says she has little pain when she walks but when she tries to run her hip clicks. I think I can understand what she means since there have been times when mine has done similar, almost like shifting in and out or a popping. I feel bad for her if this is the case. They have her on Lortabs, Ibuprofen and other meds.

She pushed so hard in boot and passed her run at the last minute. At one point we didn't think she'd make it through that. But she did! From what I'm being told is that if she's honorably discharged she won't qualify no longer for her sign on bonus. Which was large.

Her quality of life matters more to me, but the kid is not happy that she endured pain from an injury and would be leaving with nothing.

She'll always have a home and room to come home to. We made sure when we bought this house there was enough room for all our children forever.

Love you, second baby duck
_______________________________________________

10 more days til my surgery. Tomorrow is my pre op appointment. I'm going to ask for some Vicodin and see if they'll write me a script for the day before I go in. Last time I did it with no additional meds, but was on Vicodin back then as my major pain relief source, not Morphine. Morphine doesn't help for immediate pain relief. Not these ones anyhow. It's MS Contin, 12 hour time release. I remember before the first 5 days was terrible. And the second day ugh, after all the anesthesia wore off and the sting and burn came from the cut and staples. Just UGH. I just can't explain how much that hurt. With 5-6 inch gash in ones butt and back. I just hope to not feel it that way again.

Anyway....
_______________________________________________

Just had a slim fast, haven't had anything else today. Will eat something pretty soon. I've received comments on the Medicinal Cannabis study and have permission from these people to publish their essays and comments on my site, so will get that done this week. I had to double verify permissions. I always do this to make sure and keep it in writing. I also protect the identity of any who want anonymity.
_______________________________________________

My Master goes Clampin' next month and we have 60 etched vessels ready to be distributed. All are sold at this point, even the custom made ones, of course any can back out as we haven't been pre paid. We have them made for both the men and their woman.
Woman are not allowed at these events. Ever! The men do buy their women novelties to take home, though.

The next wave of etchings will be for Mothers and Fathers Day.

Until next time...

Thank you Master M for the Phone Call

Last evening I had a long talk with a Gorean man on the phone. For hours actually. It was nice to get to know someone so much more than just through the GP CM Forum. We talked about everything. I listened intently as he spoke of his world, technology and more. It was quite spiritual as well.

I love getting to know people better. I love the minds of men. I like men to be men in all ways. This man definitely is one of those men.

He's not been on the Forum for some time. He's been very busy. He's been meaning to call me and he finally did. It made me happy to know he kept me in mind to do so.

No one would have any idea who this person is. There's never been anything to give any kind of hint as to who he might be.

It will be his choice ever to reveal this call or any future ones.

To Master M, I am grateful for the time you spent with me and letting me learn you better and giving me the opportunity to have a voice to go with the typed word.

I cannot wait for what we talked about to evolve into something bigger...

I know it will

Until next time..

Surgery March 26th

The surgery center called yesterday afternoon to schedule my surgery. It's March 26th at 12:30p.m. While I'm scared in regards to this one, I am looking forward to the reduction of pain with the adjustments and new lead.

I'm going to just concentrate on continuing to lose weight. I should have enough time to lose 5 more pounds. As I mentioned weeks ago, I'm freaked out to gain it while I'm down for 2 months healing. The only exercise I'll get is being helped to the potty. If I keep doing this right the way I've been eating, maybe instead of gaining I can continue to lose weight since I'm not active anyway. Even a pound a week would be great. A pound every 2 weeks. Heck, I don't care any loss would make me happy, no gaining would make me even more so because last time I gained nearly 30 pounds in that 2 months. See why I'm so freaked out? I had to rely on being brought food, or I wouldn't eat at all.

Will move into the other room around the 20th.

Until next time...

Losing Weight

In the last few weeks I've been eating differently. Mostly veggies and fruit. Using slim fast shakes as a backup. I've lost nearly 10 pounds so far and without excersise since that's the worse part for me anyhow.

So far my mindset is strong on the way I'm eating. I do eat alot of broccoli and mushrooms. I'll have it cold for lunch with a bit of diet ranch, just enough for some dipping flavor and then again for dinner, hot, with a slice of colby jack cheese over it. And then have a couple cubes of cantelope during the day, usually still with an orange.

My pain was bad today and I didn't wake up until after 5:00p.m. I missed a call from my pain manager's office, so at about 5:05p.m I called and left them voice message for in the morning. I'm thinking there is some delay on my authorization for my surgery. I hope it's soon though because the internal battery is hurting me more and more daily. When I first got my SCS and after healing from it. That didn't hurt at all except for when sitting on that but cheek more than 10 minutes. Had I not stayed a sleep so long, I would have probably been online doing one thing or other.

I'm going to get some honey dew mellon this week. Add that as a snack. My family is helping, mostly by way of my owner, by not offering me food they know I don't want. I don't even want to look at it. I don't want the temptation, but have been able to say no several times when the kids have ask me if I want a bite of something. My owner was tough on them for doing that. He would buy me a candy bar if I begged it, but he knows I do not want it, so is helping alot by not teasing me and such. I need that.

I'm back in contact with another old friend from years ago online. I'm happy about this and so is he. We met way before I got hurt. So he remembers all the original crap I went through when I did. I also posted the link to his offline group in my blog roll.

He doesn't live but 4 hours from here, so a chance of meeting is good at some point. He's a healer too (no not voodoo, k maybe so, but good voodoo) lol

He's called on me to do something somewhere and it's pretty likely I will.

I'm also back in touch with another man friend from the same period of time. Again we're both happy about it, too.

Am going to have a cup of coffee now and ponder some things...

Until next time...

Happy 21st, 20th and 12

Today's our oldest daughter Khari's 21st birthday, Sunday is her sister Ery's, 20th. And then at the end of the month is our sons 12th. All March babies. Ironically I conceived them all on the same day different years. It's like Christmas time in March for us.

I am very proud of each of them.

Khari is going out clubbing tonight. I can't stress enough how safe she needs to be. I suppose it's one of those fears that a parent gets knowing their child is legal and responsible for themselves now. We've always been somewhat protective, but not as protective as my parents were with me at all. We let our girls experience life. Once or twice they took advantage and had to be tugged back in, but they all have a good head on their shoulders.

I really hope the has a great time. Will be over nighting Ery's package in the morning.
And our son got his birthday gift early by getting to see WWE wresting live.
He'll still get a cake and balloons. We always get them balloons no matter what.

Until next time...

Embryonic Stem Cell Research

Obama ends stem cell funding ban

US President Barack Obama has lifted restrictions on federal funding for research on new stem cell lines.

Mr Obama signed an executive order in a major reversal of US policy, pledging to "vigorously support" new research.

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For many years I was uncertain as to what I believed in regarding Embryonic Stem Cell Research. It didn't quite settle with me as being ethical. I'm not going to go into how it's killing a child. While I believe embryos are without any doubts babies-to-be, I can't be certain that they are much more beyond that while yet so tiny. Atleast perhaps I don't want to know.

My views on this type of research has changed since my nerve damage has become so severe and spreading.

In an excerpt from the above titled article it says "

Stem cells are cells with the capacity to turn into any other type of human cell, be it bone, muscle or nerve cell.

One embryo can provide a limitless supply because the cell lines can be grown indefinitely"

This could end up saving my life in all 3 examples. Especially nerve cell. While it may not happen in my own lifetime it could happen in the next generation of people already suffering from Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy/Complex Regional Pain Syndrome Or Causalgia type 2.

There are children with this illness as well. I breaks my heart to know they endure the pain that I do. To have to be home schooled from bed, losing friends, it's a hard life for me, I can only imagine for them.

While this may sound morbid, I wish there was a way (unless it exists already and I am not aware of it) for those woman who choose to have an early termination of their pregnancy to donate their embryo. At least those babies to be would still have use. The mother may not have been able to grow her embryo or fetus to full term for whatever reason that caused the decision, but the embryo itself could still have use to learn from.

I'm against abortion as a form of birth control. What I mean is that when a woman and man have sex and the only birth control they use is abortion. No, I do not like that. At all.

But... under personal circumstances, it's not my business what a woman does with her body. God knows I've been there. A year after I was injured, I conceived, I was told our baby would not be born normal because of all the xrays I'd had un protected, all the class C drugs I was on, the strenuous physical therapy and the weight gain would have hindered my being able to walk again. If I knew then what I know and have endured anyway now, I would have told them to go to hell. A sacrifice that brought me no closer to healing and instead continued on it's path to no return.

I have to live with it the rest of my life. The candle that's lit every year on the same day is my remorse. It hurts. But I signed the paper, there was no gun to my head.

I'll most likely be judged for telling that, but when you're living on borrowed time it really doesn't matter anymore. My book is an open one. Judgment day will come either way.

Had I had a choice to donate him... I surely would have. I don't know if he would have been too ill or if his cells would have still had use, but if they did, that's what my choice would have been. I think I could have even been happier in a way. The ugly memories haunt me.

I just wish it wasn't this way that it has to be done to save lives and help people live longer. Reduce or end the pain and suffering. I really wish that it wasn't. But they say it is and I have to support that. In it lies hope.

As life moves forward and we learn knew things, we grow in some areas, we discover even others, our outlooks sometime alters. Mine has.

This has the potential of saving millions of lives. Science moves forward everyday. I'm more in favor of non embryonic research where they use the water from a woman's placenta. It just does not have the same capabilities. If it did, I would be more in favor of it.

I am in favor of Embryonic Stem Cell Research and now that the funding ban has ended will begin advocating for it as well.

The original article can be found at: BBC World News America

Until next time...

Having an Identity Crisis

Having come back into contact with a few people from years back, I've began to struggle somewhat with what I'm called. Some of my old time acquaintances and friendlies online and off still call me cali short for my first online name which was also an offline nick for many years. Since I was 22. cali being short for caliente or as one of my ID's read simpli_caliente. It wasn't until I entered online Gorean chats and forums that my name was changed to ella, with a similar name in between. aiyllah being my first Gorean name and ella being very close to it depending on how one pronounced it.

In the last week I've had people calling me cali and ellaj (the j is silent). In the CM forum I frequent while my ID is the same as this blog account, I use my birth given name in signature.

So now suddenly and this hasn't quite been the first time, I'm a little... hm, not confused really, I answer to either/or I've been called them so long. Maybe frazzled is a better word. lol

Maybe everyone can just keep it simple and call me slut... yeah, that'll work..

But really I'll always be... caliente

Fighting Slave Girl

As most know I'm pretty laid back, I have an easy temper, it takes alot get me upset to the point of wanting to fight or even feeling a need to. I'm too easy going, too submissive, and mostly I just don't care enough to let someone else get the better of me.

I was remembering a couple of years back. It was prior to us buying our home last April. Before that we stayed with our daughter for 6 months while waiting for escrow to close. It was then I learned short sale really means takes long long time. ~laughs

We were still in the Apartments where we lived for about 7 years. Our son was outside playing, when he came running in saying some lady tried to run him and his friend over in a car. I went on immediately to ask all the questions, he was standing in the doorway, while I was questioning when he said the woman was coming. I pull myself up from the recliner and stepped to the doorway. All these little kids coming to tell me the same story. At first I told my son to get into the apartment. All the kids were yelling that the woman was crazy. ~perk. Crazy? I had to take a closer look, oh man she was like godzilla, I could almost hear her feet go boom boom boom as she nearly reached us. I casually stood next to the tree not far outside our door by this time. I can't say my heart wasn't pounding some, maybe that's the sound I heard. lol

At first she went on to tell me how mouthy my son was to her. This I do not tolerate in my son to adults. I had already had some information from all the kids, so I went on to use it.

I asked her "why" my son would be so indecent to her, she slurred and stuttered. So then I went on to mention that I heard she was out partying with underage teens and providing the alcohol. I asked isn't this against the law? Well come to find out this is what my son had initially said to her before she tried to use the auto, a deadly weapon to get back at him. We always raised our children, informed.

Now granted, he really had no business telling this woman this, but he was right. Most people would blow it off as a nosey kid or just go on about their business. And I would go on to tell my son just to mind his own business, but that's not the way it went.

I tried to mediate it. She became more and more irate. At the time I didn't know she had a knife in her purse, but when she came at me with a fierceness, I busted her in her face.

So then I say to my son. Get your ass in the house. So she flips it on me. I'm a bad mother because I said ass. lol. She had already called him every filthy name in the nasty book, but now judging me. I'm actually doing this for her in a way at that time. Sort of.

As she turns, seemingly to go away, still muttering obsenities, I yelled fuck off slut. Eeeps. That did it, she came back at me like a pit bull. My back was turned and I heard her coming, I swung around and busted her in her face again, then grabbed her hair and threw her into the siding. By now all the teens she was partying with came to attempt to remove her.

I took my son and went into our home.

The next day I found out she used that same knife on the Apartment Manager who was taken to the hospital with several gashes, reasons unknown, and was in lock up. I never seen her again. I felt a little bad after until I found out she stabbed someone.

Surprisingly, I wasn't hurt in any of it.

When an easy going nature gets pushed to the brink... defensive mechanisms come on.

This was the second time in my lifetime that I was in a physical fight. The first being in Junior high with my best friend. I hit her once in defense, but wouldn't hit her again. I refused. And ended up walking away. You could say she won that one. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I'm not going to hurt those I care for.

But this woman?

She really didn't think she'd get away with threatening bodily harm on my baby duck, did she?

She might have, but...

She was obviously wrong.

(Just some thoughts from the past and thinking... you never never know until you get there)

P.S. I should make mention that my Master was not home when this occurred. He was out of town at a Clamper Doin's. Had he been I would have never been allowed to make it out the front door to begin with)

Sac*ri*fice

sac⋅ri⋅fice

[sak-ruh-fahys]

The surrender or destruction of something prized or desirable for the
sake of something considered as having a higher or more pressing claim.

To surrender or give up, or permit injury or disadvantage to, for the sake of something else.

Forfeiture of something highly valued for the sake of one considered to have a greater value or claim.

Destruction or surrender of anything for the sake of something else;
devotion of some desirable object in behalf of a higher object, or to a
claim deemed more pressing; hence, also, the thing so devoted or given
up; as, the sacrifice of interest to pleasure, or of pleasure to
interest.

Hence, to destroy, surrender, or suffer to be lost, for the sake of
obtaining something; to give up in favor of a higher or more imperative
object or duty; to devote, with loss or suffering.

The act of losing or surrendering something as a penalty for a mistake or fault or failure to perform etc.

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...the key here being that something good will come to those who sacrifice...

Barbie Sports a New Tattoo

Okay, I'm not against tattoos, I have a few myself. I was approximately 23 when I got my first. I remember while having it done at home, my owner went up to the corner mini-mart where he ran into my mom. He told what I was doing. She said "I was raised to be a lady, I thought I raised her to be the same, I was mistaken". That hurt. What's ironic now is that my mom has one also and has for about 8 years. My own daughters have had one to many by 18.

Getting back to barbie. If my girls were still little, I would not buy them this barbie. In fact, it might even make me not buy them any barbies anymore. I don't recall ever buying them "barbies" per se, but they did have them type of pretty dolls.

Yes this is 2009, times have changed, people are more easy going, less taboo, but why take innocence away so soon. Children now a days have little innocence already and that which they do obtain is taken quickly one way or the other. It's sad. Kids can't be kids.

It's becoming harder and harder to instill morals on them. We instill them and then out comes barbie with a tattoo, well it really doesn't surprise me as much as it might seem. It's not like she was a role model barbie already. She's been cheating on Ken for years. Can't count how many boyfriends she's had. Okay, maybe they were just guy "friends".

I doubt it the lil slut.

I'd rather see her in a collar.

Steel locked around her neck.

It is where she belongs.

Just shakes my head

Until next time...

Time For a Color Change and Other Things

I get bored semi-often with my appearence. I've been brunette, fully blonde, had fuscia colored hair, streaks, red, and so on and so forth. Right now, my hair is dark brunette with light caramel streaks. Frosted, but lightly. Next, I already have the stuff to do it, I'm gonna chunk it. My bangs which are nearly to my chin now, the immediate sides and the top blondish and leaving underneath and the bottom dark.

I'm not sure when I'm going to get around to it. If I don't do it soon, I won't be able to for a couple months because my down time will set it back.

I already watched a movie tonight. Spent time out in the living room with the family for a couple of hours prior, and slept in way too late again. I didn't wake up until 8:00 p.m. I woke because the pain in my legs was getting out of hand and because I didn't want to reach over and take my meds earlier since it would caused me to not go back to sleep, I didn't take them. Finally I didn't have a choice. I woke, took them, and got up.

I'm still eating mostly only veggies and drinking the slim fast shakes. I had 2 bites of general chicken, 2 bites of chow mein and about 5 bites of rice the other night. That's it.

I had a mushroom bowl yesterday sauteed in a tiny bit of butter or margarine, or whatever it was in there. And then a salad with tomato later with a couple table spoons of diet italian and a shake. We're out of oranges, tangerines, banana's etc. Between me and the grandson, we wiped them out.

I give him a quarter to half of whatever I have. I usually peel 2 tangerines though since they're small. Started drinking Crystal light, diluted.

Tomorrow will cook up a cabbage, that's it, nothing added. A little sea salt and pepper on it after it's in my bowl.

I'm probably still not eating right, but I know it's better than it was. I'm trying to eat something small 6 times a day, but it's mentally hard for me. My mind thinks if I eat like that especially when it's easy to go a day or two without eating that I will gain weight.
On the other hand, I know it's true that eating smaller, more often, is better. I just have to keep convincing myself it's okay.

Like today, sleeping in so late, I only ate once. I had broccoli again and added a slice of colby jack to it.

There's an excersise bike simulator thingy I want to get. It's just the pedals. You set it at your feet, sit and pedal.

Maybe that will help me some. I know I will not be able to tolerate it for long, but even 10 minutes at a time, or 5 minutes twice a day will help.

Just keep thinking of things that will help me when it's difficult to excersise at all.

They say blondes have more fun, but brunettes get the job done.

hahahaha, maybe being both is exactly what I need.

Until next time...

Bi-Weekly Update

Slept nearly all day today, woke up about 7p.m this evening. I got a few weeks relief from my blocks, but the last 4 days has returned completely. While I had problems with my back during the weeks past, it hadn't come back in my foot yet. It's back and burning like hell.

For the most part and since I'm lacking finding things online to do other than my daily ritual of reading and replying to emails, checking up to see if there's any new clinical trials etc, checking into my pain group, I've been watching movies on my computer.

I thought I'd get my surgery date sooner, but it doesn't really surprise me that I haven't. It has to go before a review board before authorization.
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Our daughter goes to Germany in May as of now and then deploys to Iraq in November. She was suppose to be home one more time in April, but because she's having trouble passing her 2 mile run due the hip fracture, she may have to stay behind to practice and/or complete it. If she does have to stay behind, her husband will be coming to join us for 2 weeks. It's cheaper to fly here to the in laws than it is to fly home to his home town in Puerto Rico. We're happy to have him. Met him over Christmas time. We like him, but it may seem kind of awkward without our daughter home, too.

They have their own room here. (I'm in it now lol), but will be moving to our sons room soon enough. If I don't get my surgery date before he comes will just straighten this one back up and move to the other sooner.
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It's really hard having pain return, you get that break of ease, of relief and then when it comes back it seems it's ten fold when it's probably really not. It's just that you think it is because of that break in pain. If find myself, or should I say my family finds me having fallen asleep sitting up with my face in the palms of my hands, or laying on my side with my left hand propping my cheeck up. I just doze off.
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Well I'm about to pop a dvd into my laptop and try to get some relaxation going on.

I wish you all most well,

Until next time...

Finding Someone Special From the Past

The other night I was thinking about life, present and past. I searched and searched for a girl I grew up with in high school while we lived in La Verne CA, L.A. County when I was in high school. Since I'm on My Space often, I used their search feature, I've done this in the past but could not locate anyone. Since My Space is so popular and more and more join each day, I decided to try again. I found the brother, a year younger than me in high school, from his friends page, I found the older sister, I messaged them both. I didn't find my then best friend at that time. I gave the older sister my business email address. And she messaged me back to say she gave Susie mine. Within in hours I had an email.

I found her.

We use to all have so much fun together. We lived across the street from one another. All of us, except the oldest sister went to Bonita High School.

The brother was a Freshman, I was a Sophmore and Susie was a Junior.

Those were truly the best days of my life. I loved high school. I was in the speech and drama clubs, chamber singers, concert choir and for a while I was in the Flags club for the foot ball team. Often went to the basket ball games, as well. I was in a few plays, or did behind the scenes Makeup. Lead makeup, several times.

We met when I was 13-14, she was 16. Her older sister drove, so we went to the movies and such all the time.

I am really happy to have found her.

2 years ago I found another from the same school. Who even moved closer this way to Redding CA. She spent a day of Christmas holidays with us.

Now my searches are nearly complete

Until next time...

A Snippet of Erotica #1

A Snippet of Erotica #1
by ellajC

she lay restrained at the foot of the bed. The large balls above the head board shiney in dark ebony finish, the girls hair piled around her cheeks, the ends flowing across pert nipples, shimmering glossed lips purse lighly in a delicate smile, flushed cheeks rosy with a hint of bashfulness, her wrists are above her head, her fingers brush her clammy palms as if to try to loosen the binds, her squirmy demeanor and illuminating glow spills with arousal, the muscles in her thighs accented as they are pulled apart exposing the very vulnerability of her soul.

She whimpers held captive and equally captivated by his will.

Confined by the bonds of his choice and pleasures.

Later, he attaches a leash to the shiny turian collar encircling her neck, releasing the binding fibers one by one, he tugs the chain upon the steel, puts her to the foot of the bed, where she remain until he chooses otherwise.

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(ellajC is a pseudonym I went by for many years and am still called by some on occasion. The C represents my Master's online name)
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